I'm checking in three days before the wedding for an emergency session of Ask Auntie Leila. You know, I guess the people who just won't discipline their children aren't going to be the ones to ask advice.
Too bad, because I really feel like when I see them at the store I'd like to give them a piece of my mind. But I guess they don't read blogs anyway…
Instead we seem to be having an epidemic on the internets of lovely, earnest moms who are maybe a wee bit…serious…when it comes to their children. They need a heavy dose of SOH (Sense of Humor) and perhaps a dash of POV (Point of View), not to mention a bit of SWIMKIPYNPE (So What If My Kid Isn't Perfect You're Not Perfect Either).
My heart truly goes out to you, my friends, because you are such over-thinkers that you are putting a mountain of cares on your little children's shoulders! Relax! Enjoy! It's all so good…
Dear Anne writes in the comments of this post (and there is no email address, so I chose to answer her here):
…My 3 yo [4 in August] and I are in a power battle currently. He is my only gift from God [and it looks like he will always be my only] and I feel like I am “doing it wrong”. He told me the other night when I asked him why he was being naughty that he was just “an evil, evil boy”. I was older when I had him [as is my husband] and I don't know what I'm doing in the mothering department. I feel overwhelmed. He's a very smart, verbal little guy. He's surrounded by adults and I feel like I expect him to entertain himself too much while we do the necessary stuff of running the house. I think I expect too much of him, that I yell too much, and that he and I are both missing his childhood. I read your post on expectations and that is me. I do take away stuff or threaten to take stuff away [unfortunately I usually do end up removing privileges] and I hate it. I hate being “mean mom”. I want to be “loving, nurturing mom”, not “yelling, screaming, crazy mom”. Help.
Dear Anne,
Do not fear. All will be well. Not because I'm such a font of wisdom — I don't know you, and I haven't seen you in action. But because God is good, and He will not fail to help you if you ask Him.
1. You must start today praying to your boy's guardian angel every day to help you know how to love him in just the right way. When you pray for your child, first of all you gain the peace that even your mistakes will be made into something beautiful by God. Second, little by little you will find the answers you need for him. It might take a while, but you will find them.
Angels are very practical. They are not the airy-fairy beings we think of. They are God's messengers to us to help us with the nitty-gritty of our interactions with each other and with the physical and spiritual world. Learn to depend on your child's angel. Ask your own angel to help you remember this.
Each person has an angel! This is in the Bible.
Also, if you are Catholic, make good use of the Sacrament of Reconciliation in this matter. The priest, in the person of Our Lord, will help you see that you must just be patient, because a little child will always be naughty. This is normal. Stop threatening. If you must say no, say it to mean it, wait, get a result, and move on.
2. Realize that your son needs a lot of physical activity. A lot of mothers forget that their toddlers should be running around in the fields all day chasing the dogs and each other.
When one is older and tireder and there aren't siblings to keep each other busy, this becomes your task. When my oldest son was this age (and only had his baby sister, and I was pregnant), we went to the playground every single day!
Swimming lessons, getting together with friends with little boys who are active, even long walks — schedule your week so that your priority is that he has at least two hours of physical activity a day. Yes, one way or another! Shove him outdoors in the rain with a bucket, give him a hole to dig, make him move wood from one pile to another.
One of the very best things I've seen was a sandbox a Dad made for his boys. It was a veritable shallow pit in his yard the size of about four of what most of us think of as sandboxes. There were a ton of trucks out there, and army men, and all sorts of things. I wished I had seen it about fifteen years before!
Do not let him be bored. A kid with five siblings can be bored — it's good for him — but an only child has too many opportunities to zone out, and it's not healthy.
3. Observe him and try to find out what makes him feel loved — what makes his face relax, what makes you both feel relaxed. How about reading out loud with your arm around him?
Make sure you read old and traditional books. Nursery rhymes and simple fairy tales are best, because they help a child make sense of the wacky adult world they are forced to deal with.
Does he need to wake up with a cuddle? Does he need a hug at bedtime? Walking in between you and your husband swinging arms? Telling him what a precious gift he is, how happy he makes you? Cutting his sandwich in a sailboat shape? How about just diagonally? Could you do that? It's amazing how happy a three-year old can be made just by having his sandwich cut diagonally. Somehow it just says “I love you” to him.
{My dear mother-in-law once confessed to me that all my husband ever wanted was to have his sandwich cut diagonally, but “I was just too busy to do it!” She didn't really say that with any irony…. Kind of makes you think, huh?}
I remember my father telling me over and over, “You are the apple of my eye, you are the whole world and everything in it!” It's like a song, you just keep singing it!
