I've thought a lot about where exactly to start with this mighty topic, and I've decided that before we get into organization, work flow, and actual cleaning, we have to have a little talk about a habit your children must learn.
Although we mothers begin to find meaning in what we do by understanding it as service, an important part of that service is teaching the little ones how to help themselves.
In other words, in not serving them. On purpose!
Some mothers don't teach little ones this important lesson because they don't actually respect themselves or their own God-given authority, and find that they can't ask someone, even a three-year-old, to do anything. Some don't do it because they truly don't realize it has to be done and besides, it requires effort. Some don't think it can be done or are waiting for someone else or the perfect time to do it. Some are so caught up in serving others that they feel guilty demanding action.
But sweep all that away, particularly that little voice inside of you that keeps whispering, “It's just so much easier to do it myself,” as well as the other one that says, “Who cares, I'm too busy [insert description here, e.g., having babies, reading, surfing the web, talking on the phone, waiting for my mother, etc.] to exert the energy to do this.”
It's like you have two devils, one on each shoulder, and there's no room for the angel who would like to say to you, “Put in the effort for a week and you will reap the benefits for a lifetime.” (Never mind that other devil who tries to convince you that you like things messy and gross. Please.)
Of what do I speak?
Well, it's quite simple. Not easy, but simple. You know how you dread each meal, and when it's done you feel that it wasn't so much a meal as a sort of particularly sheer mountain you have to climb to recover from, only there's also scree that keeps causing you to slip down to the bottom again? You know how your kids spend the whole time running around and then they suddenly are just gone, off to do something fun? And you are left with not only dirty dishes but food everywhere — on the chairs, the floor, the table, the counters…I'm not surprised that you find it hard to keep the kitchen clean.
Sometimes I think that some people really think that their children are no more capable of helping out or acting properly than a bunch of cute little barnyard animals! They regard feeding them with just as much pleasure and derive just as much satisfaction as they would if they were throwing feed in a trough, and the aftermath with the same resignation with which they would clean a stall. I've heard moms say things like “I throw them a bagel.”
Auntie Leila doesn't like this way of speaking of your nearest and dearest.
I've heard that some moms always use paper plates at lunchtime! This astounds me.
I mean, if you are one of these ladies, I'm not judging you, but consider. Not only are you depriving your children of an important opportunity to learn how to take care of things, but it's all so self-confirming and dreary. And are you going to be caught off guard when they don't act properly when the table is set? (Also, how wasteful! I mean, once in a while, okay…but every day?)
But it does seem like a solution to the whole dirty kitchen thing. Right?
You know what, it's amazing what children can do.
Let's try it.
Let's just tackle one thing (well, really two).
And while you are tackling these two things, keep this in mind: Children really like, and respond well, when you make rules!
They aren't good at following logic or understanding reasoning (which is why it makes me crazy when parents go on and on, talk talk talk!), but a rule is something they can wrap their little minds around. Later the opportunity will arise for you to explain the rule, and that's fine, because Lord knows you have some good arguments backing you up, not least of which is that you don't want them ending up being handed their tray through a slot in lockup.
Paradoxically, the more you make them behave with good habits, the more time you have for engaging in delightful conversation with them! The more you rely on reasoning (and its evil twin sister, nagging), the fewer enjoyable moments you will have with them. But I wasn't going to get into child psychology…no. We're cleaning up the kitchen!
Let's make some rules! Rules lead to good habits.
Okay, here goes:
FIRST.
Make a rule that when you call them, they must come, do what they are told to help prepare (for instance, set out the napkins, get the cups, etc. — you choose, but don't let yourself get into a situation where multiple people are grabbing food and plates and shoving food in their mouths and running around while you are still wondering about how to clean up from the last meal, and above all, never let anyone open the refrigerator without your permission, at least until they are also old enough to clean it as well), and wait to say grace together (which means waiting for you to sit down) before starting to eat.
You are going to have to tell them that this is coming up. I mean, don't blindside them! Let them know that things are changing around here — it's a good conversation to have at dinner when Dad is there to drive home what you say.
If the kids are really little, just tell them before you get ready for the meal that when you call, you want them to come in right away.
To work this point, obviously you will have to be ready with the food and ready to sit down with them and sit still yourself. You will also have to be able to give your full attention to them, interacting with them cheerfully.
