I've gotten these sorts of questions in the past couple of months from various readers, so I thought I'd round up some representative ones and give it a go:
From a parish priest:
Dear Leila,
I hope you are well. I am planning a discussion with some parents who are looking for some guidance on how to raise their kids with the truth about marriage in our current situation. [The subject line of the email was “Parenting in a post-Obergefell* world.]
I was wondering if you have any particular advice or things to read on this issue.
God bless you and your family.
Fr. C.
*Obergefell is the Supreme Court decision that upheld “right to same-sex marriage” laws in this country.
From a mother:
Hi Auntie Leila,
Can I pester you for some specifics on how to explain to my girls all about (ahem) “growing up” stuff? … You know what I mean. Marriage. Sex. Everything that surrounds it emotionally and spiritually. What makes this harder is that I didn't get it right in my own life, not by a long shot. <insert ghastly history here>
You know? I mean, I'm a Christian *now*….but there's so much baggage.
I thought it was going to be hard a few years ago to have these conversations, but now, with the explosion of just everything — everything! — being okay in our bent culture, it feels like trying to open a door against a hurricane. I mean, I know this is not all up to me and my husband, but even we aren't on the same page with some things…
… I'm not without inner gumption. And I know that at a certain point on these issues, after we've done our duty, we give our children over to God's protection as they go off to college, etc…. But I feel like what used to be swimming against the tide is now swimming against a tsunami wave. (Maybe all parents feel this way. But it really feels like how the world sees these matters is inexplicable.)
Thanks for any thoughts/resources/encouragement you may have.
M.
From another mom:
I am leading a small group of young couples with small children from our parish we are discussing the incorporation of Theology of the Body into the upbringing of our children. I'm not sure if you've already posted about this, but in your experience, what have been some good age-appropriate answers to questions like “where do babies come from”? and age-appropriate discussions of their bodies and anatomy? We want to preserve their innocence, but we also don't want them to be ignorant and learn things from their friends on the playground down the line (like some of us did!). We are considering two age groups: babies until about age 5, and elementary age, from about 5-9 or 10. Thank you!
C.
The answer isn't an easy “get this program/book for your child and you'll be good.” The answer will likely get you in trouble with all sorts of people — including probably the bishop!
I wrote out my answer and Crisis Magazine published it today. It's called A Family-Friendly Guide to Sex Education. Go on over there to read it!
Then come back here and we'll talk. I'll answer questions in the comments, because over here we like to talk things out, don't we?
(And may I ask you to please share the important encouragement for families to, in the words of Pope Saint John Paul II, “become what you are!” — Thank you!)
Mrs. B. says
Thank you, thank you for tackling this! Our older kids are approaching the early phase of puberty, and we’ve been wondering how to prepare them for all the changes, since they are not curious in the least about these things: they never asked anything, not even when their little brother was born. We have told them that children are a gift from God to parents, and they were content with that (though my daughter was taken aback when she saw unmarried couples have babies – insert short lesson here about how some people abuse God’s gifts…)
I love this “organic” approach, in which the facts of life are not a “school subject” (even parents could treat them as such): kids are slowly prepared and learn by the most disparate situations, even by simply witnessing day in and day out how much their parents love each other.
Anyway, Leila, I have a question about a line in the article: you say that parents fight off worldliness, without letting on that it is a fight. Why not? Do you have in mind young children when you say this? It seems to me important to let older kids know, at some point, that they will find themselves in a fight to keep the truth they have learned. Am I misunderstanding something?
The last thing I’ll say is that I think making frequent Confession a habit is very important, both for parents and for children. When/if mistakes are made, everyone, especially teenagers prone to drama, will be helped by the knowledge that, if we failed Grace, we can always have recourse to Mercy, and start all over again with renewed Grace: it seems to me it will be much easier to reason like this if Confession has been a habit for a while, something we take for granted, like brushing our teeth. Goodness knows the devil loves to make the confession of sins into a big deal, and tries hard to discourage us…
Leila says
Mrs. B: Thank you!
For publication in Crisis, I had to adhere to a rather tight word count (for me!). So yes, there are many aspects of this question that I would love to amplify on.
Your point about confession is a wonderful one. So important to be in the habit of acknowledging sin; that way, it’s not a big surprise when we fall, and the reality of Jesus’ goodness is ever present.
What I meant about not letting on about the fight is that we can’t go around in a state of tension. As adults, we are super aware of the battle that rages around us. It’s really easy to forget that children are serenely UN-aware — even when we are trying to protect them, we can fall into the habit of letting our anxiety show.
