I had a busy day Saturday with running from one thing to another, including an absolutely essential, non-negotiable trip to my favorite quilt shop, which was having a one-day sale (more on that tomorrow, I hope).
Heat and those sharp white clouds thrown into relief against a crystalline blue sky — that can't mean anything other than thunder at some point — gave way to a beautiful double rainbow. And all the while, Rosie had been making dinner!
Long, long ago, before the you-know-whats, we, you and I, were talking about eating dinner together. If I had only three things I could tell you about keeping your family together, I would say make Sunday a day of rest, eat dinner together, and, well, a third thing that I can't go into right now.
These are the posts, in case you forgot:
1. Destruction-proofing your family.
3. Three things you need to survive dinner.
4. Seven strategies for dinner with the barbarians.
And then dear Jill, who is more my age and has an even more numerous family (although not quite as old as mine because I started rather early), asked what to do when everyone is coming and going — when the children are quite a bit older and have their own ideas about things, not to mention activities and commitments elsewhere. What do you do when some of your kids don't live with you now and come home for a bit? What about when they dash out again to visit friends?
So my “quieting down” in the post title refers in part to how things feel at this moment — it's really quiet now! — and my rainbow/day-off-cooking evening.
But it's also about when life quiets down, which, of course, it never does. There aren't children hollering at the table (until the grandchildren arrive and may or may not be hollerers — Pippo! *ahem*). That's true. But, open yourself to a larger family and chances are, if biology cooperates, you will feel like you live inside a giant pinball machine most days. Quiet turns out not to be that quiet!
There are the years of baseball and dance-outs and shows and places you have to get to. Meetings. Your children's friends eat over; your kids head out to eat supper with others. Eventually kids grab the keys and head out; before you know it they are gone for months at a time at school and then, just… gone!
For so long you worked hard at the family dinner, and now you have to ask, “What is my family dinner supposed to be like?” I'm not in control!
Roots and wings.
Did you ever hear that? Your children need roots. Your children need wings. I have a mental image of the sweet lady who told me this when I asked her how it was that she had wonderful children who married, had children of their own, but still lived nearby and loved coming home. “You have to give them roots [here she delicately gestured with both hands to the ground] and wings [gesturing delicately towards the sky]. Roots and wings [quick repeated gestures]!” So cute.
What is the root? Your marriage. So dinner together (once the babies are old enough to be up) means that you and your husband sit down to dinner together, as many days as you can manage, and at least on Sundays.
Believe me, as Rosie's mother, I understand when circumstances intervene, as in the case of a husband deployed to Afghanistan for 8 months! That would constitute a good excuse. Is that the case for you? Because if the case for you is something else, like “I didn't have time to prepare dinner today — we grabbed what we could” (and this happens, but is it the norm?) or “We have meetings every night” or “We watch the news” or, well, you know…
Then it's time to figure out how you can show your devotion to your marriage, to your husband, by preparing dinner for him. (I really don't care who prepares what, my point is that you eat together.)
That's the root and source of grace and love for your family. Your marriage, your relationship with your husband.
Dinner together with your family, at the core, means dinner at which Mama and Papa sit down together to share bread and conversation, not letting anything disturb them, not letting their peace be disrupted. {You know, I mean in light of the New Testament, in a sort of macro sense with lots of room for ordinary, human error. Don't get frustrated by imperfection!}
Then, your younger children need to feel that things, insofar as they radiate outwards from this marriage bond, involve them and take their real needs into account. When your family is young, it's good to sometimes shower benign neglect on the toddlers, showing them that they have to fit into the family. But when the last toddlers are finally older, it's not good if life revolves around those who, after all, are getting to be (or already are) adults.
If your “baby” is 7, or 9, or 15, then focus on him. Worry about where he is going, who he is with. Eagerly look forward to talking with him. Let the 22-year-olds fend for themselves for a bit.
The “wings” are the willingness on your part to let them go, with a diligent, loving freedom. Don't be afraid, and don't fret when it comes to how you feel about it all.
It's normal, judging by me, for you to never want anyone to go anywhere. You just have to know when to voice that and when to refrain, and it takes a long time to figure that out, so also be patient with yourself.
Be flexible and don't worry.
New drivers, for instance, need that reminder to “be home by dinnertime” — it says so much to them about responsibility, about what matters, about the limits of liberty. In fact, your simultaneous concern and confidence give them just what they need, these young people who are making their way in the interesting, dangerous, wide world.
