One of the things we talk about here at the LMLD virtual kitchen table is babies!
I have the urge right now to say a couple more things* about nursing babies. (You know why it's on my mind.)
Before we can even discuss this lively issue, we have to touch on the reality of how you are feeling after you have the baby. So today's post could be called “the reasonable postpartum time” and tomorrow I will get to those nursing thoughts. (Don't worry, we haven't forgotten the wedding posts. We'll resume shortly with those!)
Now, Kate Middleton apparently feels so great after having a baby that she can put on Barbie-worthy high heels, stand with fabulous posture for the length of an entire royal photo-op holding her baby with no more support than the lightest touch of her husband's fingertips under her well toned arm, wear a fabulously light dress, and not be seen with any knitting of her perfectly shaped brows.
We have two theories about Kate. (By we I mean Sukie but I am obsessed have turned this over in my mind quite a bit as well.)
1. She actually had the baby a week before. (It occurred to Sukie when little George was born. It wouldn't have entered my mind, but this time around I'm very conspiracy-minded.) I can barely imagine looking that good after a week. Barely. It's possible. (Not for me — but for her.) The baby herself looks at least four weeks old in the photos I saw, but let's posit a vast plot to hide the actual birth for a mere week to give them the chance to toddle out there. I still call a substantial load of manure on the heels. I guess you'd run into issues with birth certificates and such — I mean, the baby will have this putative birthday, but surely someone will cast a probing eye on the documentation.
But Sukie points out that it's hardly worth being a Royal if you can't fudge something like a birth certificate.
2. She really is superhuman. The evidence in support of this theory is, well, everything. Her hair. Her glowing skin. Her preternaturally elongated body, so suitable for displaying form-fitting fashions. Her wildly inappropriate footwear choices for traipsing over lea and brea in New Zealand or Scotland, emerging later not looking like she is going to brain someone with the business end of a stiletto'd pump. As we would do.
Either way, can we forget Kate? Let's just put her out of our minds.
Also, let's put far from us that friend we all have who ran a road-race three days after the baby arrived. She shouldn't have done it. Not that she couldn't (she obviously could), but that it wasn't good for all the rest of the ladies that she did.
Like Mario Andretti observing speed limits, her aim should have been to serve the common good. And that means not running that race just then — or for us to banish her from our minds if she did.
In order to get a good start with this baby, you need to assume that you won't be running any races in high heels and that you will be wearing your maternity clothes for six weeks. And that each and every thing you wear will be nursing-friendly. Everything. Yes, even the pretty outfit you wear to the baptism.
Pro-tip re: clothing postpartum: Assume your wardrobe will go in reverse order from your pregnancy. You don't have ever to look at those things you wore in the last four weeks, thankfully, other than the next time you procreate.
Isn't it terrible how little fits at the end there? When you are seven months pregnant you think “Okay, this will be okay, I've got this, my belly isn't crazy big.” But no. Unless you are over 5'6″ — which of course Kate is (if you really want to torture yourself you can wikipedia her body measurements) — No. By 36 weeks your belly will be outrageous and your clothes will be a) nonexistent or b) somewhat absurd.
But you will need your maternity things from just before the extreme belly days after the baby comes. And, if you are just pregnant now, it's worth it to try to find loose clothing that opens in front. Because you will need loose things to nurse in.
What I want to tell you here, across from you at the kitchen table, is this:
Postpartum does NOT mean “the day after you have the baby.” It means “one week after,” “six weeks after,” and also “six months after.” Those are your milestones. When you are in sight of one, re-adjust and think of the next. Keep moving that target out.
At 18 years postpartum, I'm willing to let go of some of my expectations.
Well before you hit that six-week mark with baby (still postpartum, remember), you will find that you can dip into your looser things that you wore earlier in pregnancy, and then one day (not soon; again, because not Kate) you will be wearing normal clothing again.
Two points (ignore if your initials are KM, Duchess of Cambridge):
1. You will almost certainly never wear your skinniest things again — not because you are fat, but because your actual bones have moved further apart, as we like to put it, and
2. If the season has changed, this all becomes more complicated, but still.
Think maternity/loose, not skinny/tight — for sanity's sake.
Far better to discover that your maternity pants are falling down — yay! than that your skinny jeans are still too skinny — boo.
In general, make it easy on yourself to postpone any reckoning of bodily changes by what you are wearing and what you choose to do, physically speaking.
So now you are coming home from the hospital in your fairly attractive, loose clothing, with easy access for nursing. You can sit up for a bit if you want, but what Auntie Leila really wants you to do is… go right to bed or at least lie down on the sofa. Later you can sit up. You will know it's time when you really want to sit up! And likewise, you will know it's time to move around when you can't stay put any longer. I am hoping that some of your lovely friends have set up a meal train for you…
If they haven't, struggle through as best you can and resolve to start a St. Greg's Pocket as soon as you are able, with dinners for all your friends. You will see, your turn will come. Until then, muddle through somehow and accept any help you are offered.
Does it make you anxious to think this way? Can you examine why? Do you not like the thought of needing and accepting help, of resting, of letting things go? Can you know that it's for a good reason, that is, getting a good start with the baby, which is what we will talk about tomorrow — and that I will bet you that even KM, D of C, went home and rested, out of the camera's eye?
Here is a little note for your husband: Make sure your wife is rested. Read tomorrow's post. Tell her she's beautiful. Figure out what is for dinner and give it to her on a tray in bed. Very soon she'll be up and about. For now, help her let go of her anxieties.
Tomorrow: What I really want to tell you about nursing the new baby.
_________________________
*You should nurse your baby. You should breastfeed your baby if you can, and I think you almost certainly can. Maybe you really can't breastfeed. But every mother can nurse her baby. That means cuddle, hold, and in general understand that nursing the baby isn't reducible to a delivery system for nutrition — rather, the milk is a vehicle, if you will, for getting to know and love your baby. It also happens to make him grow.
I've already posted a bunch on this topic. You can go read or re-read the posts for some nitty-gritty details (and lots of the comments are greatly informative as well). But the key learning here is this: Hold your baby and nurse him. If you are feeding with a bottle, make up your mind that you — and only you as much as is humanly possible — will feed your baby in your very own arms.
Annie says
Oh, Auntie Leila, this is why you are an actual Godsend to all us young mothers out here. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I was sitting here at zero-dark-something (hello West Coast), nursing my 4 month old, and actually laughing out loud at the whole “Kate, Duchess of Cambridge” bits. Even my husband looked at me bleary-eyed over coffee – poor thing, he just doesn’t get it. Whenever I see a picture of Kate looking perfect, I say a prayer for her.
Thank you for reminding me that I am still postpartum and to take it just a little bit easy on myself. May God reward you abundantly for your wonderfully sage, and well-tested advice
mary v. says
Oh, Auntie Leila, as the mother of six children myself, and being twelve-plus years postpartum, I laughed until I got tears in my eyes as I was reading this post, and then–I cried real tears. Yep. You’ve got it. Moms-to-be and new moms, listen up! Take these words to heart! And for moms like me who are experienced, let’s re-dedicate ourselves to supporting new moms with these ideals in mind. I have two married daughters and three more daughters ages 16, 14, and 12, so I think I’m going to have plenty of opportunities to put into practice these oh-so-realistic ideals you’ve put forth. Love, love, LOVE your humor!!