I liken this to the struggle with finances. We want to teach our children to use money well, to be frugal, responsible, and also generous. Sometimes we are in the position of just not having money! But we don’t want them to know this. We want them to feel safe and secure.
So the battle that we fight needs to be kept to ourselves when it’s about the little ones. We don’t go around lamenting the state of things or in general speaking about things the way we do with our friends (or maybe it’s just me!).
When they get older, out of that latency period I speak of, they do notice everything. And that’s when we let them in on the dire situation we are living in. Yes, they have to be aware. Just remember, their trust in us is part of their armor, so we don’t want them to think we are losing, even though, well, I think we are losing. Fortunately for us, God is on our side, so we should be serene too!
Mrs. B. says
Thank you for your reply, Leila. I think the comparison with finances is one that clarifies well what you mean.
I think we’re losing, too. I think we’re witnessing folly. But I do get the necessity of being happy, serene warriors.
BK says
Speaking of finances, Auntie Leila – what do you tell children when they want something that is beyond your reach financially? We have no trouble saying no to frivolous items. We simply say that it is not a good use of our money and they don’t need it. But when they ask for *good* things that we would happily purchase for them if we were not in “reduced circumstances” – like a wholesome activity, an educational experience, travel, braces, a decent car for our family, a home of our own – how can we be truthful while preserving their sense of security? My own upbringing does not provide me with any helpful examples to draw upon.
Leila says
BK, we always said something like “yes, that would be lovely, but we can’t afford it!” If it was something worth pursuing, then we’d talk about how to make it happen by hard work, saving, or thrifting it.
Have you ever seen Mama’s Bank Account or read the book? I recommend it! Mama was very resourceful 🙂
Leila says
In other words, it’s fine to acknowledge that something is out of reach — we just don’t want to induce panic by suggesting that we are poor. Always say that Dad is a good provider and thank God we have everything we need and we have each other!
BK says
Thank you for the sound (as always) advice. I will definitely check out Mama’s Bank Account/I Remember Mama!
Maria says
We are in the same boat, and also with no inquiries whatsoever (save similarly with the unmarried thing.. One told the other that daycare was for kids without fathers (??) and we discussed that briefly as well)
Just, solidarity. Indeed
Lisa G. says
Wonderful article, Leila! So clearly put.
Jessica says
The lesbian “aunties” is our situation. My husband is very supportive of his sister, which makes it difficult to teach children. Please pray for me to obey God by trusting my husband and following his lead in this delicate area. Thank you for your thoughtful writing!
Leila says
Jessica, I encourage you to pray for unity. I know you do. The spouses have to help each other to the truth. For the sake of the children, spouses need to talk to each other and, in friendship, find solutions that are respectful of the deepest desires of each. You are right to follow his lead, but don’t give up on grace, which can move mountains!
Tia says
This is such a tough one to teach at home, especially if parents do not see eye-to-eye and they are exposed to other family lifestyles through all these changes in society. But on the other hand, I do feel that a school classroom is just a bad place to be teaching these things. I remember my sex education class in high school and it was truly horrifying. It was this weird mix of fear-inducing, overly-detailed descriptions of STDs plus weird random anecdotes from the teacher. And the sex education in 5th grade was so awkward. I have basically never used this information, and everything helpful I learned came later in life.
Honestly I just think we should scrap the whole notion of teaching kids “sex education” under the guise of a health class and should actually teach….HEALTH in health class. Practical, useful things, like: When do you actually need to go to a doctor when you have the sniffles, how do you prevent infection best by things like washing hands, how to cover your mouth when you cough, when are people contagious, what are serious symptoms and what are ones that can be treated at home, what should you do on a sick day to feel better, what foods to eat when you’re nauseated/throwing up/have the stomach bug, when do you actually need antibiotics versus them being useless or worse? There are so many people who go to an ER or a doctor to treat things that could be addressed at home, which is a big part of the doctor crisis. Why not teach our kids something that will actually be helpful later on in life, and potentially has the benefit of reducing the burdens of the health care system.
Leila says
Tia — as I say in the article, there is no other way. (Completely agree about health class!)
Once they have absorbed this truth — that they, the parents, are indeed the only ones teaching the children about sex — they will feel a greater urgency to get on the same page. It’s because everyone enables them that they don’t.
That said, the community and the church have to enunciate commandments and standards loud and clear.
Kelsey says
What a beautiful article! Thank you for your words!
My question is how do we teach our children (and how do we ourselves) treat marriages we know aren’t valid? Do we just assume all marriages are valid unless they have been proven null? My parents have been married 30+ years, but my dad had a marriage which ended in divorce before he married my mother. That would make my parents’ marriage invalid. My children know you can’t “undo” a marriage and now are asking me if grandma and grandpa are really married. I’m not sure how to handle situations like this in a way that is truthful to my children yet loving to my parents.