And yes, I mean this even if “them” is your three-year old.
And yes, I mean breakfast and lunch as well as dinner.
SECOND.
So of course each child has to ask to be excused before getting up. He should also thank you.
Second rule: On being given permission, overtly or tacitly, to leave, that child must clear his place!
Yes, really!
(By tacitly I mean I'm okay with you noticing that he's done and ready to leave and saying, “Okay, all done? Good. Time to put your dish in the dishwasher.” I mean, I'm not for raising a martinet, after all. Later when there are more of them and you need to rein things in, you can explicitly require asking permission.)
It might take three trips, and if it's a toddler you might have to get up and help, or ask an older child to help one while you help the other, but the number one cause of motherhood burnout (other than no bedtimes but that is another post) is being left having to deal with dirty dishes alone! It's too much work for one person! Oh, maybe it's not now, but how will it be after you have your third set of twins or your 13-year old invites all her friends over for pizza — because it's amazing how if your child clears her place all her friends will follow suit — or you are sick one day?
Now, to work this point, you have to have a dishwasher that is empty or at least if it has things in it they are already dirty, along with some space for the rest. Which means, yes, someone has to empty the dishwasher first thing, before breakfast. And when my kids were growing up, it wasn't me, and it shouldn't be you either if you aren't a good riser! If you have older children, assign one to do it. If you have a couple of younger children, assign a rack per kid and one to the silverware, and arrange things so that the clean dishes are within reach for them. (Get sturdy dishes and glasses.)
It's in the Bible: “He that will not work, neither let him eat.” It's okay to ask people to do a little before they get fed. Gosh, think of Almanzo!
If you don't have a dishwasher, then the sink area has to be clean, the clean dishes put away, and the sink should have a tub of hot soapy water in it. We'll talk more about the system in subsequent posts.
So, to recap, they are going to help get set up for the meal in a limited way. And then they are going to stay put and eat it, if only for eight (8) minutes.
Then they will ask to be excused, thanking you politely. Then they get up and put their very own dish in the dishwasher, also any forks and cups; they will throw or put away their napkin; they will push in their chair. They can take their time doing these things and they don't have to do it all together. I find it perfectly acceptable for two littles to go off while the bigger ones sit longer.
Your part is to get the meal ready for them, even if only to the extent that you know what you want served, and to be attentive during the habit-forming period, which really should be a full week. The latter will hopefully help you all to get into the habit of being attentive and present to each other during meals, which is a very good thing indeed.
{Now, a little note. You can remind your wonderful husband to join you in modeling all these things for his dear children, but let me caution you against speaking to him in the commanding tone you use for them. Don't treat him like one of them. Don't ruin the good habits you are teaching them by getting into the bad, even fatal, habit of acting like he's a naughty child. More women have ruined their marriages by this one fault than you would suspect!}
Moms dread eating with their children because they have allowed themselves to hate everything about it, or rather, haven't put in the necessary work to enjoy it.
But I ask you. If your own mother doesn't want to eat with you, who will?
Will there be messes? Of course!
If you didn't want messes you should have stayed single!
I'm talking about reasonably clean here. As in, messes you can handle, and at some point, however briefly, things are okay. As in, you could have company over without needing therapy.
As in, this motherhood thing is doable.
I always loved having my kids around even during mealtimes and even as distracted and disorganized as I am, and in large part it's because I naturally gravitate towards making rules.
But you knew that.
priest's wife says
There is nothing like a clean kitchen! My big girls trade weeks with basic kitchen duty- but I think it is time to step it up. My problem- everything feels grimy. I don't like to use dangerous chemicals in the kitchen, but I think they are needed- any advice??? Simple Green only goes so far- maybe if I use it full strength…..
Beth says
Try Barkeepers Friend or Bon Ami for the really grimy stuff. You'll have to rinse a lttle more becuase it leaves residue, but as a cleanser it is magnificent! I use it along with simple green and the kitchen sparkles……when I clean it. 🙂
Lizzie says
I realize this is really old, but in case any future readers have ever wondered this…
The secret is just dish soap and a sponge, followed by a plastic bottle filled mostly with rubbing alcohol and topped off with some water (the amount varies depending on the strength of alcohol you get). Just do the counters and stove after each meal with a wet soapy sponge, towel off, and spray with alcohol. The alcohol will evaporate, taking any water with it, in a matter of minutes.
