I finally got my projects on Ravelry. You can find me there as leilamarie! |
I know from comments and emails I get that some of you aren't quite sure what I mean by my first golden rule of parenting: Act, don't React.
I get the feeling that some of you are dazedly wondering, “Who are these children, and how did they get to be so ill behaved?
So I'm going to try to give you a little crash course in energetic, active parenting, in which you just have to decide that no one else will do it if you don't.
I think you will agree with me that we have to learn all this basically by reading books, because there are few examples of good parenting around, especially of larger families.
But we can't read the new books, because they are written by people who a) don't know how to raise a family, b) don't actually think you can raise a family, or c) give you lots of wonderful goals (e.g. “have a wonderful, godly family by being a great person”) and very little advice that helps you when you are sitting in a dirty kitchen and your children are throwing “gross, disgusting food” at you.
So I'm going to try to tell you something practical.
You need to read the Bible, because God shows us how people were quite unable to handle life in the world. They knew the difference between right and wrong from the very beginning, but He ended up having to make some specific rules.
Yesterday's readings were all about how beautiful God's law is and how Our Lord affirms, doesn't do away with, God's law; and what peace it imparts to the soul who embraces it. I think we should all meditate on that…by which I mean, go back and read the readings and see what they really say.
Then, run to the library and get out all the Little House books and also all the Little Britches books. (Don't read Little Britches to anyone under the age of about 10, because the father dies and it's so sad. But do read it.) Mama's Bank Account is another one.
In fact, run and get all the old books for children you can find.*
As you are reading them (out loud to the kids or just to yourself), try to pick up the subtext of how the parents are oriented, and it will slowly dawn on you that they are 1) united, 2) strict, and 3) understanding, and where they are not understanding, the kids just have to deal.
Your kids also just have to deal (my second rule of parenting: don't seek affirmation from your kids!), once you get it straight that you are doing what is best for them — the best you can do given your weaknesses, frailties, shortcomings, and proclivity for making mistakes.
The shelf in the island broke, I wonder why? |
Now.
I guess I just have to go by examples in this crash course.
Example one, from the comments in my post about how to raise a 13-year-old boy:
Laura wonders what she can do about her daughter, who just that very morning came downstairs and told her that the breakfast she served was “disgusting.”
I will calmly suggest what to do, but really, this just makes me so mad! Why would you let someone treat you this way?
My calm answer: Ask yourself this: is there a culture of not saying “thank you” in your family? Of being unkind?
Maybe there is. Spend a week thanking your husband for being such an excellent provider, because if you are reading this, you have a computer or live in a place with a library with a computer, and not in a shack in the cold mountains with rags on your feet.
I'm sorry that our copy of Laura Ingalls Wilder's The Long Winter has long ago been read into shreds, because I would like to quote for you the part where Ma serves a supper of salt cod and corn pone, and Pa says something like, “Caroline, you really know how to make a wonderful supper,” and Ma (who had a beautiful home back east, with china and real furniture and silk dresses, but who gave herself wholeheartedly to her life with Pa, even though, I think we can admit, it took its toll on her) says, “Oh Charles, you are such a wonderful provider.”
Keep in mind that they were one corn cake from starvation.
Is this the kind of conversation we have at the table? Do you want this? I know I do!
After a week of being truly grateful for what you have and letting everyone know it, you should talk with your husband about the dire lack of manners exhibited by your offspring. Ask him what he thinks.
And you should obtain his backing, and hopefully the promise of a stern talking-to from him about how you both made a mistake in allowing a certain tone to take over, but things are changing. Yes, admit that you were wrong!
If he's willing (it's better coming from him, but you can say this too if you need to), he should tell the little darlings that they shouldn't be surprised if they get into trouble for being rude, because you realize it's a bad habit, but it needs to be broken.
{And maybe he will realize that he hasn't been too respectful of you himself, or has forgotten to thank you. Maybe he's not Pa. Just keep thanking him and asking him to help with the children's manners, and you will see improvement, believe me.}
After the talk, you must spend a week following through, or, acting, not reacting.
