This past weekend I had the great idea to take advantage of the visit of Deirdre and the family to stage a little photo shoot of a sink piled with dishes and topped off with a high chair tray.
It had come to Auntie Leila's attention that some moms with lots of kids don't know how to overcome certain difficulties with the chore of doing dishes, and right away I could see the issue…
Needed pictures for a good old-fashioned DON'T.
But I forgot.
In general, I think you can come to some conclusions from my clearly child-less and possibly redolent-of-retirement-living-with-nary-even-a-teenager-around photos.
First, it's true: I am no longer in the midst of the chaos of bringing up seven children. I am taking advantage of the briefest of windows between mayhem and senility to try to transmit what I alone have survived to tell you. Then grandchildren come and it all flies out of my consciousness!
Second: Clearly even with the hours that stretch between meals and the opportunity to bring my life into streamlined glory, I am still a person with not much storage (in the kitchen — I do have a ginormous house that swallows the detritus of long-gone children without a hiccup — alas and please come rescue me). The upside is that you can see that — even now — I'm not one of those spic-and-span housekeepers with utterly empty counters (how, HOW do they do it??). So you can relate.
So now I am going to tell you two things.
If you want your children to do dishes, you need flow in your kitchen. I already have an excellent post about this, in which I poured out my primest thoughts. It has pictures and diagrams and is a masterpiece of clarity. You should absolutely study it.
Go ahead. Go think about it in terms of your own set-up, whatever that may be. My kitchen is far from perfect! Doesn't matter!
F L O W — clean – dirty – clean. Don't forge a new path every night. Make the path once and for all.
Why? Because if you are tempted to run screaming from your life every single night as you face the dishes, just imagine how it looks to a 12-year-old!
No wonder that kid hems and haws and has to psyche himself up. These “recurring problems” — like doing dishes after every meal — have to be subjected to a process, a system, a set of previously thought-out steps.
Okay, are you back?
My new rule for you: Don't put the baby's high chair tray on top of the dirty dishes in the sink.
This is what is making your kid die a little every night. It's what makes the whole job take so long — the piling.
It's wicked unfair.
Either get the baby out (we call this “deploying the crack-cleanup team” — one to wash him with a warm washcloth, face and arms, and another to wipe down the chair itself — don't forget a dog to clean the floor) and clean the tray at the sink before the general cleanup begins — this makes sense because usually baby is done before the meal is over — returning the tray to the high chair, everything nicely spiffy…
or leave the tray at the high chair until the general cleanup is over, doing it last. Just shove the whole thing to the side. But don't forget it, ew.
But do not put it in the flow. It's too big! Look! It doesn't fit in the sink! Even without a photo of a believable post-prandial mess! (And this tray is smaller than most.)
Get this kind of soap dispenser:
I have had this for 30 years. Why do I love it? Because it's heavy and doesn't tip over easily. Because when it does tip over, it doesn't break — it's heavy pottery. Because I can get soap out without picking up the bottle with my other hand. Because I can replace the pump with one from any bathroom soap dispenser (which then has to be sort of cemented in, which you can see there that we've done, maybe a little messily).
Where do you get it? I don't know… my neighbors got it for me as a souvenir from their Alaska cruise (random but very appreciated!). Do you make pottery? Make us some of these!! Just pay attention to the size of the top.
A lot of us would really like the kid doing the chore to… use… dish soap.
But it's hard to figure out how to do it as you are in the throes of washing when you need both hands.
Another thing: Figure out where you will stage things.
You can't handle a sink full of dirty dishes and neither can a kid. You need a place where you will put away food (that's someone else's chore, by the way!) and stack things so that they are scraped and ready for the dishwasher or soapy basin.
Know how to do dishes and then teach your child how to do them. Don't just burden him with a problem that you yourself can't solve.
All this is explained in that post! Go read it! Read it before you comment, because all the details are there!
But now I have something else to tell you about this chore, something that my friend Therese was telling me the other day. Something that also addresses that vexing issue of how you are dying to go to bed but somehow, for some reason, your older kids can only bring themselves to talk to you after 10 pm.
