FAQs QFPI (Questions of Fleeting or Passing Interest, ten of them.)
High time to get some info out there, right? You can ask us all anything in the comments, if you like, but we thought we'd get the ball rolling.
Actually, Rosie started it and named it, which is so sweet. I think I would have named it Happy Despite Them, and in fact Deirdre had started a blog with that name for our family. Happy Despite Them is our family motto, and I’ve told you about that.
But it was just our little girly place until I caved into my natural impulse to tell people what to do. Now that I’m old enough to get away with it (not that I haven’t always done it), it seems like a good thing, as long as you realize that I have one qualification – experience of my own shortcomings.
At the same time, I also really like posting about crafting, because I love crafting blogs.
I asked Rosie if she minded me sort of using the blog for my own purposes, and her response was something to the effect of “blogging begets blogging, so go ahead.” She’s great that way.
The Like Mother, Like Daughter name is “us” now, but I do want men and boys to know that we love and include them as well. I keep bugging Will to do a post about cars for big families, but he demurs.
2. Who even are you?
I am Leila. Egyptian father, American (Irish, Welsh, a spot of German because otherwise things wouldn’t get done, right?) mother. Only child of divorced parents. Wife of Phil, aka the Chief, maybe The Chief (can’t get the house style right here, like Sukie and Suki), who is American (Irish, Irish, and a little German, because, yeah). Mother of seven children, grandmother of four.
I’m a convert to Catholicism from nothing-ism with a brief, completely uninformed and unconvincing stop as a Moslem (now called Muslim but not when I made that stop, which was sometime in middle school).
3. Wait, how do you say your name?
I’ve heard everything, so don’t worry too much. Lie (like “don’t tell the truth”; misleading, because I always tell the truth)- La.
But of course, in Arabic, Lay-la. Which my father and all the Arabs always called me, so that’s okay too. He, having studied German, decided that Americans would only be able to say Lie-la but it should be spelled Lei-la because in German that would lead you to pronounce it correctly (for them, not for him).
Now you have some insight into how my mind works.
My mother named me after the heroine of Bizet’s opera The Pearl Fishers, so if you do the New York Times crossword, you will get that one right from now on (although you may still have to fiddle with the spelling)! My father named me after his mother. It turns out that Leila is probably the only name that the Arabs and the Welsh share in common, so isn’t it amazing how God works?
My middle name is Marie because I didn’t have a middle name, but was getting confirmed and then, soon after, married, so that was a good time to honor Our Lady and find something to chuck in there in between Leila and Lawler.
If you think about it, you will see how Marie is literally the only name that will work and not make things sound sillier than they already are.
4. But what are your qualifications to write about raising children and other such things?
I have none, really, other than the whole seven children thing, and a lot of solid reading — far more reading than may be reconcilable with actually doing a good job raising children (this is how I know that the young moms should limit the blogging, and wow, good thing they didn’t have blogging back then, because that would have spelled disaster for me). That my children came out great is due to my husband being awesome and my children being amazing. It is helpful that my mind works systematically, in a my-father’s-an-engineer kind of way.
Apply the appropriate discount to all I say.
Still. You either think what I say resonates with common sense or not. I also have many friends with many, many children. After more than 34 years of marriage, lots of homeschooling, lots of just life, I have perspective. Time does a lot to focus your opinions, let me tell you.
And I have been given the gift of faith. That is all. (For instance, I have no experience with adoption, special needs children, twins, nursing twins, or having all boys or all girls — although I could probably put you in touch with people who do.)
If you want to know about how Ask Auntie Leila came about, I explain the joke in this post.
Listen to me at your own risk. No money back.
5. Oh, so you have boys too?
Yes, three. I know some people think we only have girls (four). I love and admire our boys (men). They are great. I think they are very handy as well as amazingly smart. For all I know, they are also crafty, but if they are, they don’t take pictures for posting. Maybe some day!
6. Why does it sometimes take you days or even a week to answer your email from the blog? We can tell you are on the internet, you know, by how you’re tweeting and FB-ing and all.
