I promised you a little series on “getting ready to get ready,” aka “thinking about Advent” — and I know you will forgive me for not having the usual random and disconnected photos to go along with this post, as I am not at home.
Maybe you will survive with a low-image-quality-high-cuteness-content baby photo.
Do you know what is the most important event in the history of the world?
The Incarnation of Christ. The moment in time when God became man; commonly called Christmas.
This is what I want to tell you about Advent today, so you can have it in the back of your mind as it slowly dawns on you that Thanksgiving is next week… and then Advent starts three days later.
You could panic. That is what I usually do, and my panic is never actually helped by being told that there are one million activities I could be queuing up. Back in the day of raising my kids, the more activities I heard about (and here let me breathe a sigh of relief that the Internet, much less Pinterest, had not been invented), the more inclined I was to curl up in a little ball of paralysis, thinking only about how much I'd like to read a novel. I’m actually quite able to do a craft or nourish a tradition, but the sense of an impending deadline coupled with the burden of coming up wtih activities generally made and makes me less disposed to do anything more than what I already must, and not even those things.
(Also by the way, school — home or otherwise — still has to happen during these weeks, and I personally am not able to figure out how to add much to school, chores, meals, and reasonable bedtimes as well as do my Christmas shopping/crafting.)
(Also, as I have told you before, three of my children have birthdays in December, related to the fact that they were born in that month. I simply mention that to emphasize the hardship of giving birth in this inconvenient month and then having to celebrate birthdays in this same month pretty much forever.)
Maybe this syndrome is temperamental and I am way less capable than most women. Entirely likely. But maybe it’s also an intuition that something as important as the celebration of even a high holy day ought not to require a continual pep rally, so to speak.
In other words, are we tempted to base how we experience this time on how we feel, specifically on how frantic and/or ecstatic we feel? (Worse, do we try to get our loved ones to feel a certain way? I will address that later.)
I’ve noticed that Catholics and many other Christians have begun to remember the liturgical, as opposed to commercial, celebration of the seasons — much more than when I was searching for how to live my faith. That is awesome.
Yet the general tendency, greatly aggravated by our modern mindset and its hold over us, to emphasize how we feel threatens to derail what could be a good trend. Even if we don't think of ourselves as particularly modern, we retain modernism's imprint, thinking that our reaction to things, measured by our emotions, is the only sign we can trust.
Are we spending a lot of time and energy (and, actually, money*) watching ourselves feel something about Advent? Are we busily monitoring how we are doing with our religious efforts? Are we taking note of whether we are taking note? Very importantly, are we experiencing defeat when we don’t have what we consider the right feelings — the ones that the (well intentioned) people want us to feel?
Yikes. How to escape from this dangerous state?
Perhaps you could apply my parenting maxim (one of two**) to yourself: Don’t Seek Affirmation. In the case of our children, we should be affectionate, firm, and act for their good, without expecting them to register any particular emotion at the time.
What if we apply this thinking to ourselves? Instead of expecting affirmation from our feelings, we might try just worshiping God as He wants to be worshiped.
The whole of salvation history could be summed up, from our point of view, as trying to figure out in our fallenness how to accomplish the worship of God. What the Church offers is… well, the answer to how to bring our desire, deep in our heart, to offer worship God in line with the gift that God has given us in the Church.
The answer begins for us at Christmas.
The event of Christmas — the Incarnation — isn’t just a nice holy day — it is the turning point of every single hope of the human heart. The hugeness of all this challenges us (in the words of Romano Guardini), to renounce our own ideas and our own way, and “follow the lead of the liturgy.”
And that is what Advent calls us to do, and has to be for us, now (now is the acceptable time!): to orient ourselves to this momentous reality.
All I’m trying to say in this little post is that the Church has provided us with all we need and we don’t have to manufacture any feelings about it. Follow her lead in worship. That is, follow her in the celebration of the mysteries, the readings appointed for each day and each hour, and the prayers that gently and peacefully direct our gaze where it needs to be. Be attentive: Wisdom!
Bring this objectivity into the home with simple, liturgy-related traditions (and yes, a few little crafts, perhaps, and I will touch on those later) that appeal to you and your husband. Keep things old-fashioned so that, paradoxically, they remain timeless and universal. Make your devotions few and meaningful to your time and place. (E.g. if you are Swedish, then go for the daring St. Lucy crown of lit candles on a toddling girl's head this December 13, but if you are not, don't worry about it too much.)