Katie says
Love this! Seeing Kate reminded me of the first La Leche League meeting I attended way back. An experienced mom there was British, and she was talking about how in the UK, the expectation is that on day three postpartum, you’re out there dressed nicely, pushing baby in the pram. She was bringing this up to illustrate that it’s ridiculous , but I couldn’t help remember it when I saw the pictures. I do have to add that I tend to *feel* really awesome after my deliveries. So I tend to be up and about the house more just because I feel like I want to be. I definitely don’t look like Kate, though, LOL!
Isabelle says
I haven’t found it to be so (living in the UK), maybe it has changed? When I was trying to walk about three days postpartum, I met a few kindly old ladies who invariably asked how old the baby was, and then ordered me to go home that very instant! 😉
Katie says
This woman had older children and this was eight years ago so maybe outdated? Or just inaccurate. I, at any rate, stay in stretchy, comfy clothes and let people bring me meals for as long as possible 🙂 I tend to have an endorphin rush for a few days before the exhaustion sets in!
Lindsay says
So true! After the birth of baby no. 3, my midwife gave me and my husband a stern talking-to. She said that I was to stay in bed for one week, and nurse the baby. That’s it. I was not to chase the toddlers around, or clean the house, or make meals for visitors. Stay in bed, nurse the baby. My husband took her at her word, and made me follow her orders. I hadn’t done that with either of the first two births, and what a difference it made! Week 2, I was ready to get up and re-join the family’s rhythm and chase the toddlers around.
Rosie says
Yes! After a few pregnancies I finally realized that I’d be a LOT happier with myself post partum if I planned out what I’d be able to wear at that point while still pregnant – I aim for clothes that will hide a 5/6 month pregnant belly. Roomy dresses with wrap openings or buttons (I leave unbuttoned and layer a nursing tank under), scarves to hide lumpy nursing pads, leggings & tunics… Nothing with actual structure until at least a couple months after baby is born!
Marylynn says
I know all the jabs at Kate Middleton were tongue in cheek, but I feel the need to point out some things in her defense. First, that she likely had a team of stylists prepping her for the photo op. She was probably lying in bed as her hair and makeup team worked their magic. Second, she is trained to walk in high heels and smile through any discomfort. After hundreds of public appearances, she could certainly manage a few minutes of waving and smiling for the camera. Third, I think any of us would make a monumental effort if we knew the world would be watching.
Let’s have some compassion for a mom who had to go back to work the day after giving birth (since making appearances is her job). I certainly understand how frustrating it is for us “normal” moms to see her looking so effortless, but we must make allowances for differences in situation. Some of us are up and walking, some are back to fixing dinners, some have to travel soon after birth, and any number of things others would not feel up to.
We would do much better to celebrate the successes of any of our fellow mothers, whether Kate or our next-door neighbor. These comparisons, even in jest, are what the mommy wars are built upon. I say all this respectfully, as I enjoy your blog and agree with the main point of this article. I just felt it went a little too far in singling out the Duchess.
Kim says
Thanks! You said what I was thinking!
Lorraine says
And remember ladies, that Kate Middleton’s job is to look terrific all of the time. It is what she is paid for, and what her public expects. She has lots of help with wardrobe choices and dressing. After the baby photos, she dashed off to a huge home on the Queen’s Sandringham estate where I imagine within a half hour of arriving she was out of that beautiful dress and into sweats. And she hasn’t been seen since and is well out of sight and protected from the cameras.
At least that is how I imagine is what happened and while I am imagining things I also imagine I would look just as fabulous myself if I were the Duchess of Cambridge with all her available resources.
I agree about the new Princess Charlotte. No way that baby was a newborn only hours old.
Leah says
I dunno…my fifth child was 2 weeks, 1 day past due and quite large. He practically walked out of the hospital himself.
Katie King says
Six babies have done so much good for my body image: seeing my body grow, expand, produce life and then settle back over some months into a womanly figure (roughly the same weight as when I began) is still somewhat miraculous. I had more trouble staying at a healthy weight BEFORE babies! But our bodies are fearfully, wonderfully made, and accepting the little changes in my own shape has helped me to let go of all these crazy expectations. Be gentle on yourselves, ladies! Take care of your babies, be moderate in your eating and exercise, and it all falls into place.
Mrs. B. says
I’ve had 3 C-sections and no natural deliveries… it takes me forever to feel normal again. Sleeplessness doesn’t help, does it? On the other hand, I hate the hospital stay so much that once I’m home there is nothing sweeter than taking care of a few, usual things – you know, as a welcome change from nursing, and then nursing some more 🙂 I love the feeling of being useful around the house again.
I’ve gone up a clothing size with every child, and at 16 months post partum I’m still looking somewhat pregnant (the bit about breastfeeding doing wonders with weight loss is a total fraud, if you ask me…) When I see the Duchess I marvel at her, and at any woman who bounces back so fast: I think there is something wrong with me, not them!
Melissa D says
(3 C-sections here, too — my babies are all outrageously large and breech, every time. I blame my dear husband, who weighed 13 lbs at birth! )
Leila, this info is so good. Expectations in the media are so, so strange for postpartum mothers. Is this because women are marrying and having babies later? Is there now a decade between 20 and 30 where false information is allowed to take hold, root, and explode?
After my 3rd C-section, I had some complications that made just getting to the bathroom from the hospital bed an excruciatingly painful, 6-foot journey, with screaming. Getting out to walk around was something I just couldn’t do, especially because my pain med needle had come out in my sleep and emptied painkiller all into the bed instead of into me.
And then I had a female OB (not my usual one) come in and tell me I needed to “man up” and get out of bed and start walking, and that insurance wouldn’t cover a 4th day in the hospital. If I could have managed to move a muscle, I would have thrown something at her. And shame on her for not realizing that there could have been other reasons (PPD, etc) for why a newly postpartum woman wouldn’t get out of bed!
The new cultural expectations and portrayal of motherhood, maternity, the birth process and postpartum issues feel like an alternate reality sometimes. When really it’s the most important reality this side of heaven. And even the needs of childhood are being covered over with a scrim. It’s a tragedy.
Mrs. B. says
Melissa, what a story! I’m told doctors want to see a woman up and walking asap after a c-section because they are terrified by the possibility of clots. With my 3rd they even wrapped some contraptions around my calves that made my first night even more hellish than usual! I had to insist that they had to come off… It’s been my general childbirth experience that many doctors don’t know how to treat women normally, as in a person-to-person relationship – their professionalism is exaggerated and often not tempered by simple human wisdom. I wonder if we have to “thank” trial lawyers for this state of things… The nurses are the opposite, and one senses that their training did involve how to take care of a person as a person.
Melissa D says
What’s funny is that this was a female doc, from an all-woman practice. She should have known better! The male pediatrician who came in right after she left saw my face, sat down and talked it over with me, saying “oh no, she DIDN’T say that” in horror — and got the charge nurse for me on his own so I could complain, AND changed my baby’s diaper while I cried. My son also had 2 holes in his heart, so, you know, it was rough all around.
I don’t know what the OB’s problem was. I mean… I can forgive her, of course… but those first postpartum days can be so, so hard. Educating doctors and nurses on how to care for women just after birth helps, but medical care is so regulated it can’t approximate the “village” care women used to have. I see this overall as a sad result of later marriage (or none), later 1st pregnancies, and fewer kids all around. The most normal of life events has become a black box, mysterious and starting to be seen as “if you do X, you’ll definitely get Y.” (And blaming those who don’t get Y.)