I get a fair number of emails, because somehow people do want advice, and by golly, I am going to give it! So part of it is that it takes me a while to give a response — after all, I don’t know you and can’t just dash something off! Emails are tricky. (Which reminds me, if you emailed me and I didn’t answer, your email probably got lost, my bad. Try again if you want to.)
But part of the reason for my delay is that I try to take time to pray about what I’m being asked, so that you aren’t just getting my spur-of-the-moment, possibly ditzy thought, but hopefully something that is filtered through God’s perspective. Ditzy but prayed over.
I do take my readers’ questions and requests to daily Mass and put them in the Rosary, and so when you’re puzzling over my reply, just know that it’s probably God’s voice that’s confusing you.
Just kidding, it’s me.
7. Is there a downside to blogging?
I love it. I know that some bloggers are introverts. I am not. I am super extroverted. I am a believer in making bosom buddies with the person you sit next to on the plane, even though that has never happened to me — and why do they all look so trapped! I love to read, but secretly, part of the appeal on the plane is that my neighbor will see my book, know we are kindred spirits, and strike up a conversation about it, instantly becoming my best friend.
But I do worry sometimes about how people who know me in person experience the blog — especially someone who knows me from my wayward younger days, although now isn’t great either. If there is someone from my childhood or heedless young adulthood who reads, that person is no doubt shaking his head in utter disbelief that I would dare to write anything about anything.
To say I’m flawed is to give the impression that I’m just like most people, no biggie. It’s a bit worse than that in my case. To anyone who has experienced the trickier sides of me in person, or who has been frustrated with me on the blog, I do apologize most sincerely.
I’m also just fairly mediocre at most things, which is evident to anyone who comes in the door or talks to me. I worry a bit that readers will mistake what I post about as expertise, but even more, I worry that people who read the blog and also know me will not realize that I know this.
I say I’m not good at “most” things because, well, there’s lots I haven’t tried yet, and no doubt I will be superb at those. (Turkish boyfriend in My Family and Other Animals — love him.)
But, I have something to say to people like me, so that’s what keeps me writing. Sometimes you know the truth even though you aren’t the best exemplar. If that’s the gift you’ve been given, you have to go with it, even if it’s somewhat humiliating.
8. You seem pretty chill. But every once in a while we notice you get a little…
Yes, now that I'm older and wiser and a bit more chill, I want to have the kind of blog that I would have loved — that would help the young me. A blog of family life, of prettiness, of encouragement, of faith, of how to go ahead and just do things you enjoy, of the value of commitment and devotion, but in an accessible way.
But some things make me mad. I do not like to be told that something I believe is motivated by hate or anger. If I wasn’t angry before, that would do the trick. So, okay, I’m motivated by anger sometimes. And of course, the world is full of many problems, most of which get me worked up. I'm not sure anymore that getting worked up helps, but that doesn't change my essential propensity to get worked up.
I’m trying not to rant about things, because I think that the internet is full of ranters (some doing a very good job, by the way; read regularly and appreciated by me). I think that what’s less available, and what people are actually hungry for, is just showing how to live as well as you can.
If you would like to get to know ranting me better, though, you can follow me on Twitter.
9. On the other hand, there are so many more impressive blogs out there, so why do you bother?
I know. If you happen to be easily overwhelmed, though, I feel like we’re your site.
10. Would you come speak to our group?
Yes, I would, if we can work out the details. Get them to invite me. You can email me about it: leilamarielawler (at) gmail (dot) com.
As it turns out, I have an opinion about everything and, like I said, I love to give advice (see 4, above, for disclaimer). So it’ll be great!
Any other questions? Go.
Melissa says
Don't ever stop blogging Auntie Leila! As a very frenzied homeschooling mom of 3 young boys, you have no idea how much I look forward to your blog for encouragement, understanding, and a good laugh. I've got my friends hooked on you too! I even have friends from Spain who are following you now, and because of your blog they think that things in America are so much better than in Europe. So there you go! Love your daughters too – your whole family is a wonderful witness to a faith-filled family life. God bless you all!
