Want to be a little less exasperated with your gaggle of small children?
Two little rules that might help, given in the spirit of Do What You Want, But Notice That Feeling of Sinking Under It All — and Do Something About It.
I know that you don't ever want to squash your darlings' creativity, sense of control over their own lives, and general expressiveness. (Or you might not have thought about it, and simply received this child-rearing philosophy without examining it.)
And I myself endorse all sorts of methods of child-rearing that encourage independence and a can-do attitude.
But.
If you want a tiny bit more sanity, and think that you yourself might benefit from not in fact spending your every day mopping up apple juice, finding out you have no blueberries for that cake, wondering what the goo is on the condiment shelf, extricating your kids from their eleventieth game of Angry Birds, wondering why they don't read, and generally feeling like a martyr —
I suggest —
Two little rules that proved invaluable for my Life With Many Children.
1. The refrigerator must not be opened without your permission.
2. No electronic device may be turned on without your permission. (This rule used to read: No turning on the TV without permission, but I recognize that things have gotten way, way more complicated, with months-old infants more tech-savvy than many adults. Make the rule as universal as possible.)
Who do these rules apply to?
As a default, until proven otherwise, anyone under the age of sixteen.
No, but seriously, it is MADNESS to have your five young children given free-range over the foodstuffs.
No wonder you are a crazy woman.
Some day (hopefully soon), when everyone has internalized the reality of the Forbidden Zone that is the fridge, you will find yourself with a helpful child who actually can pour liquids without spilling them.
You may have several. Spoiler: They will all end up quite competent!
It's not necessary, contrary to what you may think, to spill liquids every single day, sometimes multiple times a day, to get to the competent stage. (They are welcome to do most of their spilling at the sand table, in the pool, and with the bean game.)
Things spill. That we know. You will handle spills with way less exasperation if they aren't built into your day because the children are viewing the fridge as their own personal playground.
Likewise those things with buttons.
It is simply much, much, easier, though perhaps painful at the time, to put in the week that it will take you to undo a bad habit, or the day to instill a new good one, than to spend all day, every day, yelling “Turn that [computer, phone, iPad, TV, what have you] off! Read something!”
Here's how it works. How it worked for me: someone who would probably be okay with you doing whatever you like as long as I can finish the chapter of the book I'm reading.
The toddler turns the thing on, no doubt because you failed to park it or its remote in the designated, inaccessible place, so also think about that.
You gasp and say, “Oh, no, Mommy has to say if you may do this. Say ‘Please may I turn it on?'”
Then… “No, not now. Mommy will tell you when.”
If something goes on without your permission, you instantly pounce and administer the punishment (whatever is warranted to the degree of intent, foreknowledge, disobedience, and outright defiance). It may be that you simply put it on a shelf they can't reach. It may be that they get a spank. Depends. Use your God-given smarts and authority.
Be consistent. Make sure that everyone knows that these things don't just go on for no reason.
After, as I say, a week (if this is already a problem), you will experience the peaceable fruit of justice.
They will have tested your resolve — you will have stood firm.
They will have explored your weakness, your tiredness, your laziness, your lack of willingness to set the nursing baby down for a second, and your softness.
Do not give in. It's worth taking the baby off the breast for the time it takes to deal. This part will only last a day or two, and then you will never have to deal again. Baby will nurse blissfully forever after.
At that point, the turning on of an entertainment device becomes an act, rather than something against which you react. See?
This is how you teach self control to little ones. First you impose it with great firmness and determination due to your conviction that the greater common good will be served, then you all enjoy the fruits, and then you find that it's their habit too — one that they teach to the younger children!
You only have to do it once!
All this applies to the food issue as well. Where the electronic issue results in mental fallout, the food issue results in material fallout, and just having a tidier kitchen and cleaner furniture is going to be heaven. In addition, you will find that the children are hungrier at mealtimes and designated snack times, which is just healthier for them.
But Auntie Leila, can they never do those things for themselves?
Of course they can! They will ask you!
“Mom?” your five-year-old politely requests. “Can we have some of those yummy snacks on the plate in the fridge?” (Because she saw you put them there and indeed probably helped you make them.)