Katherine says
Heh. Oddly (and perhaps sadly) enough, the closest I came to that village-type care *was* at the hospital. Sure, some of the nurses were not especially warm, but most of them were, and several of them, not to mention the patient care techs, were really awesome. I remember when I got that first shower postpartum, I came out to find that my bed had been remade with clean sheets, my pillow fluffed, my water pitcher refilled with ice water, DD in a clean diaper and ready to eat, and that amazing tech asking if she could get me a snack. I almost cried. I had never before or since been treated like that when I wasn’t feeling well. I wanted to stay there for a week!
Rozy says
To Katherine: Me too! Whenever anyone suggested a home birth I told them if they would come clean up everything and take care of me for a few days I would be willing to give birth at home, otherwise I’d be in a hospital with somebody else doing the “dirty work”.
Mrs. B. says
Wow, Katherine! Are we sure that wasn’t an angel, or something?? I have liked almost all the maternity nurses caring for me, and have deep gratitude for some of them, but this beats all my experiences! What a beautiful memory.
Katherine says
It really was. During some of the worst times in DD’s first year, I’d think back to that afternoon and try to remember how it felt to be safe and cared for, with competent help a buzzer away. It helped more than I suspect that tech ever knew.
Mrs. B. says
Yes, they are very hard days… and not very rational, either! But honestly, I don’t know how I would react to a community taking care of me… Mostly, I just want to be left alone with baby and husband. One problem has always been that I viscerally hate it when other people want to touch my babies… My MIL, who came to help with our first, complained to my husband that she couldn’t touch her grandson! Another problem might, just might!, be that I am a shamelessly picky eater and so it’s not a big help when people offer to bring dinner, lol! Blessed be my hubby, I’m a difficult person!
Suzy says
oh my goodness, I hate it when other people touch my babies too. And I’ve always felt so horrible about it, but it’s like a chemical/hormonal reaction? if the baby is not laying on my chest or nursing, something feels wrong. A couple came to visit our last baby, and they didn’t bring anything, they just wanted to sit and hold the baby. Baby was fussy, and they kept kissing her FACE and hands, and I started sweating and mild panic! After 20 minutes of me “being nice” while my milk letdown, I forcibly took her from them “she needs to nurse” and went and wiped her down with a washcloth and took her to my room and told my husband to get rid of them. I don’t let his mother come to visit, she will do nothing but sit and demand to hold the baby while I serve her. The worst is when heavily perfumed people hold the baby and then give baby back, and they smell like someone else. Thank goodness for moby wraps and slings at church – baby is sleeping on mommy and no one tries to take him/her. I guess I’d rather have no help than have someone come “help” by holding/keeping my nursling from me all day.
Jenny says
Oh, Someone else has this affliction! I can *smell* when other people have held my baby and it makes me terribly upset. It is this weird hormonal response. My in-laws were the worst because baby returned smelling like a foreign alien.
And why does ‘help’ so often mean, “I’ll sit and hold the baby while you, the postpartum mother, do all the work.”
Mrs. B. says
My poor MIL would wear lipstick and kiss the baby… lol! It would drive me all crazy inside, and I had to force myself to keep being polite! Postpartum really is a wild ride…
Ngofamilyfarm says
Hi Melissa,
Same experience here with my third c-section, although it was a nurse pushing me to take a walk around the whole maternity ward (Just over 24 hours out, when I literally couldn’t even sit up -hello!! And I’m one who wants out of the hospital stat!) I also keep the pounds on while nursing. I’m eight months postpartum right now and my maternity leggings aren’t getting put away any time soon 😉 But I have a lot more peace with things this time around – in the end, it works all together for our good (of heart, of spirit, of mind). I’m really grateful to read the words of others here who share my experience. Thanks for sharing.
-Jaime
Saiorse says
Chiming in as a mom with 4 enormously breech c-section babies – with my first – I had days of labor before my first not only turned breech but also went into distress. I was not in good form and literally threw a well intentioned resident out at the suggestion of walking day 2 post partum. My best friend who was visiting laughed until she cried. I did walk with my others – but I didn’t labor with them. I buy all my pregnant friends a nice pair of black yoga pants and a loose shirt – and tell them they will understand later. Half have worn it home from the hospital!
Melissa D says
Oh. My. Goodness. What women need isn’t a birth coach — it’s a bouncer to throw out all the jerks during and afterwards! 😀
Kelsey says
Mrs. B, since you mentioned still looking a bit pregnant – have you looked into the possibility of having a diastasis recti (abdominal separation)? I’ve not had trouble losing weight after my two children, but I definitely have a pooch, and am generally weaker and more prone to strange aches and fatigue. Since discovering that I have a fairly severe diastasis, I’ve begun a physical therapy program to heal it. I do think that this problem is rampant, and under-diagnosed. Here’s a good resource for more information – I hope it’s ok to post the link here! – http://fit2b.us/how-to-check-for-diastasis-hd/
Mrs. B. says
Thanks for this, Kelsey, I had no idea! Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to be my case… I think I just eat too much, it’s my awful way of coping with a baby’s demands on me….
Betsy says
I just read a great book, Diastasis Recti, by Katy Bowman (http://nutritiousmovement.com/blog/). Full of lots of great info about what causes DR and how to fix it.
Aimee says
Auntie Leila, your asterisked postscript just reduced me to tears, even though I am now 2.5 years postpartum. That is the first time I’ve ever heard anyone say something that kind regarding breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding. I won’t go into the gory details, but my history with breastfeeding is long and torturous. I have always felt like a big failure when I finally had to admit that my children were getting ill and I needed to give them a bottle. But even though I couldn’t breastfeed them the way I wanted, I always nursed them. I was the one who fed them almost every time. I snuggled them close to my breast, I kissed them continually, and smelled their little heads and stroked their cheeks. I’ve just never heard of anyone calling that nursing . . . thank you for that.
Katherine says
I want to gently point out a couple of things:
–Not all of us are blessed with babies who want to be held while mom lies in bed. Unless she was eating, DD would cry unless she was being walked. Period. Even now, some 14 months later, she still loathes holding still for any length of time. As it was, I’d walk her until I was just too tired to go on, and then sit down, turn the TV up loud enough that I could hear it over her shrieks, say, “Sorry, kiddo, but mom needs a break,” and that was it. No doubt it sounds awful to moms of peaceful babies, but DD never did do “peaceful.”
–Likewise, not all of us have husbands who can help out very much. DH’s job doesn’t allow for him to just stay home for a week and chase toddlers. It doesn’t now, and it never will. I suspect that’s true for more careers than not. I honestly don’t know even one guy who could just take a week of vacation without planning for it months in advance. Unless the delivery is a scheduled C-section or an induction, babies can pretty much come anytime between 38 and 42 weeks. It’s one thing to say four months in advance, “I’m going to be out of the office from June 2 until June 9”; it’s another thing to say “Sometime in May or June I’m going to take a week off, and you won’t know when until I walk out of the office.” Do I think this is how it should be? Not at all! But that’s how it is in the US, and will be until dads get parental leave of some kind.
–Re bouncing back so fast: I honestly think of Kate as a kind of inspiration. I note with amusement that last time she caught flack (not here, of course!) for daring to show that she still had a baby belly a few hours post-delivery, and now she’s catching it for wearing, I’d guess, some sort of shapewear and generally looking good. I’ve never been and probably will never be model-thin, and those heels make my feet hurt just looking at them. However, since I don’t have any kind of help post-baby, I can either sit on the couch and feel sorry for myself, or I can treat motherhood like the “job” it is: get up, pull on some shapewear, get dressed, put some makeup on, and get to it, and the next thing you know, I feel better overall and can do more. I very much hope my daughter has more support than I do–sisters or me in the area, for example–when and if she has babies, but if not, at least I’ll have taught her how to deal with a lack of it.