So your princess comes down and says, “This breakfast is disgusting.”
It's up to you:
1) Take the contents of the plate and throw them away. Auntie Leila would totally back you up on this.
or
2) Ask her to leave the room and come back in and thank you for breakfast. She may then say the following:
a) Thank you for making me breakfast! I'm sorry, I just don't feel hungry right now. May I wait for a while to eat it?
b) Thanks for breakfast, Mom! I'll do my best to eat this, but you know, Mom, eggs aren't my favorite. Tomorrow I'd be happy to make myself a bagel if that's all right with you.
You see? She just has to deal with the fact that she simply is not allowed to say that the food is disgusting! What if she said that in front of guests? What if she said that to someone she was staying with? You would be mortified! But the real cause of your mortification should really be that you allowed a child of yours to behave so poorly! It should be for yourself!
If things are so bad, if all this happens at breakfast because she knows you are trapped with her all day and will cry and fight (or, at least, that's what you've always done), and she doesn't respond well to this treatment, surprise her by walking away, saying, “I'm not talking about this until Dad gets home,” because he's already agreed that he will back you up.
You make a rule about the food: We don't say nasty things about the food.
This rule has many sub-rules:
We don't say “hate” about the food.
We don't say “gross” about the food.
We don't make a face about the food.
We are grateful and certainly allowed to express preferences in a way that wouldn't offend the Queen, were she to be making dinner at your house.
Anyone who says anything bad about the food can go hungry or be forced to listen to the story of when Laura and her siblings ate nothing but corn and wheat they ground up in the coffee grinder during the Long Winter, and how they were so happy when they got salt cod for dinner one night.
Other examples:
You dread going anywhere because the children will fight over where to sit in the car.
Solution: Make a rule about the seating, biggest to littlest, boys and girls, whatever you want. Maybe they have a solution (ours came from our kids) — that would be great! But then, it's law. For the common good!
You keep stepping over coats, mittens, boots, and other stuff.
Solution: Make a row of hooks and get a couple of shelves. Insist that everyone take the time to hang things up and put things away. Make them line up their boots and put someone in charge of neatening them. Yes, this takes energy on your part. Did you think that raising children doesn't take energy?
You can't face breakfast because they don't eat and leave a mess.
Solution: See my post on not serving your kids all the time.
Take a shower before breakfast even starts, and stay off the computer until you've supervised cleanup. Yes, you have to postpone doing what you want to do. Isn't that what you are asking them to do? Do you expect them to have more self control than you do?
Get the idea? It's your life, your home, your children. If things aren't basically fun, orderly, and happy, then change them! You have a mind, use it!
Mwah! Love you!
__________
*You are only making your own life harder if your children read books with bratty children and weak parents, and I hope that I don't have to even mention that the Disney channel is not your friend. Children all too easily imitate bratty behavior, so give yourself a break and just don't go there.
Lindsay says
Oh, but if you don't read the first Little Britches where the dad dies to them, you can't move on to the others where you learn more about what an AWESOME mom Emma is. After reading Emma and company, I think she replaced both Ma Ingalls and Jo from Little Men as my top fictional mother I want to be more like. (I will concede that different children are more sensitive, and you will cry when the dad dies, but my little guys really loved the series when Dad read it to them).
_Leila says
Lindsay, I might be too sensitive about it. Maybe when a child is secure at home, he can handle the sadness. It sure caught me by surprise! Maybe I should say, read ahead and then decide about your children…
The books are wonderful! For so many things…
priest's wife says
I sometimes skim “SuperNanny” on Hulu- the one thing that is always the same- the parents are afraid of the kids. I'm not afarid of my kids- I'm afraid for their futures if I don't demand decent behavior.
I love the Little House references- I have never read “Little Britches”- time to go to the library!
