This is an emergency Ask Auntie Leila because the young lady who asked me the question is getting married in two weeks (I guess by now it's one!) and she's feeling overwhelmed.
Here's the question:
“I love all of your practical housekeeping, cooking… etc. posts. What advice would you give to a young bride who is just setting up house and figuring it all out?”
Me: “Um, could you be more specific? Because as of now the answer is “read the whole blog”!
Her (we'll call her Happy but a Little Overwhelmed, as she wishes to remain Anonymous): “Haha! I supposed I was a little vague. I guess more specifically, how to organize a new house and new things that are obtained from that registry (I did read that post and thought it was wonderful), how to set up housekeeping and what to do to keep it all running smoothly? What you wish you had known when you were young and just setting up house. Not married yet… but two weeks from today I will be, and feeling a bit overwhelmed at the prospect of having to make some many decisions about how things will be done! My mother was never the best at keeping house, so I don't have her example to follow.”
Got it.
Here's a version of my response that is not “Read the blog and also wait for my coming book that collects and organizes all my thoughts on that which ought to be normal and obvious, but which is instead forgotten or overcomplicated, not that I'm an expert, far from it, I just like telling people what to do.”
I will attempt to be, if not brief, at least pithy. This answer is doing what I usually try not to do, which is dump everything in at once. But rather than go over it all again, bit by bit, which takes about seven years, apparently, I thought it might be helpful if you haven't been reading all this time to know that there's a lot here already.
So, lots of links to other posts. You will be thrilled to hear that I have finally figured out the (simple) way to have them open in a new tab (thanks to Rosie telling me). So grab a glass of iced tea and prepare to open tabs!
So here goes:
1. Enjoy the honeymoon! Don't worry, you are already far, far ahead of the game just by identifying the need to set up housekeeping and indeed be the arbiter of how your house is kept.
In fact, since it takes most of us at least a decade or two to figure out that there is anything to be identified, let alone that we are the subject of this identification, you can take some time off while patting yourself on the back.
Good job.
Spend this little reprieve doing a couple of things, things with which I will continue this list.
2. As soon as you get home — yes, your new home! — make your bed with the pretty sheets and bedding you received as gifts. If you can possibly wash the sheets first, do, but if not, don't worry, just do it soon. Remember, your bedroom is the sanctuary. So this is your first lesson in housekeeping. Do this and the rest will fall into place (especially as you peruse those posts). Put a pretty tablecloth on the table and make a nice supper. Rosie explains this process of getting yourself settled (even if the circumstances are tricky) in this post about temporary living and this follow-up one.
I feel like if she can do it as a Marine wife moving around all the time in the first seven months of her marriage, who can't? The key is making things pretty! Don't worry as much about organizing. Focus on pretty — at first in your bedroom and at the table. If you can put some things up on the walls, do it.
3. As you open your gifts, consider returning the items that don't make your heart go pit-a-pat, even if they are things you yourself registered for. Deirdre's Registry post will give you food for thought, and there's no shame in realizing that perhaps for some of the items you might have succumbed to a combination of enthusiasm for getting all the stuff, inexperience about what is truly helpful for you in your circumstances, and the store's capitalization on those two states of mind.
So, I'm not talking about making rash determinations on unusual gifts. Sometimes it takes time to assimilate those unique items, sometimes they fit a need or desire you don't yet know you have but the giver is more experienced, and often they are not returnable in any case. (We talked about this at length amongst ourselves as Deirdre was writing her post, and the conversation continues in the excellent comments.)
Mainly, before you completely open every box after unwrapping, be honest about whether the things will fit in your new home (which I will proceed to assume is going to be modest and small, in the approved newlywed mode). And don't worry if you decide to return some things. The gift was given for one reason: To make you happy. You might get, instead, something different or scaled down — for instance, three of the 12 pots and pans in the set, which are bound to be sold separately back at the store, until such time as you actually have a baseball-team number of children — at which point you don't need three sizes of sauce pot, you need one 20-quart Dutch oven. If that makes you happy, the gift-giver will be happy. Were they aware. Which they will not be.