Even more than physical activity, mental activity can make you wonder if you are doing things right. When the kids are young, you and your husband control the discussions, at least in theory (those long plot recountings and imaginary conflicts with inanimate characters notwithstanding). As everyone matures, suddenly it's the conversation that makes you feel like you've failed, or are seriously going to be reported to the family police.
Spouses who have a long habit of unity — which is refined at the dinner table –and of making their relationship the foundation of family life, talking to each other, can face this challenge with equanimity.
Be strong in the knowledge that when you listen and reply calmly and/or with a sense of humor, when you accept that they will come and go, you don't relinquish anything. Be comforted in the fact that if the way I've done things is any indication, there is lots of room for making mistakes!
Keep those home fires burning and let the children have their wings.
You can find the recipes for the delightful dishes here on Rosie's Pinterest board — fried dumplings, which truly were better and prettier here than they look in the photo she pinned, and to which she added mushrooms. And Chinese chicken salad minus the chicken (and plus some leftover corn), and in two versions, as some of us can't take the spicy heat. With cilantro on the side for cilantro haters. And grilled salmon.
The salmon (which actually she asked me to cook since she's not familiar with my grill) had a marinade of honey, ginger, rice wine vinegar, a little sesame oil, and soy sauce. I put a bit of peanut oil on it and grilled it on low heat in a basket, keeping the grill cover on, for about 15 minutes. Then she boiled down the leftover marinade for a nice glaze. So delicious!
palak says
Posts like these are why I love your blog! Not so much for even the exact advice, but also for a fresh and hopeful view of the long term of raising a family; when sometimes I'm so focused on the here and now. Thanks!
Suzette @ jambalaya says
In total agreement! Well said.
Margo says
I'm following Rosie on pinterest now! Those dumplings look amazing and I already have black vinegar in my pantry.
Your parenting advice, dear Auntie Leila, is always gold to me. Thank you.
_Leila says
Margo, everything was so good, but the dumplings were stellar. It was hard to stop eating them!
Kathleen Jaeger says
Thanks for linking the yummy looking dishes! I was wanting to know before you mentioned them. When I look back at what my parents did right, it also reflects favorite family times. We ate dinner every night together. No TV, no radio. All of us sitting down, saying grace, gobbling quickly, but then sitting and talking together. It is still a favorite time when we get together over a meal to relive the family memories.
I love that you put the focus on the marriage relationship at the table. My husband & I ate at the table together before the children and still do with the children. One day they will be grown and we hope they will fly back with their wings and eat with us and bring their children, too.
In the years of coming & goings in my growing up years (we're almost there in this family), the dinner table was still there with who could be there. But you had to have a pass in advance, football practice, staying at a friend's house, etc. So the number at the table would ebb & flow but someone would always be at the table eating together. In the neighborhood years, it was understood (by all neighborhood kids) that you had to go in for dinner and no friends from the neighborhood allowed. Just family time.
A friend of mine, recently pointed out, that my husband & I through teaching our young children to sit & eat at the table, taught them so much about self-control in so many areas. That was her observation. I just was determined to eat at the table with the family. So that I could eat!! Right now with our four kids spanning 6 to 13. No toddlers or babies, no one driving on their own. It is a LOVELY time around the table. It is worth it — those times of teaching kids to sit with us at the table (when they are little we would give them quiet toys after they were done eating so they learned to sit and the table longer.) It is worth it!!
Again, I love your focus on the marriage being the roots. Because I am sure I will miss the kids when they fly away, but I look forward to the dinner times again with my hubby. That doesn't have to change.
Jamie says
So nice to have your calm attentive directive self back. This ” toddler” was feeling neglected.
But then, your family needs their wife mother calm attentive directive self as well. Ah me…sigh…and they knew you first…Just Kidding! Your words are SO helpful and encouraging!
Gail says
Lovely post… but I must admit I thought it was going to be about eating roots and wings for dinner!
Dyan says
Great post. Thanks for the encouragement. We have 5 kids from 5-15, and we are to that busy time in our life. We also have dinner together every night, and I agree that it has taught our children self-control. Dinner together really does make that much of a difference. Our children get along and we all enjoy sitting around the table and having conversations and playing cards after dinner.
nt12many says
Although I am extremely blessed to be married to a man who cooks amazingly, I always get hungry reading your food posts. If I ever get to the East Coast you know who'll be dropping in for dinner.
You also win the never-been-done-before award by creating a sauerkraut corned beef casserole that my husband absolutely loved (I did too, surprisingly!). He has never truly liked any casserole before! You must have those sensitive taste buds that all good cooks seem to have. I can tell that you are a very good cook.