–Lastly, I honestly wonder if the Catholic women who write about how nearly anyone can and should nurse have any idea how psychologically and spiritually damaging a faith-based approach to it is to another Catholic woman who couldn’t nurse. Of all things, nursing and natural childbirth and Catholic moms who wrote about why they’re “God’s Plan For My Motherhood” was what pushed me the closest to leaving the Church. Why? Because the natural extension of that belief is that my daughter and I weren’t following God’s Plan, and we I should have died horrible deaths (either in childbirth, since she was transverse and couldn’t be rotated) or, in her case, of starvation since nothing I did made me produce enough milk. I didn’t leave because actual Church teaching says nothing of the sort, and I just clung to that as hard as ever I could and kept going to Mass. I came very, very close indeed to leaving, though. If anything, next time I may not even try nursing. It’s too easy to fall into that pit, and it would probably be best to avoid it entirely.
Melissa D says
Wait! Leila is very clear here and elsewhere about *nursing* being different from *breastfeeding.* She’s using the term in the old way, more the way we’d think of cuddling and holding and “loving on.” And she’s encouraging the kind of community that can circle the wagons and help moms get the rest time they need, whether a husband can take time off or not. 🙂
I mostly see the smugness (about natural birth) you’ve experienced in moms who are less connected to the moms and births all around them and more invested in a birth plan of their own…. it’s just another kind of insularity. Fewer children all around mean fewer birth stories, less awareness of the breadth of experience and also the commonalities of postpartum issues. And that goes for husbands, too — she’s just reminding them to be grounded in real needs, free of the expectations the media portrays so strangely.
(Triple c-sections here b/c of huge breech babies — so I know how hard it is when moms talk about natural childbirth as God’s own plan. I would have died and nearly did via that plan.)
Katherine says
A quote from the above article: “You should breastfeed your baby if you can, and I think you almost certainly can.”
See, I heard this here. I heard this from LLL leaders. I heard this from lactation consultants. I heard this from nurses. I heard this on virtually every conservative/orthodox Catholic mom’s blog out there. I read this in every. single. book. I read about Catholic motherhood. I read this, for God’s sake, in a Catholic mother’s prayer book, complete with comments about how moms who didn’t breastfeed didn’t do so because they didn’t care enough about their babies to spend that much time with them. Nice.
Yet no one could tell me what I was doing wrong; all they could tell me was “if it hurts, you’re doing it wrong” Me: “Awesome, then what am I doing wrong?” Them: “I don’t know.” Me: “This is infinitely worse than any post-C-section pain. I didn’t need narcotics for that. I will if I’m going to continue latching her on.” Them: blank stares, or further unhelpful remarks about how it “shouldn’t” feel like that. Well, it did.
All they could tell me was, “Well, if you just relax and lie in bed, your supply will increase enough.” Yet they also told me I had to pump after every feeding. So I’d nurse for an hour+, pump for 20-30 minutes, wash the pump etc, and do it again. Oftentimes, DD would wake up while I pumped, and cry because I didn’t pick her up. I’d sit there pumping, tears running down my face because my baby was crying, I wasn’t picking her up, and I was in so. much. pain. And they never did answer how I was supposed to spend all day in bed, even assuming I wasn’t pumping. I had to eat sometime, and DH doesn’t cook. Someone had to grocery shop. Someone had to at least get the dishes washed and put away. Someone had to take care of the cat. Someone had to drive DD and me to our various doctor’s appointments. Someone had to do the laundry–in my first two weeks postpartum, I sweated off all the extra water weight, so I would soak through my clothes 2-3x/day. Really, it seems to me as though this magical “you stay in bed and nurse and someone else does everything” is only available to very, very upper-middle-class stay-at-home moms who come from stable, geographically-close families and/or can afford to hire a postpartum doula or other help; it sets an impossible standard for the rest of us. Throwing Catholicism into the mix doesn’t help, because it adds a nasty (and unnecessary) spiritual burden to that struggling mom: you can nurse if you just try hard enough, if you’re a good Catholic mom you will, and if it doesn’t work it’s because you don’t know what you’re really feeling/you didn’t try hard enough/you didn’t love your baby enough/you didn’t follow, and I quote the title of the best-known book on the subject, “God’s Plan For Your Motherhood.”
I cannot imagine I am the only mom out there whose experience was like that.
Kelsey says
Katherine, I am so very sorry that this was your experience. I, too, struggled mightily to nurse my first baby. I literally thought I would die with every latch, and my daughter was not transferring milk or building up my supply. I ended up pumping exclusively for two months, which was exhausting and demoralizing. I was finally able to transition her to the breast, and still nurse her at almost 22 months. The problem was a tongue and lip-tie, but it took various diagnoses, laser surgery, cranio-sacral therapy, and lots of (literal) blood, sweat, and tears to make it work. I doubt I would have persevered if she wasn’t my first and only child.
I say this to demonstrate sympathy – because I totally understand your feelings – but also to express my thought (and this is rather presumptive, since I don’t know you) that the help you received was inadequate. You sought help, and your helpers were unable to respond effectively. There really must have been an underlying issue that was not addressed.
I think that what Auntie Leila is trying to do is encourage us to rebuild a culture that is supportive of nursing moms – moms doing whatever it takes, as you did – because I agree that our present situation is very unhelpful.
Katherine says
I agree that there was something going on, but what it was I’ll probably never know.
Jenny says
Much sympathy. We treat postpartum women abysmally in this country and it is very hard when your actual real life looks nothing like the support you really need.
Elizabeth says
You are not the only one! There is a lot of pressure to breastfeed, and while I *do* think it’s the best option in an ideal world, we don’t live in an ideal world and there are other considerations to make as well. You *can*, and many women do, love and “nurse” your baby with bottle feeding. I personally can technically breastfeed but I choose not to. There are some abuse issues at play for me and I’m a far more loving, attentive, and all-round better mother with bottle-feeding than I am with breast-feeding. Next baby, if there is one, I’m doing bottles from the start.
I actually find people rushing to defend themselves about choosing to bottle feed. Baby had issues, mom had issues, unstable family environment, etc. But there is no need. We are BLESSED to live in a time and place where we can safely bottle feed our babies if that’s the best choice. The bigger issue is, as you say, a lack of support from friends, family, and the church.
Truly, breastfeeding is so convenient after you and baby get past the initial hurdle. Pretty great. 🙂 But it’s not the best option for absolutely everyone, and that’s fine. How and what you choose to feed your baby is not an issue of salvation.
Katherine says
“I’m a far more loving, attentive, and all-round better mother with bottle-feeding than I am with breast-feeding.” That was me, 100%. Once we switched strictly to bottles, I didn’t spend every feed fighting to get DD to latch on, and then being in tears from the pain of nursing and from the terror that she wouldn’t get me completely empty, which could lead to another round of mastitis or another breast abscess. I could relax. I could enjoy snuggling her, I could go to her when she cried without being afraid of being in pain. (The first couple of months, I’d instinctively cringe away from her anytime she cried because she might want to nurse and it hurt so badly.) I may give nursing a try next time; I’m not sure. I do know if I have any issues like the ones I did the first time around, bottles it is and from then on.
