“Children are allowed to grow up in ignorance and moral idleness; hence their piety is too often nothing but mere sentiment–a sort of misty and vague dreaminess — which is death to the spirit of prayer.” – Abbess Bruyere
{Here is my first post on how important moral education is to happiness.}
Let's take it for granted that you are well acquainted with the archives here (drop down the “Raising Children” menu in our menu bar) and know how much I've written about home life, lived with order and wonder (even amidst the perfectly normal chaos of family!).
Through the Liturgical Year and ordinary day-to-day interactions, full of affection, our children gradually become familiar with Scripture, prayer, and worship.
The literature we read to the child, the stories he hears, and soon, the books he reads, all pay homage to the real moral truths that he begins to apprehend (if they are chosen wisely!): that the good is worth seeking, that actions matter, that inside of us all is a compass that keeps us on the path, if we don't break it. Not that any of the books say so in so many words, but they take it for granted, and they are beautiful. Beauty itself reveals the good.
The baby and the very young child, in the normal course of things, learn that some things are naughty* and that obedience brings a delightful freedom and sense of belonging. For the under-six-or-sevens, your approval is what matters.
And then comes the time that reason dawns. (Both religion and psychology note that the child seems to turn a corner somewhere around age seven — I like to think of it as a stage stretching from maybe age five to eight, because it really does depend on the child and doesn't happen overnight, either.) The child becomes aware of a world out there and his relationship to it — including the world of good and evil.
A certain amount of actual instruction has to occur. The question of “how to teach religion” or “how to pass on the faith to our children” is more about living than about telling, but telling there must be. Just a little, to rescue their spiritual life from “nothing but mere sentiment” as the quote above has it.
We will talk about that now.
We need to pay attention to the formal moral education of our children! Have you not noticed the crying need? The masses of people who seem to have no knowledge of right and wrong, good and evil? That we keep coming back to the realization that no amount of money or therapy can help them, because they need the habit of good?
Where did things break down?
I suggest to you that they broke down with the reluctance of parents to simply teach them — and the clergy to teach the parents…
If only, we think — if only there were an established list of rules or even commandments that covered all human behavior, that we could teach children early on, avoiding the obvious pitfalls of merely responding to difficulties as they crop up!
If only these rules went along with the child as he grows up, there, for him to consult in times of difficulty — even when we are not there to correct! They should be permanent, universal — written on stone, as it were.
What a relief that would be!
Well, good news, there is such a list, and I think you know that it is the Ten Commandments. Jesus Himself spoke of them, saying “If ye love me, keep my commandments,” (John 14:15).
I suggest the following plan of action, and everything that I say here is a gradual process to be done in the years between the age of reason dawning and the time, around puberty, when a more analytical approach can be taken. (Part 3, maybe!)
Reading material
Get yourself the Catechism of the Catholic Church. If you haven't already, start reading it from the beginning. But also start reading the section concerning the Commandments. You are really your child's spiritual director, and a director has to know the moral law pretty well — you can't teach what you don't know yourself, and you certainly can't teach virtue without yourself striving for it.
This requires ongoing study and you might as well go to the source. The Catechism of the Council of Trent would be the other one to read. Have a copy of each handy — yes, it's the work of a lifetime to go through these treasuries — and a challenge — and a joy!
Get the Baltimore Catechism for your child. You can get the old St. Joseph version with its old-fashioned pictures. Some like them, some don't — I think the fact that they are in black and white makes them more universal than their style suggests; but if you'd rather, there is a version with no pictures.
Take this book as a curriculum guide for you. It provides you, in addition to the basics of faith, with the timeline: Creation, Fall, exile, giving of the Law, Redemption, founding of the Church, Second Coming. You will refer to this timeline over and over, and soon you will notice that we are living in it as we live the Liturgical Year.
The book provides you with Scriptural references. Take each lesson slowly — each one could be a week or quite a bit more! By the time you read it yourself, either read it to the children or say it in your own words, delve into the Scriptures in a slow, loving, listening way, ask them the questions (again, quite likely in your own words, not as “busy desk work”), and think it all over, yes, a week or more might go by.
Thus, one of the books might take two years! That's fine.
Very importantly, the Baltimore Catechism takes you and your child through each commandment, slowly and with a lot of insight. By slowly, I mean that you will return to this year after year! (There are other editions for older children that go more into depth.)
The Greatest Commandment
Specifically about learning the Commandments: First, read Jesus' answer to the lawyer.
Jesus said unto him: Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment.
And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets. — Matthew 22:35-40.
This is called “The Greatest Commandment” and of course it's a summation of the Law in Deuteronomy and in Leviticus.
You can print The Greatest Commandment to form two sides of a hinged diptych, as they do on wooden tablets in the Atrium — (your Mod Podge skills would be very handy for this use!), or otherwise connected. They go together and form two parts of the Law. (You can put them in a pocket folder to make a lapbook, unfolding and refolding to make your diptych.) I do think it's worth making a beautiful one of your own, either printed in a readable but beautiful font or copied in your own hand. That way the child has a model to aim for, and you will both be meditating on it, just as God tells us to do.
Keep having your child write this out. He can certainly memorize it very quickly.
Now let's also look at Luke 10:28, the Parable of the Good Samaritan. We don't often pay attention to the beginning, where Jesus asks the expert in the law, “What is written in the law? How do you read it?”
The man answers: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’ and ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'” Jesus approves of this answer — and do you see how important it is that the man is able to say it to him? We can use this as a model for teaching our children; only then does Jesus go on to explain to him who his neighbor is.
The man must know the big picture, so to speak, of the commandments, before he can delve into the particulars of loving his neighbor.
What he repeats is the “summary of the Law” — and what is it summarizing? The Ten Commandments, of course. So then you will start studying those. It's easy enough to find or make worksheets that help children put them in order, learn their finer points, and memorize them.
The Ten Commandments
A good work (and it could be weeks or months before you get to this, and you will return to it) is to have the child copy out the Ten Commandments on “stone tablets.”
But — important! Do not do as you see all over the internet and in many workbooks, and put five on one side and five on the other!
No! Not five and five!
Put the first three on one side, and the other seven on the other. Here is a document for you: Stone Tablets for 10 Commandment Work.
The reason is that the first three relate to the first part of the Greatest Commandment — loving and honoring and worshiping God. The seven relate to the second part — loving one's neighbor.
Note that the fourth commandment — honor your mother and your father — provide the bridge between the two, for the family is the way the child learns of God's love here on earth as he develops.
As I said, there are many ways to memorize them. I would take some care to keep whatever medium you choose serious and appropriate (that is, stay away from cartoons unless you want your child to associate God's Law with, well, cartoons).
Some thoughts
As you are doing this, you might keep a couple of things in mind (besides not rushing, which I hope you are convinced not to do).
First, don't take the attitude that you are trying to persuade your child of the truth of these Commandments. They are givens — literally given to Moses by God. They have to do with the reality of God and of how He made us; they also reflect the Fall and our inclination to sin.
So don't seek affirmation. Be calm, not anxious. The most important thing the child learns in his religious education is that the universe isn't here to affirm him; on the contrary, he must conform to its implacable ways. Blessedly, Our Lord came and died that he might do that!
Second, be aware that the study of the Commandments is the way we form the conscience of the child and give him the resolve to obey it. Romano Guardini says, (speaking actually of the Commandment of keeping Holy the Sabbath Day, in his marvelous little book, Meditations Before Mass):
“In the conviction of a thing's finality and inalterability lies a peculiar strength. As soon as I am convinced that I should perform some act, I can do it… Anything but steadfast by nature, man is always ready to let things slide; this definite law in his life is something like the bones in his body, giving him firmness and character.”
