Title: The Gesell Institute's Child Behavior: From Birth to Ten, Child Behavior: The Classic Child Care Manual from the Gesell Institute of Human Development
Author: Frances L. Ilg
Title: Your Baby And Child: From Birth to Age Five (in this edition only!)
Author: Penelope Leach
Title: Breastfeeding and Natural Child Spacing
Author: Sheila Kippley
File Under: Child development, life syllabus
This iteration of the Like Mother, Like Daughter Library Project is brought to you by Ask Auntie Leila and a comment from a reader, dear Chantelle.
I recently re-read your response to the lady who was feeling guilty for not working. Part of your advice to her was to use her time to learn things, to grow and to read…. However modern parenting books give me the heebeejeebees, I can't trust myself to read them as I know, even if I fundamentally disagree with what they say I will feel morally compelled to live up to their expectations…. Could you perhaps recommend some titles that may be advantageous to a young mum? The older my little girl gets the more clueless I feel! (I think you recommended The Abolition of Man by CS Lewis… so I think perhaps we might have similar tastes in these matters!)
Thank you for your blog. You manage to tell people (aka me) what they probably ought to be doing without making me feel like a failure. Also you remind me that I'm not the only one, even though you all are very far away! (I'm Australian). I've been praying the God will lead me to some real life kindred spirits but in the meantime you all make me feel a little less lonely.
Dear Chantelle,
I completely agree with your suspicion of modern parenting books, and I'll tell you why. They are mostly politically driven, and the specific politics that drive them are of the gender-neutral variety that make it impossible to even remotely suggest that a woman — a mother — has something unique to offer a baby, despite the overwhelming, indeed unanimous, research and common sense to the contrary.
Even books written from a putatively Christian perspective — the ones for the popular market — seem to me to suffer from a faulty anthropology. I haven't found any that are based on solid research and that take into account fallen human nature and/or common sense. To paraphrase from Ruddigore, the arguments sound very well, but if reduced to their syllogistical form they would not hold water.
So avoid all that.
The Gesell Institute is in New Haven, Connecticut, where I lived in my childhood. I don't remember now how I happened to be in the front offices — what could I have been doing there? I picked up and read as quickly as I could what, at the time, must have been pamphlets produced prior to the writing of the books I recommend here. I couldn't have been older than 16.
They were divided by the child's age, and I seem to have stored away certain facts, because they came back to mind when I had little ones of my own. I may have taken the book out of the library at some point, and chuckled over its accuracy (since by the time it was published I had a five-year old, a three, and a one).
Thanks to reading the Gesell information, many behaviors in children which strike others as faults that need to be corrected appear to me to be developmental issues that need to be guided properly. Knowing about how children act as they grow is just tremendously helpful to prevent excess freakage on parents' part.
I am happy to see that the Institute seems to oppose Common Core and continues to fulfill its original mission to protect the actual development of children from overzealous educators of all stripes. And the books are just written in a very positive way! However, I haven't looked into their views enough to recommend the Institute itself.
Reading these books, simply take note of the descriptions of the stages. Make your own determination about what to do about them, based on your convictions, your family style, and your knowledge of your child.
You don't have to do what they say about things, in other words, but just appreciate that someone is affirming that what your child is doing is what all children do, pretty much.
Big sigh of relief.
The other book is by an author who has gone completely to the dark side, Penelope Leach. This woman has abandoned all scientific objectivity to promote state-run and gender-neutral child rearing.
So do not buy her new books!
Nevertheless, the book I specifically link to above is available second-hand and I do recommend it. It systematically goes over everything that you need to know about taking care of a baby and child — with the child's interest at heart, rather than the busy parent's.
I'm sure there is some stuff in there that is outdated, but then, I think that a lot of today's advice will be outdated soon enough. As I say about “Your Baby and Child” in this post, babies have been babies for a long time! If you like to be told exactly how to do everything — with nicely drawn pictures — this is the book for you. In terms of the collective memory, there are quite valuable nuggets in here about taking care of sick children and understanding how babies are reacting to their environment. She's very practical about tantrums and other kiddo strategies for undermining your sanity. I'm sure you can mentally update things like diapers and sleep positions (which I take with a grain of salt anyway) as you read.