Erin says
Yes, exactly, I had the same response to reading those words. I tried and tried and tried and spent so much time and energy with lactation consultants, midwives and pumps and pediatricians. It is a horrible feeling to have your child diagnosed as failure to thrive and feel like a complete failure because of the idea that if you want it bad enough it will work. Ugh. In the end, I sacrificed “nursing” because of all the time and energy I was putting in to make breastfeeding work.
Virginia says
I HATE IT when people say, “Breastfeeding shouldn’t hurt.” Well, maybe it didn’t for you!!!!!!! Maybe it’s just that the only people who become lactation consultants are those who had a pleasurable experience with it.
b says
I’ve met quite a few people in lactation support who are there because they had lots of challenges in their own experiences and wanted to help other people have a better experience.
Mrs. B. says
Those who were not able to breastfeed shouldn’t feel upset by the words Leila used, even though it’s obviously a sensitive topic. I think what Leila was trying to say is that statistically, most women will in fact be able to breastfeed. Some will not, as your painful experiences show. But her sentence is still correct. She wasn’t faulting anyone, just making a statistical statement.
I think we still have progress to make when it comes to breastfeeding. Maybe too many women think that it should come naturally, just because it is natural. But just like childbirth itself, while the most natural thing in the world, is painful, and messy, and hard work, so is breastfeeding (painful and messy at the beginning, hard work always!) I think this is another consequence of a lack of “collective memory” (to use an expression dear to our hostess) regarding child rearing – not many of us were breastfed, so we couldn’t receive any knowledge from the previous generations. My own approach to breastfeeding was “Well, the baby is sorta kinda designed to be able to do this, so I hope at least he knows what to do!” It doesn’t help that a first-time mother has to learn this in the first few hours after delivery, when there is so much already going on in her body and in her mind, and even small things overwhelm. Everyone seems to breath on your neck with a myriad of tips, put pillows here, put your arm there, and don’t you feel anything yet, it’s time to pump! (I hate hate hate pumps.) It’s tough.
Of course, there will still be women who will be unable to do it no matter their efforts, for a reason or another: their problems are real, and they shouldn’t feel badly judged. Maybe the pendulum has swung too much on the opposite side, and we will soon find an optimum middle ground.
b says
I experienced the opposite statement with my DD – that is “if breastfeeding doesn’t hurt, you must be doing it right” which was not, in fact the case. It wasn’t going correctly, merely well enough that through stubbornness and eventually (6 months PP) lucking into the right lactation helper for our situation that things worked out long term.
The US maternity system is quite good at making its failures look like the fault of individual parents. Lactation support is not exempt, and is also an area where you don’t know what type and level of help you’ll need until you’ve got a newborn to complicate the situation and destroy a lot of your ability to figure out (and pay for) what help you have available. The most easily available help such as La Leche and other peer leaders has been the most variable in my experience in terms of what each individual helper knows and can help with, but even IBCLCs vary in what situations they are able to help parents fix, if there is a fix. It’s sadly far too common to hear about situations where breastfeeding might have worked/at least been a better experience if only the right help for that situation had been available at the right time.
I hope you are able to find the right support for you when you need it, Katherine, in future parenting decisions, regardless of what they are, and that you are able to get and give emotional support for those decisions. Every parent should have someone tell them at least once that they are proud of you for trying X parenting thing, even if whatever you tried didn’t work out as you wanted.
Katherine says
b, you have no idea how much your last sentence meant to me. Thank you.
Jenny says
Maybe my babies are weird, but Baby Charlotte looked about like my newborns look. There was nothing suspicious to me. If Kate has precipitous labor, which has been strongly hinted, babies aren’t nearly so distorted after birth.
I don’t consider myself fully out of the postpartum zone until my cycle fully regulates back to normal. I milk it for all it is worth. I’m still technically postpartum right now even though the toddler turns two in about three weeks.
It is so true that your bones move. Nobody told me that! After my first delivery and the magic of breastfeeding weight loss, I weighed less than I did in college. I excitedly went into the closet and pulled out all of those “someday” clothes which, given my weight, should have definitely fit. Except they didn’t. :/ I finally gave away all those saved clothes because if they didn’t fit me then, they were never going to fit again. Oh well.
Margo, Thrift at Home says
my little Phoebe is not quite 2 weeks old – this is such a timely post for me and I read every single bit! I love the conspiracy theory about Kate/little princess because I did goggle and wonder how on earth they managed to look so serene hours after birth.
My body is recovering beautifully and quickly from this birth, I am so pleased. I credit it to a 7-year break from pregnancy/labor/breastfeeding and also to walking the children to school every single school day during my pregnancy. Still, I am napping daily, taking every meal offered to us, and my mom is staying overnight while my husband is traveling for work. My midwife thinks a break of 3 years between pregnancy is ideal for a mother’s health, but generally it seems families aim for 2 years if they are planning.
Bernadette says
Lovely reminders, especially about post-partum body reminders! I wasn’t the type to expect to leave the hospital in anything other than enormous yoga pants and a sweatshirt, but I know it can be quite the shock how much a just-gave-birth body can look and feel like a just-about-to-give-birth body!!
However, I must join in the defense of Kate. I actually think she is a wonderful example of someone who behaves (and dresses, and carries herself) with grace and class. And I think people are aware enough, as was said above, that she has a team of stylists, etc., to help with her appearance — and with the baby once she goes home. (And, where is a better place to be than home after having a baby, if there is no emergency? I wish I could have left as soon as she did! I believe it’s pretty standard in the UK to leave a few hours later. It is standard practice in birth centers here in the US).
I actually felt so good after my second birth, I don’t see anything strange about Kate’s behavior/appearance. (I mean, I don’t look as good as she does when I go to a party, either, so why shouldn’t she also look better than me after giving birth? 😉 And she did look quite tired, I thought, actually, in the pictures.) ) I really was ready to hop up, shower, and dress within an hour of the baby arriving. So, if she had a good, easy birth, with all that help, — I don’t see it as at all unrealistic. My first born also didn’t look like a newborn — he easily looked 3 or 4 weeks old right away. (Prompting my husband to announce to the staff, “He doesn’t look as much like an alien as I expected!” … )
While society as a whole certainly needs to have more respect for the postpartum time, I actually think Kate’s example is a good one!
Emily says
I am so happy to read this post and to have another place to send young moms when they want to get out of bed right after the baby is born. Thanks for preaching it, Auntie Leila! I was one of those and I wish I had learned earlier to rest and enjoy the baby. With my sixth, I did not leave my house for a full four weeks. It was a healing and restorative time that prepared me for some hard months that were to come. I’m joining the conspiracy theory about Kate 🙂 My thoughts exactly. We as women and moms need to push-back on the craziness of our society that allows no normal rhythms for most human experiences. An old pastor from Vietnam once shared the traditional Vietnamese approach to birth/ postpartum care and it was eye-opening for me to see how far our culture has departed from the collective wisdom.
Allie says
At 18 years postpartum, I’m willing to let go of some of my expectations. …. perfect. … I think I’ll start thinking of losing that weight…..
Rachel says
I am honestly surprised at the number of your readers who cannot recognize (and appreciate) your signature tongue-in-cheek humor when they see it!
I am surprised by the number who are on the defensive. If you feel and look great after delivery and hold a Princess as your standard, then…why are you here? 😉
I say, “Hear! Hear!” I wouldn’t give anything for KM’s job. She may be well suited to it! I am not. But I *can* do my job here and let go of the times when I physically can’t (umm, that first couple of weeks after birth…). And humor only helps the situation!