Jamie says
The rule at our house is that if someone makes a rude comment about the food, he then makes a donation (a big enough donation that he feels the pinch) to a charity that feeds the poor. I myself have strong reactions to food I don't like, so I am sympathetic to the feeling that a meal is disgusting. But we spent a lot of time with the older ones teaching them to express their reaction in an appropriate way with an appropriate tone. (“You know, Mom, I'd just like a small serving of that, please.” Or occasionally, “No, thank you; that's not my favorite.” (We don't indulge mealtime whims on a regular basis; that second one is code for “please oh please I really can't stand the idea of having a spoonful of that on my plate.”)) The younger boys have caught on from the older boys, and so it's maybe once a year that someone gets fined.
Mrs.B says
I'm going to come back and read this again..when I have more time. LOVED it so far!
MamaHen says
You know, having to copy by hand the chapter in Long Winter might go a long way to convincing someone they should be grateful for the food set before them. Or maybe copying it several times. And I agree, having a dad that backs you up and makes the kids respect you goes a long long way. My hubby will not tolerate the children having an attitude towards me. He says, “Hey, this is my wife. You will not talk to her like that.” It really does make a difference.
julie wasson says
you rock!
Tiff says
Thank you, I enjoyed your post. We have 7 children and from the time the oldest was a baby, people have always told us how well behaved our children are. They are amazed by their manners and how they interact. No, they are not perfect and can act like wild animals at home sometimes, but I must admit they are great out in public. Anyway, I often get asked how we do it. We are not super strict parents, we just expect a certain behavior and self control from our children.They know from the start that throwing fits, name calling, etc is not tolerated and they understand that. Being consistent and on the same page as your spouse is a must in parenting. And I agree with you, children will model behavior, so it's best to start the example with yourself.
I think a lot of the bad behavior with kids these days is from lazy parenting. It's easy for parents to let the school, daycare, baby sitter, or (gack) TV handle things. I could go on and on, but I won't 🙂 I just thank God daily for my children and that I am able to raise them right.
Jen says
We don’t do these things but I think some of it is that we don’t know what to do! I don’t know how to expect behavior or how to discipline!
bignlittlesmom says
“Disney channel is not your friend” AMEN! We got rid of cable tv because of the garbage shown not only on grown up shows but on kid channels! UGH! I LOVE this post …. very well said 🙂
Deb says
Awesome!
Thank you for all your very realistic and common sense posts. You are a blessing that God is sharing!
Blessings on the journey~
Amanda says
Back in the days before it was considered a sin to allow your children to sit in the front seat of the car, my brother and I often faught over who got to sit in the front. We finally settled on a rotation…one week it was his turn, the next week was mine. (We did something similar with “first bath,” as well. Our hot water heater left something to be desired, so the first bath was the warmest. We roatated that on a nightly basis.)
Dyan says
I agree with you. I could have written Tiff's comment, word for word. Also bignlittlesmom.
Happy families and good parenting start with the parents being on the same page of the rulebook–beginning with the Bible is a great place to start. And it does help when my husband sticks up for me to our children. It makes it easier for me to stick up for me and to do what is best for our family, even if it is hard or is not popular with our kids. I'm not here to be popular, I'm raising kids.
Thanks for sharing your insights…..very well said!
adailyportion says
Just when I thought I could not like a post better than your rules for raising a 13-year old boy, you write this! Thanks for being a calm and reasonable voice for what we know can be!
margo says
ahhhh – you are so inspiring!
My best friend, dear Rebecca, taught her children that the only thing there were allowed to say about the food at table was “thank you God and Thank you mommy (or whoever cooked).” I've been teaching my children that and the oldest, 5 year old, is starting up with the “gross” stuff. And so I talked to her about how rude that is and how some people don't have enough/any food. Your post encourages me to STICK AT IT.
Mannerly children are a joy to be around!
Kaitlyn Wages says
My first time to read this blog – I am AMAZED! So thankful that my husband and I are taking this to heart already – but it keeps my gears going knowing that I am doing the right thing! The first thing my husband utters when I serve his dinner is, “thank you for making this for me!” – and now my two-year-old follows suit. My one-year-old says, “Tank chu mamma,: and I pray that our newest addition – coming in June – will follow in line. Parenting is a CONSTANT process – not BATTLE – P.R.O.C.E.S.S. 🙂 Thanks for the great read!
