A few years ago I was asked to give a talk on disciplining children.
Of course, I was all for it, as I am always one to give advice (blogging is the perfect form for me :).
I wanted to tell the other moms how much I hoped that they would learn to show their affection for their children, to cuddle them, to shower them with their motherly embrace.
I wanted to tell them two important things:
1. To stop reacting to their children.
2. To stop seeking affirmation from their children.
I wanted to tell them to commit themselves to realistic discipline starting now, making sure their husbands were on board and wholeheartedly with them.
But I have to admit that in my enthusiasm I had to ask myself the question: what exactly do I base my ideas on?
Of course, there is experience. Check.
And study. I could submit a bibliography for sure. Check.
But really — what is an objective authority for deciding how to discipline one's children? As opposed to seeking advice from random moms, suspect Ph.D.'s, and self-made experts.
And I realized that I would have to show that my ideas are more than just my opinion; I had to show them that while each family is different, with astonishingly different temperaments, problems, backgrounds, challenges, and methods, the basic principle that children must be disciplined comes from God, the ultimate source of objectivity!
I mean, I had to answer the question for myself: does God discipline us? He is the Father, we are His children.
What means of discipline does God use?
Does He give time outs?Does He cajole?
Does He bribe?
Does He threaten?
Does He shower with affection?
Does He think we should just know that He wants us to be good and leave it at that?
Is He permissive?
Well, I have to say that experience and study show that He does indeed do all of these things —
— except hope for the best, as hope is a virtue not needed by Divine Persons and “hoping for the best” is a foolish policy when it comes to forming children!
But the other things, yes! … crazy.
But I really wanted to know what He says about discipline, as a principle. So I looked it up.
And here is what I found.
{Hebrews 12: 6: For whom the Lord loveth, he chastiseth; and he scourgeth every son he receiveth.}
And a little further in 8: {But if you be without chastisement…then you are bastards, and not sons.}
Ouch.
And a little further in 11: {Now all chastisement for the present indeed seemeth not to bring with it joy, but sorrow; but afterwards it will yield, to them that are exercised by it, the most peaceable fruit of justice.}
So for this week I would ask those of you who are wondering how to raise up healthy, happy children to pray about these passages, preferably with your spouse. Read the whole section, not just these passages.
Discuss and pray.
Wondering where this will go?
Here are some thoughts to get you started:
Go ahead and google what “discipline” and “chastisement” and “scourgeth” mean in the context of this passage. What is the Greek? Where else is it used in Scripture?
If these words make you uncomfortable, ask yourself how much your squirm factor may be due to false principles that we ourselves have been raised with in an age that does not value family, God, or following any goals other than self-fulfillment.
Note that this passage (Whom God loves He chastiseth) is taken from the Old Testament.
What does it tell you that the teaching here reaches back so far, to the beginnings of the collective memory, to shed light on how we become real sons of God, the New Testament promise?
What about this: that all discipline (as it is often translated) brings sorrow at first? How do we deal with this as parents? Are we realistic about this? Can we handle this truth? Where is our affirmation coming from at that moment?
And finally, how much do we want the “most peaceable fruit of justice” for us and our whole family, and what are we willing to do, as parents, to get it?
We'll talk more next week! XOXO!
Thanks to Amy at Finer Things Friday!
Thanks to Melissa at the Inspired Room!
And thanks to Ann Kroeker for the link on Food on Fridays! This is food for thought, hopefully! 🙂
Elise says
Great post!! And one that has been on my mind for quite some time. I used to think that I had to read all the Christian parenting books to either see what I was doing wrong, or why my kids are the way they are. Turns out, and I had this revelation right around Christmas, that I should go to God, the One who gives wisdom, and He will freely give it to me as well.Found you from Like Merchant Ships and I am enjoying your blog very much.Elise
Sharinskishe says
Thanks for your post. I am sure God wishes he could send me to time out for a long, long time!! 🙂 But I am grateful that he is always there for me and helps me as I raise my children.I love the photos you so creatively intertwined with your lesson. It is awesome!!Thanks so much for your encouraging and helpful words.Shari
Decadent Housewife says
Beautifully said. I agree, keep kneeling down and looking up.