The soap is a de-greaser (and disinfectant) and the alcohol is a MAJOR disinfectant. I usually just do the soap step, because I figure if it's good enough to wash dishes it's good enough for the counters. I always use Dawn because it's super biodegradable and you don't have to use much of it.
Your Southern Peach says
Oh this is such a wonderful post and while I have a LONG way to go to get all of this down, I do have my three year old trained to take his dishes to the sink when he is done. We recently went to a birthday party with 10 children sitting around a table eating cake and do you know MY son was the ONLY child who took his plate to the kitchen without even being asked. I was one proud momma! I'm gonna work on these other things too. I love your blog too. Very lovely.
GinnySheller says
Okay Leila, we are going to use your system starting tomorrow. I already have two kids unloading the dishwasher every morning, now to follow through on the rest of the day. Thanks for writing this post. Now I feel like we can take the next step!
Marg Bona says
I loved this post! It is timely – I have my 4 kids helping sometimes, but I'm not diligent about it. We start our new week tomorrow! Unfortunately we don't have a dishwasher, but just getting everything over to the sink area is big, and I shouldn't have to ask to have it done. Shame on me! Can't wait for your “bedtimes” post.
Blessings to you!
_Leila says
No dishwasher can be a great blessing to a family. Some day I will do a post on it!
Betsy M says
One of my best memories from childhood is singing with my sisters while doing dishes. 🙂
Dawn says
We have a perfectly good dishwasher, but about every 3-4 months, I decide we aren't using it for a while…a long while. There are 11 people in our home(hubby, me, and 9 children still at home), so the dishes load is HUGE. We homeschool, so there are 3 meals to clean up after. I just think it builds character, and I also think it is a necessary skill for them to learn. And I am pretty big on rules too. : )
Chris says
Oh Leila! I love you!!! You simplify what I have made into an insurmountable task. Yes, I admit I had come to dread mealtimes because of the “aftermath”! Well, no longer-thanks for the reminders.
Camille says
First, I LOVE that advent wreath in the first photo! I'm going to make one up for us this week.
My kids are 2 and 4. Life is chaos most of the time. I hate it. But for some reason I have managed to control meals — they even ask to be excused! Last week while emptying the dishwasher, I put all the kid gear that goes in the lower cabinet on the counter above it (to put away in a minute). My 2 year old came in to the kitchen and put it ALL AWAY! I just about fainted! Who knew?? He also helps me switch the laundry from the washer to the drier. It takes twice as long, but he loves it and it saves my back from half-bending over.
Great post!
Emily says
I feel like we're making some progress on this: the children come when they're called (mostly), ask to be excused, and clear their places. We're currently having some trouble with the “sit in one place” part, but working on that. The problem that I'm not sure how to fix is the WHINING. I'm met so often with “I HATE that food, why do I have to eat that, I just want to play and have crackers later…” Any tips on handling that? Obviously it isn't ok, but what to DO in response to it?
_Leila says
Hi Emily,
My own father always said this: “We don't say hate about the food.”
My stepmother (also Egyptian) wouldn't even let me say “stuff” as in “what is this stuff?” She thought it was disrespectful.
You want them to come say grace, not to eat. They only have to have a bite of everything.
And this is also why I tell you to have them thank you before they leave the table. Cultivate gratitude and respect for God, the parents, and the food, and the whining will disappear!
Cary says
With just 2 left at home, I see in your post that we never asked for them to say thanks as they were excused. My husband is a very good example, however and always does. It's not to say they never said thanks, but just not as a habit. I like this: You want them to come say grace, not to eat This has helped as the children got older. It makes us all be together at the table at one time, not one who just came home from a friend's to go off in another room somewhere. I also like this: Cultivate gratitude and respect for God, the parents, and the food…. We'll be starting the expected thanks today. We'll have it down by the time the college boys come home; they'll wonder what happened! 😉
Emily says
Auntie Leila, I wanted to give you a happy update! I am no longer emptying the dishwasher or putting dishes into it in the morning! 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 One child empties the bottom rack, one child empties the top rack, and the oldest is in charge of getting all the breakfast dishes into the (now emptied) dishwasher. It took a bit of effort initially but I was astounded at how quickly it became just a normal part of morning chores for them. Wow. Thank you for the inspiration!
