After my brief medical intervention, in which the diagnosis was “?”, I have come to think that somehow I strained my diaphragm in a significant way. Apparently this is something that happens to people who work out strenuously, so it seems rather unfair that I should fall victim to such an injury!
Anyway, I'm resting, figuring out how to make mittens two at a time (yes, I have a lot of that brown yarn!), taking ibuprofen, and trying not to laugh.
It kills to laugh.
Maybe it's the right moment for a little Ask Auntie Leila. Here's a question I get on a regular basis:
“Is there something like Like Mother, Like Daughter for men?”
Other than the answer “who could imitate the inimitable,” I'm not sure that your basic male is interested in a “daddy blog.” Most men don't seem to want to spend endless hours discussing every detail, do they? They like to just get out there and do things. Yet, it's valid to ask about the collective memory for them, and where is the affirming conversation, since there has been a rupture for everyone, not just for women. Where are there role models and the fellowship? Who can they relate to?
(I know that many men do actually come here on a regular basis. That makes us happy!)
I've taken a little survey of a few guys to see what books and sites have proven formative for them, so I do have a short list of good resources. My criteria would be the same as for women: that the resource be intelligent and leave room for what Wodehouse calls “the psychology of the individual” — the vagaries of temperament — not shoehorning everyone into a particular mode. For instance, though he happens to sport a beard and has brewed his own beer since before it was stylish to do so, cigar smoke triggers the Chief's asthma — you can be a real man without doing those things anyway (and it's tiresome constantly to be subjected to a certain beard-cigar-and-brew style of “manliness” as the be-all and end-all).
So here are some ideas:
Just reading good, informative sites like Catholic Culture, the Wall Street Journal, Stratfor (geopolitical analysis), Realclearpolitics (a huge aggregator of news). [Edit: At first I said Politico, yikes, no.]
Further edit: my son Joseph was an editor at RealClear when I first posted this. Now he is Policy Editor at the Washington Examiner, and I find myself getting a lot of political news there.
Reading good books (the links herein are Amazon affiliate links; a little money comes our way when you shop at Amazon, so thank you): The good men I know read actual books. There are always the classics, such as the ones we cover in the Library Project — especially our book lists, one of which will introduce the reader to the work of John Senior. From thence one will go from the 1000 Good Books to the Great Books that undergird our civilization.
Some important books that randomly come to mind would be biographies of Winston Churchill, Witness by Whittaker Chambers, The Gulag Archipelago by Solzhenitsyn, the biography of John Paul II by George Weigel, Democracy in America by Alexis de Tocqueville, anything by G. K. Chesterton and C. S. Lewis. Many men have enjoyed reading John Taylor Gatto on education. Anthony Esolen's Ten Ways to Destroy the Imagination of Your Child can be an eye-opener.
Good spiritual reading would include the ones we've written about in the Library Project, a biography of St. Philip Neri, and one of my husband's recent favorites, The Wellspring of Worship by Jean Corbon, also mentioned in The Little Oratory, a book that many men have found decisive in figuring out how to lead prayer at home. St. Joseph is the greatest patron for men: I highly recommend this book, Joseph: Shadow of the Father, by Andrew Doze. It seems to be out of print, but perhaps you will come across it somewhere second-hand.
The books and site of James Stenson have proven helpful to fathers, although as an unmarried man (numerary in Opus Dei) he perhaps gives less attention than optimal to the foundational importance of the marital bond; nevertheless, we recommend his work.
As to blogs, we can recommend Bacon from Acorns. Since John Cuddeback is interested in “a philosophy of households,” his blog fits well with ours, I think. He is also involved with The Catholic Gentleman. You might like The Art of Manliness — but now we're getting into tricky territory, because some of our men point out that the art of manliness lies in not speaking of manliness… but hard times call for desperate measures, one might counter. This blog does seem to specialize in really practical advice, like how exactly to change a tire, and that you need to know how to do it. There's no question that some people need such particularity! As we've found!
Doing and making and fixing are excellent pursuits for any man — any book or site that helps him figure things out gets our “thumbs up”!
What to avoid? Just as with women's sites, I'd say that it's important to avoid two things: 1. anything that feeds narcissism, the fatal fault of our time; and 2. anything that causes anxiety by exploiting invidious comparison. It's one thing to encourage and demonstrate; it's another to present such an enhanced view of things that it only results in falling to an even lower level, like the ads in foodie magazines that feature opening cans of processed food (ever notice that?).