So thank you, once again, for your tongue-in-cheek and your honesty. Both. And in good balance!!
Colette says
I was in a store two weeks after my first baby was born, it was our first little shopping trip together. While chit chatting with the older lady clerk at the register, I mentioned in passing how I had spent the last two weeks on the couch. I can still remember vividly her shocked reaction. Why on earth would it take me that long to recover? Five more babies later, and I definitely value that first month of taking it very easy. I always seem to feel great at the two week mark and then end up over doing it–things tend to be getting out of control at that point. Lowering expectations of what gets accomplished has saved my sanity.
Kate says
My midwife always told me that even if I felt good, I was to stay in bed for three days (except for potty visits). It’s good for the body and good for the baby. Of course, she didn’t literally mean “in bed” but some mode of R&R in the mostly horizontal position. Then she ordered me to take it easy for 6 weeks. She knew many women (all of whom had natural, uneventful births) who pushed themselves to get back to normal too soon who were soon run down and then forced to take time off to recover properly. Not being a Type A nor having the social calendar of D of C, I’ve never been tempted not to follow my midwife’s advice.
Kelsey says
I much appreciate your tongue-in-cheek humor about Kate, even though I do quite like her!
I think that the difficulty that so many women have with this issue stems from our society’s near-total lack of sense, understanding, even interest in children and the natural processes involved in begetting them. I have to think that if the child was valued as it should be, motherhood would then be held up a little higher in the common mind, and perhaps some of the ridiculous things that new mothers (myself included!) think immediately after birth (i.e. we need to get back to being “useful” again) would cease. At the same time, I was totally unprepared for the, um, “earthiness” of those first weeks after my oldest was born. So, I guess I feel like childbirth today involves this odd mentality where it’s considered an unusual event that is, basically, celebrated by purchasing a lot of stuff, but afterwards it’s just supposed to kind of disappear…
I don’t know if this makes sense at all, but if not I’ll claim being postpartum myself – with a 3.5 month-old – as my excuse!
Jenny says
It makes total sense. Pregnancy is treated like a big party that just ends. You are supposed to be totally back to normal within a week. Baby should totally be self-soothing and sleeping all night by that point too. Childbirth and infancy are given no latitude.
Any mother who wants or requires latitude is treated like a slacker. As a working mother, I was treated quite poorly for wanting to start maternity leave at 40 weeks pregnant. Who did I think I was trying to get away with something? If the baby hadn’t been born yet, it was expected that I should be at work. Not to mention the fact that many women with jobs are forced back into work way too soon because they need the money, but paid maternity leave is treated like you are expecting a spa vacation gratis. Something for nothing, you know.
Nobody told me I would be bleeding for weeks and leaking milk for longer. I didn’t even have any nursing pads the first time around. I just didn’t know.
Anitra says
“Nobody told me I would be bleeding for weeks and leaking milk for longer. I didn’t even have any nursing pads the first time around. I just didn’t know.”
I was the same way as a first time mother. Honestly, I was the first of my friends to have a baby, and both my mother and my mother-in-law had all their babies by C-section, and formula-fed, so those were the only stories I heard with any depth, and assumed that a “normal” birth wouldn’t require much recovery time. Well, compared to a C-section, it doesn’t, but that still doesn’t mean that you’re up and walking around within an hour, NOR does it mean that you bounce right back into “normal” clothing.
I am blessed with a body that bounces back very quickly, and I’m back into my regular shape by 2 weeks after baby, but even then, all clothing has to be breastfeeding-friendly, I spend a LOT of time sitting on the couch and feeling tired and useless. I wish someone had TOLD me these things before I had my first child. And the isolation! My husband was able to stay home for 2 weeks after our first was born – a huge blessing since we didn’t have any family close by at the time. And then he went back to work. And then I had these huge long days filled with… nothing.
Not nearly as isolated with the later kids, but people still didn’t really get it that if they were coming to “help”, I really needed them to entertain the other children or do cleaning, since I just had no energy. When my third child was a newborn, I almost cried when a friend dropped off a meal and asked if she could help by mopping the floor. It’s not something I had the courage to *ask* anyone to do, but it was disgusting (it hadn’t been done in months, and my other kids were 5 & 3). It was SUCH a blessing to me.
It is a reminder to me that probably the best way I can help a “new” mom is to take their kids away for play-dates with my kids, or clean for them, or both.
Kelsey says
Yes! Take those other kids away! I love them, but – AWAY!!!
DeirdreLMLD says
I love your comment about purchasing stuff and pregnancy disappearing – good point!
Once women start really taking pride in post-partum care of each other (the way we take pride in throwing baby showers), the tide might start to shift…
Virginia says
I agree with this! I am now fortunate to be in a little preschool playgroup that is really good about supporting the other moms postpartum by bringing by meals and taking the older kids to the park, etc. Most of us are transplants to the area and don’t have extended family or childhood friends around so we’re trying to be each other’s family.
I think one of the really hard parts about having your first (besides that you probably have no idea what to expect or what to do) is that you aren’t already plugged into a community of moms who can help you out or tell you things like, “flu-like symptoms? You probably have mastitis!” Maybe you just quit your job and lost that work community. Because few people have contact with children before they have children of their own, all your former friends are probably childless and you have yet to make new friends. Maybe you have supportive, nearby family, but probably not.
Maybe some people will laugh at this, but I think if you’re a first-time mother with no support system and no paternity leave for daddy, you should think about hiring a mother’s helper or a postpartum doula to come a couple of times a week for the first month or so. Maybe even taking out a loan to do so, especially if you fit the bill for predisposition to PPD. Because PPD is no joke (I’ve struggled with it twice but was too proud/clueless to get help for myself until it had gotten quite bad) and we’re talking about your ability to bond with your newborn and learn how to be a confident, loving mother. At least in my case I think it could have been avoided or minimized by just having more physical help around the house. In a former age the community would have provided that for you, but not so much now, so do what you need to do to get it for yourself!
Katherine says
See, a PP doula would be amazing. But I don’t know about you all…dropping thousands of dollars on one just isn’t in my budget, and I don’t think it is for the majority of moms out there. One of the more reasonable local ones offers a $25/hour rate, but you’re expected to be a birth client, too, which is $900.
Virginia says
Well, I didn’t. I didn’t have the money and I just powered through and did it all myself and three months later my health was terrible, I was crying all the time and my kids were very unhappy. A postpartum doula would be nice if you had the money but hiring a neighborhood teenager to come help out for $8 an hour a couple of times a week with the older kids would have been just as helpful I think.
Plenty of people take care of infants with basically no support and breastfeeding goes perfectly, there are no complications and everything is hunky-dory. So yay for you guys! But I think you shouldn’t be surprised if you find that you’re not thriving in that environment. Especially if you have a personal or family history of mental illness, alcoholism or abuse.
BTW, I found out with my latest pregnancy that, even if you choose not to receive public assistance, if you qualify for WIC, you can still use WIC resources like free lactation consultants. Our WIC breastfeeding center was actually fantastically helpful and not depressing-feeling (although I realize many might not be like that…) They can also hook you up with reduced-price or free counseling if you’re feeling not all there. I would recommend checking your WIC center out while you’re still pregnant to see if you’re comfortable there, but if it’s helpful then great!