Erin says
So many women friends I have ask me a) how do I make my children listen when I speak (?) and b) how do I keep my house tidy (not sanitized, mind you, tidy)? I try to get them to see that “no, you may not” or “yes, after you've done a,b, and c” are worthwhile phrases and that follow through and consistency will make everyone happier. It is my humble opinion that children thrive in consistency and meaningful constraint…they like knowing we're the ones in charge and that we're fully aware of what they're doing.
This post is just full of wisdom and practical advice…so helpful to a new mom or a mom who has decided to take ownership of her role.
Way to go…
sewing hack says
Great post, thank you. Very timely for me.
becky@oursweetpeas says
I am currently reading “Farmer Boy” and had to laugh at the Almanzo reference. I never read the Little House series growing up so I thought they'd be the perfect fit for me now since I am running around after twin 3 yr old boys and have a newborn. They don't require much thought or effort and I love being whisked back to a simpler time. 🙂
Anyways, I have been doing a lot of this with my twins but I tend to be inconsistent so thanks for the “kick in the pants”.
MamaHen says
You have an amazing gift to take what all moms need to know and present it to us in an informative, doable, and entertaining way. I so wish someone had told me all this when I had my three littles (three under four). Things are better now, of course, but at that time I felt like I couldn't even hold my head above water.
Every time I read one of your mothering posts it encourages me to “step it up” a little bit more. Not just for me, but for my whole family. Thank you!
Joy says
This is great, Leila. My boys take turns emptying the dishwasher every day and clearing the plates. There is always someone helping to set the table, take plates in, pour milk, etc. But they don't load the dishwasher (except when I'm sick, then the teenagers can cook a simple meal AND clean it all up–amazing what hunger does for you!) and I'm thinking that would be a good thing to start. I can't function without a reasonably clean kitchen. In fact, when someone is slow to empty the dishwasher, I point out that meals cannot be cooked if the kitchen isn't clean. That always gets some action. 🙂
I love mealtimes with my boys. We often have good conversations and almost always lots of laughter. We're building lots of happy memories, I think.
Barbara says
Haha. Good post, Leila. As the mother of grown children (and one still little and one in-between) I can truly appreciate the need to have help. I was not (still am not about some things) very good at asking for help. I do not like to have the children (or even my husband) do the final clean-up in the kitchen, because they miss the stove, or drip water all over the floor, or forget to wipe the table (I know I should call them back, but oh the energy is gone by then). Maybe some day my only daughter (the youngest) will be good at that.
Having had many, many of my children's friends over through the years, I know that they (children, in general) run the gamut from totally clueless (having had everything done for them) to completely self-sufficient. I say yea! to the mama that creates a self-sufficient child.
_Leila says
Oh yes, mom has to do the final tweak. No one (except maybe Grandma!) can do it “our” way!
Becky says
I love reading your posts! This one brings a question to mind though. How would you handle it if, you called your family for dinner and everyone came except your husband who wanted to finish watching the last 2 min. of the game, or something else like that? It frustrates me, but he's so loving and respectful in all other ways I have tried not to let it get to me over the years. (I notice it's something that happens at family dinners at his mother's house too! When she calls, nobody comes except the in-laws!).
_Leila says
Ha! I have learned to ask about when the game is going to end!
I think we have to be aware of each others' preferences, right? Men.
JaneC says
We don't have children yet, but I am trying to instill good habits in my husband before we do have children. I try to be coaxing, “Won't it be easier to start now, so we can be good models for our children later?” But sometimes I forget and use that commanding tone that I use for my nieces and nephews. It isn't that my husband's mother didn't teach him good manners, by the way, just that he forgot them all in the five years he lived by himself. Does Auntie Leila have any advice on messy husbands?
_Leila says
Dear Jane,
Compliment him for how wonderful and refined he is.
Make a joke if you really can't stand it any more!
I've spent most of my life criticizing and I'm here to tell you it doesn't work!
Only in Louisiana says
First, I am so copying your advent wreath ~ I absolutely love it….secondly, such a timely post for a busy season where we tend to be moving so quickly that order goes out the window. I do most of those things but a few have slipped through the cracks so I need to pull them out, dust them off and start working on them! Thanks for the reminder…it is how I was raised and how I want to raise my children
S/V Mari Hal-O-Jen says
I recently quit my job at a Child Development Center to come home. I last worked in the 1 year old room and by the time the children moved up to the 2's they could serve themselves food from a dish using a large spoon, eat with a fork or spoon, pour the milk from a small pitcher into their cup, and then clear their plates and cups into 2 bins, one for food and milk and the other for the dishes. The Center called it 'Family Style Dining.' Fancy that! But we spent a lot of time practicing it, it was always part of our weekly lesson plans.