You don't have to get goopy-eyed saying it…you don't have to be able to picture the stars as God's daisy chain, if you Wodehouse fans know what I mean. You don't even have to be a particularly good parent to say it. You just have to say it in a moderately nice voice every once in a while.
4. Find a person who has a reasonable relationship with her little boy and try to imitate her. Watch your friend pat her son as he runs by, or give him a quick smack with no words if he is doing something he knows he shouldn't but isn't a big deal. Make friends with people who are good parents and learn from them. Use your hands to get him to where you want him to be. Smile at him with your eyes. Enjoy him — find something to be very grateful for and focus on that. Don't verbalize everything to your son. Let some things be unspoken.
Okay, this is all I got right now. If you've read this far, thanks for not minding that I didn't put more than one picture in!
Everyone go and give thanks to God for one thing about each of your children, and mean it. And then stop worrying about everything, okay?
By the way, when I get back for real, we've got to talk more about old books for kids that help you become a better parent. Remind me.
God bless you,
XOXO
Leila
*Michigan Momma* says
I can't tell you how good it is to be reminded (once again) to RELAX with my kiddos.Mine are all still little (7yob, 6yog, 4yog, 2yob, 3mob) and sometimes you just feel, um, *totally* overwhelmed. I start to over-think every single action of my wee ones and how they are certain to turn out as horrible children because I am obviously doing such a terrible job as their mother. Oh, sob, sob…..;)In reality, I'm a good momma. Not perfect, but good. I'm trying. I love my babies. It's just I need to be reminded every once in a while to stop….step back…breath and know that it's all okay….Whew…..thanks~Lori
Tracy says
A great post, Leila!
cindy in FL says
Leila,Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to post this. I also have days where I am "negative nelly" with my son, and I forget in all the chaos that he isn't just a little boy. He is MY little boy – my gift from God. I don't like when I am like this with my boys – I usually apologize to them and explain that mommy is having a bad day and I wasn't fair in yelling. Then I ask for a hug, for me, not for them. It is amazing how quickly our children forgive. Thanks for reminding me to talk to their angels. I have always felt the presence of my own angels (I strongly believe they are Donna, an older sister of mine that passed at 14 mths old, before I was born. And Aunt Bertha, a kindly great aunt who was developmentally challenged, but saw the world in such a beautiful way, she changed my perspective on many things during the short time I got to know her.)I never thought to transition my belief in my own angels to my boys having angels. And asking them to help me learn my children better. It was enlightening to me to read that.Just wanted to let you know that you touched my heart today. Thanks again – in answering Ann's comment, you have blessed many others, myself included.
Eternal Optimist says
A wonderful, thoughtful post. One of the sad effects of the age stratification and hyper-mobility of American society is that new parents are left without intimate contact with older parents. Daily contact with people that have been successful parents over the long term is an enormous help.Keep up the good advice!
Cass @ That Old Hous says
Excellent post! As I raised my children, I also found myself becoming the negative mom, and I purposefully switched gears — I resolved that whenever possible, I would say YES. Unless there was a legitimate reason not to, and legitimate reasons did not include my thinking their plan was goofy or not worth doing — that was their problem!It's how I ended up handing out ponchos and water guns during rainstorms, allowing sleepovers every Friday night in 5th and 6th grades, letting one daughter paint her room brilliant green, and letting them grow up thinking they COULD, rather than that they COULDN'T.So, yes, relax — please say Yes when you can — and say No when you need to (and MEAN it), and realize your kid isn't perfect, will make many many mistakes, and that's how it's meant to be.Good luck to all the young mamas!Cass
Hillary says
I love the part about using your hands to guide your child where you want them. Touch is so important. I find myself a dozen times a day placing my hand lightly on my toddler's head, steering him where I want him to go. He's walking on his own, practicing his independence by putting away his toys or shoes or getting a new book to read, but he knows his momma is right there.
Mother Hen says
Super advice!Boys do need to run in fields and chase dogs, a lot! Ask me how I know.
kellyquinn7 says
Beautiful post, full of wisdom!!
Domestic Accident says
I can't tell you how much I am enjoying these posts on raising and disciplining children. Your advice is so simple and right on. Thank you!
Charlotte says
I recently discovered this site and you are the answer to my prayers. What wonderful words of wisdom.
Crafty P says
ah yes, the guardian angels of our children should be some of our closest friends. thank you for that reminder.St. Josemaria Escriva used to say that when you are having a difficult time with someone and are about to say something not so nice, greet their guardian angel first. that oughtta do it!let me add one more thing, study your children and if you have a relationship with the Blessed Mother, ask for her help. She knows our children so very well b/c they are her children, too. these are good reminders for me.blessings for a lovely wedding this weekend!