Suddenly the deep dark concerns come out… so late… so desperately late…
Well, Therese was telling me how her mother (of 8 children) always “helped” whichever kid it was who was doing the dishes. She didn't want to have a dishwasher (machine) because she knew that it was during that time that the conversations would happen.
She remembers one sister or another saying, “Therese, I'll do the dishes with Mom tonight.” And that was so they could talk.
You don't have to get rid of your dishwasher, but do realize that much of the time, not only do you need to be in there to be directing flow, putting away food (so that you can put it to best use later as a good manager), and overseeing this not exactly easy chore — you will also have a chance to have a little conversation with your child.
Yes, that moment after supper is sometimes when baby needs to nurse, and you can send in an older child or Dad to take your place in the kitchen. But as you get good at this game we call parenting, you can also use the time when others are clearing up to nurse the baby and then hand him off to another child for play or bath… just at the opportune time to be there for the kid who needs you by yourself.
Some nights, it's not deep consultation, but just singing songs, and suddenly you'll have a lot of help! And even if the kid is there by himself, it's okay because it's a doable chore. It's not the aloneness that is terrible, it's the impossibility of the thing. Which you are now mitigating.
That's family life together. The very things that seem like the worst drudgery create the best memories — when there is someone loving who will put thought into how it will go.
Donna L. says
Thank you, Auntie Leila for such a thoughtful post!
We were without our dishwasher for several weeks {awaiting parts for a repair} and discovered the “talking and laughing while doing the dishes” fun that we had! I found the kitchen cleaner, and the dishes dried, put away and the sinks cleaned out as well. It was a vast improvement, in my opinion!
Then, there was the mostly-good-natured teasing from my Husband that I used every pan and bowl in the house to make dinner that night–so that was funny!
Dianna says
I use a quart sized Mason jar with a pump for my dish soap. You can find the pumps at stores like Jo Anns, on Etsy, or now on Amazon. Have a handy person make a hole in either your mason jar’s lid (or some of the kits come with pre-drill holes): either the tin flat lids with a ring or a plastic replacement lid work. I picked up a nice old fashioned blue tinted jar, but a clear glass jar would look nice. This has the added advantage that it’s enormous and even with having 20 extra people over for dinner once a week for the past three weeks I haven’t had to refill it.
Katie says
I just this month got a pump and lid to fit a mason jar, to use for dish soap! It’s a lovely improvement over the plastic bottle (even though I’d peeled off all the labels and text). I had plenty of jars sitting around, and yes, I simply ordered the lid/pump from Amazon for about $7.
Ally | The Speckled Goat says
I’ve really got to get on this. I have two blue mason jars – I’d love to use one for hand soap in the bathroom and the other for dish soap!
Angelique says
I don’t have a dishwasher, and even with all the dishes I have I don’t have a drying rack anymore…unless you take it apart and wash it every week it just grows mold (and mine was always in use). It works much better for me to just use a dishtowel and make my unfortunate minions dry everything right then. I’ve gotten prett good at knowing the best ways to stack everything.
My grandma had a saying “The meal isn’t over til the kitchen is clean.”
I agree working together is the best time to talk…and belt out Frozen songs. 😉
Becka says
I love all your good suggestions and helpful tips. Wish you had been around when my children were small. 🙂 Glad you are here now to help all the young moms.
Grete says
I love you posts about the “simple” aspects of housekeeping, like this one about cleaning the kitchen and dishes. It seems like it should be so easy, but if you don’t have that system and flow and you have a family that must eat meals every day, it isn’t so simple. I feel like we are in a good groove now, with a good flow, and everyone good at their kitchen jobs. We have a place to put the food that needs to be put away, a way to stack dishes for rinsing and then loading, a spot for the hand wash stuff to go until last. In case anyone finds this useful: assigned jobs for our kids are, step 1) everyone clear the table, step 2) these can happen concurrently, 10 year old: wipe the table and counters, 8 year old, load the dishwasher, Dad put away food, 6 year old sweep the floor and make little piles for 5 year old to sweep into dustpan, 5 year also takes out recycling and dirty towels to laundry, Me oversee and wash dishes that don’t fit in dishwasher.