Elizabeth says
I am jumping at the chance here because there are so many things about you that I often wondered about….
For example, can you tell us a little more about your conversion to Catholicism? And also, how you met your husband and how the two of you became a couple? And if meeting your husband had an impact on your conversion?
Being a convert myself, I think it must be an inspiring story!
Also, you got married very young. I myself got married at age 20, almost 7 years ago, my husband was only 21. It's not something I would advice most young couples to do, even though it has worked beautifully for us. Do you have an opinion on these matters? You probably do :). Can you write a little more about marriage; the why and how and when…?
Thank you!
ayearinskirts says
I often hear people say that: “It's not something I'd advise people to do, even though it has worked beautifully for us.” Would you help me understand why, if your young marriage has worked so well, why you would discourage most others? I guess I wonder about this because how else can we prepare people for a life of sexual purity if we don't also prepare them for young marriage? If young marriage is off the table for most people, then most also won't wait until marriage for sex. Anyways, it's just something I'm trying to better understand.
Elizabeth says
You might be right…. but many 20 year olds don't seem 'ripe' for marriage at all. Maybe people thought this about me too when I told them I was getting married.
Other issues with getting married are: who provides income? We were both students and very poor for about 5 years. That was a burden sometimes. Also, if you are both studying and have jobs, there is no room for children. I got pregnant by surprise after 3,5 years of marriage and studied until the baby turned one. My husband had to work twice as much…again not ideal and sometimes stressful. Not everybody can handle these things.
_Leila says
Elizabeth, my opinion about when to get married is that God sends you someone and you get married! Love is a gift. How can you make a rule about what age you should be? My husband is almost 10 years older than me. It would have been crazy to make him wait a long time for me to be “the right age.” What even is that?
It's all so simple when you look at marriage, as you should, as the willingness and ability to start a family with someone you love, who has the same willingness and ability. If the man can support her and the woman is up for making a home, then I say, GO!
This might not happen until the girl is in her 30s! It might happen when she's 18 and has other plans. Girls in general are very ready to get going at a much younger age than our society expects, and a lot of mischief occurs when this fact is ignored. Guys might take longer to be ready to support a family. But hey, it's all about seeing the big picture, which is that marriage is about building something together. Everyone just has to actively seek God's will in their lives and then do what they need to do to make it happen.
g2-1e1ff72c52f978b6561073dccbb2420a says
Apparently (one of) the voices inside my head think in Arabic, because I've always heard it in my head as “Lay-la”.
This post really clears things up for me, and puts in a decent order all the bits and pieces I've figured out since I started reading. One question, though – is Habou then your mom (your kids' grandmother)?
And – although there may be (or should be) an entire post on this, how did you come to Catholism?
diane, aka quiltbabe
_Leila says
Diane, yes, Habou is my mother. I explain her nickname here: http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org//2009/03/i…
(This post also explains other things so you should definitely check it out.)
Jessica says
Now that we know you have sons, could you write a post about how to raise boys? Because I'm starting to have lots of them and I come from an all girl family! Thanks!
_Leila says
Jessica, have you seen this post? http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org//2011/02/a…
How about this one? http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org//2011/02/t…
And this: http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org//2013/05/a…
Bottom line: they should run around outside and do lots of things for you. Don't be surprised when they are loud and gross and annoying. Don't be surprised when they are uncomplicated and loving and helpful.
What else do you need to know? I can try to answer…
Lisa G. says
In a post of yours the other day you mentioned your class, and I realized you'd been a teacher; so that explains your ability to get these things across to your readers. You do have a gentle way of trying to get your point across, which is very nice and unstressful.
_Leila says
No, Lisa, I haven't been a teacher, not really. The girls have taught in actual classrooms. I have a little CCD class in which we do a Catechesis of the Good Shepherd style approach with our homeschooling group's children.
But thank you!
Joy says
I love the encouragement and faith and prettiness of your blog. Thank you for sharing. I keep my bedroom tidy and clean, share your book posts, make your delicious pork roast and chicken lightly seasoned (a family favorite), and generally keep a better run and prettier house than before I “met” you on your blog. None of us have arrived yet but God uses us, as frail and sinful as we may be, to encourage others and you are one of those encouragers in my life. Please keep up giving us your opinions with humor and humility. I love it.