Even traditions can devolve into distracting activities if they are not carefully connected to the life of the Church. Activity becomes busyness, busyness eclipses worship, and Church becomes not an altar of worship but a center for the administration of programs. Instead of turning to the liturgy as it uniquely guides us in its serene dispensation, every problem that we perceive calls forth its own special remedial program! We are in a sorry state of literally having programs to organize our programs, but very little in the way of actual worship.
However, we are made to worship…
This Advent, let's learn to trust the Church to lead us to the star over Bethlehem.
We’ll talk about it some more, don’t worry.
_____________________________________
*We probably will need to buy some things.
- Get candles here for your wreath. Get a sweet calendar here. Maybe download Universalis to get familiar with the Liturgy of the Hours. (A one-time charge gets you full access.)
- All the propers and readings for Sunday Masses can be found here. (I'm sure these can be found elsewhere as well, including on the Universalis site. You want to be sure that you are finding the Propers as well as the readings, because they reveal the mind of the Church for the day/week/season, and this way you will pattern your spiritual life on hers.)
- The Little Oratory: A Beginner's Guide to Praying in the Home — the book that will help you live the Liturgical Year in your home, with simplicity and beauty. Advent is the perfect time to start!
** Don’t Seek Affirmation is the first of my maxims. Part of doing right is that you don't always get to see immediate results. The second maxim is Act, Don't React. It's related and I wrote about it here.
Amelia says
Can you vouch for the quality of those candles? I got an ordinary cheapo set last year and it was quite a disappointment, with horrible drips and burning way too fast. I was thinking I’d have to spring for handcrafted beeswax but the price is right with that set!
Leila says
Amelia, I haven’t ordered these but I am going to. The ones I got last year were flimsy. What made me link to these is that they are not expensive and have the “fitted” bottoms — and are made in the US.
Allison in a comment below leaves a link for beeswax candles — those sound lovely. Also, I am going to go out on a limb here and say that one could use regular beeswax candles (not dyed), which would probably be cheaper, and put purple and pink ribbons on the bases. Not sure all kids would go for that sort of fast-and-loose interpretation…
Jana says
Ikea sells tapers in boxes of 12 that last and do not drip. The catch is that the colors are seasonal, so you have to buy the pink in the spring/summer and the purple in fall/winter.
Mrs. B. says
A few years a go, tired of drippy candles which ruined the wreath and the tablecloth if I wasn’t careful, I bought a few sets of Advent candles from Root Candles. They look more expensive now than when I bought them, but they are wonderful, and very big, both thicker and taller than your usual set, though I have the classic metal ring as my wreath base, and they fit just fine (http://www.rootcandles.com/advent/)
Also, at the homeschool conference we go to every summer we found a set by Illuminated Ink I bought not knowing exactly what to expect: http://www.illuminatedink.com/products/2/14/623/ These are beeswax sheets the kids roll up to fashion the candles (their recommendation for ages 13 and up is ridiculous, our kids were 8 and 9 the first time they did it and it was perfect) – I was surprised at how good these candles were, long-lasting and not messy at all. Again, more expensive than I’d like, but the children love watching them burn knowing they have rolled them. Their products are sold in some stores, if anyone is interested: http://www.illuminatedink.com/store_locator/
I also have a box of purple Ikea candles for spares, which I use when the candles of the first set I use are exhausted. Some years they are great, some years not so much. This method makes the wreath look not that uniform, but it doesn’t bother me at all.
Stephanie says
Leila! Thank you! I want to second your book, it is so gentle in helping mamas just LIVE the liturgy through the Little Oratory. If your space in your home is carved out, a simple purple cloth could even allow children to wonder with that change. I get too excited and chatty sometimes as these seasons approach, this is such a sweet reminder to WONDER with the child…and that means counting our words! I see it too! It seems more and more of my non Catholic friends are keeping Advent! The stores dont wait a second to put up things but I think many of us can build a different culture in our home. Those brothers are adorable! God bless!
Leila says
Thank you for the book plug! I appreciate it.
charla says
Auntie Leila, can you recommend some music suitable for our family to play during both the advent and Christmas seasons? We love to play music throughout the day and I struggle to find really nice, liturgical music, or even just good music well suited to the season. Do you have any suggestions?
Cami says
If you stream Pandora through a Blu-Ray player (or on a computer), you can stream the station called Christmas Choral Classics. Stations like these play a lot of sacred music you’d hear at a fancy, traditional Christmas mass. Play around in there too- you might even find a station based on your favorite song.
charla says
Thanks!