If you have a child who must be bottle-fed (an adopted child, for instance), she explains it all. I remember her breastfeeding advice as fairly reasonable.
The defects in the Leach book (especially breastfeeding and maternal bonding ones) are ably remedied by Sheila Kippley in Breastfeeding and Natural Child Spacing. But it goes beyond mechanics to explaining how the bond between mother and child is for the proper development of each, in every possible way.
The first means of communication that you have with your child are all about holding, cuddling, and feeding him — all of which I call “nursing” in the breastfeeding but also the old-fashioned sense. Communication builds on communication, so I do count a breastfeeding book (well, this one) as in this category of foundational reading.
I have many other books to recommend as reading for a young mother, but we'll stop with those, which actually were the ones I referred to myself when I was doing my foundational, “Life 101” reading way back when. I'll give you other ideas in the future!
Disclosure: I am sure you know that we get a little something when you click through and buy at Amazon. This funds our own book-buying! Thank you!
kimberlee says
Ah, memories! Never heard of the Gesell book but oh my, Penelope Leach was my right hand girl way back when. (and yes, that edition) Having no local relatives to assist me, I would sit and read that book for hours, over and over. That and my trusty 1981 Womanly Art of Breastfeeding (don't like the new versions of that either) were my constant sources of wisdom and comfort and explaining yes, it was really okay to sit and rock and nurse my firstborn on demand. He's 23 now, but oh! that Penelope cover took me right back. Such a helpful book for all the developmental stages of those early years. Yay Leila once again.
ayearinskirts says
What would that Gesell book say about my 8 almost 9 year old daughter who constantly talks in a high-pitched baby voice whenever she's around me? She pulls her hands up toward her chest and has them flopping down like a puppy and everything she says is some sort of high pitched screech, a jig “enga boing, enga boing, enga boiiiiiiiing!” and every R and L is a W.. It really gets on my nerves. (And to be honest it makes me not want to be around her as much or be as cuddly with her since it seems to wind her up even more.) I've even sent her to her room recently as a sort of “think about it” after asking her to stop and she promptly started up again. She says she doesn't do this at school. I don't know how strict to be with her about it.
_Leila says
ayearinskirts — I think you would benefit from reading them! Seriously. They give perspective.
And it's okay to get really mad, you know. You're a person too and can ask for basic respect. Sometimes a good confrontation clears the air, and your daughter is old enough to understand what you are getting at.
Katherine says
My pediatrician recommends the Gesell books and I found them very very helpful. In reading the one about “Your Three Year Old” I was very comforted by their description that the mother often gets the lions' share of the whining and tantruming. It's just developmentally where the 3 year old is as he grows. Knowing this, I felt more free to send him to preschool two mornings a week. We both need a break from each other and his teacher does not get the same behavior I do.
(I don't excuse his behavior… But I do see much of it as developmental and “normal” and then my husband and I teach him how to behave in spite of his own craziness. If that makes sense).
_Leila says
Katherine, I'm glad you agree that the books are helpful!
Your experience speaks to two cultural flaws we endure: 1. the lack of very helpful school options — school that doesn't intrude but really just provides something the home can't. When my kids were very little, there was preschool (which amounted to play time) for a couple of hours twice a week. You'd be hard pressed to find that today. Preschoolers must be away all day! 2. the lack of available older children to provide needed relief and detachment for that age child. In a society that didn't have preschool, you'd find gaggles of kids in need of something to distract them from baseball or hopscotch for an hour — they could take a whiny 3 yo off your hands!