Briana @mousehouse says
“– and why do they all look so trapped!”
fallsdownlaughing. This severe introvert deeply appreciates your awareness, and would happily chat with you. If you showed me how to do that Norwegian Purl thingie.
_Leila says
Briana, I would love to show the Norwegian Purl thingie to you! And by the way, readers, if you love knitting you should follow Briana on Pinterest, because she has the best knitting links!
http://www.pinterest.com/breeana/here-knitty-knit…
Margaret Kelly says
Could you recommend any blogs or resources for adult people who are trying to live the best they can, fulfilling their obligations and making a home virtuously and with grace, but don't currently live with (that is, within the same four walls as) a family? I find myself agreeing with and valuing the wisdom of so much of what you say, but I am a single woman living alone and my daily duties and obligations are very different. I'd love any assistance translating the spirit of your blog to the everyday duties of my life.
(I realize that you don't know what I do. But surely there are other single people out there whose day-to-day existence is at least somewhat like mine who want to live virtuously and with grace. Perhaps we can help each other in ways similar to the ways that mothers and daughters help each other here.)
Any kindred spirits out there?
Caroline M says
I feel like a kindred spirit even though I'm married; I don't have kids yet and work in an office full time. It's a different world isn't it? Unfortunately I don't have much advice seeing as how I'm just muddling along myself. Two things: one, just be open to love in any place you can find it, including your coworkers, neighbors, the people at church, etc. And two, be OK with where you are and who you are. It was never written in stone that a woman must be a homemaker to be virtuous, though it is of course a good option for many. Peace!
_Leila says
Margaret, I don't have resources for you in terms of blogs or what have you, but I do believe that all the books I throw out there in the course of my ramblings would be of help to anyone. I also recommend to anyone that you try to ENJOY the moment you are in. Relax, know that you are a child of God, and show him that you know this by responding to each hour as he presents it to you — whether it's a person, an activity, silence, suffering…
Also, know that God has a plan for you that involves you committing yourself in one way or another to marriage. I will go with Chesterton here and say that every person needs to be married — to another person or to Christ himself in religious life. Man was not meant to be alone.
Getting there often means a period of waiting, of being in limbo, of listening — but also of active discernment. Seek out a trusted person to help you figure out what form that discernment might take.
But don't let time go by without committing to something wholeheartedly, even if it's the search.
bethinthecity says
I'm not in your situation but I wanted to stop by and say that I love the spirit in which you wrote this! So positive rather than some of the angry things I see about singleness. Not that you can't be angry sometimes or anything. I'm learning that I like to include many different lifestyles in my circle of friends. Not just other people raising teenagers! So please know that you bring value to this community and I hope that we also offer some value to you even when we aren't all doing the same thing on a daily basis. That said, I hope you find some great friends and resources to share your journey with, who are walking the same path! It's so encouraging, isn't it?
Rain says
Great Q & A. And I did send you an email a couple of weeks ago maybe I should re-send it? Or maybe not? ; )
I do have a question though. What resources do you recommend for catecizing (sp.) children? Do you have any favorites?
_Leila says
Rain, I recommend the Catechesis of the Good Shepherd (Atrium) for young children, along with this book Saint Joseph Baltimore Catechism (No. 1) (St. Joseph Catecisms)
or #2, depending on the age. This book is for YOU to use with your child, as an outline or guide for asking questions and discussion. It is not a great book for just handing to the child to work at.
I also recommend, with reservations, this program for young teens: http://ascensionpress.com/t/category/study-programs/catholic-bible-study/teen-bible-study
My reservations are about the way it's presented — very “youth-minister-y” rather than an approach through beauty, a choice I don't understand. And there is one, teeny-weeny moment where he is discussing adultery where I feel like a pre-adolescent child would be bewildered. And one other moment where he brings up cutting, which I think is inappropriate for kids to hear, but likely that they will miss it if they have been brought up according to these rules:
http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org/2013/10/standards-and-solidarity-ten-ways-to/
Still. Ugh.