“Yes, my precious darling child, in a few minutes you can get them out for your sister and brother. Put them on the table for us when it's time.”
“Mom, can we eat that chicken for lunch?”
“No, my delightful offspring, I'm saving that for our Caesar chicken salad tonight. We'll have that tuna instead.”
You will progress to actually requesting that they open the fridge! “Young one, fetch us the watermelon. We'll have it on the porch.”
See?
Civilized.
You may even find yourself progressing from jam-all-over-the-vegetable-drawers to shelves-with-designated-foodstuff-categories. Ones that bring joy to all who behold them. (I kid, but you know when the fridge is organized vs. rummaged-in and grubby? It's actually quite nice.)
You will notice your children reading, working on their schoolwork, and making up their own sweet games (often, sadly, Angry-Bird-style games, but at least using actual three-dimensional objects that they hold in their hands).
Things will run smoother.
Maybe these rules are not for you. Maybe you enjoy the chaos, and that's fine, as long as you have intended the consequences, which can last for years, and mainly involve your sanity.
@_etteloc says
Dear Auntie Leila,
How do we go about convincing you to write a book? I, for one, am just a little be worried the blog won't be around by the time I have my brood of delightful, grubby children, and your suggestions are things the women in my family enforced but have a hard time putting into words when asked how they did it.
Fondly,
Colette
Natalie says
Here, here!!!:)
Amy says
Yes, please write a book Auntie Leila! Your advice is so practical and sensible.
Amanda says
Love it, good solid advice as always 🙂 We just naturally have always kept this rule. It starts with the baby, the remote is NOT for children in our house. So when the baby grabs for the remote we say “oh no, not for you” and hand her a toy instead. Easy, simple, and truly we've never had to have a big thing about either rule because it's always been in place. I may be lacking in sanity but it's not from the refrigerator or tv, lol!
Melissa Diskin says
Our rule was no remotes, no phones, EVER. It does get easy if you think of it as: “Would I let this child dangle $400 out the window for fun?”
Rachel C. says
I've been weighed down under this very topic this morning! Now, Auntie, how do you get three-year-olds to quit whining? For hours on end?
_Leila says
The very first step to correct whining in such a young child is to get him more sleep. Whining is a symptom. The cause is LACK OF SLEEP. Next, more food at regular times. Sit him down and feed him before everyone else.
Once you have addressed those two things, the next step is to stop rewarding it. Yes, you are too patient! A child needs instant feedback for bad behavior. I told my children “I'd rather hear you cry than whine!” And I meant it.
But first — longer nap, earlier bedtime — and more calories.
Mama Rachael says
We actually purchased a fridge lock, and its working very nicely. Little Man, if its unlocked, will declare, “Lock Fridge!” and attempt to latch it. We got this: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B007A2ZSZ8/ref=o…
It started when we started potty training. The treat was a chocolate chip… stored in the fridge. (too hot to not put in the fridge right now). Discovered Little Man was trying to sneak treats. It feels a bit like a cope-out, but I think its worth my sanity.
nancy in ak says
I second the comment that you should write a book. You really are a wonderful writer. you will have to come up with a clever title. Plus, hasn't your husband written books? Thus, you may have contacts in the publishing world. These two rules work for me too. I would add – I don't let my children get a snack (i.e., open all the cupboards rummaging for stuff) OR open the refrigerator without asking first.
Kim F. says
Thank you! This makes me feel better about the fact that my 10 year old son still doesn't know how to work the DVD remote control. And honestly, I thought everybody made their kids ask permission for food and to use electronic devices. It never occurred to me that people give their children free range like that. Keep the great advice coming, Auntie Leila. And I agree with Colette, you need to write a book. Maybe you should contact Sophia Institute Press?
Rebecca says
I really enjoyed the quoted scenarios…they made me laugh out loud. Or, LOL, apparently. Delightful offspring- I am totally going to use that from now on. 🙂
PS. I never do understand why people complain about their children being plugged in too much because, after all, they are YOUR children! And you ARE the grown up!