Amelia says
I’ve struggled to find much Advent music myself, but the CD “Advent at Ephesus” by the Benedictines of Mary, Queen of Apostles is lovely. I agree with Cami’s Pandora station recommendation for Christmas music – very handy!
charla says
WOW! I just downloaded this album on Amazon–it’s amazing! It’s free for Prime users if anyone else is interested.
Annalisa says
Ooh, thanks Charla. I signed up for the free Prime trial to rush some shipping before a road trip this summer – and then I FORGOT to cancel in time. So now I’m glad for any way to benefit from my expensive effort to save money. This is perfect.
Mrs. B. says
It is very difficult to find specifically Advent music. Years ago I bought on Amazon this CD: http://www.amazon.com/Osnabrücker-Jugendchor-Johannes-Natus-Sacred/dp/B017IWOUW6
It’s a mix of Advent and Christmas, and it’s wonderful, we love having it on during the day, and even during dinner in the background. Try eBay for cheaper options.
Libby Jane says
Leila, we do love you so!
I just cannot keep up with social media in any way, but I can chime in once in a while here!
I have established a little Oratory,a nd we are doing morning prayer together, briefly, every day! And the children have not revolted! I think they secretly like it.
I love advent, and can just pull out my box, including those great O Antiphon pages, extra from last year, and we are good to go. An oasis of preparedness!
It is not very pretty yet. It is full of lumpy handmade things and an extremely battered resin God Shepherd. My barrier to the Little Oratory was the need to pray around it. I wanted something we could be aound, and gather around, and linger over. So it is on a tray on an end table between seats in the living room, and I pull it out and put it on the coffee table when we do morning prayer. Usually I neglect to lay the good shepherd down, and he falls over. He is pretty tippy. He is now like an ancient marble statue, heading towards torso only.
My question: what standards of conduct are reasonable to expect from kids? The preschooler passes out things, and snuffs the candle, and plays legos, and the big kids participate. He is better than the Bigs. Mostly, they really do quite well, but what about when they don’t?. Fidgeting, lying on the couch, singing strangely, randomly flailing a leg at one’s brother…. I have been holding my tongue unless they are really disruptive, and trying to give a general pointer before the next time, instead of afterwards or during as a critique! Like, pointing out that we pay attention and worship with our bodies as well as our voices.
Same question in church. Can they sit and stand and say nothing, not sing? At what age does it become inappropriate to lie on a pew, or color through the whole service? You have said to just bring them there and do it together. Do you ask them to do it also? Or make them? Or let the implicit invitation ride?
I don’t want to pressure or coerce anything. Also, I do not want them so distracted by their own misbehavior or fidgets that they do not have a chance to hear, or sing with heart! At home, we need them all singing, there are only a handful of them!
And I don’t want to kill the possibility of it being a pleasant or joyful experience.
It is really good overall, just wondering where you draw the lines.
It is also all better when their dad is home. They just automatically behave better! That fine, careless way of fathers, you know. Is that magic, or normal, or a sign that I am too lax?
He is both more gentle and more strict than myself, and they respond to a look!
I have let them hear lots how much I love praying with them, and how great it has been for my and our days.
Thanks! Sorry for leaving such a saga in the comments!
Laura S. says
Oh my. Thanks for the links. I was stressing about when I’d find time to get to the only store (at least 1/2 hour’s drive away) where I could find advent candles, between now and Nov. 29 (my son’s birthday also being on Thanksgiving). Duh! Amazon Prime, a mom’s best friend. Love the sweet advent calendar, too.
Allison says
Thank you so much for these gentle reminders about Advent! My little family has been celebrating Advent since we became Anglicans years ago, now Catholic for the past two years. The liturgy was definitely one of the main reasons that we joined the Catholic church and I have loved slowly adding to our family celebrations as we learn through the year. This link is to the Beeswax Candle Company which is a store that is local for us and they make beautiful Advent sets. We had a set last year that lasted through the whole season and my kids loved how the candles burned leaving a little “crown” at the top since they are not solid (not rolled either so sort of hard to describe). They are $19.50 for the set, but personally I think that they are totally worth it if you can make the budget work. http://www.beeswaxcandleco.com/honeylight-beeswax-advent-sets/
Andrea says
I’m new to this blog, but I really like the part where you say, “Even traditions can devolve into distracting activities if they are not carefully connected to the life of the Church. Activity becomes busyness, busyness eclipses worship, and Church becomes not an altar of worship but a center for the administration of programs.”
For the past couple of years I’ve been striving to declutter and minimize my life (in regards to possessions and activities). It has helped me in all sorts of ways. Our kids are still young and I’m a convert, so we’re still trying to figure out what our traditions are. I want them to be meaningful. But I’m also trying to balance what we should do without becoming too busy or feeling like we’re going through the motions to check something off of a list.
