I'm sure I've said “because I said so” in my time. I believe I've said it all.
Maybe my new lens will come today! These photos are from July… |
There are so many things you say to your kids every day (and here again I'm talking about kids older than two or three) —
“Please give the dog water.”
“Why do I have to be the one to give him water? It's not my turn! Why me?”
“Please pick up your [Q$%%^$*&!] socks.”
“Why? I just started this book! I'm so tired!”
“Can you hand me that cup, please?”
“Why? Why do I have to get it for you? Why don't you ever ask anyone else to do anything, ever?”
“Get your sister.”
“Why? Why do I have to?”
“Let's eat.”
“Why do I have to come in now? Everyone else is staying out! Why??”
On and on… and you just can't explain each and every thing! Life would be perfect if everyone just did what you said (actually, it would be perfect if they did the stuff on their own without being told, since I really don't think anyone needs to be told that a dirty pair of socks doesn't belong in the den, for the love of all that is good and holy, but never mind that).
However, the fact is that these are human beings with a will. The goal is not to raise automatons or robots or martinets or soldiers or well trained pets. The goal is to raise thinking, kind human persons.
So here's a secret:
Instead of endlessly explaining (and making that fatal mistake of allowing the argument to take over)…
Instead of saying “Because I said so,” which, while sometimes something you toss off, might give you that twinge of regret at having 1) conceded tacitly that it is a power struggle after all and 2) committing a rudeness…
How about looking them in the eye and firmly saying,
“Please go do what I said with prompt obedience, cheerfully, and I'll tell you why when you get back.”
It's frankly stunning how this works.
Usually they go off and do the thing and completely forget they ever had an objection!
They don't bother coming back (after all, you did explain, with the patience of a whole legion of angels, ten times at least, why a dog will get sick and die if it doesn't have water, a fact that is nevertheless perfectly obvious to the meanest intelligence and doesn't need to be stated). They are cheerful and often even come back and get a kiss! It turns their heart amazingly.
Sometimes the bitterness and sheer unfairness of being made to do something lingers. They come back and say, “Okay, I did it. Now tell me why!” It's rare, but it happens. And that's the moment to give a hug and a kiss and the explanation (one. more. time.) and then the much-needed morsel of food or that nap to sustain life in this dire form that presents itself to you.
In any case, you will have accomplished the goal, which is prompt obedience without endless questioning. A few times of saying, “Do it and then I'll give you the reason,” and the habit of prompt obedience will be instilled — you won't have to say it any more. And you will have reached your goal in a way that affirms that it's not hearts of stone you want in your little ones, but hearts of flesh.
Caroline says
Thanks! My eight year old (number two of soon to be seven) does this EVERY time I ask him to do something. I can't wait to try it out!
Rachel says
Lovely post… going to share this one 🙂
Deanne says
I need to remember this, I am going to write it down and put it somewhere when I remember.
Christina says
No. Way.
I'm a few years away from the age range you recommend, but if this really works…I'm going to be like Deanne and write it down.
Mrs K says
Thanks Leila! Like Deanne, I have written this down to try out on my child. I will share it with DH tonight and see if I can get his buy-in on it (but I still plan to do it anyway, whether or not he does).
Nadja says
This sounds good, especially for the older ones…now, I just need magic words to put an end to a four year-old's foot-stomping and door-slamming!
_Leila says
Nadja, just like I said in my other post, you have to commit to making him do it again, properly. If you spend a week with the determination to bring him back to walk out quietly and shut the door carefully, by day 5 you will have forgotten because it will be over.
It has to cost them more to do it wrong than to do it right. It's a habit, and habits are hard to break!
Rachel P. says
Fantastic advice! “Because I said so,” is rude, but no one presented a better alternative before! I'm so glad I found your online journal. I've learned so much in the last three days (especially about housekeeping.) I wish you would share some thoughts on how to maintain sibling harmony. I feel like a referee some days rather than a mother.
_Leila says
Ah, Rachel…yes. I will try!
MamaHen says
Love it! also love “the patience of a legion of angels”.
I linked to you on my blog today.
thedomesticfringe says
Good stuff! I'm going to use it. I shared yesterday's post on Twitter and Facebook and I know several people who passed it along. Everybody was very thankful you wrote and shared your wisdom with us. Thank you.
-FringeGirl
Serene in Singapore says
Agree!!! 🙂
I came over from The Shown Family's blog and I love your blog! Especially your homekeeping series about why the books out there don't get what a large, homeschooloing family has to deal with to get their homes in a reasonably clean and presentable state 🙂
briana says
Good advice! Your flowers are beautiful!
_Leila says
Thanks, Briana, they are really Habou's 😉 She's the flower gardener around here.
Joy says
Oh, that is fantastic! Thanks, Leila. It is much kinder than “Because I said so”. I'm off to try it out. 🙂
deidra says
I want hearts of flesh in my big ones, too. And in me…
GinnySheller says
Thank you for being so brilliant.
And thanks for all those examples you gave at the beginning of the post. I thought only my children whined and complained when asked to do something.
Jonny and I will be memorizing your “secret” sentence this week!
Serena says
Auntie Leila, I have never posted a comment on your lovely blog but have been coming here for about a year. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your common sense posts. As a mother of a 6 month old and a 2 1/2 year old it is wonderful to hear from a mom who has been in the trenches. I cracked up when I read “for the love of all that is good and holy” because I must confess, I have been known to say that a time or two. Especially regarding socks left around the house – what is it with that, I mean really (sigh)!?
Thank you again!
Amy F says
I am actually excited to have my 4 and 6 year olds complain so I can try this — you're wonderful!
Charlotte says
This is the best parenting advice I have ever seen. Please more of these posts-help me I have a 12 year old daughter and sometimes I feel like I am walking on eggshells around her-I know I am the parent but the I see her trying to assert more of her independence and I am struggling with boundaries.