But otherwise, it has good, solid, helpful content in giving an overview of Salvation history and Bible study help. Helped me!
The older child can definitely work slowly through the Catechism of the Catholic Church. You can use the shorter questions at the end of each section (in brief, it's called) and then, another year, do the actual questions.
And thanks for your patience with my disorganized email!
Mary says
How were you educated? You seem to know so much about history and literature and poems and everything and can cite them so easily. Was this all a result of personal reading? Do you have a degree in something related? I'm always in awe of people that can make literary or historical references so quickly because I know so little and yet graduated with honors my whole life.
Also, I still would love to hear a bit more of your thoughts on how social media is affecting motherhood specifically and your advice for the modern mother in that regard.
Thanks for all that you write and do here!
_Leila says
Mary, I had a pretty good grade-school education of the sort I try to promote here on the blog (a relic from pre-progressive days). I went to a good high school but paid no attention to history. I went to “good” colleges (I transferred after my first year because I got married, from one elite college to another). I studied philosophy and medieval literature for the short time I was there.
I have no degree, because when it came time to declare my major, “motherhood” wasn't on the list!
Anything, and I mean, anything, I know about history I learned from teaching my kids. I mainly just read a lot. And you are too kind. If anything, I am woefully ignorant.
Obviously I think being on the internet is a ton of fun. But. Motherhood in our society simply requires a lot of loneliness. That loneliness is your path to everything good. It's a paradox. So put down the phone and do some things. Then rest and relax — read a book. Be creative. Remember that you can get a lot of information and be connected by social media, but there is no substitute for doing and being, and often if you embrace the loneliness, you will be happier!
Mary says
I love you all and love this space. I always come and am inspired, encouraged and I always leave smiling. Thanks Auntie Leila, Rosie, Suki and Deirdre for making my days brighter. Blessings to you all…and please keep posting.
Emily says
Well, this was fun reading! I laughed over your middle name choice – somehow I had never made the Leila Lawl connection, at least not saying it out loud! You must have been seriously in love to take Phil with that particular last name. 🙂
_Leila says
Emily, yes, yes I was. In fact, almost the first thing I ever said to him was “Haha, I could never marry you!”
Suzette says
I'm utterly convinced that
a) you would tell me to get off my bum and go wash some dishes instead of leaving this comment
b) be a great neighbor
c) you should move somewhere nearer to central US so we can all take turns visiting you!
Layla says
Ah, I'm so glad to see a definitive answer on how you pronounce your name! Like Diane, above, I read it as Layla for reasons that are clearly unrelated to any personal bias in that direction. 😉 But now I know, and so I can try to remember to “say” it right.
Thank you so much for all the advice you share here. I'm trying to get my feet back under me (still! almost eight months later!) with housekeeping since the arrival of our second baby, and rereading the Reasonably Clean House posts has been more helpful than I can say. I'm glad to have you here to boss me! 🙂
Jenny says
Do you ever get frustrated with some of the questions your readers ask? And how does it feel to have so many strangers following you on the various social media?
_Leila says
Jenny, as I said in the post, I'm only frustrated if they attribute bad will to me, but that rarely happens, anyway. Well, I guess I get a little frustrated if they ask a question that relates to something I post all the time about (“can you tell me how to get dinner under control?”) But then I remember that they are reading on their phones and don't see the sidebar, which in any case needs a re-working.
I don't have a lot of people following me — I'm not much of anyone in social media. What I love is that all the people who read the blog are so sweet. We rarely get rude or even contentious comments. How great is that? Our readers hardly feel like strangers!
Anne-Marie says
My mother was Chinese, and we also called close adult friends of hers “Auntie” and “Uncle.” Now I live in the South, almost, and when children address adult men as “Uncle” it reminds me too much of Uncle Remus. But we do know one gentleman of a certain age who likes his friends' children to call him “Cousin Jeffrey.”
I always said “Lay-la” to myself, too, perhaps because I've known a Persian Leila who said it that way.