Lisa says
LOVE you!!!!!!XXXOOO
Barb @ ALIB says
We love you back! And, we keep coming back! Thanks for the common sense reminders!
Breanna says
I'm so grateful to the Husband for always–always–eating what I fix and thanking God in the meal prayer for the food and “the beautiful hands that prepared it”. I have a three-year-old who has only once tried saying the food was yucky; the rule here is you don't have to eat if you don't want to, but nothing else gets fixed and nobody's allowed to despise what God has provided for us (i.e., grownups don't get to say “yucky” either).
Little Britches's father dying messed me up for DAYS, btw, I read it pregnant…
sarah says
Such good advice! A lot of folks don't want to be strict because they want to have fun with their kids and just want everyone to be happy. The problem with not setting firm rules and discipline up front is that you fight with and have to discipline your kids more often, not less. The constant yelling, fighting, and reprimanding resulting from unclear boundaries make for unhappy moms and unhappy kids.
Linda says
Brilliant, as usual Leila!
Carrien says
I didn't know this going into parenting. I grew up in a messed up family, my parents divorced and I learned I could yell at them at will because they felt so guilty about things they just took it, or apologized, or whatever. Anyway, it wasn't healthy.
I honestly didn't notice when that tone crept into my children's voices because that's how I thought kids talked to parents. It was the wonderful man I married who nipped it in the bud.
“They will not talk to you that way. Not while I'm around. If I hear it they will get a spanking.”
He always backs me up, and is the stern voice saying, “Listen to your mother.” when I fail to notice that they are being disrespectful or dis obedient again.
But I had to LEARN to notice and change things. Now when I hear complaining I simply remind them, YES MOMMY, THANK-YOU MOMMY, I'D BE HAPPY TO DO THAT MOMMY. Said with a smile of course.
It helps that I have learned also to cultivate gratitude in my own daily interactions, and had to remind myself to smile at my family when speaking to them. It makes such a huge difference.
Judy@Learning says
Auntie Leila, what sound advice! And the idea of reading from the Little House books is just brilliant! What a good way to learn how to parent!____ I've been appalled by what I've seen of current parenting–letting kids do whatever they want, never have your child cry, don't ever say no, let them have the run of the house. (I thank God this is not how my granddaughter has been brought up.) I've never been able to figure out where all these terrible practices came from.____I don't mean to insult those who are doing a good job, and a hard job too, especially in today's society, which doesn't support parents and family. We just had a visit with old friends this weekend which included their grandson, a wonderful young man with beautiful manners, and you know that speaks highly of his parents.____My husband still thanks me every day for the meals I make for him, even the most simple things. How that makes mealtime glow! I am happy for everybody who can now follow your excellent advice!____My husband still charms me by thanking me every time for the meals I make for him.
Angie says
I had been lucky that my 2 were not really picky eaters. At the end of the meal our children were taught to say something in Romanian that translates to “I kiss the hand of the one who fixed the table( made the food).”
Several times I had to say, ” this is not a restaurant,” or as then got older, “If you don't like what I am serving then you can fix the next meal.” We taught them not to waste food, that it is a sin when so many people are hungry in the world.
I did have a problem when they divided up a cookie, or a cake, or anything that they had to share.
One person cuts, the other one picks first! That solved that problem quickly.
Katherine says
That reminds me of my father. He'd squelch our food complaints with, “What do you think this is? A short order kitchen?” I didn't know what a “short order” kitchen was, but it didn't sound pleasant the way he said it.
Katherine says
I haven't read the Little Britches books. I'll have to go to the library. The Little House books are favorites. My husband, after I do something amazingly clever, will compliment me with a Charles quote, “You're a wonder, Caroline.” A LH note: in the Long Winter the Ingalls lived on wheat and potatoes. I think the salted cod was from the Shores of Silver Lake when they wintered in the surveyors' house and the cod was actually considered a treat (as were the canned peaches).