Jen M. says
Fabulous! We, also, have these rules in place. In fact, TV is really only allowed in the afternoon on a rainy day or when the boys are otherwise unable to be outside. Even then, I don't allow it every time they can't be out. They are allowed to watch it maybe 2x/week. Today is an exception since the 3 yo had to have 6 teeth filled under conscious sedation – and it's rainy. So, he's spent a portion of the day on the couch watching a movie.
Same goes with food. We have regular meal times and regular snack times. They have roughly the same snacks every day. No one takes food without first asking me. And, the one time someone randomly opened the fridge without asking me resulted in Mama Bear! Besides, the fruit on which they snack isn't stored in the fridge.
I agree with the others about the book. Perhaps it could be _The_Greatest_of_Auntie_Leila_ with your best blog posts, including the how to practical posts about meal planning, laundry, shopping, etc.
Elizabeth says
My energetic 2 year old boy always wants to do exactly that what he isn't allowed to do. This goes from, pushing buttons (washer, dryer, computer, etc), playing with grown up things (anything sharp or breakable), opening cabinets and drawers, climbing furniture, etc etc. It seems like he's much more into that than other kids I know.
He finds my grabbing his arm tightly, firm voice, strict face and consistent NO, just a very exciting game. In fact, he exclaims, no! no! when he's up to something naughty. The only thing that helps is distracting him, but it feels like cheating. Off course I take him outside to get his energy out and that helps a lot. But sometimes I just need to do housework without having to chase him constantly. I toddlerproofed my home but I can't live in a cave.
Dixie says
I have a two-year-old, too (although she's my only child right now, so take everything I say with a grain of salt)! It sounds to me like maybe your curious little fellow needs a different response than the verbal, “no,” if saying that consistently is not doing it. A logical consequence could work sometimes: “you may not play in this room if you can't listen to Mama [Mama closes door]” Or a time-out? Our time-outs are very short at this age (sometimes not even a minute), and in the crib or room (toddler-proofed). Just something to interrupt the action. That might help him learn obedience to “no.” Good luck!
Mama Rachael says
Yes, this is my 2 year old also! He will also declare “funny!” in just such a time. We give the instruction once, and if he violates it from that point (for the next hour or so, we recognize his memory isn't that great), that's disobedience and the appropriate consequence is applied. I aim to not raise my voice, not change the tone of my voice, nor use any physical intervention (Unless its something dangerous, like a knife or hot pan), he is expected to listen to my words. We are still working on it, and its still very hit and miss. But on days that I start out prompt and consistent get better. If I start the day non-committal and laid back about it, the day just gets worse. He knows. He understands. As my father says “if you think they might understand, they do.”
Jessica says
My oldest, who's 9 now (wow!), used to do the same kind if thing as your son, saying no when he knew he shouldn't do something. In hind-sight, which is so much clearer than my right-in-front-of-me sight, I recognize that was his way of processing and acknowledging that what he was doing was wrong. I would confirm it for him, “Yes, that's a no-no!” and then redirect. I tended to see his speaking the word “no” as confirmation that he was knowingly disobeying, rather than realizing, processing, and learning. My youngest is 9 months old, and we're getting to that stage all over again! I'm hoping for more insight this time around!
_Leila says
Elizabeth, twos will learn. They need more activity, more responsibility, and more reality feedback. Energetic boys need spanks when appropriate IF mom and dad are doing their best to keep them active — read my worksheet on spanking — it's on the sidebar —>
They also need a little down time every day — a ride in the stroller even for 20 minutes. Then a run in a field. A dog might help 🙂
Keep at it and don't worry, in a year if you are diligent all this will be channeled. Just remember to give him more responsibility, not less. I agree with Jessica below, that a 2 can't process your directives as quickly as you like and in the way that you like. They have to repeat back to you and often correction makes them more excited.
So WAIT. Say no or spank and then WAIT — let a few beats at least go by. Don't expect affirmation — try to understand what he is trying to say to you through his body language. Don't get into a lot of WORDS. After a spank and a wait, give him a hug and a cuddle. Teach him gentle ways of expressing himself.
Again, don't worry. This too shall pass! You are a good mom!
Jenny says
We basically have these rules at my house. The only piece that has fallen through the cracks is the leapster. They will turn that little thing on all the time. It may need to have a moratorium and then be reintroduced with the new ask-first rule.