Josie says
Oh, I just want to tell you that this blog is an answer to prayer. I prayed specifically for someone to come into my life with wisdom and experience to help me figure out how the heck to do this thing called life, wifehood, motherhood (lacking such resources in my own family circle). A few years ago I prayed that often and desperately with an ache in my heart. And then I met your blog a year or two ago?and have not prayed that since! Oh Happy Day! I do send up prayers of thanksgiving with each post!:))
I say Auntie “Lee-la”, knowing all the while I'm wrong, and I keep trying to fix it.
Donna L. says
Hi Auntie Leila and thank you for this glimpse into you and your family and life!
I am amazed that you are so modest about what you do. It does give inspiration and ideas to me, without making me feel completely inept..thanks for that!
I appreciate that you are on “my side” as I do not have a blog, ought NOT to be taking time out of my time even reading your blog {guilty coffee-break pleasure} I should be: cleaning, organizing, teaching, vacuuming, reading etc. . When I read many of your posts, having grown up as a latch-key oldest of three, I have learned so many things that I wish I'd known before!
My request? What would you say to a Mom of several, who needs a pep-talk? Specifically staying the course even though there aren't currently any friends around who agree with being counter-cultural in things like media, courting {rather than dating} college-bound ideals vs. not, as well as living our faith? I, too, am a Convert to the faith, and don't share it with family. Thank you in advance for your answers.
_Leila says
Donna L, my pep talk is very simple: SO MUCH DEPENDS ON IT!
Hang in there, girl, because think about it — the world depends on YOU. YOUR children will be salt and light to the world.
Never feel guilty for reading this blog 🙂
Seriously, don't even worry about not having kindred spirits. Meet any glimmer of agreement with gratitude, take it for what it's worth, and don't worry about the rest. Believe that God has a plan for you, right where you are.
Remember that if you put in the work and ENJOY your family, they will grow up to be your best friends. Takes a while, but so worth it just for that!
Donna L. says
Thank you, SO MUCH! I'm reading this through tear-filled eyes and nodding–{it's been “one of those weeks”} and I really needed to read this right. now. I often am not quite sure what God has in mind for me, since I feel woefully inadequate at my “profession and vocation”!
I *will* hang in there…what else could I possibly do?
God bless you and keep you!
{Our family motto: Never give up, NEVER surrender!–Love the motto idea–thank you for that, too}
Karen M says
As a longtime reader, I knew most of this, but it was fun to read it all in one place. 🙂 I have a specific question regarding homeschool curriculum–how do you go about choosing it for each individual child? Do you stick with a curriculum from a Catholic company? Classical curriculum? Do you pick and choose based on temperament and learning style? My boys are still too young for earnest homeschooling (5, 3, and on the way–field trips and nature walks over here!), but I do wonder what your method has been. Thank you if you have a chance to write a response!
_Leila says
Karen, do poke around in the homeschooling posts — in the category “education.” My methods are there and can't be summarized in a comment reply, because, alas, I don't go for one curriculum, if only. Life would be so much easier!
Start here: http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org//2012/09/a…
SuzyQHomemaker says
Will you be my mom too? 🙂 Your response to a private email last week was an answer to a prayer. God bless you and your family! If I made any requests for future posts, it would be a) how to survive the teenage years and b) how to cook, because my kids insist I am majorly failing in that department. Our family has multiple food allergies and picky eaters. I thought I loved to cook until I met my worst critics.
_Leila says
SuzyQH, poke around here: http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org//search/la…
And in the purity post, I link to others.
The teenage years are the payoff! Do not fear. You will have the most fun with your teenagers if you live in a cultural way and give them good friends but keep them out of the peer culture.
As to cooking, hm. I will think on that one. Do you have basic cookbooks like Joy of Cooking or Better Homes and Gardens? With all the internet food input, it's easy to forget that most of this has been formulated before.