Btw-we are exactly the same age. I recall a certain post about your birthday and realized that we are just a few months apart. You still count as a mentor in my book because you've thought deeply in areas where I still lack wisdom and you've lived through the “launching” of most of your children.
Another great post Leila!
Jill Farris ” target=”_blank”>http://www.jillcampbellfarris.com ” target=”_blank”>http://www.generationalwomanhood.wordpress.com
priest's wife says
a bit of advice- would you say it is okay to let the little ones say their end of meal prayer when they are finished instead of insisting that they stay and wait until everyone is finished (we pray together at the beginning of the meal)
and- I am sure that all of your readers are waiting for more wedding photos…looking forward to it
_Leila says
Dear Priest's Wife,
Yes, I think it's okay. I think that it's just fine to simply ask that little ones ask to be excused and even to suggest it — \”Why don't you ask to be excused now?\” \”Yes, you may be excused! Run along!\”
Believe me, they are aware that \”something else\” is going on at the table when they leave. It's a mystery to them why anyone would stay there when they could go play. Then, little by little, the mystery is revealed. And they are attracted to it! Be patient! They will come along eventually.
As to photos, we just have to wait a bit for the brides 🙂
Jen says
Great post as usual! : ) What do you suggest for those of us who are business owners and whose business requires them to be at the shop for part, if not all, of the supper hour? I find that we either all eat late (with mixed results as some of the kiddos are tired earlier than others) or the kids eat first and I try to wait but end up hungry and cranky (still nursing!) if I wait until hubby gets home. Any thoughts?
_Leila says
Jen, maybe eat your main meal during the day, European style, or aim for at least a Sunday dinner together. Do what you can, and definitely feed the littles on time for them. Eat something with them and then something with him to get yourself through. As the years progress, your centering things around your husband will pay off, don't worry.
Marie says
Jen, we also have this problem, and this is how we've found 2 ways to solve it. It Daddy is coming home an hour late, I'll put out a relish tray of veggies and pickles to ward off the hunger of my little ones. Then we'll all eat dinner late, and how wonderful that they've already had a helping or two of raw veggies! Or, if Daddy is going to be hours late and we can't wait for him, we'll eat at our regular time, and when he comes home we all visit with him while he eats and have our dessert and tea with him. (Dessert is not usually served at our house, so this makes coming back to the dining table and visiting with Daddy a treat!) Dessert could be simply a scoop of ice cream or 2 Oreo cookies. It doesn't have to be fancy. What's important is we're “discussing life” as a family.
Brenda says
I can't tell you, Leila, just how relevant this post is to where I am in life right now, & today seemed an especially trying day! Married for 27 years, & began the habit of eating as a family very early on. In fact, our children have always known this as the rule, not the exception. We like it this way, & I just can't say enough good about the benefits of family mealtime. But, life brings certain changes, & children do grow up & leave, as you've pointed out in your post. For us, the changes consist of summer jobs, & all the odd starting & ending times that go with that. I realized that I could hold supper if everyone was going to be late, but that the person who got off work at 8 or 9 o'clock was going to have to be content with eating warmed up leftovers that the majority of the family'd had earlier.
Brenda says
I've also been admonished, so to speak, by your advice about the last child in the family, of whatever age. It's all too easy to “fly away” just a little bit with the oldest ones. I must remember always to be grounded in the home I & my husband have established, & to give the last child the same benefits of routine, as far as it is possible, that I gave the first ones. So very important!
Patty says
Picky eaters? I know you're getting to it, but it's our biggest challenge. Waiting with bated breath! 🙂
Lela says
I've been reading your blog for YEARS…whenever a new post pops up in my reader I get a feeling sort of like when you know your going to have an evening curled up with a good book and a cup of tea. I enjoy your posts so much.
Jenny says
You are killing me with that third secret which cannot be named. You have teased us for months! 🙂
I love what you say about keeping the family meal going even when folks are here, there, and yonder. I remember as a child eating together as a family, but as the children got older (and busier) the family meal fell apart. It regressed from meals at the table to meals in front of the TV to meals in front of separate TVs to meals whenever you felt like eating. In retrospect it was all very chaotic and contributed to emotional distance. I am determined that my family will keep our meals together as the center of our day!
Rachel says
“It's good to sometimes shower benign neglect on the toddlers, showing them that they have to fit into the family”…LOVE. You put that better than I ever could!