The hiccup with the food rule is my three year old son. He does not seem to think the food is off-limits to him. He will go into the pantry and grab some something-or-nother and hide to eat it. Now his hiding places are generally in full view like under the kitchen table, but still he is trying to get away with it.
My question with the ask-me-first rules is how do you get them to stop the whining and begging when you say no. “They” say if you don't give in, it will stop. That is sorta true. We don't give in and they do stop whining eventually and find something else to do, but the next time we say no, the whining starts all over again. How do you get them to not whine at all in the first place.
I will say my weak spot is making the children obey when I'm nursing the baby. I tend to be too reluctant or lazy to put the baby down and listen to her scream while I go mete out justice. If I do get up, I am usually entirely too angry about having to do it. So generally I feel quite incompetent as I shout out orders to children who are ignoring me while the baby eats.
Anastasia says
That is my weak spot too. It is getting better as the baby gets a little older. I try to use the animal training technique of only telling them something when I can enforce it. Eg. if you're trying to train a horse to go through a gate, make sure that is the only way to go. Then, when it goes through the gate, it understands that it obeys you. So, with the 4 and 2 year old, if they are doing something they shouldn't be, and I am unwilling to unlatch the baby, I don't say anything. I do stop them from doing it and discipline when I can. My theory is that they are not “getting away with it” this way, (still doing it while I'm yelling no from the other room) it loses it's naughtiness. Of course, if it's something really bad or dangerous, then I put the baby down. It still seems to work, but is probably a bit slower in the training than if I put the baby down every time, as Auntie Leila so wisely suggests, for a good week.
Virginia says
Thanks! I feel so fortunate to be reading this advice now before my kids get to the stage where they're opening fridges, etc… My husband and I have had to become a lot more conscious about how we use our smartphones around our 1 1/2 year old daughter. If she sees us on them all the time of course she'll want to do it too! She can't do anything yet except pretend to have a conversation but it won't be long before she can. You don't realize how ugly it is for people to be plugged into their electronics all the time until you see children doing it!
Robin says
Yes. And this is about courtesy. As I was reading this aloud to my 17 yo boy, it occurred to me that he had just asked politely for -some type of food-. Not because he didn't have access to it (he does) but as a matter of courtesy that he can't just take whatever he wants from the fridge (because, hey, it actually might be for tonight's caesar salad). This is the next logical step of progression.
_Leila says
Yes, Robin, exactly! Courtesy! The balm of life together… as opposed to everyone grabbing and grubbing and in general making things unpleasant…
Anne Marie says
Thank you! for permission to put the fridge off limits and making me realize that i'm NOT actually crazy when it makes me crazy to see a grubby fridge.
Mrs. Pickles says
Yes. To all of this.
I just wanted to share the Angry-Birds-style game my own brood made up: my 8yo daughter stacked up a bunch of those cardboard bricks into tower shapes, then my 5yo and 3yo sons took turns leaping off a kid chair to knock them down, while they all sang the theme song (doodle-oo-do, doodle-oo-do, doodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oo…). Hi-LAR-ious to watch.
Mary Eileen says
Great advice as always. Re whining, no expert here but I've gotten a bit draconian with my 3yr old to some good effect. For example, we left a full cart of groceries in the store and went home (which he recognized as a shameful tragedy) when he would not quit whining to buy a balloon. Or, I would go so far as to throw away (if food or some such item) or totally disable for days something being asked for. Like throwing a granola bar in the trash can, outside, if he won't quit asking to have it when it's not snack time. It is a waste of food, but not discipline. Take away the dinner plate if the contents aren't pleasing. If necessary, in the trash. His whining was horrendous and a serious reaction has been working I think. That's after, of course, politely insisting that he use a) use a different voice to start and b) stop immediately if I say no. Also, attempting to mete out justice with firm compassion and not anger 🙂
Mary Eileen says
Also, is there any more info to be had about the pretty floral blanket on your sofa (next to the pretty pillow)? I bought a big swath of something JUST like it on mega clearance but don't know yet what to do with it. Did you make it?