Donna L. says
I am SO glad you are still with us! I have not heard of *that* particular diagnosis….and I will add your name to our evening rosary for healing and patience–and for your family, too!
Thank you for having a list of reading material for our men–they need to feel part of a whole—Manliness that has a purpose…to defend and be chivalrous, even when it feels no one else does that anymore~
God bless you and keep you-
Mrs. B. says
Ouch, I didn’t understand you were in serious pain! But the first thing I thought when you said “strained diaphragm” was that you were singing with too much impetus 🙂
I don’t know too too much about it, and I think my husband is an even more cursory reader, but I always thought The Art of Manliness does for men a bit of what you do here for women: it’s a lot about recapturing the collective memory that went thrown out of the window. Ladies sometimes need to be reminded of how to take showers, and men of how to change tires, I guess 🙂 I do agree that the breadth of that website is narrower than yours though.
Have you read H. Mansfield’s Manliness? Would you recommend it as a gift to men?
Also, thank you for reminding me of Prof. Cuddeback – he always falls through the cracks of my reading habits, and I forget about him…
Take care, and happy knitting!
Ngofamilyfarm says
Oh I hope you heal up quickly and your pain subsides. Praying for you today!
-Jaime
P.S. Love the series of photos of your beautiful grandkids!
Kate says
Yes, let’s avoid tiresome male stereotypes! My husband is bearded and smokes a pipe, but he doesn’t brew beer (not worth his time when Trader Joe’s is handy). He doesn’t watch or play sports (although he does bike) and he isn’t handy. He doesn’t grunt or answer in mono-syllables; he’s actually great at communication. He’s a very hands-on father and helps me with homeschooling. He reads more than I do. He sings tenor in a choir and listens to opera. I can’t think of any blogs that would suit him.
Have you seen a chiropractor? That’s always my first visit for these things – the least invasive and then work up the medical ladder.
Robin says
I don’t know if this would help anyone, but early on in our family life, I found that audiobooks in the car helped my children to read certain books, and I could listen too, so that we were all on the same page, as it were, in stories, and we could talk about it. It also established fond memories (“remember that time when you had to pull over because you were laughing so hard at Huck Finn?”)
When my husband would get in the car to drive (say, for Sunday Mass) a book would come on and he would grump about ‘all those British voices’.
My young daughter, at the time, decided it was time to educate Daddy. Using her girlish wiles, she convinced my husband to give Narnia a try, since he had been raised to believe that all fantasy fiction was bunk, and possibly spiritually dangerous. She got the audiobook from the library, so he could listen on his commute.
He became hooked, and has since moved on to whatever good books/spiritual talks that we can find on CD for him.
My points are two: consider audiobooks for their commutes and maybe some groundwork has to be laid for them to appreciate the good books.
Stephanie says
Robin, I love that it was your daughter who turned him into a Narnian 🙂
Gwenny says
Thanks for the point about certain blogs promoting only a certain type of manliness! Why are beards such a big thing now? My husband has never and I dare say will never grow a beard. To each their own!
Tia says
Yes! I pray my husband never grows a beard, would not suit him at all.
Sara says
Thanks for the suggestions, Auntie Leila. My husband is a big reader, so I’m always on the lookout for books for him – he has enjoyed several of your past suggestions, including Little Britches (which he read aloud to the kids) and Pieper on the cardinal virtues (he went on to also read his book on the theological virtues – he loves those two books!).
I asked him if he had any other suggestions to pitch in, and he had a few: WALKER PERCY (emphasis his), Peter Augustine Lawler’s books (especially Stuck with Virtue), St. Francis de Sales, Thomas Costain (historical fiction), He Leadeth Me by Fr. Ciszek. Relevant to fatherhood, something he read a few years ago and still talks about is Character Building by David Isaacs, which is a systematic treatment of the virtues and the periods of childhood to which they are most “developmentally appropriate” (obedience in early childhood and so on). For DIYish, he really enjoys Gene Logsdon.