Pippajo says
Two of the activities I cherish most with The Viking: discussing and praying. Nothing strengthens a marriage more. Thanks for your words of wisdom. Bringing children up according to the Bible is the only foolproof method there is!
Mrs. R, and Mrs. S says
Awesome post! Thanks for the bible passages, because as a parent we need all the help we can get. I look forward to studying them and seeing how it applies to my own little family. I can't wait for more. http://www.sweetttawanda.blogger.com
Chandra says
Great words of encouragement…it's tough when we try to do it our way. God's way is definately best!
Mrs. R, and Mrs. S says
Oh one other thing, I mentioned your post on my blog today, because it totally inspired me. Thanks a lot!Mrs Rsweetttawanda.blogspot.com
Mrs. Reverend Doctor says
Just a piece of advice on planting straight lettuce rows, line up the seeds on a piece of masking tape and plant the whole thing,(they grow right through the tape).
Leila says
I started those seeds in my containers on the deck, remember? :)I try to put a string out there to keep things straight, but…I didn't know the seeds would grow through the masking tape!
Rachel says
Your row may not be perfectly straight, but it's the perfect metaphor for your post. We are not perfect, but we can still grow and produce a yield – our children – to be proud of with a little help from above!I heart your blog.
Amy says
Great post. I can't wait to hear more of your thoughts about this. It is a hard balance to find. I pray for guidance on this subject daily. I often think of this quote from Abraham Lincoln when I think about disciplining my kids "I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go."
Amy @ Finer Things says
Excellent thoughts. Thanks so much for linking up with Finer Things Friday!
Domestic Accident says
What an amazing post. Thank you so much.
e&r says
Your post today echoes the past 25+ years of being home with my children. The past 10 years have expanded my dependence upon quiet prayer and the acceptance of peace. "Be not afraid" has become my mantra. Your post encourages these parts of me. Thanks.
Flower Patch Farmgir says
We have been struggling with some disciplinary issues lately with our 4 year old son. Ack! Your post was so timely for me – thanks for the encouraging post. I cannot fathom how anyone survives anything without God as their guide.
Jen says
I keep coming back looking for the next installment in what I hope will be a thorough series about discipline here. As I'm dealing with my 10 1/2 month old's now frequent tempertantrums, my mind keeps coming back to the ideas in this post, and particularly the verse from Hebrews 12:11. I just want to thank you–your post and the philosophy you shared have helped bring me some confidence, peace and direction in dealing with my little Matilda, and it's given my husband and I wonderful, and meaningful starting point to our now less hypothetical discussions about how we want to discipline Matilda and her little brother or sister coming in November.I can't wait to read more.
Megan says
I saw the title of your article and got immediately hopeful, because this is a topic I've been struggling with lately. Yes, I believe God disciplines His children, but what does God's punishment of His children look like? We are under grace, not the law, but does that mean that the Old Testament's "if…then…" approach to God's love and grace and blessing is out-of-date, or is that how He still interacts with us and disciplines us?In my personal experience as a Christian, it is "logical and natural consequences" that seem to be the form of discipline God uses with me.
Derek says
Did you ever elaborate on these points?:I wanted to tell them two important things:1. To stop reacting to their children.2. To stop seeking affirmation from their children.***These really tured a light on for me as I get a LOT of anxiety about my children's reaction to my requests/instructions. I think I am tough and find that I am a wimp/cave to negative reactions. Not so much they get what they want after a tantrum (teen style), but more just not wanting to follow through with stuff cuz I got the cold front reaction. I'd love for you to talk more about this or direct me to a link if you already did.RubberChickenGirl
Leila says
I think if you read my other discipline posts you will see more about it.But it's a theme of mine…so I will talk more about it!Also, did you read the spanking essay? It's on the sidebar.