I’m hoping to select a few things I would like and have them available, but not *having* to do them- only if we want. It also seems like even within Catholic circles there is a lot of focus on celebrating saint days and doing fun activities. There’s nothing wrong with that per se, but it seems like the concept of “preparing” and treating advent like a mini-lent is sometimes lost with the hustle and bustle and “fun”.
Libby Jane says
We get stokmar decorating wax, which comes in a rainbow of colors, and you can press right on to the plain beeswax candles and decorate them beautifully. You can do just ribbons or spirals or plain bands of the purple and pink, or stars or more complicated things.
I have also taken plain tapers and dipped them in a single layer of colored wax. Use a pot that you can sacarifice to candlemaking. i just have a few cheapies I knab at thrift stores. Melt beeswax or parrafin or a mix (i save candle drippings) and put in all the broken crayons of the appropriate colors, minus the wrappers, of course. The crayon colors are quite dense, so it doesn’t take too much to get great color. i like a few metallic ones for a glimmery shine.
Don’t heat wax too hot, or it can combust. Just melt it till it is nice and liquidy. Practice dipping with candle ends or chopsticks so you don’t have to use a whole good candle figuring out how to make it smooth.
Robin says
I offer here my sympathy for your December birthdays. I have two ‘native’ December birthdays, and then my oldest had the nerve to marry someone with….what?…..another December birthday. I have since placed a moratorium on this nonsense. ;o)
Kim says
For those who are fortunate enough to live reasonably close to a Trader Joes- they sell nice Advent calendars for $1 !! Plus they have chocolate inside!
They do sell out quick!!
priest's wife @byzcathwife says
It is so important to focus on liturgical living! We Byzantine Catholics (and Orthodox on new calendar) begin Advent on November 15th every year so that there are 40 days of fasting… we have our Advent chain and we have started our Jesse tree- but I know I will be tempted to use Roman-rite materials when your Advent begins! There are so much beautiful things to do- but I shouldn’t, so that we can focus on our simple life. I do think we will supplement with Holy Heroes Jesse tree- maybe…it might be confusing
Mrs. B. says
What is the Advent chain, if you don’t mind explaining? Thanks!
priest's wife @byzcathwife says
we make a paper chain- one link for each day- St Nicholas day is also marked- the kids can visualize how many days until Christmas https://www.instagram.com/p/-NTlH8tA9U/?taken-by=anne_boyd
Mrs. B. says
That’s a good idea. It makes me think that the Jesse Tree could also be turned into a chain: you lose the sense of verticality, the growing from the roots, but it could be an idea. Then when it’s done it can go on the Christmas Tree.
I like the Byzantine idea of Advent as a 40-day seasons.
Tara says
Thank you for this – the emphasis coming from Catholic companies to have the “BEST ADVENT EVER” just make me want to poke my eyes out. It’s setting up a feeling of failure if you can’t complete all the crafts or miss a day of prayers or whatever. The goal isn’t to have the best season ever, it’s to increasingly orient ourselves toward God.
Mrs. B. says
In our house school is very light in December, so we can make room for Advent without going crazy, then nothing at all for the Octave. After that, we begin again gradually. I haven’t seen our studies suffer from this, so I keep doing it. I also try, like so many others, to accomplish gift shopping as early as possible. Our only Christmas-related birthday so far is at the beginning of January, so that’s not a problem!
I sure hope crafting occupies a very low position in the economy of salvation, because I don’t like it. Even as a child I had a deep dislike of paper, scissors, glue, etc. We have used beautiful coloring pages in the past, though one of my kids doesn’t really like that either (Michele Quigley has wonderful O Antiphons and Jesse Tree images http://michelequigley.com/blog/)
I think this year we will focus even more on the liturgy, as Leila suggests. Not just the Jesse Tree as a means to learn the history of Salvation, but the prayers of the Church. I think we may even do less school than usual to focus on the Hours and immerse ourselves in the language of Advent. I have no idea what good will come from this. I thank Leila for her thoughts on the need to trust something other than our feelings (if that’s a good way to summarize her thinking…) – I think we want so much to be reassured that what we do counts, that what we do is pointing in the right direction. So yes, what better assurance than following the wisdom of Mother Church?
Sharla says
I have heard (in pro-life circles) that the Feast of the Incarnation (in flesh) is actually the Annunciation, not Christmas. It makes sense, but I see you called Christmas the Incarnation. Which is correct? I trust you to figure it out for me ;)!