These complicated family situations (and this is one of the simple ones!) sure do frustrate me.
Leila says
Kelsey, I can’t speak to this particular situation — you have to find a trusted priest and talk it over. But the principle is “marriages are assumed to be valid.”
A says
Fr. Z looked at a similar question here, and I think his advice is applicable: http://wdtprs.com/blog/2014/06/ask-father-convert-ponders-consequences-of-parents-invalid-marriage/
Leila says
Thanks for finding this, A!
This is exactly what I would have said (and note that Fr. Z does highlight this principle, that marriage is presumed valid — marriage between a man and a woman, that is), but I don’t like to give advice that should be sought from a priest.
Fr. Z is a trusted priest with high standards. I think his answer hits all the right notes.
Alesha says
Auntie Leila,
Thank you for your article. There’s lots to chew on in there and I’m looking forward to discussing it with my husband. One further topic on which I’d love to hear some of your thoughts is that of the internet/screens/social media/pornography etc. We have very young children (3 and younger) but it has not escaped us that our children will be inundated with inappropriate content and information much more than we ever were. Gone are the days of finding a porn magazine in the ditch… they’ll easily be handed or come across something online on a phone/ipad/computer etc and likely much earlier than we ever learned about such distortions of sexuality. So I guess my question is, how do you live in the world, without hiding from it, but maintain appropriate boundaries of internet and the use of phones/screens, (and self-discipline over the addictive nature of the internet and iphones) while still protecting and teaching our children?
Alesha
Tia says
Honestly ,this terrifies me too. I see pornography in particular as a kind of poison that seeps into the brain and warps a person’s outlook even when they’ve kicked the habit. And yet, how can we protect our little ones from this?? From my male friends/relatives I am told this exposure happens very early — often at 10 or 11, and often at someone else’s house. But can we never trust another family to chaperone our children?
In our own home, our plan is to limit screen time in general, so that it’s a rare treat and one that is partaken of as a family. So no private computers, televisions, no private phones, no private iPads or what-have-you. Everything in the common room. But clearly this won’t be enough once they start interacting with other children.
Dixie says
The head of anti-pornography work in our diocese (where this is a particular focus if the bishop) told us in a talk at our parish that the age of first exposure to pornography for boys is EIGHT. 8!!! We were all shocked — many of us had guessed 10 or 11.
Dixie says
*average age
Mrs. B. says
Dixie, you must be in the Arlington Diocese, like me 🙂
Dixie says
My secret’s out 😉
Victoria says
I really like Tia’s approach: screen time is an occasional family activity and not a solo activity. Though my kids are little, we have quickly learned this is the only really safe way to enjoy media these days (and probably ever, it’s just particularly ugly today). I think it’s also important to remember (and maybe you do) that kids don’t have a right to have phones or tablets or anything. They probably don’t need any sort of word processing capability or electronic data base access until middle school when clear rules and boundaries would go a long way.
My own big worry involves other children sharing pictures or videos from their devices with my children. Even a very good, well-formed child can accidentally stumble upon pornography and, not understanding it, get hooked on watching it. My own strategy as a parent is to avoid becoming very close with families who allow their children to sit around with phones or tablets when company is over. A bad screen habit says to me that the parents are not thinking about what constant screen time does to a child’s character, and certainly aren’t taking steps to prevent accidental porn exposure. I’m sorry to say this includes people in my own family; it puts a strain on my husband and me because we try not to allow our kids to wander off with children who have phones in their pockets, so to speak, and it’s tough when it’s a family member you don’t trust.
Leila says
Alesha, here is my post on this question: http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org/2013/10/standards-and-solidarity-ten-ways-to/
Children should not have phones and tablets! We have to give them an innocent childhood!
Think of the scope for bullying, not to mention interaction with inappropriate images.
Each family has to set standards, but I am here to tell you that there is no reason for a young child to have a screen of his own.
Amy says
Amen! Amen! Thank you for saying this. People seem to assume that children need devices. Why can’t parents say no to them? We don’t allow our kids to have their own devices (of course they are only 9, 6 and 4), but a grandparent wanted to buy our daughter a computer a couple years ago. We said no thanks. Also, a rule in our house is that our kids are not allowed to look at anyone’s phone/tablet without our permission. Out in public recently a man complemented me on our daughters. He said it was so good to see them reading rather than being on a device. I am not Catholic, but I appreciate your wisdom in many areas. Thank you, Leila, for your encouragement.