Confession
So knowing the Commandments is obviously the way to prepare for confession (and not just for children!). Confession is how we grow in the moral life, children and adults alike — how else are we to do it? We need grace, we need Jesus.
So often we are flailing about, trying desperately to think of what we will say. Probably this is the greatest obstacle to confession — we just can't think! Are we really so bad? But as soon as we delve into the commandments, we realize right away where our fault lies.
I've taught the Commandments to children for years now. I'm always struck by their intense interest in the ones about lying and stealing. I think it's a mistake to think that children don't commit sins — to trivialize the importance of their failings, either objectively or as it appears to them. Their consciences are sometimes stricken, and you can sense that it's a great relief, actually, for them to know exactly how they can repent and make amends. Of course, they never say any of this, but their riveted attention gives you the hint of it.
I've heard good priests complain that confessions tend to be things like “I didn't love myself enough” and “I failed to love God as I should.” But really, I fault the priests — as well as the seeping of self-absorption into the devotion business — because all the teaching we get today (and all we give our children) is just that vague and useless.
Remedy: The Good Old Ten Commandments.
The Baltimore Catechism seems to understand the mind of the child very well. I use it as a guide, reading the points and paraphrasing as I see fit — another time you can dwell on another aspect if you like.**
Here, in this post, I am really focusing on teaching and learning the Moral Law, but you can easily see how to expand this method of using the Baltimore Catechism in the various parts of the religious curriculum. One really delves into Creation, the goodness of the universe, the maleness and femaleness of man; the Fall, and what its parts are; each stage of covenant giving along the way; the long, remote preparation for Redemption; the Life of Christ; the establishment of the Church. This outline would be used for every stage with its own appropriate level of detail and analysis.
We can go into it another time.
For now, I want to get across how simple and direct it is to teach the Ten Commandments. Our world is hungry for people who know and love God's law, who know right from wrong and good from evil, and who desire to grow in virtue.
*Long ago, when I was just starting to have children and to think about how I would talk to them, I read the advice that one should call behavior “naughty,” not the child “bad” — and I couldn't agree more. “Don't be naughty” is a much better correction than “you are a bad boy.” It's self-evident, isn't it?
** The only real editing I've done of the Baltimore Catechism as presented in this book is to leave off the emphasis it places on immodesty, under the 6th commandment, because my class has been of boys only. I always add that for boys, modesty means dressing appropriately to the occasion, not assuming that going about in your undershirt is appropriate, and looking in a girl's eyes, no matter how she happens to be dressed. With my own children, I only discovered this book by the time I got to Bridget. I think we had enough conversations about modesty that we didn't spend too much time on it. The main thing with this commandment, when addressing a child, is to say that one doesn't treat someone who isn't a spouse as if he or she is, and vice versa. I tell them that it's something to think about for later, when they are thinking of whom they will marry. (I have posts about this subject if you are interested: here is one about purity.)
Therese says
Your post is filled with wisdom and truth.
When my children started coming along I asked both my Mom and Mom-in-law what advice they could give me. It was great advice.
My Mom-in-law stated firmly, “You do it on your knees, dear, on your knees.” This advice is vital as Mom and Dad strive to guide their children on the journey to Heaven. The older the children get the more the knees are used.
My Mom’s advice was, “Therese, do what comes naturally. You will be fine.” Mom said that because she and Dad had done all that was stated by Leila, in her post above. Mom didn’t worry about my moral compass she and Dad had taught me the 10 Commandments and they lived them. They didn’t have to teach us kids The Sign of the Cross, it was a natural thing to do, like walking, because we had seen them make the Sign of the Cross daily with love and reverence and we followed suit.
There was less distraction in the days of my growing up and so parents today (as I discovered) have to work at saying no to distractions in the world. In order for parents to be a moral compass the kids need to be with them. That means, limiting “out-of-home” time. “In-home” is where the moral compass finds a firm platform on which to rest and find stability and peace.
Rachel says
“Note that the fourth commandment — honor your mother and your father — provide the bridge between the two, for the family is the way the child learns of God’s love here on earth as he develops.”
Fifth commandment, right?
Leila says
Rachel, the Catholic list is as follows:
1. I am the Lord your God: You shall not have strange Gods before me.
2. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.
3. Remember to keep holy the Lord’s Day.
4. Honor your father and mother.
5. You shall not kill.
6. You shall not commit adultery.
7. You shall not steal.
8. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
9. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife.
10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s goods.
That is how they are arranged in the books I mention.
Here is an apologia for the list, with an interesting history of how the different ones come to be made — it’s not crucial, but the Catholic way is the oldest way:
http://www.catholic.com/magazine/articles/the-true-ten-commandments
Helena says
Ha, see Whit Stillman’s _Love and Friendship_ for a hilarious discussion (or discussions) of the ten commandments and their numbering… my favorite part of the film!
Leila says
Helena, yes!! Super funny!!
Marie says
Rachel, the Fourth Commandment is “Thou shalt honor thy mother and thy father”, the Fifth Commandment is “Thou shalt not kill”. Although Protestants use a different numbering, so perhaps that’s what you’re referring to.
Lisa G. says
When I went to confession as a child, I remember saying once to whichever adult was nearby, “I feel like I’ve lost weight”. I don’t recall the reaction, but even at a young age I had that feeling of relief.
Luana says
Dear Auntie Leila, thank you so much for writing this posts! Please keep on writing about it, sharing your experience is of such a great value for us!
My children go to religious education at the Church, but we live in west Europe now (I come from another country) where 10 commandmends seem to be too demanding, or not needed anymore, or not moder enough because we are enlightened now and all such a nice people. I think my children will never learn about it there and am very thankful for your ideas how to do it at home, year after year. I have learned so much from you and your daughters, thank you all.
I desperately need an advice about confession. My oldest daughter will have her First Communion in spring and I found out that there is no first confession before (or better said, never.This sacrament is not needed here. So sad…)
So, I don’t know why I was suprised, when I heard that (also from other families we know who live in another parts of the country), I could have expected it, but I still tought they couldnt just skip one whole sacrament. But yes, thats the reality and I have to face it.
Here and there you can find a priest who offers confession few times per month and I am very grateful for that. Usually there are only 1-3 people waiting in a “row” (I have never seen more). I am pretty sure the new priest nearby (who offers confession) would be very willing to do first confession with my daughter. But how can I do it? How can I prepare my sensitive child for it, who has hard time accepting any big change, especially when she knows she is the only one and noone else of her friends (and maybe ven their parents?) even knows about it? I feel so helples and afraid I might mess up, no matter what I do. My dear friend, a faithful Catholic, has let her child go to her First Commuion without confession, like all kids. She of course hopes her child will go later, but I wonder how? This step will not get easier. I love sacrament of confession, it is such a treasure and a gift. But I have no idea how to help my children to see it. I grew up in a completely different culture and sometimes that my dream of raising faithful Catholic children is pretty hopeless here. Clearly, this taughts don’t come from God. Maybe also some other reader was in similar situation and would like to share their experience?
My husband is Catholic too, a wonderful man, but he was raised in this culture and confession is not his way of asking for forgiveness from God. He would support me, if I could find a good and caring way for our child to take this step and if our daughter would be willing to do it.
Oh, my, I would be so grateful for your prayers and advice Leila. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Leila says
Dear Luana, don’t worry, I understand you.