We've been trying to teach our kids to be exact in their language as well as polite. While they've never pulled the “disgusting or gross” thing outside the family, it has been used at our table. Our response is usually something like “Besides being rude, that comment is inaccurate. If it really were gross, no one else would be eating it. If there were smashed worms on your plate that would be gross. If the dog vomitted on your shoe that would be disgusting. Don't exaggerate and don't be ungrateful.”
The Amusing Redhead says
Thank you, I needed to read this.
Mrs. Pickles says
THANK you. Sometimes I feel like I need permission to raise my children the way I want them to be raised — isn't that silly? So posts like this always affirm me in my mothering. 🙂
I would love, love, love to see your recommendations for “old books for children” someday.
Bethany says
My 4-year-old daughter lives and breathes the Little House books. And I couldn't be more thankful for this. I'm so glad that you keep using these books to illustrate your parenting advice. Stories really are the best way to convey truth, especially to children. Thanks for this post!
Anyway, I, too, am so amazed by the Ingalls' family thankfulness–for food, each other, and their home (however teeny or inconvenient it may be). Your thoughts are a really great motivation for me to reinforce Laura's model of thankfulness with my daughters–and Ma's model for myself!
Patty says
Oh, I can't stand it when my kids say that the food smells bad or tastes bad. Ugh! I've taught them to say (at least), “this tastes different” (which I suppose would be code for “bad”) or “I don't care for this.” I make them have a little of whatever on their plates, even if they don't eat it, because often (at least the older one) will decide to eat some if it's on the plate. I will bribe a taste of something or eating so much of something with dessert in return—don't care what the “experts” say about that!
Anyway, my story is that just today, my three-year-old had tasted my pasta (um… homemade “spaghetti O's”) before I'd finished the sauce. She was stoked for this pasta. But then I hid a tiny bit of cheese in the sauce, which I know she doesn't like, but didn't think she'd notice. I put the bowl down in front of her, and with almost a tiny lip tremble, she said, “This smells… different.” Usually, I don't do this, but she had been SO excited about having pasta, and I KNOW she doesn't like (especially pungent) cheese, I actually rinsed the sauce off her pasta and threw together some w/o cheese. But I guarantee if she'd have told me it was bad or yucky, there would have been no mercy! Good post, Leila!
Heidi S says
so, so true. I remember something I had heard when I was a new mom of a boy, after 2 girls. He said, “Remember, you are the grown up.” I was surprised that I was surprised by that fact. It made me rethink my position, and my reactions. The children were not my peers, and I no longer had permission to just let my feelings out, especially if that was not what I wanted from my boy, who had loads of large feelings!
Act, not react. Great advice!
Tracy says
The tone in our house seemed very mean last week and I couldn't figure out why. Then last night I heard my husband snap at one of the children. (He's been unusually tense this week.) When he saw me crying afterward, he asked what was the matter and I told him the boys had been speaking to each other, and to me, like that all week. He immediately got up and went and apologized to our son for speaking to him that way. And today, the tone in the house was back to normal. They are like little mirrors, reflecting back what they see/hear.
Joy says
Such wise advice. Thank you for the encouragement to keep acting, not reacting.
Robin says
Thank you for this. I was raised in a family that didn't have this attitude of gratefulness, but, praise God, my husband was, and I have learned so much!
Relating to that, I don't know if you've read the subsequent books in the series, those of the Rose years. They aren't as good as the Little House books, being written by a family friend, but one thing did stick with me, and it's a reflection on Ma and Pa. As a mother living in Missouri with Almanzo, Laura looks through a catalog and discovers all of the things she “needs”. Then she takes a step back and reflects that she doesn't really “need” them but rather “wants” them, and finds contentment in being satisfied with what she has. I think this is the summit of living a grateful life and a direct result of Ma and Pa's teaching.
Loved, LOVED the Little Britches series. Ralph wholeheartedly loves his father, unashamedly, partly I think, because of the grateful boundaries in which he lives.