Suzette @ jambalaya says
I totally agree! My trouble is that all I have right now is a toddler…and one in the womb to arrive anytime soon, so the “benign neglect” doesn't always work. Thank God for my sling!
Marie says
We are waiting with bated breath for that 3rd secret. Please share it soon!
jodi says
i love your posts, leila, and appreciate all your wise advice. we are in a difficult life stage-7 children going every which way ages 21-6, parents in their late 80s with newly diagnosed end-of life issues (pancreatic cancer for dad, pacemaker replacement/continuing heart issues for mom). we lived in the south for 12 years for my husband's job, taking a large pay cut to return to the northeast to care for them 3 years ago. our kids have been troopers about moving 1000 miles from what they consider “home”, but this summer especially has me torn in so many directions, and the care for my parents (in-laws actually, i cared for my dad this past winter in another state until he died in january) takes at least 3 hours a day, away from the home. and because my husband insisted on buying the home we're in (it has in-law quarters and they helped with the downpayment as their “insurance” that they wouldn't get sent to a nursing home) i also have to have an out of the home paying job (@20 hours/week).
any advice on balancing the lovely in-laws (and caring for them well), juggling the needs of the one almost married daughter, 2 in college, the other 5 that still need to be homeschooled and that little last born 6yo who still loves to cuddle and is so adorable that you could just sop him up with a biscuit (but of course not when any friends/relatives/cousins are around)? and that job? God is good and faithful to strengthen me just when I need it, but i am weary….. and feeling like i fail so often.
you are appreciated!
Sarah says
No wonder you're weary. That sounds like too much for one person.
_Leila says
Jodi, everyone has to take their duties and “must-dos” to prayer and lay them out in God's eyes. What comes first? What are we able to do? Put first things first and trust in God to provide the rest. Sounds like one thing is hashing it out (lovingly 🙂 w/ hubby regarding that job of yours. Some things you just can't afford, and one person can only do so much!
Suzette @ jambalaya says
I say maybe a little delegation to the 5 that are around home
My brothers did better helping with my ailing grandmother who lived with us than they did housework, but that was fine because at least me and mom could get the housework done and the grandparents were cared for too!
Pippajo says
Another post that makes me feel reflective and challenged and encouraged all at once! Brava! We're finding the “wings” part of the equation to be discomforting lately, with Redheaded Snippet turning 17 (in two days) and inching ever closer to the edge of the nest and Calvin entering that tumultuous pre-teen stage known as Middle School. This makes me so grateful for the strong roots we have! It's so much easier to sort through these things in earnest conversation with someone whose gentleness, wisdom, strength and authority I've come to trust more than my own!
I confess, we aren't always conscientious about sitting down formally for meals. Too often I get to chasing my tail and we crash in the living room or eat on the run. And I notice a definite difference in our interaction with each other when too many nights go by without a “sit-down” dinner. Every time we sit down, we wind up talking and laughing and feeling washed in our love for one another. Which makes me feel like a dunderhead for not moving heaven and earth to make sure it happens each and every night.
Thanks again. And well done.
Suzette @ jambalaya says
We generally have meals together at this very early beginning of life. We're three years married, with a 17 mth old who is too cute for words and a 37 1/2 wk boy in utero! All is well, but I have found that starting dinner early (I decided on an hour earlier than I think I need) as you suggested a while back has been the best idea! Thanks!
Dwall says
wondering… have I missed the 3rd part to destruction proofing your family? After a discussion with a sweet young mom I recalled the first 2 and proceeded to search for the third… 🙁
_Leila says
Dwall, no — I haven't written about it yet. But the answer permeates this blog — hint hint!!
Dwall says
oh my. so much good stuff permeates this blog. I shall try to figure it out! Thank you
_Leila says
Dwall, I am working on an actual post, somewhere down the line, on the 3rd secret to destruction-proofing your family. But yes, it's all here, really 🙂
Mrs. T says
I chuckled at “ As everyone matures, suddenly it’s the conversation that makes you feel like you’ve failed, or are seriously going to be reported to the family police. ” it’s so true! My oldest is not quite 14, but I already feel this way!! Too funny.
Donna says
I am seeing this principle in so many ways. I feel incomplete without all the children together and don’t want to do special things, take special trips or even watch a special movie unless we are ALL there. But once you have teenagers that drive and have activities it is hard for us all to be there, and it is not fair that the little ones should wait for family life richness only when the teens can fit it in. I am intentionally turning the the younger children to give them the rich family life the older children had and hope these roots grow deep.