_Leila says
S/V — That is so funny. Yes, “a lot of time practicing…” that would be breakfast and lunch at home! Hence the post!
Anitra says
We've always kept our daughter (now 2) completely out of the kitchen, because it is very small and therefore extra dangerous (example: to open the oven door, you must stand to one side, as it only has about 4 inches clearance; the cupboards and drawers are just gaping holes with a nice front on them). We're planning to remodel the kitchen and open it up (and add a dishwasher) in about 2 years, at which point we'll have a 4-year-old and a 2-year-old. I wonder if I can wait until then to teach them to clear their places and put clean dishes away, or if the messy kitchen will drive me crazy first.
Lauta says
Even if they can't actually go into the kitchen, you can still have them help out! You can make sure that a trash can is accessible for scraping plates and keep a plastic bin with a small amount of water nearby for them to place their cleared plates in. If it has a lid, you could lessen any worry about spilling the bin as you transferred it to the kitchen. Good luck!
Kristen Laurence says
Smiling intensely here. Love this post – you are awesome, Leila! Friends often ask me how I can have upholstered dining chairs, white bedding, breakable pottery in reach. Rules, rules I say! You are so right that children want rules – of course they do – rules make us better people, and therefore happier people!
Amy says
Confession first, I am a messy mommy. I missed the genetic trait where you know how to keep things clean and tidy. I have to work hard at training myself so it seemed a good idea to have the kids learn with me.
I absolutely agree that children deserve to be treated and children of God. They can do amazing things when taught a few steps clearly. We used to watch videos with the small ones from Preschool Power. They loved seeing other toddlers proudly prepare food and clean up.
Enough of my children are old enough now to kindly help me “learn” to clean my house, kitchen, cupboards. I am glad that I was polite and courteous in my tones then because they are very patient with me now!
Breanna says
I just read a (not very good) book about applying Montessori stuff to littles… don't know what I think about it…but one of the ideas that struck me as sensible was to have the littles lay their own places. My 3-year-old girl set her place and her brother's place (he's about 18 months) last night, with plate, fork, napkin, and cup, AND cleared them, AND thought it was fabulous. Huzzah! I wish I had thought of this earlier. They DO always come to dinner when called though…maybe because they always have to come right away when called, or get the strongest discipline we use–between big trucks and big dogs, instant obedience in this area is important around here.
Patty says
Great post! (And I'm so happy you're continuing your Reasonably Clean House posts!) This is one area of your sensible rants where I can say, “Check! Check! Check!” Yes! We do most of these things. Your post motivated me to put the finishing touches on a post I'd had in draft for a while. It's got a tip for one aspect of this topic that has worked great for us (staying at the table for the meal, or part of it, and not wandering off): http://siblingrevelries.blogspot.com/2010/12/sit-…
Now, what I'm looking forward to/dreading is the bedtime post. I HATE bedtime. And so do the kids! But I don't want to think about the tears (from all of us) and lack of sleep that it is going to take to change it! Help!
Anitra says
It may sound counter-intuitive, but our solution for bed/nap time has been two-fold:
1) Stay in bed, but you don't have to sleep until you're ready. Read books, play quietly, whatever. (For children who are potty-trained, I would probably add: you can get up to go to the bathroom, but you go straight there and straight back.)
2) Mom and/or Dad will come check on you periodically.
It's still a bit disruptive, and means that Mom and Dad have to be quiet & available after lights-out, but it no longer means that one of us has to sit for 45 minutes or more with our two-year-old until she falls asleep. In general, it has worked great! The periodic checking allays the little one's fears that we're abandoning her at night.
Margaret says
One of our family rules is “No one leaves the kitchen until the dishwasher is loaded and running.” My kids are two and one, so they can't do much other than bring their plates to the dishwasher, but at least they are learning that they have to stick around instead of running off to go play.
Also, I've recently started reading chapter books aloud during lunchtime, and it does wonders for their ability to sit still at the table!