Jenny says
Thank you.
THANK YOU.
This–THIS–is the answer I've been looking for–for a question I hadn't yet asked!
Man, you are GOOD!
Betsy M says
How wonderful. I especially love the line, ” And you will have reached your goal in a way that affirms that it's not hearts of stone you want in your little ones, but hearts of flesh.” Very frequently I hear my children echoing my comments and at times I cringe at my choice of words. Thank you for giving me a kind phrase that I hope will obtain the same results.
Jenn S. says
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I think this is brilliant and can't wait to try it.
Lisa says
Oh this is good. Keep it coming!
Lisa says
Oh this is good. Keep it coming!
Michelle says
It's like you're at our home and seeing our struggles….your last few posts on discipline are exactly what I need right now. Thank you!
Sue says
Brilliant!!! I'm now going to go and practice saying that sentence with a smile!
Becca says
Thank you! I know you said this is for children older than 2 or 3, but I'm going to give it a try with my almost-4-year-old who asks “Why?” every time I ask her to do something.
Sarah says
Great idea! Thanks! What kind of dog is that?
_Leila says
That is a genuine mutt.
Polly says
as a mama of a 5, 7, and 9 year old this is music to my ears! I just printed it out and posted it above my desk, thank you a million times over!
Jill F. says
Leila,
I bow to the master!
Jill F.
sarah says
So glad that I found your blog. I love reading all the things that you write. I have four children under the age of 8 and so I can't wait to try this.
Sarah
Tracy says
You are a Genius!!
jeana says
Brilliant! What would be an appropriate responce to and uncheerful obedient little boy?
_Leila says
Jeana, being uncheerful is a habit! You have to study him to see why he has this habit. Sometimes you can even just say “don't groan when I ask you because the Lord loves a cheerful giver!” “Say 'I would LOVE to, Mommy!' ” Or sometimes make him do it over, with a smile. And make sure you are smiling at him at least sometimes 😉
Beth says
I just discovered your blog a few days ago (a cyber buddy, Melissa from A Familiar Path) posted one of your posts on FB). Thank you. Thank you for posting, for taking the time to share your wisdom of years and trials. Thank you for not being afraid to say “spank that child”. Thank you for for being a “mentor” over the miles (not even sure where you live :). I'll be sharing your blog to my mom-friends from now on!
Beth
sibyl says
This is an excellent suggestion. My response to that kind of whining “why” is, “Because I am capricious and fundamentally unjust. Now go do it, please!” The older ones know what these words mean, but the younger ones feel they've been given a reason but they just don't understand it. However, your idea is better.
_Leila says
Well, Sibyl, I kind of like yours too…I'm all for free recourse to humor when necessary. I think there are many situations demanding an arsenal of disciplinary weapons, and it doesn't hurt to have a few more! It all just depends, which is why it's kind of hard to write about it!
emily b says
This is incredible. So simple. Yet I am so unbelievably unable to come up with these things in the moment! (And how did YOU come up with these things?! There were no blogs when your children were little, right?!) Thank you for not keeping these “secrets” a secret any longer! Blessings.
Amanda Gehman says
I can't wait to try it out – and I am sure that I won't have to wait that long!
Wendy says
That is sheer brilliance. My girl is only four, but I'm so trying this tomorrow!!!
Elisia says
Thank you so much!!! May God Bless you for your beautiful advice. This post was an answer to a prayer I had this week about how I should handle my children not obeying immediately. This is only our second year of homeschooling and I felt like I was at wits end this week. I have not been showing kindness or patience and I was ready to strangle a few of them. By the grace of God I found my answer how to have patience and kindness with the children..
Charlotte says
Oh my goodness, absolutely stunning how this works. I tried it and my 8 year old turned around, walked out the door and took the bottle to the calf.
Chris says
This. Is. Brilliance!
Chris in Canada
Spiritual Mothering says
Wonderful! Yours photos are fabulous too! Love the echinacea. Katie.
margo says
I got a similar sentence from my brilliant friend: “I think you meant to say, 'yes mommy.'” It works every time! But I'm going to add your sentence to my repertoire too 🙂
We've been working so hard on manners here recently. . .and the children have too.
Kari says
AMEN!!!!! and thank you—dicipline with my toddler and a new baby here is difficult these days.
Kari
wanderingsue says
Right, meant to post this here- teach me to be internetting with a 2-year-old on my knee!
Yes, that's awesome, Leila. But I cant decide whether I prefer that helpful line, or this one “… to sustain life in this dire form that presents itself to you.” Perfection.
Ms Amanda says
“However, the fact is that these are human beings with a will. The goal is not to raise automatons or robots or martinets or soldiers or well trained pets. The goal is to raise thinking, kind human persons.”
In this one line you sum up raising children perfectly. And I will be revisiting “I'll tell you when your done” around here! It's so helpful to be reminded of the tools we have as parents 🙂
Tamie says
Love it! I have a 5-year-old who will be hearing this a lot… 😉
Kaye says
Absolutely love this post and your blog! I will be sharing this gem with my readers during my round up post that will go up on Saturday. Thanks!
Lois says
That is SUCH a good idea!
Jen says
I missed this! This was a very timely find today. Our 6 year old is big into the “whys” and “not fairs” these days and I was running out of ideas. I will try this soon, likely later today… 😉
gossettfamily says
This is great! I have a trick that works with the “but why?” of 2 and 3 year olds, too: Instead of explaining over and over again, I often ask the child: “Why do you think so?” or just a cheerful, encouraging: “Tell me why” This usually works! The endless “but why”s are not often real questions but conversation-starters. Most of the time, the kid knows the answer, they just want to talk to you about it. So get them talking!