Another way to say “makes your heart go pit-a-pat” is this quote which you probably have already seen, from William Morris: “Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful.”
4. Ponder the things you have each brought into the house from your previous lives apart as you find places for them. Again, don't do anything rash, but just ask yourself if you have done what so many of us do, which is simply move things because they are things and moving is what you are doing. That box of t-shirts from high school? The collection of souvenir mugs from basketball venues? Just don't put them too far back in the closet. Here's how to finally clean and organize anything.
5. Have lots of conversations about your future together and how you want it to be. Talk about what you really love about homes you have experienced. Get to know each other's hopes and dreams. Don't let people's exhortations and misplaced urgency about you enjoying your newlywed state rob you of this enjoyment. Yes, You Only Live Once. Yes, there are lots of fun things to do as newlyweds. Yes, you may someday find yourself owning two minivans and incapable of thinking beyond the three travel soccer games you have coming up this weekend.
But still, the real fun of this period in your life is hoping and dreaming. Do what you want to do to get ready for your future — not what other people deem appropriate for putting off that future.
In the course of these wonderful talks, maybe use some of the time to set priorities, especially about how you will spend your money. Housekeeping is all about living well, within your means, and using your resources with wisdom, to achieve your goals.
I wish I had done that, since you ask — really thought through what would be important to me five, ten, and twenty years on — and then worked to make those things happen. Some goals I think are worthwhile: a home of your own; the education of your children, should God grant you children — the environment you want as they are growing up; a place to vacation, where the children will make good memories and have a lot of freedom; a good activity that you can all do that you really enjoy, in terms of recreation. (By education, I am not talking about saving for college, which I think is pointless for most people of modest means. I am talking about having a good home library, musical instruments, opportunities for interacting with interesting people, access to nature.)
6. Carve out some space for creativity. Use your ingenuity to make it happen where you are. Think about how your creativity can serve your future. If you are imagining a home filled with quilts or knit blankets… or your own paintings… or refinished furniture… see how you can make it happen.
7. Read. Now is when you have time to read about how to cook, how to clean, how to do those creative things, education, right thinking, gardening for that someday when you have a little plot to call your own or can access a community garden; frugality, so many things! Now is the time to read good novels and to get those 1000 Good Books under your belt so that you aren't rushing when you suddenly need to get your children's reading in order — and to get a start on the 100 Great Books so that you yourself can join the Great Conversation if you haven't already.
8. Use Pinterest well. Does that sound frivolous? I firmly believe that it's a great tool for the homemaker. Back in the day we cut out pictures we loved in magazines and kept them in a file. Now there's Pinterest. I gave you tips for using it in this post about some decorating books I love. The internet is a boon for homemakers, as long as you don't get caught up in perfect. You'll be using it a lot as you seek answers to your questions, so keep a record of what you find interesting, helpful, and beautiful. Go back and edit often. Pay attention and it will really help you.
9. Remember, you can do a lot in an hour. You can do what you want to do and think should be done — especially if you are showered, have a plan for dinner, and have the laundry process under control (this one perhaps won't be as much of an issue for you now, but cast a thought in its direction anyway).
You can also look at your hours and think about how to make them orderly, bringing time into contact with God's inner life. This is liturgical living. Make your Sundays different, right from the start, and you will find everything else falls into place. Soon it will be Advent. Live it well, and everything else falls into place. That is the key.
10. What I mean by enjoy and you do what you want to do is something very mysterious: This week you don't have sanctifying grace to participate in the life of Christ with your spouse — next week you will. It's not up to Auntie Leila to do more than brush you off, set you on your feet, and give you a little push. You will run the race your way. And a marvelously unique and fabulous way it will be!