Jill Farris says
Write a book Leila, write a book! Call it “Auntie Leila says”…such advice is needed desperately in this day and age when so many young moms were raised in day care or by themselves at home and now want something different in their families!
Loved the Almanzo reference. I always refer my thoughts to Almanzo when I think I'm working my kids too hard!
Raffie says
I agree. I would LOVE to read your book. Please think about writing a book for us.
Elizabeth Nichols says
“If you didn't want messes you should have stayed single.” haha and amen! I think I need to hang that somewhere in my house to remind me that the messes are just part of this stage of life…and probably many more stages to come.
Magda says
My two-year-old cracks me up. He's learned to say, “May I please be excused?” and “Thank you for the meal” and to push in his chair. When he was learning the first phrase, though, I'd prompt him, and he'd reply, “Yes, you may!” and scoot off.
Do you have any advice or tips on how to get a little one to come when called? He's reached the “no” stage (often saying “yes” with his actions), but I'm halfway through the pregnancy with his sibling, and am tired of chasing after him when he decides he's *not* coming.
I love this series of posts, and I second the idea of the “Auntie Leila says…” book!
Breanna says
Depends on how you feel about spanking, but you can use whatever your “ultimate” discipline step is. The way I finally got my daughter to listen at that age, since she could understand simple consequences, was to say “Come here.” Then if she didn't, I'd say, “Honey, if I have to come get you I'm giving you a spanking. Now come here.” I rarely have to say “if I have to come get you” and I only had to spank about twice before she started coming the first time. (Spanks are pretty mild in our house, just for anyone who is worried…)
_Leila says
Yes, I agree that coming when called is a non-negotiable. Read my post about obedience http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org/2010/09/s…
Now, I'm assuming that you don't do that thing some moms do where you call him without really meaning it, or say his name for no particular reason, or otherwise abuse your power over him by being ineffectual. Fix that first. Only call him when you mean it.
Jeannie says
Leila, I always look forward to your posts! Now, am I horrible because I do what you mentioned BUT I also have them wait until we are all done before they are excused? Is that just too much for little ones?
_Leila says
Well, Jeannie, I don't know! Maybe you all eat really fast! Maybe you have very patient compliant little ones. We only asked our littles for the minimum and frankly, were relieved when they left. They happily played nearby and we got some grown-up (or older-child) conversation in without the requisite corrections and spills and general bedlam.
But hey, do what seems best to you! Only, don't let them be the center of attention ALL the time 😉
Charming's Mama says
Thanks for the advice on mealtimes, but what do you do with a 4 year old child who doesn't want to eat? I have limited snacks and thrown out all the candy and sweets in the house, and still getting him to eat a decent meal is so frustrating and it doesn't seem to matter what I fix. I feel like I'm always saying “take another bite, please” or worse I am feeding him another bite. The child would be sustained by apples and cheese if I let him. Do I set a timer and if he hasn't eaten his meal, do I let him get up from the table only to have him complain about being hungry in an hour or so? If you have already covered the subject of a fussy eater in another post I would love to read it, if not, would you indulge me by replying to this comment.
-Sydney
_Leila says
Sydney, I haven't really blogged about this, but right now I'll say that you should insist that he take one bite of what's in front of him, sit with you (or at the children's mealtime if they are eating separately) a reasonable amount of time, supply reasonable snacks, and refuse to make food an issue. I'm assuming that his weight is normal for him. He is not going to starve. If he's hungry in an hour, he can wait for the next scheduled meal or snack.
There are fussy eaters and you have to wait them out. Never get into power struggles with them. Never think that they will expire if they don't eat certain things (as long as you eliminate junk, which you say you do). A child can live on one food for years. It's not ideal, but it's better than having your whole life center around feeding him. In time, you will be surprised that it ceases to be an issue.
Kari says
How do you require one bite of everything without making food an issue? At that point if the child is really stubborn about it she will sit there past bedtime without a bite? Just curious! 🙂
Kari
liz says
I know this is a really old post, but this has been my exact question for the three years we’ve been dealing with my now-5-year-old’s picky eating! He’s obedient in everything else (and we have high standards), but I can’t figure out how everyone (including our parents) gets their child to eat that “one bite” without punishments and power struggles. This is the one area where he can and will withstand any tactic we use. We have light, scheduled snacks, and I’ve never cooked separate meals for him. We tried not worrying about it at all for a year or so (based on Ellyn Satter’s books), but that just resulted in an even-more limited menu of foods he would eat. Our second child hasn’t been a problem, as she’s (predictably) differentiating herself from her brother by eating everything quite cheerfully. I’m not worried that he will waste away, but I find it unacceptable for a child to refuse to eat perfectly good food for which he should be grateful.