Suzy says
Thank you for reminding us to take care of ourselves postpartum! I especially appreciate the tip to get postpartum clothing ready before baby arrives – that transitional wardrobe is very handy and not easy to acquire with a tiny screaming baby and mama a hot, sweaty mess in a department store fitting room. Any ideas where to find decent blouses for large breasted women? Everything is so short in the torso, tall or plus size looks like a tent. I’ve had seven babies in eleven years, and my body just feels broken this time around. I need physical therapy and support garments and braces just to be able to move. The seventh baby is just as hard, or harder, as the first baby in terms of recovery. We received almost zero help this time around. People are just “too busy” or seem afraid to offer. My own mother’s attitude is “stop having kids if you can’t take care of yourself”. I am very lucky to have a husband willing to help and his employer is flexible and lets him take time off. Practical postpartum help for new moms (rides for older children, dishes or laundry, meals or just deliver a bag of groceries so she doesn’t have to drag baby to the store) is essential to her emotional recovery.
b says
If you don’t need the shirts to be super fancy, men’s button down shirts are pretty forgiving as maternity/nursing wear. My husband happens to wear 2XL shirts, and I’m a M/L in the women’s department, so either his clothes or a men’s XL usually works for me. It helps that men’s shirts in general is cut much looser than women’s – even in the children’s clothes.
Katherine says
Depending on how bust you mean, what about a t-shirt with a nursing camisole or bodice-style shapewear under it? Lift the top shirt, your waist/abs are covered by the cami or shapewear, latch kiddo on, and voila! Plus, t-shirts are stretchy…accommodating for that postpartum figure. 😉
Katherine says
*busty, that is.
Shannon says
this is SO fabulous and very timely for me. Thank you, thank you!!
Sarah C. says
After my first child’s birth, I was definitely sore, but I did fit back into my regular pre-pregnancy clothes within a few days postpartum. I’m NOT expecting that to be the case in about 6-8 weeks when baby #2 decides to make his appearance. But I felt well enough after giving birth that I think if I had a team of stylists, I could have managed to pull a Kate–all poised and dressed up for 5-10 minutes–if I had a team of stylists and had to be in her very unique and public situation. Granted, this time around, since I have the support, I am definitely planning in taking letting other people chase my toddler for the first few weeks. I have an informal childcare arrangement with a friend of my MIL, who is caring for her adoptive daughter’s daughter and not having birthed children, she was *shocked* that I told her I would need at least 3 weeks postpartum to recover before I would watch her granddaughter again after giving birth.
Ellen says
Thank you, Auntie Leila! Some women feel and look great after having babies, a lot of women do not. ALL women should be cared for and take care of themselves for an extended period of time after giving birth. These are just the facts!
Elizabeth says
Thank you for posting this! My baby is 8 months old and I’m just now starting to feel like *myself* again. I have a lot of physical issues postpartum and I really wait for that regular cycle to start again before pushing myself to do things (lose weight, look like I normally do, keep the house in as good of shape as I normally do). That seems to be the signal for me. 🙂
Bethanne says
I know that many cultures do not let the mother get out of bed for 6 weeks post-partum and others in the community help her. Due to bleeding issues, I have spent 6 weeks in bed for each of my pregnancies and once 8 weeks. As I got stronger, I would spend some time in the chair in my bedroom and eventually walk down the stairs and sit. I wasn’t allowed to carry anything heavier than my baby. Initially, this was so hard, but my body would tell me that I was doing too much and I had to stop. After 7 babies, we know that I’m out for 6 weeks. My husband understands this and everyone is told that “it is Mom’s job to heal and feed the baby–that’s it.” I take that job seriously, resting and eating well because I know that when I’m fully healed, I’ll be able to take care of all the rest. I am an extreme case, but my midwife said she tells mothers that after a birth, they should spend one week in bed for the newborn and one week each for any other children in the house. I recognize that not everyone has family support or women around who get it. Let’s give each other courage to rest and heal without guilt or shame.
Julie says
I’m going to keep reminding myself that my bones have moved apart (and apparently stayed that way and added a little cushioning in the process).
Emily says
Such great advice! My first was a 36-hour labor that ended in a c-section. The recovery was a lengthy six months, and I was very scared along the way that I would never feel the same. But I healed. Then, a successful, no-med VBAC had me over the moon. I told the nurse I would like to walk myself out of the hospital. My husband took the baby, and off we went. Till halfway down the hall when I requested a wheelchair! I was woozy! I think we all underestimate what blood loss, fatigue, and enormous hormonal shifts do to us.
Once home, I followed the advice to stay in bed and upstairs for one week, only getting up for the bathroom. Second week, stay in bed, but stairs are permitted. Though I felt good, I was amazed what one trip downstairs to start laundry and eat did to me. The bleeding would pick up, pain sneak up, and I forced myself right back to bed. (I’ve been told the bleeding is the surest sign that you need to sit. If it picks up too much with activity, get horizontal!) Those two weeks in bed were the key to how vibrant I felt later. I felt so strong and healthy at six weeks out! I am so fortunate to have a husband with a flexible job, and two mothers (mom and in-law) who know just how to take care of the post-partum woman. My heart grieves for those mothers who lack these essential resources. Looking forward to the adventure all over again with baby #3 in November.
Kim says
Let’s just remember that every woman’s situation (support, health, finances, number of children) is different. Not everyone has a mother who is still living and provide incredible support as Leila has been able to do for her daughters.
My mom left the hospital in pre- pregnancy clothes. That was just her. Given the quantity of assistance and primping Kate has access to, it probably just improved upon the appearance readiness of a woman who was previously thin and very fit, not prone to gaining much pregnancy weight, and already very attractive. As for the notion she gave birth a week before- not buying that!!
How can a woman do minimal work fir 4 weeks if she has other children at home, not much support, and a husband who is working? yeRs ago women were back taking care of the household after a few days. That is reality for most women.
Karen says
Let’s also remember that Kate had a TEAM of people at the hospital making her look great for that 10 minute photo shoot. And, after delivering a baby, standing for a few minutes in stilettos might feel like a minor inconvenience (at least by comparison). And, I’m certain that that girl is in sweatpants as we speak, perhaps designer sweatpants, but hey those are some of the princess perks for when the cameras aren’t about!
Leila says
Thanks for the comments of those who get where I’m coming from with this post 🙂 To those who think I’m attacking dear Kate, I think she’ll survive me calling her superhuman 🙂
In fact, the thrust of my remarks is that she is way more fabulous than anyone else.
To those of you who think I am saying that you must breastfeed your baby or lose your salvation, please re-read my words.
However, I am going to be supportive of breastfeeding — and insist on “nursing” as I define it — thanks, Melissa D, Aimee, and Mrs. B for knowing me so well 🙂 — and that’s just how it is. If you still don’t get it, please re-read this post and the ones that I linked to (I have many breastfeeding AND nursing posts).
The best way to succeed or at least get a good start at breastfeeding AND nursing and indeed the whole motherhood gig is to do the things I am telling you in this post and the one I will post tomorrow. I know that you are all big girls and can figure out what I’m doing here without turning my words against me, as if I’m attacking anyone, or requiring CONSTANT disclaimers and soothers.
Evelyn says
Haha! Too funny! I fortunately read one if your other PP posts before my second son was born. I managed to lay on the couch for nearly 2 weeks, much unlike after my first, and didn’t leave the house alone with the kids 5wk PP. Not only did it do wonders for achy breaky bones but for my mood and how I handled the no sleep. I was so thankful (still am? 6 months PP now) i’d found that post.