You are making your home — your contribution to the world, a great adventure! There are means, and you will discover what they are, because you are clever and have an inquiring mind. And those means will lead you to the end: nothing less than God's kingdom.
AnotherKaren says
the link in #9 thinks it is linking to a draft we are not allowed to see.
Leila says
Karen, fixed it. Thanks!
Jenn says
I wish I had known not to register for furniture – that I would be able to find all kinds of used furniture I loved. I also wish I had gotten nicer, and more, everyday dishes. Ours all broke within the first few years. You will use it! Get it now!! And more silverware! I would also just suggest foregoing that big expensive trip to Ikea and start going regularly to a nice salvation army instead. (by nice I mean big, and in an affluent area rather than clean or very organized) you can almost always find anything you have been looking for there if you hold out long enough.
Lisa says
Can I offer my best advice for couples returning from honeymoon? Write thank-you notes as you open each gift. It may take weeks to finish, but when everything is open, the hard work of writing notes is done. My husband and I actually came home from a three-week honeymoon to a small office full of gifts. We opened the gifts two at a time and then would each write a note before we could open any more. We did this in bed with morning sun streaming in. It was lovely.
Ellie says
What a great idea! I find writing thank you notes overwhelming and I think this would have helped me much over the years!
Mrs. B. says
What a beautiful post! So much wisdom in it! My favorite is #5, which is something my husband and I loved to do well before we could get married. I think these conversations build a sense that husband and wife truly are in it together, and there will be far fewer “surprises” down the road, in the sense of disagreements.
It’s such a wonderful time of one’s life, and such marvelous memories are made at the very beginning… Best, best wishes, “Happy but a Little Overwhelmed”!
Ally | A Home Called Shalom says
Yes, yes! The dreaming! The planning! That was my favorite part of the newlywed stage. And I think that even now, even though it’s been some years, it’s important to carve out a little time for that dreaming- even if it’s only a conversation on a drive in the country once a year.
Amanda says
Another gem of a post! I wish I’d had this 9 years ago when I was engaged.
“In fact, since it takes most of us at least a decade or two to figure out that there is anything to be identified, let alone that we are the subject of this identification, you can take some time off while patting yourself on the back.”
This made me chuckle to myself because it’s just so true! I think it took me ‘only’ 5 or 6 years but still, those first few years could have been much better spent if I’d gone into marriage with a tad more common sense about the whole purpose of this being-married thing.
So, to Anonymous, Auntie Leila is so right in that you are ahead of the game.
And #5 is such especially wonderful advice. That is what I remember most of our early days, the dreaming and planning for the future. That is something very unique in being such a huge part of that early season of marriage.
#6 is also great. I discovered that one in year 2 of my marriage when I was at home with a little baby during a LONG Minnesota winter. I taught myself to sew that season and it has been such a great boon to my mental health as a mother of small children. And I wish I had learned earlier! I sometimes think longingly of how nice it would have been to have sewn curtains for our first apartment or a quilt for our guest bed back when I could lay it all out without babies crawling on top of it, haha! Though the babies are a great reason/excuse to be creative too 🙂
Annie says
Oh Auntie Leila, once again a beautiful post! My suggestion after 10 quick years of marriage is to pray for detachment from material things, to always strive to grow in intimacy with your husband as this makes housekeeping and decision making so much easier, and don’t make a huge purchase the first year because you really don’t know each other well enough yet. I can only suggest that because it took the first 5 years of marriage to figure this all out and I’ve been implementing it ever since. Prayers for the anonymous bride that her marriage will be holy and happy in a world that desperately seeks both but knows not where to find them.
CMerie says
Will we hear more about this upcoming book of yours? 😉
Wonderful post as always!
Melanie says
wonderful advice…I would add, learn some skills now, before babies come, if possible. If, like me, you learned little homemaking skills growing up, now is a great time to take some sewing class, pin down a friend to teach you how to knit, practice growing a garden, etc. It is harder to learn these things down the road! 🙂 Though certainly still possible….