It’s really a bad situation when the priests can’t be bothered with the sacraments, but rest assured, where there is demand there will be supply.
Can I recommend that you read the encyclical Quam Singulari? http://www.papalencyclicals.net/Pius10/p10quam.htm
I’m sure you can find it in your native language.
I recommend if possible that you read it with your husband and maybe even have a little reading group with couples — after Christmas would be a great time for it. The document is really short and you could have wine and cheese and lovely desserts — it would be fun!
Once you’ve read it, you (and hopefully your friends) will be convinced that your children (and you!) need confession. So you will go to the priest and he will provide it for you. Hey, you could invite priests to your reading party!!
As to your children, bring them with you to confession and ask the priest to give them a blessing after your own confession. Say, “My daughter would love a blessing — can you give her a blessing?” Tell him that you will bring her into the confessional to receive it.
This way, she will get used to going into the confessional. After a time, you can gently discuss with her what is said there — and especially the FORM (the words that the penitent says other than the sins, what the priest says, how to respond, etc. you can look it up online).
When you are learning about the 10 Commandments, each time you discuss one, spend some time talking about what we would do if we broke it. “Could God forgive us?” (yes) “How would he forgive?” (via the sacrament — and if it is not a serious sin, by prayer, holy water, Mass, etc). All this is in the catechism, so don’t worry.
When the priest sees that there are some families who are raising their children this way, he will come around. It will take time, but he will.
Pray for GOOD FRIENDS!! and for GOOD PRIESTS!!!
Therese says
Great advice from Aunt Leila.
One thought which has probably been addressed is that you are not alone with your children as you instruct them, pray with them, and live life with them. You know this already, but be aware of it as you breath and walk through your gifted day. Your Guardian Angel and your child’s is with you. Mother Mary will hold you and teach through you. It doesn’t all depend on you. Have confidence in God’s Kingdom that you live in here and now. You have all of Heaven about you. Ask their help throughout the day. The Holy Spirit will open you mouth and your child will hear. The awareness (I’m not sure that is what you would call it) of this reality can save many a situation of a day and can surely help draw a child into loving the Sacrament of Confession (It also develops friendship with all in Heaven).
Luana says
“You have all of Heaven about you.”
Thank you Therese for this words! Yes, it is not true that I am alone in this and really, with God and angels and saints on our side we have the best help and support possible!
Luana says
Dear Leila, thank you for your answer! I read Quam Singulari, it is a good read and I would love to share it with friends (and homemade bread and cheese!), but… which friends? Where could I find people who can read a document like this together? I am usually way to optimistic, but .. I don`t see a possibility for something like this in my life now. Yes, the one friend I mentioned, she would. But her and my husband? I cannot imagine. People here couldn`t care less about what some pope says, or has said, or Magisterium, or Church tradition or whoever. This is THE Thing they learned in church and religion classes here. It is simply irrelevant for them, even for people who care a lot about prayer life with their families and personal relationship with God.
I was chatting with my eldest daughter today morning and she asked me, out of the blue, if all apostels are holy. I said, we don`t know about Judas, only God knows. Then she talked some more about religion classes and told me that her teacher said that not everything in Bible is true. Some people belive that Jesus really did a miracle when he feeded 5000, but others – the teacher also – belive that 5000 people brought something to eat with them and then with Jesus help decided to share a meal. So miracle was that Jesus has moved their hearts.
And there are other stories in Bible, like Egyptian plagues and when the God divided the Red See i two.. and so on, and on, because, well, people who wrote the Bible were just people like you and me and they have told stories and … blah, blah,,,
My heart sunk and my stomac hurt.
I had a good cry and a strong drink and now – now I need a little space on your couch, Leila, and your handmade quilt and few angels to sing me a lullaby, with a harp, please.
I am not made for this. Me, my eldest daughter and my husband all have a such a hard time being different. We have a big need to fit in, to be a part of, to belong….
We are already so different – strangers, homeschoolers (exotic here), catholics, on most sundays we are here the only crazy family going to church, our home is “too small”…
and now even more crazy? Religion classes are not religious enough for us…..?
What am I to do? My skin is too thin for serious talks and conflicts with religion teachers and my children love their religion classes, teachers and friends there. How can I forbid them to go?
Why did I start this? Oh, yes, I remember. A priest has asked us how do we think our children could get sacraments, without attending religious education? And theachers were lovely woman and I tought it would be a good idea if our children can hear at least parts of their faith also from someone else.
I am sad. And overwhelmed.
After dear comments from all of you I knew in my heart that I can make it. That I, with tons of help from heaven (all you holy people up there will have some serious work to do!) and good people on earth, can prepare my child for her first confession. I trust that tons of graces from our Lord will come our way. Because that is the only way it will get done and God obviously wants us to do it.
I felt courageous (which I am naturally not) and full of hope.
This religious teachers became our friends. We like them and their families very much and some of them have very heavy crosses to bear. They sincinerly think they are doing good work for God. I do not want to be the one to tell them, that it is not good enough for my children……
But I also cannot be blind and not see how their children are not in the church anymore..
Puh, ok… I am ready for your toughts, Auntie. Just so you know, I am very phlegmatic-sanguine, so please don`t tell me to call the nations to repentance from the housetops 😉
Tomorrow we will go to Sunday Mass in a new parish, where there should be a good priest and a few families! I wanted to go there for a few months, but it is not easy to come there without car. But, now I am motivated enough, we can make it. God bless us and all of you! Have a happy Gaudete Sunday!
Mrs. B. says
Luana, perhaps you are close to an FSSP parish: they have 5 in Switzerland: http://fssp.org/en/coordonnees.htm#Suisse
And even if you’re not close to one of them, you could contact the good fathers and ask for help and advice on resources. I really hope and pray you will be able to find good friends who share your love for the whole truth. One can have all sorts of more or less close acquaintances – but when faith is involved, be choosy! Don’t let bad influences come into your house without gently countering them with the whole truth. You would not let your daughter’s math teacher teach her wrong things, or her grammar teacher teach her it’s all right to misspell words.
It’s up to you to decide the approach that suits you best – take heart! Wish we could visit too!
Luana says
Thank you Mrs. B. for your recommendations! And for your clear words, you are right.
In this moment I don`t feel able to do much more than search for a good place where my daughter could receive her First Reconciliation and do my best to prepare her well for the sacraments. And of course prepare our family for Christmas 🙂 I wish you a beautiful rest of advent!
Mrs. B. says
You too, Luana – thank you!
Luana says
Thank you. Today my dear cousin, a wonderful dear man, has passed away. He had brain cancer. His wife has already passed away few years earlier, she had heart attack. Their daughter is 16. It is so sad and tragic… He and his daughter had a very close and loving relationship.
Please you dear woman here, pray for him and especially for his daughter. I cannot imagine what she will have to go trough…
I am so grateful for our faith. God help them all and keep them all very close to His Heart.
Thank you for your prayers.
Rebekah W. says
Dear Luana,
Ah, God bless Auntie Leila and all the wonderful ladies in this comment thread!
Please know I will be praying for you–you have a heroic task ahead of you, but I know God will give you the grace to do it. My own parents worked very hard–largely alone, and often with very poor materials available–to pass along the Faith to my siblings and me, and I know God gave us many special graces to get us through that difficult situation.
Also, I’m not sure where you are, but the Order of priests who run my parish are known for giving wonderful, solid Catechism classes (for children and adults!) and hearing Confessions very often. They have numerous apostolates in Europe, and one might be close to you:
http://www.institute-christ-king.org/international/
God bless you and your family!