Barbara says
Oh my goodness, Leila, where were you when I had little ones? Oh, yes, you had little ones. Great, great advice. You and Dr. Ray should get together and speak. Hey — you should write a book! One book written by you would be worth a hundred books written by people with lots of degrees who think parents are only around for little Seth and Sally to have their egos boosted!
I loved your post on boys, too, having already raised two and working on number three. I must say what you said about hair hit a nerve, as number three is my only one who ever cared that he even HAS hair. We're working on keeping it “manly” now. Thanks!
Mamabear says
We really need to get your parenting advice to a bigger audience, it is so timely and needed!
The Disney Channel sentence should be in all caps, even though it seems like common sense! I don't homeschool, and I have had to fight the good fight of saying no to these shows that “everyone” watches. Now that my daughter is older, I explain why, not for approval, but so she can start thinking about her entertainment choices and what is in line with our values. They do watch a cartoon called Phineas and Ferb, we all enjoy it, but the other day a commercial came on for the Wizards of Waverly Place (A big fat NO) and the character said “I am an Angel od Darkness.”. My 8 and 5 year olds looked at me, speechless!
amanda says
i totally agree with every bit of this post. beautifully done!
also, love your wee blue mug i see in the top photo. i have 2 exactly like it that my father brought from poland.
Jackie says
Bless you, Leila! Thank you for the book recommendations. They've been added to my “to read” list. 🙂
Since we've encouraged our son to “rate” dinner using stars, he hasn't had a bad thing to say about it. Occasionally (but very rarely), he will only give something 1 or 2 stars. My husband and I like many different types of food, so we're always trying something new. If we like it, I'll add it to our rotation; if not, the recipe is deleted from our cache (most of our recipes come to us via internet…if it's in a book, I make a note.) Due to our epicurean ways at dinner, breakfast is pretty “normal”…there are about a dozen things to choose from. During the week, we have fruit & cottage cheese, yogurt & granola, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or oatmeal with peanut butter, cinnamon and fruit (applebutter is our favorite). I usually allow my son (6) to choose breakfast.
Also, I've noticed that having the children help cook dinner (even stirring a simmering pot or scraping veggies from the cutting board into the pan) leads to them LIKING dinner more.
Sarah says
Thank you! I needed this little talking-to.
Melissa says
Thank you! By the way, I just LOVE your blog and reading all about your family! We're starting to grow ours (2 boys so far), and whenever I see pictures of your beautiful family, I'm inspired to have a large family myself, God willing. Thank you!!
Mrs. Fordyce says
We had a family over for dinner once, and their children did not like what I had prepared. The mother actually asked me to scramble them some eggs. At first I was outraged, and then I just felt sorry for her. My mother spent five years in a concentration camp as a child, and lived on goats milk, rice, eggplant, and sweet potatoes. One day, she banged her little tin cup on her little tin plate and yelled “I just can't eat another piece of eggplant!” One of the adults whisked her plate away and ate it himself, and she had no food for the rest of the day. She did this to me once when I was a child, and she never had to do it again! Thank you for another excellent post. I especially liked the line that we do not need to get our children's approval or affirmation!
Laura says
Grateful again for your wisdom and wit, Leila!
Mel says
Oh thank you for this. Just what I needed to hear. Especially the part about my own self-control – so true! Time to step up and act, not react.
Jen says
I LOVE this. I grew up reading Little House (over and over and over. . . ) and I never really thought about it until today, but I KNOW that it did affect how we parent our children! My children are APPALLED at other whiny, fussy, bratty, sassy children that they see behaving so poorly toward their parents.
Thank you, Thank you for being one of the VERY FEW voices out there unapologetically proclaiming the TRUTH about how to parent in a godly way!
Lisa D. says
I checked out the first Little Britches book at the library this week, and finished it last night. How is it that I had never heard of these books?! I just ordered the other seven, since our library only has the first one. I really need to know what happened to Ralph and family after his father died (oh, so sad…). I think my ten year old son will really enjoy this series. We read the Little House series aloud a couple of years ago, and all my children really enjoyed the books. I think it's time to start re-reading them with the youngers, and reading Little Britches to the olders! Thanks for the advice.