I learned to cook because I LOVE TO EAT. Think of what you want to eat and then search out the best recipe, practicing and failing to get it right. As to sites, I recommend Gourmet (alas, the magazine is defunct, but the recipes are well tested, so look for the Epicurious recipes that come from Gourmet — NOT Bon Appetit). Smitten Kitchen. And this is a good site for basic, tasty recipes: http://www.simplyrecipes.com/
Good luck!
LJ says
Food allergies are challenging in the kitchen! If your allergies are wheat and dairy (like mine), then I highly recommend avoiding American cookbooks – they'll just make you miserable since 80% is wheat and dairy. Look for crockpot recipes like the ones here (http://www.mamaandbabylove.com/2013/10/22/slow-cooker-tips-tricks/),” target=”_blank”> http://www.mamaandbabylove.com/2013/10/22/slow-cooker-tips-tricks/),” target=”_blank”>(http://www.mamaandbabylove.com/2013/10/22/slow-cooker-tips-tricks/), live on stirfries, salads, and potatoes, rice, & beans for those hungry hungry boys! Again, if you have some sort of allergy that knocks out most American food, look in vegetarian/vegan/celiac sorts of blogs for fresh ideas. It's much better to enjoy cranberry-roasted chicken than to try to find some awful way to make wheat & dairy free mac & cheese! (It never works. Never.)
_Leila says
LJ is so right. I cringe when someone suggests they will bring a gluten-free pasta salad to a party! Just bring a rice salad! Ugh!
The big basic cookbooks give you the skills to roast and braise your meats, cook veggies properly, and make good sauces in various ways, not just using flour. To be a clever cook, you need the basic skills!
Then you can put those great ideas to work.
Rebecca says
What a gift you and yours are! You have made a difference in our lives.
My 15 yr. old daughter reads over my shoulder every day so it's Like Mother Like Daughter x 2.
ayearinskirts says
I wrote you a question about 2 years ago and I still read your reply once in awhile! So just know that those emails aren't just tossed back into the cyber trashbin. 🙂
Rain says
I agree! I printed my reply and still read it every now and again.
Jennifer says
I think once upon a time I read a comment on your blog about cleaning the house for an hour a day, which included dishes, and then to move on and know you did your best. Really, only an hour? I think about this all the time because I spend way more time on this each day. Am I just the slowest person ever or do I need to reinterpret this state of chaos perpetually on the brink as Reasonably Clean. My kids are a 5 year old boy, 3 year old girl and 1 year old boy, in case that factors in.
_Leila says
Jennifer, I am pretty sure I said AT LEAST an hour. 🙂 And I think I didn't include dishes? I'd have to go back and look.
Like, it's unrealistic to have a bunch of kids (say, three or more) and think that you don't have to work for at least an hour.
Some days, you must clean most of the day. Those are your cleaning days. At least a solid morning just cleaning.
But some days you need to not clean. Simply blitz and get out and do what you have to do. So the over-cleaners need to work fast, do the minimum, get the kids to help, and then stop.
With little kids, the key is indeed to do your hour and then LEAVE. You can't dirty a house if you're not there! (By you I mean the little stinkers.) Go to the playground. Go to a friend's house (she can come to yours on her cleaning day).
Challenge yourself and see how you do!
Jennifer says
Thank you so much for the clarification! I am amazed at all these replies! So kind!
Kari says
I've often wondered if you could make a house call and give me some tips based on what you observe! 🙂
Sarah @ ALT says
No!!! No house calls! I would be mortified. 😉 Then Leila would see the state of my master bedroom (which is definitely not the haven it should be) and the fact that I don't know what's for dinner. Mortifying, truly, for someone who reads every LMLD post (usually more than once).
sigh.
nancy in ak says
I have a friend who is named Leila and she pronounces it LEE-la, so that it always how I have said your name. I think what makes your blog so good is that you are a very good writer and you have a lot of experience.
Mary says
Auntie Leila, I would love to know more behind the story of when you began to homeschool your children and why. I think I remember reading here that you had pulled some portion of your children out of school out of frustration with the sheer amount of paper they brought home. I laugh every time I think of that!