Luana says
“Ah, God bless Auntie Leila and all the wonderful ladies in this comment thread!”
Yes, may God bless you all abundantly! Would you like to share a bit more about how did your parents pass the faith on you and what were the most important things they did?
It is very encouraging to hear it can be done, even in such conditions.
Thank you for the link, they are nowhere near me.
Natasa says
My children are 6 and 5 and they are used to seeing me go to confession. My parish has it before sunday mass, so we are all together. They have asked me why I go in there and I explained in a way they could understand: that some things that I have done offend God and I need to ask for His forgivness in confession. There were times when my son asked me whether I would go to confession after I lost my temper with him, or somethin like that. And I said yes and went to confession. It is crucial that our children see us do it and see that it is important. If your daughter is used to seeing you go, it will not be unusual for her to go herself when the time comes. I have lived in western Europe and I understand. Don’t rely on the church to instruct your kids the truth. There are good orthodox parishes in all countries, so you need to look for one. I hope this has helped. God bless.
Luana says
Thank you! My children unfortunately never see people go to confession, they see me go from home (to another parish), but they never see how it looks there. Honestly, I think it would be very uncomfortable for my children there, there are only 1-3 grown-up people waiting there in a semi-dark church. But I want them to get familiar with confession and I could certainly do a better job about it when we visit my family.
I have found few churches here with very good priests. I am still looking for a parish with families that go regularly on sundays, I will be so happy when I find it!
Luana says
Please excuse my writing mistakes, I hope you can understand what I wanted to say.
Here I have forgotten few words:
I grew up in a completely different culture and am sometimes afraid that my dream of raising faithful Catholic children is pretty hopeless here. Clearly, this disouraging taughts don’t come from God.
Mrs. B. says
Dear Luana, I would like to encourage you and tell you that you can (and even must) prepare your daughter properly for her First Confession and Communion! I was also prepared for those sacraments by my father, and he also found a good priest friend to prepare my older siblings for Confirmation. We never went to what should have been our parish: suffice it to say the priest there had removed the altar and put a conference table in its place, covered with a white tablecloth: not a good place to learn the faith! So, you see it can be done and it’s been done, so you can do it too!
It is very important that your daughter understands the meaning and importance of the sacraments she’s about to receive: her way of thinking is being formed right now, and she needs help in establishing a good foundation. I hope you will find the courage to counter the pressure of the indifference you experience around you. Don’t think about the compromises others have accepted, and just find a good resource to use with your daughter: explain to her that the formation she’s receiving is incomplete, that there is more to learn. She will get the impression that you really care, that you take the faith seriously, that sacraments and the truths they express are to be taken seriously. She will retain this impression forever, even when older – as you know from your own experience. She may feel awkward now, so help her take the focus off what others are doing – help her understand sacraments are about the life of our own souls, of which we are responsible, no matter whatever else others may think and do. It’s a little suffering we undergo to give God what is due to Him, and God sees our little acts of faithfulness, and rewards them with more and more grace.
Above all, keep praying to receive help and courage; if you think the priest nearby understand your situation, talk to him and ask for his help and advice: a good priest is a treasure! Think that he may feel your same kind of discouragement, seeing so little zeal for the faith: you will give him a welcome occasion to take care of souls, which is what the priesthood is all about!
My father found a booklet and we went through together: it had prayers to learn, and then questions and answers, much like the Baltimore Catechism. I like the question and answer form: I think little bites make it easier for children to think of one thing at the time, and to come up with more questions they may have about a subject: that leads to deeper conversations with them, so the lesson is not limited to the question and answer found in the book.
Beyond this kind of remote preparation, that is, the work of acquiring the knowledge necessary to receive the sacraments, try also to find something practical that will help your daughter when it is time to go to confession: a little guide for children that, by going through the Commandments, helps them identify sins and reminds them how to confess: everyone gets nervous before Confession, and it’s good to have a little aid. If you don’t find a good booklet like that, try an online search, and you may find free resources. Help her understand Confession is a normal, necessary part of our spiritual life – I encourage you to make it a regular family “activity”: I think it’s inspiring for children to see their parents go to Confession (and it’s humbling for parents to show they need to go as well), and again, it tells them these are serious things, they are part of a true understanding of reality. Nothing but immense good can come from taking Sacraments seriously!
Luana says
Mrs. B., I appriciate your comment very much! Oh, ladies, I would need you and your strong support right by my side! Why is the Earth so big?
This new priest is hearing confession soon, I will go there.
“Think that he may feel your same kind of discouragement, seeing so little zeal for the faith: you will give him a welcome occasion to take care of souls, which is what the priesthood is all about!”
Yes, I know! It very very hard to be a good faithful priest here. Much harder, then it is for me. This new priest has even invited parishioners to repetance and a confession from the pulpit! I was shocked, I have never heared something like that here. His sermon was beautiful AND demanding. After the Mass I felt so sad for him. I am afraid he will have very hard time here.
Thank you for sharing your family`s experience full of hope!
Stephanie in Germany says
Luana, depending on where you are in Europe, I would try to find a group of Catholic Scouts: Katholische Pfadfinderschaft Europas or Union Internationale des Guides et Scout d’Europe. There you can find solid teaching of the Faith and great fun and education.
Luana says
Thank you for recommending Catholic Scouts, Stephanie!
I live in Switzerland and at first I was happy to find out that there are some here! But… but, but… it is so typical for what I find here again and again. I was reading through their swiss website and couldn`t find anything particular about faith and God. Only about some rituals, spirituality, being baptized into organisation of Scouts (with a new name) and such. Then I ran across the explanation that when they say spirituality/God, they don`t meand God Father of Jesus, no, nor any particular god, they mean individual spirituallity as young people experience it, all religions, all spiritual paths.. everything is the same, whatever you want it to be.
I get so tired of this “beautiful comforting” vision that Zeus sits on the clouds with all the gods people have ever belived in and they all wait for us in heaven to give us a big hug and a high five when we die………..
Why do they call themselves Catholic Scouts, I don`t understand.
I was also reading through Scouts german website and it is so different! There it really looks like a good place to have your kids.
Luana says
Stefanie, could you please recommend me some good religious books for children in german language? Thank you! I find it hard to find good materials, most I have found is watered down or twisted.
Stephanie in Germany says
I’m just now seeing this, Luana. Please check out the SJM Verlag. They have excellent books for children and adults. I don’t know how old your children are, but I find helpful the Evangelienblaetter for grade school kids. Look through their books… and give them a call. They might be able to put you in touch with a KPE group in Austria or Germany for special occasions . If you want to contact me please feel free in English or auf Deutsch. stephanie.linden (@) web. de http://sjm-verlag.de/shop/
Luana says
Evangelienblaetter look very good, thank you! I will contact you per mail.
Elizabeth says
Luana, I don’t know where in Western Europe you are (I am in Belgium), but please know that there are, in my experience, always priests out there who are willing to hear confession. Perhaps find an abbey in your region and they are more likely willing to do it.
Luana says
Elisabeth, I could, with some researching and searching, always find a priest who would hear confession, but I also had some confusing experiences (priest hearing confession and explainig to me that no human could really seriously sin, what we do wrong is because we don`t really know what we are doing and such, or skipping absolution and changing the form, or telling me something is not a sin, that very clearly is…) and I became very careful.