And don't forget this post when it comes to whining: http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org//2013/11/a…
Anitra says
YES! All-day preschool has become so normal. I even sent my 4-year-old off to Pre-K (so I could get a break from her craziness and concentrate on little brother, while she got more intensive practice on social skills), but I made sure she went to a school that had a half-day program available. It broke my heart that she was the ONLY kid who went for a half-day; all the others were there from 8:30 until 3pm. Five days a week! The poor little kids – the teachers were certainly doing their best, but how exhausting for everyone involved – and I bet most of them were falling asleep on the way home with mom or dad.
She's in kindergarten now and I wish it was still half-day. She has adjusted to the new schedule, and it's nice for me to get “naptime” in the middle of the day, but it still seems like a lot, even for an academically-bent kid like she is. I can't even imagine for the more “normal” kindergarteners.
Jenny says
All day Kindergarten is a nightmare! I only have two school-aged right now and both are very academically oriented, but Kindergarten physically exhausts/exhausted both of them. My oldest is in 3rd grade and my second is a current Kindergartener. Both of them reverted to tantrums, crying, random outbursts, screaming, short tempers, and on. I know it is because they are exhausted, but we can't seem to push the bedtime back early enough and DO ALL THE THINGS and they will not nap after school. My oldest began to snap out of it in the Spring of that school year and we are still hanging on with my second.
How I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate all day Kindergarten.
Melissa Diskin says
I have the Gesell Institute's books by year (Your Four Year Old, Your Five Year Old, etc) and they are the most grounded books I know of. They really do lay out what the *child* needs, and show the wide-ranging nature of their behavior and types of thought and commentary at each age.
I also feel as if every modern manual or advice book is set up from the beginning in a way that seems very foreign to the needs of the child, and very interested in squeezing in parenting in the bits of time between daycare and bedtime. And of course the recommendations have changed, because parenting in 2 hours a day means you have no time, patience or will left to deal with so much that children throw at you.
I'm starting to call modern parenting “aunting or uncle-ing” — loving and good, but missing something essential. I think it's really mostly time!
Anne-Marie says
I loved that Penelope Leach book, too, except for one HUGE flaw: the advice for how to talk to child #1 when child #2 comes along. She advocates teaching the older one to have a superior attitude to the younger one, which in my opinion (based on sad experience) is deeply, deeply destructive of family solidarity.
There were four main things I really liked about it:
One, what you might call its basic attitude of optimizing–finding the best combination of resources to needs overall, rather than making any one requirement an absolute. Two, the sense of the mother's needs: not for bubble baths and spa days, but for getting the floor mopped and the groceries done. Three, the idea that you, as the grownup, have to give more (patience, understanding, self-control, effort) than you get. Four, the lovely drawings and photographs.
_Leila says
Anne-Marie, thanks for bringing that up. Of course, in any book of this type, you have to do what seems normal to you and take advice for what it's worth.
I think it's nice to have an older child sense that he's going to be helpful and protective to a younger sibling. They feel proud of being big and are eager to bring you a diaper or pick something up for you.
You are right that it would be easy to carry that too far. Mainly, my experience is that a child is either mostly oblivious to a new baby or actually full of wonder. I say go with either of those 🙂
Anne-Marie says
Haha, a friend just had her third and the older two fall one into each camp.
@Mrs_Ear says
Oh, I do dislike pretty much all the modern parenting books, even the Christian or “conservative” ones, so I bought all but the Kippley (because I already have The Art of NFP, Breastfeeding and Catholic Motherhood (though I'm Lutheran), and an old Womanly Art of Breastfeeding (new one is pretty awful)) as soon as I scrolled down to the links (all used, so it was easy to justify $10 total). I do also have Child Behavior by Ilg and two other authors that I picked up by chance at a used book sale, and I've found it to be pretty great for exactly what you suggest: realizing that most of the crazy things my now-three-old did and does are perfectly normal and that I can expect them to resolve on their own, so long as I don't make things worse or allow bad patterns to develop. Thank you!
bit says
Just a quick comment that adopted children do not always need to be bottle-fed – some mothers are able to induce lactation via a combination of pumping/lactation medication and produce sufficient supply at some point, although are more likely to need one of the at-breast supplementation systems. Moms who chose not to induce lactation could also use an at-breast supplementer with donor milk or formula and thereby breastfeed their child.