Alice says
I agree with you about strictly limiting children’s access to screens and internet. My children are still very small, so it hasn’t become a big issue yet, but I know that protecting them from other peoples’ screens will become more of a problem. Read Glow Kids, by Nicholas Kardaras. It really gave me the information and determination to feel confident that no child under at least 12 years old needs a phone, a tablet, or even much in the way of computer access. It’s not just the porn, though that’s a huge deal; the electronics are damaging to their neurological and social development. My husband and I are hoping to homeschool, so that definitely will help us keep the kids away from screens at school. As for friendships, though – we are hoping and praying to find enough like-minded families to have a community where people have, if not identical, at least similar standards for their children. I’m glad to hear of others with similar ideas!
Serena says
Thank you for tackling this Auntie Leila! I was wondering when exactly you started talking with your daughters and sons about sex? Or puberty and all the joy that entails? My oldest is 8 and although I know it is too early to talk about certain aspects, is there something I should be talking with her about right now, aside from answering any questions she comes up with on her own? I plan on getting the American Girl book you recommended, but don’t want to get it too soon. I guess I am having a hard time realizing she is not quite so little anymore!
Leila says
Serena, each family has to figure this out on their own — there is no outside guideline for when to talk to your children…
A lot depends on the questions they ask, you know? And then you ask them… and of course, it happens one-on-one.
The signs that puberty is approaching are fairly easy to spot. That is your signal to bring things up — again, with questions about “did you notice… ” or “do you want to ask me about anything…”
The best way, I think, is to start with the changes in the body and then to move on to *why* the body is the way it is, “so that someday you can find the person who you can give yourself to in marriage, and you can have children together and love each other.”
Little by little, being sure to ease up if things seem overwhelming to the child.
You will be fine.
That book is a good one to have and read yourself. It helps you know what to bring up!
Personally, I think it’s best for the father to talk to the son. Here is a post of mine (not really about sex, but good for thinking about stepping back and letting sons and father connect more as time goes on): http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org/2011/02/ask-auntie-leila-10-rules-for-mothering/
Serena says
Thank you Auntie Leila! I feel a little more relaxed now 😊. I love your posts about mothering the older son or daughter – I will have to go and read them again!
KC says
Can you please tell me which American Girl book this is? Thank you! And thank you for this great post (as always)!
Serena says
Hi KC, it is The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Younger Girls. They now have a book for older girls, but this one says it is for 8 – 12 year olds. I have not read it yet of course, but I believe it just covers puberty and taking care of your body, without discussing sex. Here is the blog post where Auntie Leila talks about it: http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org/2011/04/the12-year-old-girl-six-thoughts/.
Julianne says
My husband and I loved your article! So timely and helpful for our family. I especially loved that my children could safely read over my shoulder :). It’s almost as if you’ve stayed at my house and know how things go…
Leila says
Haha, Julianne! I pray that every house is as peaceful and lively as yours!
Donna L. says
Thank you for tackling this subject! I appreciate that your article talked about keeping our children’s innocence intact. So important for their childhood not to get stripped from them. Some seem so intent on “the talk” with teens, without having built trust and polite sharing, FIRST at an early age. Then, the youth doesn’t feel like he/she can come to the parent with anything and that is a tragedy. Then *the talk* turns into this one-time conversation, when it would be great if it were one of many….
I liked “The care and keeping of you” by American Girl, and feel that it talks modesty, cleanliness and how to take care of basic hygiene issues. I talked to my girls, and they know most of these things already, since I discuss privacy issues and how our bodies are sacred and we are to keep them clean, covered and dress respectfully. A few of my kids are more private and shy about asking things but I found it to be reassuring for them to have a book with some questions and answers in there, that helps conversations get started.
I found a few books that were recommended on Amazon as I was looking at the American Girl book and I say, be VERY careful to read it first. There is much too much info for a young lady to be reading in some of these other books–beware~
Wendy says
I would love an expanded answer to the mom who “didn’t get it right in her own life.” So many of us are in those shoes in varying degrees. My children are in the young adult stage and I never dreamed that these talks could be so hard, I am so grateful to be the one they are talking to, but there is just so much. How do you lead them in a path you know is right but didn’t walk yourself.
Thanks for this wisdom.
Leila says
Wendy, remember Romans 6:4 — Therefore we are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life.
If St. Paul could have persecuted Christians and even killed them, and then gone on to tell them what to do to follow Christ, even citing himself as someone to be imitated, then perhaps there’s hope for us poor sinners!