Some priests offer confession here and there, but sadly they think that it is very strange when someone really comes and want to make sure you learn some of their theology while sitting there. Some of them never have people who come to confession (one said, he had 3 confessions in his 17 years of beeing a priest, and all 3 of these people were foreigners).
I am even more careful when it is about my daughter. I had a good confessor, who moved away now and I hope the new priest in the parish nearby could be a good one for my daughter.
From what I hear the state of the Church is similar in Belgium. You sound like you have found a good place! How beautiful! If you don`t mind, I would like to hear a little bit more about your experience with living and passing on faith in Belgium.
All this confusing things scare me, because this is how I have (slowly and painlessly) let my faith die in college and years after. My christian friends didn`t find it important to go to the church on sundays and one sunday I was too tired and slept in. And then it happened some more. There was no confession, so I didn`t go. Everybody always went to communion, so did I. Prayer became boring. And so on, little by little I was loosing my faith. When priests and other “faithful” people have told me some more confusing things (like there is no hell , no sin, we are all the best we can be, it is ok to do something wrong if you have a good reason for it etc.) faith became even more laughable and modern psychology and strange spiritual paths more appealing. For years I went very very far away from Christian faith.
I was too blind to see what was happening to my soul. I felt so enlightened and milion years ahead of Christianity. Till it hurt really bad and I could see a little bit more where this road goes and how horrible things nice enlightened people can do and still feel nice and enlightened.
I see similar pattern happening to some grown up children of our friends, who had a privilege (like me) of growing up in good christian families. This makes me so sad and afraid.
Alexandra says
This is very good. As an adult who didn’t receive any of this growing up, it’s easy enough to reach the catechism or the commandments and understand what they are saying, but implementing them? That’s the tricky part. I’m thirty-one, and like most of my age, I grew up with “the golden rule” and “just be a good person.” But of course, a good person was never really defined, and the golden rule is a bit insipid when you’re facing adult problems. (Of course, treat people with kindness – but don’t do it because you want others to treat you kindly in turn. Seems a bit self-centered).
It’s rather overwhelming. I converted, but I know plenty of Catholics my age who were also poorly catechized and received the same sorts of messages. Where do you even start? Sometimes the ten commandments seems like a checklist of sins I’m committing, rather than things I should not.
It’s so much easier to learn these things as a child, and to grow up with this as a fundamental part of your character, rather than try to build character in your twenties and thirties. Changing your worldview and decades of behavior is hard – you can’t just will yourself into a different person overnight. Parents are doing their children a disservice if they don’t teach them real morality.
Leila says
Alexandra, you are right — the 10 Commandments are the beginning of wisdom. Later, the child comes to see Jesus’ teaching on the Beatitudes, which open them up from the point of view of the life of grace. Of course, he hears about them all his life, but as he gets older and the moral life becomes more of a question for him, the Beatitudes come to answer questions.
For us too, the life of virtue transcends checking off a list of don’ts. This is why we have to stay close to the Person of Christ — in the Liturgical Year. That seems odd to say until you begin to do it, deeper and deeper every year. You will see.
Mrs. B. says
In my quest for a good guide to the examination of conscience for children, I once came across one based on the Beatitudes. The questions asked to identify sins were so-so, sometimes too vague to be of any help, but I thought the idea was good. I also saw one based on meditating the words of the Our Father, and tying them to the Commandments.
Leila says
Mrs. B, I think that kind of thing is good for children of high school age and for adults. I have tried many times with children of the 6-9 ages and it’s not really fruitful.
They really just need to memorize the commandments.
I think you are responding more to Alexandra’s desire to go a little deeper, but I just wanted to make that clear.
Mrs. B. says
I agree you go nowhere without the 10 Commandments: if God thought they were to be the foundation, who are we to play with that… It was your mentioning the Beatitudes that reminded me of what I had found. Any good, sound way to examine our conscience goes back, one way or another, to the commandments, and it’s obvious, since God does not contradict Himself.
But I forget you are writing these posts with somewhat young children in mind. Feel free to follow up with Part 3 🙂
sibyl says
Alexandra, I hear you. With the way Christianity, and Catholicism in particular, has been portrayed in our culture, it is no surprise that the 10 Commandments seem negative, although of course as Auntie Leila says, they are the guideposts to happiness and peace.
I strongly second Leila’s recommendation that you get a kids’ catechism based on the commandments. Depending on the ages of your kids, I would look at the Faith and Life series of Catholic textbooks — but very untextbook-like. These are beautiful to look at, age appropriate, and based on the commandments and creed. The explanations are SO good as to why something that sounds negative (“Thou shalt not…”) is actually positive.
The other suggestion I have is to get a Catholic Bible story book, one with pictures that YOU like, and read one a day with your kids. This is a really great way simply to learn the story of mankind’s fall and redemption, and you will find yourself drawn to read the more detailed stories in the Bible. This is painless: curl up on the couch and read one with everybody, big and little. You all learn and grow together.
Leila says
Well, I will say — try to stick to the Baltimore Catechism. And be very, very choosy when it comes to books about the faith.
Olivia says
I really enjoyed this post. It helps me start to articulate why I don’t like the “Moral Intelligence” program at my school. This program focuses on a virtue each month (ie. compassion, respect) which I think is good to teach, but it is definitely missing something and I think you’ve shown me what my gut has been saying: the commandments! However, teaching in schools to all sorts of children has it’s own uniqueness. I will be sending my children to Catholic school, but the forming of conscience will be so important at home. I take the “first teacher” idea very seriously.
Leila says
Olivia, I really object to those “moral intelligence”/character/virtue approaches. Inevitably, they end up being “me” centered because they are all about how *I* can be a better person by being nicer to those around me. They are not about truth but about making people feel better so that *I* will feel better.
You will never find (I am pretty confident) that a virtue taught, for instance, would be “it is a sweet and seemly thing to die for your country” (it’s not for nothing that C. S. Lewis uses this ancient Roman virtue to uncover the power-based content of relativism).
The 10 Commandments are GIVENS. They are about what is DUE to others, beginning and rooted in what is due to God. They form the irreducible content of the moral life, and as such, they used to be considered universal. They were inscribed in every courthouse and over every court building door — on them all the law is based. It’s really sad and desperate for our culture that they are no longer known.
Olivia says
You have it exactly: “making people feel better so that I will feel better”. Which results in the endless naming of feelings. I think there is just SO much pressure to have a “program” to prevent bullying. This type makes everyone *feel* better, but, like you, I am unconvinced.
Christine says
Thank you, Auntie Leila! Your words are always so encouraging. Even though I have babies, I know that this kind of moral education is right around the corner, and that my husband and I will have to make this a priority. What you said in the beginning about having beautiful books really resonated with me because I have been struggling to find them for my 18 month-old! In particular, Catholic picture books she can read at Mass are sorely lacking. Many I have found browsing Amazon are too cartoonish, or just plain ugly, even something as simple as a Catholic ABCs! I may have to make them myself! I have also noticed that my little one gravitates toward the beautiful but fragile statues of Our Lady that we have in the house; finding a child-friendly version that’s realistic and not too cartoonish has also been a struggle… Perhaps it’s for the best since now she’s only allowed to give Mary a brief hug and handle her gently and respectfully. If only Catholic book publishers and toy makers read your blog! 🙂
Saiorse says
Look for Shining Light dolls on Amazon or On Etsy – Naturally Catholic has some nice things. Also I have found some nice books for my kids at Catholic Child Catalog. And – honesty at 18 months you are at a challenging Mass age. I made a bag just for Mass for my Toddlers including very quiet toys – think fabric – like a button snake (my absolute favorite because too often they want to interact with you and the book!! The button snake toy kept my kids quiet for the longest time – and made no noise!). Good luck!