Martha says
I second the need for a post (or worksheet) with book suggestions. It would actually be really helpful to have suggestions by age/ gender and theme, too! (In your abundant spare time, of course…)
Meg says
I found this post through a family member's Facebook link and I just have to tell you that it's WONDERFUL and I agree 100%!! Perfect points, on everything. I have been blessed with a husband who agrees with me (and I with him) on manners, respect, and courtesy. We have twin 4 year olds and an almost 2 year old. Our twins have many times stretched their wings by telling me they don't like such and such for dinner, and my blessed husband tells them that we don't say that and to thank mom for the food she made you because you should be grateful for the things you are given. We also have two options in our house: You eat the food or you go to bed/sit on the couch while the others eat. Because of the mutual manners and respect my husband and I have for each other, and by backing each other up, the boys listen and respond well and they thank me “very much their dinner” nearly every night.
Again, wonderful post! (Sorry for my long winded comment. 🙂 )
P.S. I just looked at your Rav project page. I think you're doing BEAUTIFULLY with your knitting!
kim says
My daughter was telling me today about this wonderful post so I had her send me the link. I have raised 6 adults so far. I will soon have my sixth grandchild. I just had to shout this is so wonderful. We read all of those books out loud to the kids growing up and I think the characters in these books taught me. I know they did the kids. None of my kids rebelled, none of them has strayed from God and we are all still friends. In fact they are still each others best friends.
It can be so so I just wanted to say, keep talking, wonderful post, Thank you!
Catherine R. says
Auntie Leila, you are brilliant. Would you consider addressing the topic of children's toys some time? Specifically toy overload, relatives bombarding with truckloads of plastic battery operated toys and the subsequent guilt that leads to not getting rid of them, etc. etc.? I only have 2 children 2 years old and under but already I have the “Toys R Us threw up” look going in my home and we live in a 700 sq. foot apartment so it's worse. I don't know how this happened to me and I feel overwhelmed at where to start and what policies to put in place to manage the toy insanity. Which toys to keep? Which ones to get rid of? If a child doesn't play with it now should I keep it for later? Should I do “toy rotation” like some people do? Should I just keep all of them?
Just throwing this out there. I am sure this is a topic of interest to many mothers of my generation.
Jenny says
Thank You! I am new to your blog and I love it!!
I grew up with – and am now practicing with my own family – “No, Thank You Helpings.” If one of my kids (and occasionally a visiting kid) doesn't want a particular something (usually it's green) at a meal, they get a No Thank You Helping – a teeny weeny portion to try, and they do have to try it. Over time, it teaches their young taste buds new flavors to enjoy and occasionally, somebody discovers something that they really like when they didn't expect to! (this week's example was homemade sauerkraut!) I've always said, “you don't have to pretend you like it, but you do have to try it.”
Blessings!
Theresa says
I just wanted to say a (not so) quick “thank you” for this post. I have a 2.5 year old daughter and a baby boy right now. We have been working with my daughter on manners since she was old enough to sign “please” and “thank you” and because of it I love spending time with her. Unfortunately, what you said about young children being easily influenced has proven to be true for her. I traded babysitting regularly with friend of mine because my friend felt she needed a break from the kids every week and I thought a chance to focus on the new baby and nap with him occasionally would be good. It took me a couple of months to realize that my daughter was learning rudeness from the other little girls because the mom was too lazy to demand proper behavior. It wasn't until I realized I wasn't enjoying spending time with her anymore that I realized what was wrong. We are now in the process of reteaching her manners and being more careful who she spends time with. This post was exactly what I needed to hold me up and keep me on course right now. Thank you for all of your posts. You are helping to make me a better wife and mother and to trust my own judgement when it comes to my kids.
Ginni says
We are friends, you and I. Thank you for saying such things! Thank you! Now, can we take snippets of what you wrote, and blow them them up for highway billboards as public service announcements for mothers everywhere?