Ally | The Speckled Goat says
Ah the recycling!! I always forget that chore. Good idea to put it in the kitchen clean up routine!
Cathy L. says
Your chore list is very helpful; thank you for sharing 🙂 I always like seeing how other families divide up chores among the various ages. I don’t always know if my expectations for certain ages are appropriate or not, so I find it helpful to see what others do. I like how you have sweeping as a joint effort for a couple of the younger ones. I’ve been trying to figure out where to incorporate my three year old amidst all the older ones for morning chores, and this seems like a perfect fit for her! We have the house broken into zones, and each person (including myself) is in charge of a particular zone. Once a child finishes tidying their zone, they are (in theory) supposed to sweep it. Having the three year old collect everyone’s pile just might keep her from just floating around, making messes in everyone’s zones 😉
Julie says
Thank you for once again reminding me that I should put my offspring to work. They’ve been doing the basic clearing/wiping/sweeping but they need to learn to wash, too.
Hannah Hilgendorf says
YES! So I had to glow when I went back and read your post about flow, because that’s how I do it.
My favorite part, however, is dishes conversation. When I was still living in my parents’ home, there were several of us still there (5-7; now down to 2!), and we were always paired up for dishes (although sometimes lunch would be assigned to just one person). After dinner, especially, whoever was doing dishes would turn on some music and sing along loud until Dad would yell at us to quiet down. But most of all, we’d talk. About anything and everything. Sometimes we’d collect another sibling or two halfway in, not helping, just talking (which in the end, really does help things go more pleasantly, if not faster). I remember dishes duty fondly as sibling bonding time, and look forward to sharing that with my own children.
Therese says
Hannah, I just want to ditto your comment and add that some of my favorite times with my kids occurred cleaning up after dinner. We had a flow that still happens when they come back home. The fun thing is that, even now, they all want to be in the kitchen at that time. The music begins and there are many a time that even dancing erupts. I smile just thinking of it. It is what being family is all about. Little kids’ chores turn into young adult joy filled memories. Those memories go a long way and can bring about new future memories… Family!
Fun post Leila, couldn’t agree with you more.
Leila says
Thanks, Therese!
Thanks for letting me steal your ideas 🙂
Laura says
I love how you put things that we have all experienced and come to appreciate… into words! Or an entire post for that matter! So practical and so true!
I have many memories of washing dishes with my sisters after dinner. I’ll have to remember your tip, though, to join in the ‘fun’ when my kids are older because I am not a night person so, although I was the first to plague my own mom (apparently, she didn’t get your memo because after dinner was always her time to sit and chat with my dad 😉 at 10 pm with deep, life issues, I would rather not be on the receiving end of such discussions at such a late hour…
My favorite piece of advice, probably because it’s the most relatable to my life at this moment, is the point about the high chair tray! I could not agree more with everything you said!
Cathy L. says
I think it’s ok for parents to do the whole “sit and chat” thing, while the kids do kitchen chores. My husband and I do that here and there, and it’s good for all of us. For one, it’s good for my husband and I to make that one-on-one time to be with each other, without the kids right under our feet. That doesn’t happen without a concerted effort these days, with six kids, ranging in age from 11 to 2. It’s also good for the kids to see us do that, I think. Nothing provides that safe, comforting feeling in kids like a strong, happy marriage, after all. For another, it’s SO good for us as parents to see the kids working and interacting well together. There’s something about working to accomplish a task (even a disliked task) that brings people together. It’s almost as if the task becomes the enemy, rather than each other, and the sibling bonds grow and stregthen because of that. Often, my husband and I will go lay on our bed and talk about the day, while the kids have kitchen duty after dinner. Since our bedroom is right off the kitchen, we can still hear and keep an eye on things. Many times we sit there just listening to the kids chatter, sing, and/or visit, and it is very encouraging for us to see that take place. It helps us see the value in having a large family, and what a blessing siblings are for each other, and for us. My personal favorite is when the kids break out in their Magnificat chant. They learned it on our Lenten prayer walk we did at the beginning of this Lent. It’s a military marching style chant, but with a Catholic, Latin song. They get to singing that, have so much fun working together, and finish up in no time. My husband and I always beam a little, and chuckle when they do that.