Katie says
Christine,
We usually just bring one or two books for our toddler and nothing else. Check out this one, though it’s currently out of stock–https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1932350306/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1481153550&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=fra+angelico+board+book&dpPl=1&dpID=51UAMiyii4L&ref=plSrch
We also had-but it’s currently lost- a small photo album with Saints holy cards in the slots for her to flip through.
My oldest is only 2.5 but that’s what’s working for us so far. She’s really good with books so I let her flip through the hymnals too.
Anamaria says
Oh my. Yes. Beautiful books are so hard to find! We just got Fiona French’s Bethlehem, and it’s lovely. The pictures are stain glass window style and the text is the actual gospel. She has an Easter one, too. The Maite Roche board books from Ignatius Press are decent- we have the Our Father one and the Christmas Star (board books). Stefan Salinas’s Catholic Churches Big and Small has beautiful illustrations. Looking through the books at our bookstore, it seems to me the Missal for Toddlers and My First Catechism (board books) from Ignatius Press, Magnificat imprint, are the best, though they are still more cartoon-y than I’d prefer. Barbara Yoffe’s Saints and Me series (I think from Liguori Press?) are also along these lines- not horribly ugly but not as beautiful as I’d like. The stories are engaging, though- I’d rather her read that than the Olivia books! We do like most of the Tomie dePaola saint (& other!) books, and there is a lovely St. Francis book by Demi.
For Christmas, we ordered a few books by Josephine Nobisso and Dessi Jackson that look lovely, but they haven’t arrived yet, so I can’t totally recommend them.
Our favorite picture book that’s not explicitly religious is They Were Strong and Good by Robert Lawson- my (former librarian) husband found it somehow- it’s really lovely and even portrays a convent. It’s an old award winner (Caldecott?), and I think the ones from the 40’s and 50’s are often good.
We definitely had the hugging Mary/the Good Shepherd issue, especially around 18 months. A kind of kitchy Mary with St. Anne that I have had since I was a kid is just a goner and the Good Shepherd has permanent sdamage. We have a few beautiful icons painted on wood, so I started steering her towards those (in addition to teaching reverence, obviously). I got a shining light doll and she does like it, but she prefers the real statues. Of course- they are so much more beautiful!
Anamaria says
Our very favorite Christmas book so far is What the Shepherd Saw- it’s a picture book based on an Eastern European folk tale. Not sure the publisher and it’s in my daughter’s room! Beautiful illustrations.
There is also an Illustrated Gospel for Children series (Gospel, Acts of the Apostles, Parables, Miracles) from Ignatius Press, Magnificat, that looks good, not cartoon-y, but I’ve never seen in real life.
Finally, for Luane and others preparing their children for First Confession, Kiendra Tierney’s A Little Book About Confession for Children, also from Ignatius, is nice.
(No, I don’t work for Ignatius Press! I do sometimes review books, and I am also always on the search for books for my family, and theirs just seem to be better than others, though the very best ones seem to be gems from publishers I’ve never heard of!)
Leila says
I do not recommend the Ignatius book on confession.
Anamaria says
I would be interested to know why not- it is based on the Ten Commandments. I haven’t used it with any children, obviously, so I know there is a lot I could be missing.
Leila says
It’s too childish and doesn’t take the subject seriously enough. I like much of what this author writes, but in my opinion, this book isn’t what it ought to be — why not just use the Baltimore Catechism?
Leila says
I recommend this one:
http://www.fraternitypublications.com/mycobochprfo.html
Mrs. B. says
My Confession Book is what we gave our children, too. They spend some time in their rooms with it, before we go have confessions heard. Another great resource is Jesus, Make Me Worthy, by Fr. Robert Power: it’s a sort of mini-catechism/Missal (pre-’70s)/prayer book. The examination of conscience is shorter than the one in My Confession Book, but very good, as are the explanation of the sacrament and the prayers before and after.
Leila says
http://www.fraternitypublications.com/mycobochprfo.html
Here is what I would recommend.
Dixie says
Etsy is the place to look for child-friendly saint figurines. Have you seen some of the peg dolls out there? They are great! Some are quite ornate (SaintAnneStudio), and some simpler but less expensive (and still pretty: EmmausRoad), and then there are those great little saint dolls from SaintlySilver — always a really big hit (though not washable).
As for books, I recently ordered a little book I really like for the kids, “Manners in God’s House.” It is a Little Golden Book-style book that comes with two others, too.
Good luck!
Bernadette says
Christine, we like the Neumann Press books for children, especially Manners in God’s House and I Believe. They are actually each a hardbacked set of three smaller stories, which are available individually somewhere, too, as we have a few of them (Mary, and The Mass, I think).
We have a wooden Ostheimer nativity (a generous gift from family, as it is pricy), and we use many of the figurines devotionally throughout the year (during a bout of nightmares, my 4 year old slept with the wooden angel whom he designated St Michael) and they are very beautiful, in a simple way, and sturdy.
Megan says
I am reading a book by the sister of St. Therese of Lisieux. They had a large statue of Mary for which they eventually had to keep extra sets if hands for because they were always kissing her hands so the fingers were frequently broken off. Just so you know you are in good company. 😀
Christine says
Hooray, just added a bunch of books to my Amazon list 🙂 Thanks everyone! To add my own two cents, we have the Golden Book of Saints and George Brundage’s book about Mary, and my little one enjoys them. The pictures are sweet. Also, she enjoys flipping through the missal/hymnal at Mass now that she’s a bit more gentle even though there are no pictures… perhaps it’s because it’s what she sees Mommy and Daddy doing?
Amelia says
I had the same dilemma with finding religious board books I could stand! I did eventually come across Rev. Thomas Donaghy’s “My Golden Children’s Bible” and the handful of other books in his series and they are the best I’ve found for Mass books.
Saiorse says
I teach 2nd grade CCD and have for years. It almost always amazes me that each year I have at least one conversation with a parent explaining the 10 commandments. I break down the 10 Commandments into basic 2nd grade questions. The lie and kill ones are easy to understand for a 7 year old – words like honor and holy seem to be beyond most. Asking the kids if they disobey or talk back to Mom or Dad clears it up. Asking if the go to Mass leads to conversations with Mom or Dad.
Keep holy the Sabbath boggles these modern parent minds. I have had parents request that I not tell the kids that not going to Mass on Sunday is a sin cause ya know they go maybe whilst the kids go to CCD if they go, so the kids don’t. You know they are busy – sports you know. I tell them when there is a will there is a way. We set the example. If we don’t make it priority it will not be.
I know when I told my sons there was no way they could run Cross Country because it conflicted directly with CCD and Mass every Sunday for 10 weeks that they were annoyed with me. Yet, I know we made a major point that they will never forget. We keep the Sabbath – end of discussion. We set the expectations by example. Not saying during lacrosse and spring track season that we don’t play sports on Sunday – but you bet we make it to Mass. We go before or after and at any parish we can make. I know my boys will
have stories to tell about the random places we have attended Mass at odd hours – but they know we go.
One son went on a beach vacation with his friend’s family. This family is of the Christmas/Easter Catholic practice. My son
saw a Catholic Church a few blocks away and much to the parents’ shock asked permission and got himself up and ready and to Mass on Sunday morning. He told his friend’s folks that is what we are supposed to do. The parents said that they didn’t enjoy Mass. My 12 year old responded that it wasn’t about enjoyment it was just the right thing to do. The adults could not comprehend this.