Jenny says
Is this a book announcement?
I would say don’t be surprised if the desire to keep your house just so and Clean All The Things! is much stronger than you anticipate. I would caught completely unaware by these new desires and I cried a lot over it trying to figure out what was going on.
Kelsey says
What a beautiful, beautiful post. I would add – in the wee bit of wisdom accrued after three years of marriage and two children – don’t feel like you have to master any of this right now. Work on it. I am the type that likes to check things off a list, so to speak. I like to definitively learn how to do something (such as manage a house) or complete some task (such as reading all those books!) before moving onto the next thing. But children, I have found, demand more flexibility from me in every respect! Also, as I mature, I’m noticing that some of the things I had “down” actually need some work. I always thought I was a pretty good cook, but I’ve recently realized how much I still could improve in this area. For me, it’s a balancing act between not becoming complacent and also not stressing myself with trying to reinvent the wheel every time I tackle a household task.
Becky says
You, as always, have fabulous advice! The only thing I could possibly hazard to add is don’t stress out about the closets and cabinets. I’ve gotten to move several times and also got to organize several classrooms and I always give myself roughly a month of just living in the space before I really try to put things away. This will get easier over time but for your first home, it will take you a little while to figure out what you actually reach for most frequently and what makes the most sense to put where. Also, be conscious of what you are putting where simply because that’s where your mom put it. Standing on her shoulders can be wonderfully helpful but every once in a while something different will work better for *you.* I also second the idea of having thank you notes be a group project. My husband and I spent several lovely afternoons writing thank you notes together.
priest's wife says
another little bit of advice for the newly wed- try hard to only buy quality (or second hand) from the beginning- so try and wait until you can afford it. I think I went through 6 blenders before I got a Vitamix- very expensive but worth it (but I wish I hadn’t wasted $ on all those other ones)
Dyan says
What an amazingly wonderful post! I have been reading your blog for quite a few years now, and this has to be one of your top posts. And that’s saying something, because you have posted about some wonderful topics. I’ve been a bride for almost 22 years, and oh, how I wish I had been able to read this before I got married. This will still be a help to me at this stage of life. Thank you so much!
Dyan says
And I second the plug for A VitaMix. My brother and sister-in-law gifted us with one a few years ago, and every time I use it, I thank God for them and the gift it is to us.
Kristin in Canada says
I’d be interested to know what you mean about a family of modest means not saving for education. We are of very modest means and yet have diligently put a small sum aside each month for our six children as they were born. It’s a sizable amount now 15 years later. Even so, each child will still have to work diligently and contribute to their own education to get through. At present they share a flyer route to begin to make up the shortfall. The knowledge that we as a family do without some small luxuries from time to time because we are saving for the greater good of their future education helps them be more diligent in their present studies at school.
priest's wife @byzcathwife says
I’m going to answer Kristin in Canada’s question : I have a feeling Leila is saying that about college savings because it will severely limit your family size- if I thought I was going to provide college tuition (even 50%) for my children, I would have 1…maybe 2 (we have 4- ages 16, 15, 8 and 6). For a California resident- paying taxes for decades, a year at the U of C (public, tax payer funded) is over $30,000. And this is only the BA.
So this is what we are doing- the big kids attend an independent study high school (going in 2 times a week) that is connected to the community college. They are taking lots of college classes that will transfer to a 4 year university. They will enter university as at least sophomores, but hopefully juniors. We are also working now on scholarships, grants, etc- but if we were to fully or partially fund their college, we would have no income beyond that to pay the bills. I would rather help them help themselves (with the college classes) than never travel, eat out, sports and art activities, etc
Virginia says
Love the bit about making things pretty and not necessarily organized : ) It seems to me that the college tuition bubble must needs pop before today’s toddlers are college-aged. Probably not good to count on it, but… Almost everyone else I know who is in their early-mid 20’s and having children is working as hard as they can paying off their own student loans, not saving for their children’s, sad to say. And most people I know who would like to start a family and haven’t yet are waiting until they pay off their loans. Both my husband and I were lucky enough to have had well-to-do grandparents, which left us with minimal student loans, but we might have had to wait to get married otherwise. My plan is to do the liberal education myself but encourage my kids in a well-paying vocation. We’ll see where things are in 15 years!