I haven't read them yet, but I've heard good things about Nancy Mohrbacher's breastfeeding books (http://www.nancymohrbacher.com/books/)” target=”_blank”> http://www.nancymohrbacher.com/books/)” target=”_blank”>(http://www.nancymohrbacher.com/books/).
Libby Jane says
Yes, yes! I'm so glad that you like these books! I don't know why it matters; I don't have to agree with you about everything, but it's so nice to. These books have and are helping me a lot. Just recently, my oldest, who is eight, has been completely flummoxing me, and this developmental perspective helped me get off the ledge I was on about it and relax!
Thanks again!
Dixie says
You know, I've actually found the newer “Womanly Art of Breastfeeding” very helpful. I'm a young mother, though, so I've never seen the older versions. I think the book is most helpful for encouragement when the going is tough and as a first reference when there's a problem. Like most parenting books, it can be a little militant, but it wasn't so bad.
I'd really be interested to hear why commenters dislike the newer version so much. Am I missing something? What changed between the editions?
Libby says
I know this is an old post, but I’m just catching up now that my son is six months old (already??). I, too, found the newer WAoBF helpful, but haven’t ever read the older one(s). Would love to hear what’s changed.
Sara says
I used to check out the Gesell Institute books, and I had Penelope Leach, too. I'm probably Catholic because of Breastfeeding and Natural Childspacing which I discovered at a La Leche League meeting (and I was there because someone gave me The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding!). When my revert husband said we needed to stop contracepting, I already knew about NFP thanks to Sheila Kippley….and so began my journey Home. 🙂
Graceinmyheart says
Thank you so much for these book recommendations! Good parenting books are so hard to come by and these seem to be very straight-forward and practical. I was reading through the age specific one about 4 year olds on Amazon and was chuckling to myself as I thought of my son and all his energetic antics. Can't wait to read the whole thing! As an adoptive mother, I also appreciate you mentioning how the one book talks about bottle feeding. Since it's my only option (and it seems to get such a bad rap!) I'm glad to know there is good information out there about it. 🙂 Please keep the book recommendations coming…us young mothers need them!
Kathy says
Wonderful book recommendations Leila! I am so glad I began parenting in the early 90's. I'm the type who would have been woefully led into complete frustration with my kids and doubted myself immensely with all the new PC parenting books. I actually discovered CCL and Sheila Kipley while pregnant with my first (although I don't know how now since it was the day prior to the internet) and between that and having some older mother's in my life who let me ask questions and be nosy, I was saved from the painful parenting practices happening today – is it any wonder that parent's who are misled begin to feel like failures and then the children who are so ill behaved end up on medication to control them. I'm not talking about true ADD, ADHD – I mean the countless ones who are medicated due to lack of self – control because it has never been taught.
I love your no-nonsense advice so much, please keep it up. I'm on the tail end of parenting with my youngest and I find your advice so refreshing, and a good reminder to keep my focus on truth in this world of parenting falsehoods.
Lisa says
Wow. I've started my mornings the last two days feeling depressed over my always-compliant-now-nearly-psychotic newly turned six year old. I peeked into one of the above mentioned books on amazon and saw the words, “The good 5-year-old becomes the explosive Six”. Again, wow. Just knowing we might be in an okay zone is unbelievably reassuring. This stuff really tears up my insides and causes chest pains (stress not heat attack). Hello two-day prime member delivery! Let me note here, this sweet boy of mine is my fifth! It really does pay to remember that sometimes we forget!
Lacy says
My goodness! It isn't just us, huh? My youngest has been an angel baby her entire life, but six has been awful! I've spent more time than I could count on my knees asking The Lord, “what are we doing wrong? How do we do it–whatever it is–right?” Mine is rapidly approaching 7, and she's starting to show signs of her sweet natured, compliant, lovable self, but it's been a long year. I think I need to find that book, too.