Leila says
Dear Liz,
I do have a post about picky eaters:
http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org/2012/08/ask-auntie-leila-picky-eaters-and-best/
See if this helps.
If you are already in a power struggle, dial it back. Feed him before dinner with the family and send him to early bed. After a while, he’ll be conscious of being excluded from something he very much wants to be a part of — and he’ll be better rested!
Anna says
Try _Child of Mine_ by Ellyn Satter, it is an excellent book about the roles of the parent vs the role of the child when it comes to eating. There is no deception (pa-toey!) and no power struggle.
Beth says
Dearest Leila,
As a Mom of nine who is celebrating her 25th anniversary in home schooling this year, I salute you! I thank you for taking the time to share your family with me. Your experiences mirror my own, and the witty dialog you offer both bolsters and inspires my spirit. Here's to big, extended, happy families….with RULES! You go girl!
Sue says
Amen, and Amen!! Living in a culture where, as a rule, mothers let their little kids get away with murder has made me very attentive to things like this!
Speaking of Japanese culture, I did a double take when I saw that first photo. Where did you come by your Japanese place mats?!! If my eyes are not deceiving me, that is a Ge-emon if I ever saw one. I don't have that pattern, but I have lots of others, thanks to my sister-in-law who lives right by the little town where the very famous china they are patterned after is hand made.
_Leila says
Well, Sue, T.J. Maxx?
They were a gift from Rosie, and she gets stuff like that from there.
Funny!
And yes, people who only have one or two children don't make rules for them usually, and that's because for them, child rearing is a period of time you just get through. They have no idea of the importance of these few years and how they will affect your future life together and the children's future struggles. They just think, “oh, in a year it will be over.”
Unfortunately our culture is driven by people who think this way, and if you have more than two kids, you are faced with a decade or two of this behavior, rather than just a few years! And it can't be done, nor should it.
jaykaym says
The best thing I taught my children was to do their laundry. As soon as they were tall enough to see into the washing machine they were on their own for sorting, washing, folding and putting it away. Later, when my son was off to boarding school, he had to give the other students 'laundry' lessons because no one had any idea how to sort their clothes so they didn't all turn funny colors or how much detergent to use. He was astonished that no one else had ever used a washing machine.
Rochelle says
I'm with Jill; write a book!!
Speaking of books, I read a book over Thanksgiving and the whole time I kept thinking “I know who would love this! Aunt Leila!” I was all excited about e-mailing you to recommend it ~ Imagine my surprise when I got to the last chapter or so and you were IN the book. Crunchy Cons was great. 🙂
As to meals and clean up, I'm resting here reading after much too much time spent washing dishes tonight, but the fault it mostly my own for using too many dishes and not reusing things. Shame on me!! I do have to say that I'm VERY proud of myself for spontaneously (the Holy Spirit?) telling my two and a half year old a week or so ago that when she finishes and after she asks to be excused she must clear her place to the counter (by the sink) and go wash her hands in the bathroom. This was a very matter of fact instruction and I've been amazed with the results! She loves rules. 🙂 And you are SO right about rules vr. lectures….when I talk talk talk she gets so confused! 🙂 Silly mama. My husband also has pointed out that you have more respect for someone who doesn't explain everything as if they are trying to get your approval for leading. Wise man.
Thanks again for all your wisdom and encouragement/admonishment!
Kathleen T. Jaeger says
Yes life with little ones is loud and sticky. But so much better when I can sit down & enjoy it with them. Thank you for writing down the steps for this process. I somehow figured this out as I went along but it would take a long time to put it down into the steps & words as you have done. Thank you. It is so helpful!
freckledhen says
Love this…every word. Sitting with my family at dinner time is my favorite part of the day. And it took me a couple kids to realize how capable they were at young ages to help out, but it is so worth it by the time they are teenagers and can clean the whole kitchen better than me!
jamiemgottlieb says
Love your blog and “can do” attitude! As a young mom (who had nose in a book most of childhood) I find it very helpful! It all seems like common sense when you share it, but most of these things aren't taught these days. Keep sharing please!