Jules says
Great ideas! I am finding more and more that prayer helps me not be so negative on myself (don't we all have days of doubting our mothering abilities?!) and it helps me to be calm when the kids are not!
Christine says
Thank you. I am not the mother of that only child but I AM the mother of an only child who is 4 also and your post was something I needed to hear.
Polly says
This is just wonderful. Thank you so much for posting it (and reminding me that my toddler needs LOTS of physical activity!). I don't find myself getting negative, but I do find that my son is getting bored. (he just turned 2.) Do you have any tips–and if you've written them before, just link me up instead of rehashing!!–on keeping house with a toddler? My little guy helps me do chores but I always feel I am not doing enough around the house {full disclosure: my standards may be too high for this season of life, I don't know} yet also not doing enough to stimulate my child. I find myself cleaning and doing house-stuff and by the time I'm done (or I'm told to quit by my son!! :)) the lunch hour is nearly on us. So I'm still figuring that one out. your post is lovely. 2 hours a day–I think that should apply to nearly everyone!!!
ProLifeWife says
This is one of the BEST blog posts I have ever read!!!!! THANK YOU:)
Sue says
Right on, as usual! Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. Those of us who don't have a wiser, more experienced mom to learn from in real life benefit so much from your willingness to take the time to share, and the way you share your wisdom and experience is such a blessing! Thank you!
Mrs Bossy says
Water balloons, hide and seek, sand box… tons of fun. J. Dobson, R. Guarendi, K. Leman, L. Burkett, D. Ramsey, C. West, G. Chapman, L. Schlessinger, J. Gray, A. Von Hildebrand… for new perspective and relief from isolation & lonliness. Leila's blog, prayer, a good DVD. (And when you can't pray – music that reaches to the heavens!)… for a shot in the arm and hope.
Anonymous says
oh, Auntie Leila, you are so smart.Excellent post!xo, mary
reddhedd says
Good post…little boys really need to be way more physically active than most folks think, and its not enough that they "know" you love them; they have to hear you say it, every day. My boys have a drive to get dirty and/or wet while doing it…so an activity that combines water, sand, mulch, soil, leaves, etc is ideal! Digging holes, playing in sandboxes, splashing in a wading pool…and if you can stand it, let them add sand to the pool..for my boys, that was bliss! (My daughter less so…wet was good, dirty was not!)How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk is a great book. The premise is that our parenting goal is to raise children who are humane; compassionate, giving, respectful, honest, and hard working. The book gives real examples of the actual words to use…often times I can't think of how to say what I need to say on the fly…I needed the examples in the beginning until my brain learned the new speech patterns.Really changed the day to day parenting experience for me…a LOT less drama here; less talking back, more cooperation, more respectful verbalizing rather than hostile hitting. With 3 sons and a daughter, that's a big deal!
M. Alexander says
I know this is good advice because I agree with all of it! LOLIf one of my kids ever said, "Because I'm an evil, evil boy" (and they probably did) I would have about died laughing…. at least until we were both laughing. Oh overwhelmed Mom- you are going to have fun with him- enjoy it!
Joseph says
Oh, how I needed this!
Anonymous says
Recently my five year old (third of five children) asked me why I have to be so mean. i replied, "Because it is my job." He, just as quickly, stated, "It's NOT your job. Your job is to keep track of us!" As I was about to list all the things that I would be thankful to relinquish (grocery shopping, laundry) if that were true (while also not laughing myself silly), he began to add to the list, "…and make dinner…and take care of us…"Kids are a riot. if we can only keep the perspective that they are learning most things for the first time. The way water moves, the way things fall, the way messes are made…not so much about how they are cleaned up. When I am SO frustrated with the day and SLOW children I try to remember that they are moving at five year old (or eleven year old or three year old) speed. It isn't ADULT speed, because they aren't there yet!Wonderful post. Thank you for the reminder to get to Confession. 🙂
Lisa says
My son and his family, including my 3 yo grandson have moved in with me while they get themselves responsible and independent (very young parents), and this was such a helpful blog post. Thank you. I was a yelling and screamy kind of mom and I don’t want to become a yelling and screamy grandma. I do tell him, often, how happy I am that he is here and how much I love him. We’re still adjusting, with lots of organizational stuff to do. I think I will be nicer when these are done. Ya know? Thank you for preparing me for this change in my life. You have for months and months now.
Tina says
This reminds me I need to reconnect with ol’ Bertie Wooster and Jeeves. It’s fun to read for fun! I’m finding fiction makes me a much better mother, precisely because it does help me to relax! I mean fiction for me, not the kids — but for the kids, too, of course!