On a different front, but related to other matters discussed here lately, let me also put in a plug for chant. I think there’s something about the contemplative and text-focused nature of chant that can appeal to men. My husband often listens to recordings from the Solemnes monks, Clear Creek Abbey and the Institute of Christ the King. In his case, it’s led to starting a garage schola with a few other guys (all from different parishes) – they sing for a handful of Masses around our diocese every year.
Stephanie says
Be slow and patient with yourself as you heal! Thank you for this post! My husband is in the military and I often feel he is up against some very STRONG male personalities at times, where he is deep down a guitar singing, nature loving free spirit. I really TRY to make him feel like king of the castle HERE. Our men need us to be their cheerleaders!As for reading, I am much more bookish than my husband but I have found a great trick is the old “I will leave this stack of books here” and then “ho hum let me put this one right here by his chair.” It works! He found The Abolition of Man earlier this week just kind of..there. God Bless!
Leila says
Thanks for the well wishes!
For the record, I am answering a question here that is in the spirit of “my husband is interested in reading something that helps him with husband/father life” — and not strategizing on ways to get him to read these things.
That’s another question 🙂 I like some of these ideas, but let’s remember — men are much less open to being nudged into doing things than women are, in general. So don’t sabotage your efforts! Just kidding.
But for any men reading, know that I am openly just suggesting all these ideas.
NY Mom says
Great post idea, BTW.
My husband has reached that phase in life that actually allows him to read leisurely at night and enjoy it so much that he falls asleep doing it. He began years ago, pre-computer days, with politics – he’d get himself a subscription to the Conservative Book Club and keep it going it until we began to run out of bookshelf space. That segued into a series of hybrids – material that addresses politics, theology, and contemporary culture.
I find that men seem generally more willing to first read politics, instead of some contemplative spiritual piece, because it’s material they can use socially and practically, while driving around in their trucks and having coffee breaks. I recommend the free, excellent quarterly publication “Imprimis” from Hillsdale College. If you have a reluctant reader, put it in the bathroom library and archive those back issues in there.
Currently, he’s enjoying “Drinking with the Saints”, and I do strongly recommend books that take a lighthearted, humorous look at life as palate-cleansers. I’ve also found that instead of having conversations with ME about fatherhood, he’s more likely to have them with our sons, who are themselves now fathers. It is true that men are wired to engage differently than women do about the deeper things. More frequently, we are having success by simply printing out a good article from an online source (e.g. Crisis Magazine) and passing it around our family. An article is far less intimidating or a time commitment than an entire book, and there’s that immediate opportunity for sharing that presents itself.
Three titles that he not only enjoyed, but talked about with amazement and appreciation, and passed around to others, are “The Death of Christian Culture” and “The Restoration of Christian Culture”, both by John Senior (absolute highest recommendation), and more recently, “The Global Sexual Revolution” by Gabriele Kuby. Mind you, these titles lay cheek-by-jowl with “Small Engine Repair” and “The Complete Book of Potatoes” (he grows them), but eclectic selections do make things interesting.
Dixie says
There’s also “Principles” from Christendom College, similar to “Imprimis” but from a wholly Catholic point of view. It’s great and free: just go to getprinciples dot com.
Dixie says
(“Wholly Catholic” wasn’t quite the right term, although now it’s making me laugh as an unintended pun! There have been one or two excellent pieces by serious-minded non-Catholics included. It is from a Catholic college and editorial board, though.)
NY Mom says
One last thing – I recommend two small prayer books for men: “The Father’s Manual” by A. Francis Coomes, S.J., a small book of prayers for dads. Also, Paul Thigpen’s “Manual for Spiritual Warfare”. You could say that they’re less books and more spiritual Swiss army knives.
Madge says
Thanks for this, Auntie Leila! My husband neither drinks nor smokes so is usually the odd man out in the Catholic man circles. Thank you for these suggestions. I had forgotten about ththe Bacon for Acorns blog…yes I think that is very similar to LMLD. A compliment for both of you. 🙂
Mary says
That series of pictures of your grandkids just had me laughing so hard! You could make a little wordless photo book or something with them. Hilarious!
Anamaria says
“Most men don’t seem to want to spend endless hours discussing every detail, do they? ” Ha! Yes! Very true even of my extremely talkative and verbal husband. Thanks for the list! He’s alternating between The Stripping of the Altars and some sort of fiction right now, but I sent it to him for ideas.