NY Mom says
Bravo to your son. What a great witness.
Re: teaching CCD and encountering ignorance and lukewarmness on the parents’ parts – I’ve realized from my own teaching experience that if we’re going to offer CCD to children, there needs to be a corresponding program for their parents *with the pastor*, on an adult level, that dovetails with the kids’ material. CCD has become a drop-off program for too many families. So many of them don’t really know the Faith, and while catechetical programs have generally improved (they couldn’t have gotten much worse, actually) since the ’70’s and ’80’s, it goes nowhere if it’s not lived out at home.
Saiorse says
We switched parishes because the CCD program was so weak. My sons were more informed than their teachers – which was frightening. Our current parish does a classroom program and a Family Faith component – which I love with topics like the Rosary or Saints, etc. (The Rosary one was incredibly powerful. The kids went and got a children’s class while the parents got to listen to an amazing talk on the Rosary by a professor from a local Catholic college. Then they brought then kids in and the entire group – about 100 families said the Rosary together.). Yet, there is always one parent. I think there was a decade or post Vatican II where people had no clue. Some parishes and families managed better than others and it shows. We recently added (during middle/high school CCD times in the evening) adult formation – somewhat informal and run by a few of our deacons – but a lot of parents do go and I think that is a step in the right direction.
Anamaria says
Thank you for this series. The first post was especially edifying*– it’s so against the grain of our entire culture! No wonder there is so much false compassion about end-of-life issues- if the mentality is to wait until it’s better, and one isn’t going to get better, then…. But the Christianity mentality is different. Suffering is not fruitless, but rather an integral part of the path to new life. Thank you for laying it out so clearly- that mentality is in the air we breathe! As one comment said on that post, our culture is infused with nihilism.
*I didn’t have time to comment initially, and then everything was about DT. I’m still that mom of two who keeps the baby away from screens at all costs and lets the two year old watch something about once a month, so my exposure is very limited- only enough to know the sounds would drive me batty if I heard them with any regularity.
Leila says
Saiorse brings up the issue of teaching religion to students, specifically the tricky fact that you will be discussing “keep holy the Sabbath day” but obviously the children don’t have much power over getting to Mass.
First, a little side note: it’s much better NOT to have CCD/religous ed on Sunday. It’s confusing. It’s clear that it is confusing, because parents really do feel that they have fulfilled some sort of obligation *of worship* by sending their children to class. But of course, worship is different.
I get the whole efficiency argument, but it’s not doing anyone any good. It should stop.
As to the third commandment, I always tell my children in class that I know that they are not in charge of getting to church. We discuss the commandment very thoroughly — if you follow the catechism I recommend, you will cover it completely. But I do say, “you can’t go if your parents aren’t going, I understand that and so does God. But you can help your parents get there. You can talk about this commandment and you can lend a hand by being sure you are awake and dressed, by helping with the baby, by doing your chores, et cetera. And if you are trying but no one takes you, it is not your fault.”
I am blessed because the children I teach are mainly from our homeschooling community with great parents who are extremely conscientious. But even in a more difficult situation, it’s important to plant in the child’s mind that when he does have the ability — say, when he can drive or when he goes to college — he should try to get to church on Sunday for worship!
Anel says
Not Catholic, but – sigh – I can’t even remember when last the 10 commandments were read in church. Good read overall, Leila. I will just have to adapt to our circumstances. I’ll maybe pull out my Heidelberg Catechism out for the older ones. I wonder if my children has ever heard the 10 commandments [Bad Mother prize of the year!]. Might be not PC enough in church any more – let alone school. I will be onto this after a little thought.
Currently struggling a bit to fit everything in. So easy to slide onto the way of least resistance. Our evening family worship has slid into a family prayer right before everyone is put to bed [usually way too late]. More ideal would be to have family worship right after dinner at 7-ish. Then something to read aloud. Maybe Grimm’s fairy tales to start? Mmmm.. Wait. Should I read the fairy tales [I bought a book with all of them together!] before bed..? I have to [nice term I heard once] AFTERSCHOOL, in lieu of homeschool – since I work until 5H30pm. I think Bible and Fairy Tales are good, if you can’t have it all.. Any other thoughts on this would be wonderful..
Leila says
Yes, Bible and fairy tales are very good 🙂
Keep reading enjoyable books, teach the 10 commandments, enjoy your family.
Kristyn says
What advice do you have for parents who don’t agree? I have been drawn back to the Catholic Church for years (I was baptized into it and had my first communion but then my parents switched to a Protestant church and that provided the bulk of my religious formation.) but my husband resolutely will not consider Catholicism. I don’t want to cause division in my marriage and family so I’ve stayed in a sort of religious limbo but I’m afraid our inability to figure it all out has resulted in some lax religious training. We don’t go to church regularly and I feel so overwhelmed by the minutiae of Christianity that I end up avoiding teaching my children. My oldest is seven and asks hard questions. I regret not getting my act together when he was born. How should we set a good example and teach them when we are confused and don’t agree? Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience.
Leila says
Dear Kristyn, you are wise not to want to cause division, and you WON’T cause division, because you have the good of your family at heart.
My advice is exactly what is in this post: get your hands on the two catechisms for adults, and the one for children. Just begin.
You educate yourself and as you learn, you teach your children the basics. Yes, there will be questions, and you need to be ready to answer. The 10 Commandments, of course, are not exclusively for Catholics. Sit down with your child once a week and read part of a chapter of the BC to him, discussing it as you go (just be sure you’ve read the part it pertains to in your catechism first).
As you are doing this, also begin a simple prayer life of your own. Read the Gospels and get to know Our Lord. Ask and you shall receive.
Try to find a trusted priest in whom you can confide and who will guide you.
Email me if you need to. Believe me, I’ve seen miracles happen! Just have simple faith and show that you are willing to follow Him in whatever way He wants you to go — isn’t it interesting how our children lead the way? They have their questions and we want to answer them. It’s so natural and good! Don’t worry.
Sarah says
Thank you for this series Aunt Leila.
It is timely for me and my family.
I thank God for the gift of your blog as a resource for me.
Busy home educating mom of 7
Leila says
Thank you, Sarah!
Laura says
Thank you for bringing up the importance of distinguishing “bad child” and “naughty behavior”. Words parents use are seared into their children’s self-narrative and replay over and over in adulthood. It’s critical that children know that they are made in the image and likeness of God and they are good. They might choose naughty behavior, but that does not make them a bad boy or girl. They can choose differently next time. They can apologize and make amends and feel the lightness of forgiveness. Parents choose your words wisely!
Elizabeth says
My oldest is 5 and autistic. I have a very hard time navigating these issues. I mean, this child can not understand abstract things like God, angels, heaven, prayer, etc. He also can’t understand good versus bad. I have never seen him do something bad, because he is simply not able to do something like that and realize that it’s naughty behavior. He can not tell a lie, for example, because he can’t understand other people.
This is not to say that he is obedient, far from it. He tears wall paper off the walls and trashes every item of beauty I ever owned. But it has nothing to do with ill will and every thing with neuroses and frustrations because the world around him is not ordered in an autistic way. Believe me, I have spanked him much more and much hard than I thought I’d ever be comfortable with, but it’s always completely counterproductive.