_Leila says
Mary Eileen, I got that one at Marshall's — couldn't resist it 🙂 It's gingham on the other side and well quilted, matelesse style.
Mom of older kids says
Leila, and fellow readers, can you comment on implementing these standards with older kids?
I did a good job when we had our first “batch” of five closely spaced children.
Life has become more chaotic as they have grown into teens and college aged young adults. We still have two younger ones whom I home school, everyone has different school and work schedules, and it is really difficult to find a reasonable compromise about electronics and meals.
Has anyone else had this difficulty?
You might argue that it is a mere problem of will power on my fault, but I truly believe it is now more than that. When they were all young and we were home schooling, I did not have to go out so much (driving to sports practice, etc.). My own life was less fragmented. I will be grateful for concrete suggestions anyone has.
Thank you!
_Leila says
Mom of older kids — it's important to make the older kids realize that the younger ones need their chance at an orderly family life. If they are coming and going, that's fine, but it has to be done with respect and courtesy, and they must not expect that you will tailor things to them. The younger ones need you. In some ways, you have to cut those older ones loose, at least in your mind. Let go.
So family dinner is with the younger ones. The older ones had their chance. Electronics — they have to live by your rules. Explaining the importance of it all is formative for them! Don't hesitate.
Discuss it with your husband and reassess. Get him to change his mindset too and focus on the younger ones. Commit to this together.
Robin says
Yes to these rules and SET A TIMER on the electronic devices! Then mom doesn't have to be the bad guy making them quit-or get busy with something else and realize they're still on there two hours later! Twenty minutes is a regular “turn” at our house, and extra time is often given as a reward for good work on something else, or time taken away for bad behavior.
armyofseven says
Very, very good post! I had no idea there were people who let their kids rummage in the fridge at will. 🙂 As for electronic things, we actually incorporated their use into the children's chore reward system. I give them “credits” for above and beyond service, and “demerits” for not doing their chores well or at all. I may also give either for character issues. Each is worth a quarter, plus or minus, in their weekly allowance. Unfortunately, there came a point when some of my children realized that a quarter was not very much, and it became unmotivating. So I added rewards! For two credits, the older children can stay up for teen movie night, or “buy” an hour of computer time (limit two per week), and the younger ones can get an afternoon movie pick or a bubble bath. Keeps the unusual chores done around the house!
Veronica says
SAGE advice, indeed. I just love how obvious your advice it Auntie Leila. It makes me feel smart when I have it down, and like I can do it when I don't.
stephaniesgates says
Yes! These are already standing rules in our house. Though I have to admit I've encouraged the older two – ages 5 and 6 – to pour their own drinks (after asking permission), and we still have more spills than I would like as a result. But spilling is the sacrifice I have made to no longer be the only drink pour-er for four children under 6 yrs old.
Another thing these rules produce – electronics are not sacred in my house. We have no video games or gaming systems, and won't. But we do have electronics, and they are only allowed at certain times of day (when the younger two are napping) and only if it fits into my schedule. If it does not, not today, and that's not a big deal. If a certain learning game on the ipad is causing a child to throw a fit, that game is deleted. Arguing with your brother over a tv show? Go play legos. TV time is over. By establishing that adults control electronics early on, we've had fewer issues regulating them as they've gotten older.
Tracy says
Love it! These 2 rules have been a staple in our home for the 10 years we've been at the child-rearing game and they have both prove effective and now we are bearing much fruit from our hard work in the early years. Love you, love your blog!!
Lindsey says
True true true! I would also add: (1) they are not allowed to open drawers or cabinets (until they hit an age when they need things in that drawer), and (2) they are not allowed in the bathroom without permission (until they are potty training). Why would a baby ever need to crawl in the bathroom? Just to play in the toilet?
Lisa says
Oh, how I love you.
Jamie says
Amen. Amen. and Amen.
Lucy says
Why would you advocate hitting a child for switching on a TV? (Or for anything, really?) My children are not allowed to use electronics without permission but we've managed fine with no hitting needed. Saying “no” and removing the camera/phone/laptop from them is a consequence in and of itself.