Rachel P. says
My mother has told me that my great-grandmother (who was famous for her pies, by the way) would always start her cooking by saying, “All right, let's get a basin of dishwater going.” Apparently she held the belief that if you washed as you went your workspace stayed cleaner and more functional. I was raised with the same idea, but the convenience of dishwashers had made me lazy for a few years. In the past few months, I became disgusted with my dishwasher and decided it wasn't worth it to wash every dish twice because the dishwasher wasn't getting things clean. I started washing things by hand and was surprised when my seven year old son tuned into the chore. He now knows where the towels are, where dirty towels go, how to run a basin of hot-soapy water, how to wash dishes and will frequently ask me whether he may wash that for me. In the process, my two year old son noticed this and began clearing dishes from the table on his own to watch big brother wash them. Your mention of having older siblings help younger siblings brought all this to mind and I thought I would share how a small change can have a big effect.
Theresa says
Great post! I love the attitude about parents needing to push their kids to help out–I know too many parents who think it's punishing to make their children clean. I wish they would understand that helping around the house is a familly responsiblity, not torture! My husband is great about getting my daughter to help out–some of his ideas are at http://istherezucchiniinthis.blogspot.com/search/… .
MoiraElizabeth says
Emily ~
Something my mother did with the whining was to use the sign “W”. She would hold up her 3 middle fingers in a “W” shape – That was the warning “you are Whining, and if you don't stop, you will be disciplined”. Then, if we continued, she followed through with a consequence. Maybe a slap on the hand for a smaller child, maybe no dessert for the eight year old, or even “you need to leave the table until you are ready to come back and be polite”. Sometimes the “no social time” was a bigger threat than “no food that you don't like anyway”. Though if you use the latter, I think it is best to stick with it, and not give in with snacks….:)
MoiraElizabeth
Kathy says
Thank you again for your wisdom! And since you haven't yet arrived on my farmhouse porch, I will continue reading and doing my best to make changes where the Holy Spirit leads. It frankly was pretty easy with three under three, but fast forward to eight children, and I've dropped the ball somewhere…however, being inspired, I linked to this post on my blog, because so many will also be encouraged. Thanks again. Sending a hug from the farm~
Kathy
ebbs says
You express so clearly what can be done to improve family life while honoring Christian service. Thank you for this post, which I have sent on to my children who have toddlers.
Glenda Childers says
Love, love this post. How lovely it would be if all moms read and took this to heart. The payoff is oh SO BIG.
Happy training,
Fondly,
Glenda
pam says
I wish I could re post this on my blog because I really do get alot of slack about how much my kids do. I remind them daily that we work as a family and as a family we keep a house going. I think sometimes we think it is easier to just do it ourselves and forget one day we will have adults who need to know how to do these things.
Karen says
Hi there, So happy to have found your blog through the 'Pretty over the kitchen sink ~~Linky Party.”.. I shall join in this when I have a little more time on my hands, and I shall also take some time to read a lot more of your back posts….I am mother to 5 children (1 boy, 4 girls) rangeing from 12yrs down to 13 mths. I love being a mum and have always wanted to do so much for my children, but as my family grew I realised not only was it impossible to do everything I wanted to but I learned just how important it was for the children to learn to do things for themselves, After reading your post tonight, I noticed my 2 1/2 year old take her plate up to the kitchen after dinner, scrap it off and put it in the sink…my 4 year old push her chair in as she left the table and my two eldest 10 and 12 clear the table and turn on the packed dishwasher . Our children keep a daily roster on thier bedroom doors and they know what is expected of them from Wake up to Bedtime…(Mine is kept on the fridge)..it still gets a bit hectic around here a lot but at least we have a basis to work with. I found this post very reassuring…Thank you.
christine says
Just found your blog, via Charming the Birds….and LOVE it. Will be bookmarking it and coming back later when I have some kid-free time to read ! Just wanted to say hello and this post is so very timely for my household !
Adriana says
Finding your blog is an answer to prayer. I am expecting my fifth child, homeschooling, and dealing with morning sickness. I have needed a wise mother to guide me. I am going to start implementing this advice tonight!
Thank you and blessings to you all!
Lori says
Thank you! You are a gift from God! This is very timely for me and I don’t think it was a coincidence that I found this tonight!