At this moment, we don’t do anything ‘religious’ with him, because I haven’t got a clue how. We used to pray with him when he was younger, but he doesn’t accept that anymore and will just scream. He is never part of our family meals, and doesn’t see us pray. We stopped taking him to mass when he was 2, because he couldn’t handle the stimulation. I live like a recluse, so he is somewhat functional. I wonder he’ll every be able to do his first communion.
My question is twofold. How do I give this special needs child religious formation, at his age? And just as importantly, how do I give it to my almost 2 year old daughter? I can’t have an advent candle or a wreath or any kind of decoration because it would be too much stimulation and my son would trash it. My little girl is often astonished at how terribly naughty her older brother is and I can’t explain to her that she can’t do certain things, but that her brother can’t help doing them. Still, obviously she often copies his behavior.
Older mothers with special needs kids, please chime in!
Leila says
Dear Elizabeth, I certainly hope that some of our experienced readers will help you here. I do encourage you to find a trusted advisor. I am praying for you!
God bless!
9PeasMom says
Elizabeth, I understand the dynamic that you share because I too have an autistic child – age 9. There are many wonderful resources available to teach our Faith to Autistic children but the best resource I’ve found is by learning to understand ‘his world’. I’m very willing to communicate if you’d like krschb11@gmail.com
Kathy
Saiorse says
Dear Elizabeth – First off – know you are are amazing Mom and you aren’t alone in this struggle. The fact that you are worrying about it is tremendous. First of all, for your personal sanity, please tell me you have been able to connect with other special needs moms in your community or on line. Sometimes that connection to someone else in the same struggle is so needed. I hope you have been able to get your son into excellent early interventions that might help his world be less overwhelming. Please consult a behavioralist to help you know how best to manage your son’s behaviors. Spanking may not do anything to help him learn right from wrong because he may not even feel it. He processes information differently.
Secondly, faith life when a special needs kid is individual to their needs. I don’t know where you live – but call the diocese and see if their are parishes with special needs faith formation. Hopefully, there will be resources locally. With working with CCD programming with special needs kid – there are resources. Loyola Press in particular has some good ideas for working with children with autism. I also had a student who responded to and calmed with Gregorian Chant played quietly. I encourage you to think outside of the box. Think about what works and doesn’t – is he auditory overwhelmed or visually seeking? Think about how you might get through to him. If TV is calming, play around with religious video cartoons – the Brother Francis videos while a little hokey have good stuff in there. He may retain it that way. Heck, even Veggie Tales have good themes.
It is a matter of thinking of how to make it work. As his Mom – you know him best. Think about what triggers his meltdowns – instead of avoiding completely – try something different. I know of a child who responded better to small Masses in quiet chapels with no music. The local Catholic college religious community was willing to allow the family to attend Mass with them. Another family found a parish with a great cry room (quieter space a touch darker) and geared their son up with noise reducing headphones. As to helping your daughter’s faith grow – as she grows – introduce it to her in quiet ways – little crafts or an advent wreath with faux candles kept in her room. And, she is 2 – she loves her big brother and will copy him. Just keep encouraging her to choose the right thing, it will come. This is also about the ability to
Not only understand the rules – but also the ability to control responses. She will develop this ability. Your son may have different abilities. I know my non special needs kids have grown to be very empathetic wonderful people.
Above all, don’t give up hope – it is a hugely lonely and difficult road to have a special needs child. Please take time for you and get out with other people – especially other parents in the same boat. It is hard to socialize with your special needs child around – it isn’t like you can leave him unattended in the other room. Don’t be afraid to get a sitter (think special Ed student or relative) for Mass time or to socialize. You need that to feed your soul. I know that the one Christmas my husband told me to take the other kids and he would stay home with our special needs child from our huge overwhelming family gathering was so hard – but I needed it. I hadn’t missed a family event in that I showed up, but then isolated myself in the room my son was in because I had to. I had not conversed with my relations in 6 years. Sending prayers you find what you need for you and your family.
Sooz says
Yes, to all of this. We have a 14 yo on the autism spectrum, so this is our life, too. I would like to also encourage you to avail yourself of a behavioralist/occupational therapist. Some of his behaviors can be changed to help him to be a little more content. The key is, as the lady said above, micro-baby-steps. You are in this for the long haul and you will see progress.
I have also found other, like-minded (Catholic!) families who come out of the woodwork to engage with our daughter. Just as in other ways in our faith-life, I find that some moms want to have their children spend time with our daughter, as a way of ‘living’ with a special-needs child. All in the greatest of charity, of course.
As far as your younger child goes, I have a younger one, too. I tell him that God has given him a special blessing in that he has a chance to help take care of the ‘baby’ in a way that other ‘babies of the family’ never get to.
Be encouraged! I joke with all of my children about the ‘teflon skin’ that they have developed by being in public with their sister. Autistic behavior can look crazy to others, especially if the child looks typically-developed. All of my kids really don’t care what others think about this; in fact, we sort of treat it like an inside joke!
Please know that God has given you a big task in raising this child, but He is also there to help you. He loves you so much, especially for caring about this child as you do.
Katie says
Oh, Auntie Leila, you read my mind! Our son Henry just turned 3, and I’ve been thinking a lot on how to explain our faith to him (and our daughter, but she’s just 17m). We try and live how the Bible tells us too, hoping to set good examples, but recently Henry has discovered the word “why?” and likes to use it often. I wasn’t raised in a Christian household, so I have no experience whatsoever to draw upon when trying to answer some of his questions in a biblical manner. But, duh! Teaching him the 10 Commandments! Now I feel a bit silly that I didn’t have that thought myself. Sometimes there is much beauty and wisdom in simplicity. Thank you so much for telling us the obvious things that sometimes we just don’t see 🙂
Leila says
Dear Katie, you are right that things are very simple! But a little further word from me on this — you will note that in my post I speak of “the age of reason” — and that’s for a, well, reason.
Not until the age of around seven (and again, it does vary from child to child but basically, this is the age, and you will notice a big difference when it comes in awareness) does the child begin to be able to assimilate the Law in the way I’m speaking of here.
Until then, he is just needing you to guide him little by little as to what is naughty and what is good. Do read my other posts (you will find them mostly under “discipline”) about toddlers…
For now, just tell him stories, read Bible stories with him (now is when he starts to know the figures in the BIble very well, including Moses of course, so that when the day comes to find out what was on those tablets, he will be familiar with him), answer his “whys” — and sometimes just tell him “because because because” — not all the whys can be answered when you’re three!
Your goal now is to have him trust you and obey you. This takes time — those first six years, in fact.
Soon enough he can be learning the commandments, but probably not just now. We will talk more about this.
Be peaceful! You are doing very well.
Katie says
I am hoping to Order the book on confession that you recommends Auntie Leila, but I do have this book and I’d like to know if you have seen it and/or would recommend it? Thank you!
https://www.amazon.ca/Little-Book-about-Confession-Children/dp/1586179306
Leila says
Katie, I do not recommend that book. I did see it (I was sent a review copy). I would stick to the Baltimore Catechism, supplemented by the little book I recommended. When you see it, you will see that it’s brief and relies on YOU to explain things to your child. No book can replace the loving guidance of the parents (and St. Pius X specifically recommends that the father take special care with this aspect of the child’s education).
I prefer more austere and mature illustrations and a more serious approach to matters of conscience. Even a young child can have a heavy conscience! We can’t dismiss that. But we also have to be sensitive and not burden the child. The Holy Spirit gives parents a particular grace for this task! The error is to sort of trivialize things in a general way…
Kelsey says
Can you recommend a particular children’s Bible?