But, weirdly and sadly, I found myself defending why I stayed indoors for 5 weeks. A lot of other moms were out and about much sooner. I settled for a generic response: not ready to be outnumbered in public yet! (And I’m an introvert, which helps. So does online grocery shopping!)
Can’t wait for tomorrow’s post!
Lisa says
How I wish I had this support as a young mother. Such a blessing you provide.
Luana says
Thank you so much for this post! And for this amazing blog – thank you and thank to your daughters, you’re the best! I have learned soooo so so much from you.
Yes, we need a lot of time and care to recover after the birth. This is so true and I had to learn it hard way.
Please, please, please – would you, or your daughters, or all of you 😉 cosider writing a post about babies and sleep? How do you encourage a baby to sleep in his/her bad someday, and when. What about nursing older baby and toddler to sleep, or about older baby and toddler (like 10 months and older) waking 10 times per night to nurse etc.
I would love, love, love to hear your wisdom about babies and toddlers and sleep.
Please be generous and share it with us! :)))))))
We have our third baby and I miss some common wisdom about this. Thank you!
Mrs. B. says
Luana, if your questions reflect situations you’re dealing with, I’m there with you! I have a 16 month old who disdains the crib, and stays there no more than 3 hours a night… Then it’s in bed with us, nursing quite frequently. He’s a bad sleeper anyway, with just one very short nap a day. I’m puzzled, because he’s my 3rd and his siblings never had trouble to naturally become more independent from me much earlier. I cannot stand the idea of letting him cry: the people who encourage me to do that may or may not be right, but I simply cannot do it. The pediatrician says he keeps waking up because it’s become a habit, and letting him cry will make him learn he has to go back to sleep on his own. Frankly, I don’t think anyone can tell for sure with babies. I just hate hearing them cry, and will put up with some discomfort myself (e.g., nursing at night and being with him even at 16 months) rather than the cry thing. My husband and I have resigned ourselves to somehow accept he’s not ready to be independent. To me it’s like having one of those boys who only learn to read at 8 or 9: you may wish he could learn at 6 like almost everybody else, but if he’s not ready, what can you do?
I can’t say I’m right though…
Heidi says
It sounds like he might be waking fully after every sleep-cycle rather than rousing to almost-awake and settling back to sleep. This is often because a baby wants to be put back to sleep the same way he fell asleep the first time – which is why there’s that classic (& laughable, to the parent of a poor sleeper) recommendation to put the baby down “drowsy but awake.” If the baby is waking after every sleep cycle, though, he probably needs some coaching on how to stay asleep. With my oldest, when she was about the age of your son & still napping horribly (~45min.), I would nurse her to sleep on my bed at naptime & then make it my goal to nurse her again (lying down) as she started to rouse but before she fully woke up, so she didn’t fully wake. This began the transition to sleeping through more than one sleep cycle.
At night, we used the method in “The Sleep Lady’s Good Night, Sleep Tight,” which involves staying in the room after putting the baby down to bed “drowsy but awake,” comforting through the crying, returning to resume the comforting when baby wakes, and gradually, over days, easing out of the room as the baby adjusts to falling asleep (and staying asleep) on his own. I couldn’t handle cry-it-out, but this approach, though it involved tears, felt much more like working with the baby (hard work in the beginning, admittedly, for both of us) rather than working against each other. Coaching. Then I was able to use the same approach for naps. Though my oldest – our non-sleeper – ended up entirely giving up naps not long after she turned two, and even after this method, losing the nap was still a relief for both of us. But she was by then a great night sleeper, and remains one!
Luana says
Mrs. B and Heidi,
thank you for sharing your taughts and advice!
Yes, I wrote about my third baby, but my first two also had this problem, after 7-8 months old they would wake up and nurse more and more often during the night and less and less during the day. So, now I know it is not only about having a needy baby, but also about mum not knowing how to do it 🙂
Also I always nursed them to sleep and it was the only way for them to fall asleep till ca. 3 years old. I see that girls sleep great now, but 3 years is a loooong time to wait for a good night sleep especialy with few kids each needing 3 years.
English is foreign languge for me, please exuse my errors.
Grace says
Luana and Mrs. B,
Babies and sleep is one of the most hotly debated and controversialized topics in baby-rearing! No one else can make the decisions for you and your family. You have to listen to your instincts, choose between the advice that is given you, and make sure that you have a clear conscience about what YOU are doing. If you follow what “everyone else” seems to be saying, and you know in your heart that it is not right for your child, what is it worth? YOU have to do the soul searching and examining, because YOU will be the one answering to God for the decisions you make (and I don’t think “because it was popular” will be reason enough for Him…)
That being said, here are my two cents’ worth…take it or throw it out!
It’s totally normal and natural for “older” babies and toddlers to nurse to sleep and then wake to nurse at night. They are still pretty little and to wake up hungry and lonely and scared is to be expected. When they are newborn their stomach is the size of a walnut and they can’t hold much milk at a time, and need to nurse frequently in order to satisfy their hunger. Does this really change abruptly at any point? Their stomachs are still small and they do still get hungry at night.
There is also a need for closeness and comfort, I think even more so once they are more active and therefore nursing less during the day. They are just checking in to make sure Mommy still loves me. More importantly than filling up the physical food tank they are filling up their seemingly bottomless love tank.
I am still nursing my 2.5 year old at night (Horrors!! Such a terrible parent!! He will never be independent, right?!) and he needs it now more than ever. Some days the discipline process is pretty rough on all of us and the nursing provides a positive-input time that we wouldn’t otherwise have. We also recently went through a particularly rough period where he got sick and couldn’t keep anything down, we were looking at houses in a different state, and moving to a different area all at the same time. The poor kid had more than the average reason to be insecure, and his insecurities came out in waking up and crying inconsolably at night. For this time alone, I am so glad that I was there to nurse and comfort him!
But, that’s just my anecdotal evidence, and you’ll have to make up your own mind. 🙂 A great resource book if you’re interested is The Family Bed by Tine Thevenin. An older read and definitely not mainstream, but I found it very helpful and common-sense-ical.
Elizabeth says
In Holland (and Belgium and Germany and probably more European countries), the first week has a special name. The woman is supposed to stay in bed during this week and will be scolded if she comes out for longer than an hour. The government pays for at home care by a professional (with a medical background and a breastfeed instruction certificate and whatnot), for 8 hours a day for a week. This lady takes care of all household activities (including cooking), watches the other children, checks mom’s stitches, makes sure breastfeeding is well established, is there to answer questions, helps with the first bath and so on.
(Home birth is still very common in Holland (1 in 3 births) and after a hospital birth, mom is sent home as soon as she can walk. So a lady at home makes sense in this context).
For most women this lady is a Godsend, because she takes care of every possible bump in the road during that first week. Most women cry when she leaves after the 7th day. Whenever I read Dutch novels up until the 1960’s this woman would actually stay for 3 weeks and mom was supposed to rest and lay down as often as possible. Off course occasionally your hear stories of bossy and mean ladies, but mostly these women are warm and kind. They are fierce protectors of mom’s wellbeing and shoo visitors out the door when they stay for too long.
I also remember my dad would buy (and make) my mom all kinds of protein rich things, make her freshly squeezed orange juice and so on. Most mothers have fond memories of that first week, because the woman is being celebrated and spoiled and generally being treated as a queen :). It gives mom an emotional boost when she feels at her most vulnerable.