Having said all that, though, there are also many times when dinner cleanup is a family affair. It’s rare that it is done by one person alone. Sometimes that happens, depending on the days’ circumstances and whatever particular phase our family may be going through (I almost always opt out if I’m newly pregnant, or big and pregnant ;). But, most of the time, it’s a group effort. Sometimes it’s all of us; sometimes it’s the kids and me; sometimes it’s the kids and their Dad; sometimes just the kids; or just my husband and I. Either way, whether it is all of us, or a few of us, whoever is involved always benefits from the comraderie that inevitably takes place 🙂
Leila says
Laura, sitting and chatting with your husband is fine 🙂
The most amazing thing about families is the uniqueness of each one. When we use our smarts and try to figure things out, the most amazing creativity and originality emerge… no two families are alike. It’s not about comparing, it’s just about getting motivated to do what we enjoy and what brings us joy, in the family!
Julie says
“That’s family life together. The very things that seem like the worst drudgery create the best memories — when there is someone loving who will put thought into how it will go.”
I love this post! I just had my middles help me dry the dishes tonight. They were so excited and such a big help. My son actually said “Let’s do this every night!”
Leila says
Haha, Julie, well played 😉
Lauren says
This is so so true. I have the best memories of doing dishes with my dad. He passed away 3 years ago (I am only 29) but I have so many good memories of doing dishes with him and talking! And he would make us a hot breakfast every morning and do the readings with us before school. Those moments really matter!
Marie S. says
It’s nice to see I’m not the only one who has fond memories of washing dishes as a family every evening. In fact, every now and then, my parents consider getting a dishwasher… and we (three grown kids with families of our own) tell them not to bother. We would miss the bonding time too much, especially since it now comes mostly on holidays and special occasions! Also interesting to see the “flow in the kitchen” post. Never really thought about it, but we are doing pretty much exactly what you show in your diagram, as our kitchen (at least the sink/dishwasher) is laid out similarly. We have more cabinets on the right, though, so plates and glasses are there (except coffee cups, which are above the coffee maker).
Caitlin says
I need to have more children!
Leila says
Caitlin, this comment makes my day! 🙂
Melanie says
“I am taking advantage of the briefest of windows between mayhem and senility to try to transmit what I alone have survived to tell you”
Bwahaha! This was too funny. And I read it to my husband, who doesn’t seem to get it. Of course, he is 11 years older than I am and is probably already slipping…
Jennifer says
I usually do the main clean up myself after everyone clears their own space because I know how I like to do it. But, whoa, I need to let that go and embrace the opportunity to do it together. Thank you for this calming post about dishes and thank you for Therese’s wisdom. It’s the basic, simple things that often need to be pointed out to me!
Also, my mom always said cleaning up the kitchen together with her cousins and aunts after a big gathering was so much fun. 😊
Amy says
This is random, but thought you would enjoy the article.
http://www.theguardian.com/education/2016/mar/15/children-learn-play-age-eight-lego?CMP=fb_gu
Jill Campbell Farris says
I sure do love your writing and the way your brain works, Leila. Wish mine worked the same way!
Thank you for pointing out the obvious; that small things matter because they influence the way we function in our home.
I think you need to title this post, “Miracles in the Mundane” because, yes, even stacking that gross high chair tray on top of a sink full of dirty dishes can frustrate our little home- keeping minions.
Libby Jane says
Something here led me on a little rabbit trail to an old post on your friend Theresa’s house. It was so lovely–would you ever do another on her home?
sarah marie says
Just re-read this post and it got me to get my kitchen nice and clean before heading to bed. My littles are still too little to do more than clear their plates, but I remember oh so many conversations with my own parents over dishes.
My home is in a post-Holy-Week-war-zone of sorts, I currently have a broken bone in my right foot, and I work afternoons and evenings making most of the tasks that other mothers do while their children nap or sleep seem monumental. Auntie Leila, if you can make me feel as though I can do it {and then promptly get up on my broken foot and do it}, you can do anything!
Thank you for the encouragement this blog always provides!