Lisa says
Lacy, that quote about “explosive Six” is from the “Child Behavior: The Classic Child Care Manual from the Gesell Institute of Human Development”, the second book Leila listed above. You can look into it there on amazon. Hang in there!
Julie says
Oh my, and yes, I have only been parenting for 9 years and the incredible swing in parenting styles is staggering. I actually don't mind the parenting styles as much as the mindset of moral excellency that comes with subscribing to a certain method. ( ie. If you parented the way I do, you wouldn't have this or that behaviorally, age appropriate problem) What a great idea to give parents the cues as to what is age appropriate, and then allow them to do what fits their family. Novel idea, truly. Thank you for this timely post.
Kim F. says
Does anyone know if any of these books (or other books) will help me to understand my almost 11 year old son? I am having so much trouble with him. Maybe it's normal, but I've never had an 11 year old boy before, so how do I know what's normal?! Our relationship has become very confrontational and it breaks my heart. I've tried reading Dr. Sears and Dr. Popcak books but they are no help. They seem to think that if you breastfeed/co-sleep/wear your baby then you will never have any parenting problems! At least that's the way it seems to this Mama. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.
Kathy says
Leila words things better, but I'm going to make an attempt.
The ages 11 or 12 – 15 were challenging for each of my boys (I have 8 boys, and 6 of them have been through this stage or are in it now). Here are my beliefs. It is the end of the childhood boy and the beginning of the man/boy. Hormones are starting up and news ways of thinking are taking shape. During this time, boys realize the mother they've pretty much idolized (because boys do love their mothers) is not perfect, and they are a bit sore about that. Do not fret, when all the cognitive of this stage is said and done, they will emerge on the other side more protective and full of 'real' love not idiolized love for their mother. Boys are just going through quite a lot during this phase of life and need lots of 'tough love' and lots of understanding. I can assure you, it is all worth it. I recommend, feeding them well, keeping the rules very VERY clear, and letting them talk when they need to. They are processing a lot, because they are growing up both mentally and physically.
I can't emphasize enough that it truly is a phase and the other side of this does not have to be disgruntled teen, but truly getting to watch the man God intended them to be take form. It is very, very rewarding to see this transformation – even if full of bumps along the way.
Elisa says
Maybe you need to read this post! http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org//2011/02/a…
Kim F. says
Just wanted to take a moment and thank those who have responded to my plea for help. I'm definitely going to re-read that post mentioned. And check out the “Your 10-14 Year Old” book. Kathy, your words meant the world to me. I need to be reminded to stand strong in my expectations for behavior and remember that raising a child to be an adult is a continuous process. It's hard for me, because I'm an instant gratification kind of girl. My parents were not horrible by any means but after a certain age (and a tragedy in the family) they just disengaged from parenting in any way. So I don't really have a good model for what I should be doing. That's why I love coming here and reading all this wonderful advice.
Lisa says
Kim, since I'm a mom on a mission, I will mention that I also saw (on Amazon) the book “Your Ten- to Fourteen- Year Old” by Louise Bates Ames (one of the author's of Auntie Leila's recommendations). You can take a peek inside it as well. I already checked to see if our library carries these and they do, so I'll be checking out quite a few these next few weeks. Leila, I'm eager to hear if these are a thumbs up or down, and I can't wait to start talking turkey and mashed potatoes 🙂
fountainsofhome says
I'm so happy to hear you also love the Gesell Institute books. I've really appreciated them so far, and my oldest is six, but I've learnt so much and I feel they're the best parenting books I've read. I've recommended them to everyone who asks me, and I'm so glad I'm hip with Auntie Leila! 😉
Katherine Lauer says
Thank you so much for promoting Kippley's work! It is so important.
Helen Hawersaat says
As a teacher/nanny, I’m always interested in good parenting books! I’ve had to read some really weird ones for classes… I’ll check these out!