_Leila says
Lucy, I advocate spanking when necessary. If you really want to know what my clear definition of “when necessary” is (as opposed to asserting that simply saying no works, with all the evidence to the contrary just in these comments alone, leave aside the world at large with its hordes of undisciplined children), read this: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jg3jlsguDdDLA…
If just saying no — with no punishments or consequences — works for you — and by “works” I mean results in self-controlled, cheerful, obedient, and pleasant older children/adults, then, as I say in my worksheet, bravo. (I'm not sure where you locate the authority even to say no to your children if you can't imagine having the authority to use any form of discipline, but most parents today don't care about being consistent or even having well behaved children — they just don't want to be seen as unkind, which is a form of human respect.)
If by chance your children would in fact be eaten by a bear http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org//2010/09/s…
or otherwise need to be cajoled into doing *anything at all* — and I suggest you ask your friends how it's going, rather than relying on your own judgement — you might be advised not to reject a time-tested method of discipline.
If it was good enough for the Bible and for Ma, it's good enough for me.
Julie says
Oh,
And I loved this post! As always I find myself saying”Yes, yes, just that! Exactly what I needed.” Yes you should write a book. Your tone is just right.
God Bless You (as He obviously already has)
Julie
Julie says
I would also add that maybe when our kid's requests for electronics seem a little out of control, it may be because, our own electronic addiction is taking hold. My children usually only ask for my ipad when I am using my ipad instead of momming them. The problem then stems from me and not from my children.
Maria says
We have had these rules for years. In addition, food is only allowed in the kitchen, dining room, and occasionally outside. I am baffled every time I run into a family that does not follow some version of them. Even with one child, it would make life easier.
Anitra says
Leila, I had no idea that some people let their toddlers/preschoolers have free reign of the fridge! (Although I have seen it with electronics, unfortunately).
Our children are not allowed into the kitchen at all without permission (in theory – we've gotten a bit more lax recently). At first, this was for safety as well as my sanity's sake – our kitchen is a “galley” kitchen, basically a short hallway with appliances on one side and cabinets/counter on the other. Anything more than one adult in there gets very tricky – you can't even open the oven unless you are standing almost outside of the kitchen. The fridge is on the far side, and inaccessible if there's anyone else in the kitchen anyway. So… our oldest (nearly 5) has only recently started being allowed to go open the fridge – usually to put away an unfinished drink.
We also do as you suggest with electronics. Both of my kids know how to turn on the TV or the iPad or mommy's iPod – but they ALWAYS ask an adult. I'm getting better about setting a timer for any non-TV electronics time, since it is SO easy to lose track of time, which makes mommy the bad guy as I repeatedly say “Finish up… finish up… No, you are done. Shut it off.”
There are a few other things they ask permission for, as well – toys and games that are stored in hard-to-access places (on purpose). These change over time – some toys that were “ask permission” last year (train set, safety scissors) are now freely available. Other things will stay on a permisson-only basis for a long time (I'm looking at you, Play-Doh).
Whining and bad attitudes when mom or dad says “no” has been a bigger problem lately. We've tried many ways of REACTING (yes, I know, Auntie Leila) – the most effective has been to tell the child to
1) Ask nicely. Asking (in a normal voice, with a “please”), not whining or simply stating the problem, gets better results.
2) Fix your attitude. (When mom or dad says “no” or “not right now”). You can't change the situation, (in fact if you whine, it will likely get worse), but you can change yourself.
3) If you CANNOT fix your attitude and stop whining, there is discipline. Sometimes a spanking, sometimes removal of the thing that was asked for.
Remembering these things helps me to get less angry at my kids. Because usually when they're whining, they are tired and/or hungry (but not always), and the continued whining makes it harder for me to fix food or get children to rest. So, if I remember to deal with the whining right away, things actually get fixed SOONER.
akahappyhomemaker says
I love this! I also have those two rules and it makes the house run smoother.
Catie H says
These are fantastic rules! When my oldest was a toddler she had free reign of the kitchen. Thankfully by the time my 2nd was a toddler I had gained wisdom in that area. Now I’m expecting my 8th and imagining how much MESSIER all these years could have been… can you even imagine?? We probably would have had a lot fewer kids.