Meg says
I followed your “read” link to your post on the library. It reminded me of this article, and I thought you might enjoy it:
http://creamcitycatholic.com/2014/08/14/milwaukee-public-library/
Tamara @ This Sacramental Life says
Wonderful post — even after keeping house for almost 25 years! Thanks, also, for making links open up in a new page. I totally appreciate it!
Emily says
Really sound advice here, and along the lines of reading great books and talking a lot about the future, one of the best pieces of advice we received while engaged was to limit screen time and enjoy our pre-children time together by reading together, doing projects together, puzzles, games, walks, etc. Back in 2004 when we got married, we shared one car, one cell phone, a tv/vcr combo that we only pulled out of the closet with a coat hanger antenna to watch Notre Dame away games, and only had internet access at my work/my husband’s school library. Since I’ve spent the past nine years fighting morningsickness and changing diapers, I really do treasure those early times we spent talking, reading aloud, and dreaming together without the mostly-mindless distractions of tv/internet or the blessed distractions of needy little people. I don’t know if it’s even possible to be that unplugged nowadays, and I admit that 11 years in, we put our kids to bed and usually turn to some sort of screen ourselves, but I do always encourage newlyweds to be really purposeful about building a home culture that doesn’t just default to the internet whenever there’s down time.
Jennie Cooper says
Every single morning of our twenty years of married life, I have brought my husband his coffee in bed. Most days, that little act of getting up with him has made his burden of provider for a large family a little lighter, reminding him that he is not alone in the world. And on the few mornings that we have not liked each other, it has reminded him that I still love him. 🙂
It’s a small act, but it has been deeply meaningful to both of us.
Married life can be very difficult in certain seasons, and little rituals of loving kindness, carried out regardless of actual emotion, can make or break a marriage, I think.
By the way, my mother has brought my father his coffee each morning for forty three years. There might be something to it!
SophieMiriam says
My advice is also to take time to figure out what works for your family. Don’t feel like just because you are the woman, you have to do all the “feminine” chores. There are probably many on this blog who would fall over at my husband’s and my division of labor. He does the cooking and the vacuuming, I do the tidying and laundry, and we split (read: jointly procrastinate on) the dishes.
I don’t think you should feel bad about it if you want to do all the household tasks, but I also don’t think you should feel like you have to, or that taking care of the house is all your responsibility because you are the wife. Initially, I felt a lot of guilt (mostly from the Catholic blogosphere) that I was being a Bad Wife by not making our house a home enough, and putting so much pressure on my husband, but eventually I decided this was absolutely silly. He was happy, I was happy, and it wasn’t a moral matter anyway.
Sally says
I think your advice is so solid. Everything you say is so familiar. Exactly what my own mother and aunts would say. Thank you!
Lindsey G says
Thanks Auntie Leila! So much food for thought here, even after being married almost ten years.
The idea of “a place to vacation” stood out to me, probably because we just got back from our 6 day summer camping trip! How did you manage family vacations, on a limited budget, and with so many children? What were your considerations in choosing a location and activities? Ours are 3 and 5, and we’ve started doing some local-ish camping with a tiny 1977 Boler camper which just fits us. Right now I find any vacation with little children to be a mix of fun and utter exhaustion as the kids are thrown out of whack by being in a new place, with no routine, different food, and trying to sleep all in one space! Does it get better as they get older? 🙂 We want them to get used to camping now while they are young, but boy is it tiring! (Especially in the rain! And with mosquitos!)
Does anyone else have ideas for low budget vacations?