Seriously, this is where our trust comes in. We are doing what’s best for our children. In a way, it’s energizing when we’ve lived through all the nonsense and know the lies. Very often people accuse me of living in a bubble. Well, that bubble is something I worked for, after living in the whatever-the-opposite-of-a-bubble-is.
That’s valid, you know? And when the kids are really old enough to be aware of the world around them, you can begin letting them know that you DO know what life without the struggle for virtue does to a person. You don’t have to go into all the details, it’s not your confession, but you can talk about some of the things you’ve seen and why you found them destructive.
Somehow, people want us to think that if we have repented and then tried to live according to God’s word, we are hypocrites! But that is not true! A hypocrite is someone who tells OTHER people to live according to God’s word but doesn’t himself. Believe me, children see that you are trying to follow God.
In a way, they appreciate it more. Maybe there’s a pride in having “done everything perfectly” that doesn’t sit well with kids, and that’s why they are vulnerable to attacks, especially on their purity. But then, out of fear of being that “proud” person, we fail to protect them.
Yes, it’s a tricky business! Don’t worry.
Stay close to Him in the sacraments, and trust.
Maybe this post of mine helps a little, for when we regret the past:
http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org/2015/07/hope-for-when-you-regret-the-past/
Wendy says
Thank you so much. It is a tricky business. I am glad that He keeps me close.
Sarah S says
I am so happy that we are discussing this here! Absolutely vital. I’d also like to affirm the role of a mentor as part of the Christian sex education team. By a mentor, I mean someone who is older than the teen, loves her, gives her sound advice, but doesn’t have a stake in the how-will-you-turn-out game. I mention this based on my and my three sisters’ experience. Our mother talked with us about purity and modesty a lot, but we never confided in her with any doubts or feelings we had because we sensed that she would be so threatened by what we said that she would just try to fix us instead of understanding us. (We’ve talked about this among ourselves a lot now that we have kids.) Maybe this was unjust to her, but now, as an adult with an amazing relationship with my mother, I still think we were right. Most likely, my mom would have listened, but would have been obviously thinking of how to help us choose God/assuage our doubts/remain pure to the point of not really understanding us. From my experience, a teen will confide in a person who he already knows is absolutely non-judgmental, which for issues in sexuality often does not mean either of the parents.
That’s why I’m advocating a mentor- someone older who is open to talking about godly sexuality as part of a long-standing wider relationship. I think as parents, it’s our job to seek someone who will be interested in each of our children just because she thinks our child is wonderful (aka no relationship that obliges them to take an interest). If that person shows up, then it’s our job to encourage that relationship- hopefully long before puberty so it has time to grow- but not, of course, unsafely. For me, my mentor was my high school Sunday school teacher, who was interested in me and all of his students because he understood that we had serious thoughts and opinions and wanted to help us develop them better. Since he was a man, I obviously never asked him about sexuality though! I fully understand that this can be a fine balance between encouragement of a relationship and safety for our children. I am trusting that God will guide each of us in how to protect our children and trust others at the same time. A mentorship may never bring about conversations of about Godly sexuality- mine sure didn’t. However, it will still confirm to the teen that (s)he is wanted by the wider church community, not just his parents.
One last thought- every person seems to respond to knowledge of sexuality differently. Some are fine not knowing anything until close to marriage. Some are open enough to ask their parents and other adults their questions. But, some have questions and are curious, but simply cannot approach their parents- this can be SO dangerous! This is the group I’m talking about. I hope my experience provides some food for thought and hopefully you all have ideas about how to handle this third type of person. God bless you and this discussion!
Rachel Meyer says
Thank you for having the courage and charity to write about this. So many of us are desperate for guidance from someone who shares our perspective!
We, too, are in the “aunties” situation, but I have chosen to allow my toddler boys to call the partner Aunt. I believe, at least knowing my own boys, that they assume the two of them are both my sisters, in as much as they understand that I, an adult, have family at all. “Aunt Polly” and just “Beth,” but Beth isn’t our aunt, would probably elicit more questions earlier than simply assuming we have the same relationship to them. I think it will be a long time before it occurs to them that there might be a sexual, not a sibling, relationship between Polly and Beth, and by that time, when they understand the idea not only of sexuality but of homosexuality, they should be able to understand a really more simple concept like, “people do things that are wrong, but sometimes it’s not our job to fix them.” Refusing to call Beth “Aunt Beth” on principle is really more of an affront to Polly and Beth than a lesson to the kids, in my opinion. And given that my relationship with them is a bit tenuous as it is, given that I’m very Catholic and they are very much not Christian, I have to choose my battles. “No same-sex PDA in front of my kids” is where I’ve chosen to draw the line, but I have let “Aunt Beth” slide, in our situation.