My husband loves your husband's writing. And I'm always here at your blog fiendishly awaiting any bloggy scraps that may fall from your table. We just love your talented family. I second the request to hear more about how you and the Chief met as well as your conversion to Catholicism. Praying prayers of gratitude for the gift your family has been to mine!
_Leila says
Mary, I began to homeschool when I was reading about education and homeschooling, getting books out of the library and of course talking about it nonstop to my friends. One day, Rosie and Sukie were at the library getting out books for themselves (it was summer), and they confidently told the librarian that I was going to homeschool them in the fall — in that way that kids have of taking your every little comment and making it a fact.
Well, for the sake of family honor, I had to do it! 🙂
Seriously, though, my main objection was the work I foresaw. But the reality was that with kids in four different schools, each bringing home mountains of paper and “parent homework” — you know what I mean? — I figured, how can it be less than that? Just the time in the car…
And yanking baby out of his nap…
it just didn't add up for me to keep them in. Although we thought we were giving Nick a great opportunity by keeping him in a good school, so he never did homeschool. I figured things out a little too late, although it worked out for him, I think. Still. I think that no matter what, a parent will regret their decisions! I've done it all and regretted it all! 🙂
You do your best, right?
Mary Elizabeth says
I know I messaged you today about this but too late thought to seek out a response on the blog! how old were your kiddos when you pulled the girls out? My eldest will be in 4th grade next year, with a 3rd grader, 1st and kindergardener behind them and the idea is exhilarating and terrifying!
Leila says
Mary Elizabeth, I somehow overlooked this question, and it’s too late now, but my kids were in 3rd and 1st. My eldest still went to school. And I had three littles at home. Then I had #6 and things went very wrong with the birth. I had to send the kids back to school.
After the next year, we went back to homeschooling.
It’s only terrifying until you accept that you will be HOME. And then it’s fun.
Kate says
My question would be about your house. I envy its size and venerable age, but I also wonder if you find it hard to maintain or at least harder than you'd like. I ask because we have an old home (1940's) that we bought in “as in condition” (the only thing in our budget with land) and sometimes I wonder what we were thinking. My husband is not handy although he has become more so out of necessity, and he is very busy with his paying job. I was raised in a handy household, so I (and my boys as they've gotten older) have done most of the repairs and maintenance. But I am really getting tired of it – it consumes so much time and money! This week I re-glazed four double hung windows and made repairs on the frames. I've got more windows to work on tomorrow while my husband patches some leaks in the roof. The guys at the hardware store and I are on first name basis and they joke about my “daily” visits (slight exaggeration). It seems like it is never ending and it eats into my homeschooling and homemaking. Don't even get me started on maintaining the five acres we live on. I really understand why older couples sell their family homes and move into maintenance free condos!
_Leila says
Kate, my house is huge and not that old for this area, but older. Taking care of an old house is a big commitment and for one of this size, well, it is crazy. We need to be millionaires and we are not. We aren't even that handy.
My only consolation is that at the time we were looking it was a true God-send in terms of affordability. When you have a big family, a husband who works at home, another adult living with you, and are homeschooling, there are certain criteria… and yet much much smaller houses in bad places (traffic, no land, bad condition) were way more expensive.
So that's my story. I am on the lookout for a small cottage by the water!
Mrs. B. says
Now that I know you like Gerald Durrell I love you even more 🙂
I don't remember when I first discovered your blog, but have been a faithful reader for a long time. I learn something every time I read your posts – I like the anticipation I feel, wondering what Auntie Leila might have on her mind today… I wish I could put my finger on what it is that makes your posts so useful, and maybe it's something intangible, simply the way you talk about the lessons you've learned from life and your ability to extract a universal meaning from them, something that will help anyone. I am very grateful you share so much!
My husband and I are trying hard to raise a tightly-knit family, feeling we're a bit on our own because of various failures in our original families – your posts about family life, about what to expect in that famous “second decade” and how to prepare for it, are truly invaluable. In a way, it is consoling that you yourself come from a broken family: it shows things can be made right, even with the scars we carry with us.
Maybe the thing I am most grateful about is your joyful vision of home life: both my husband and I wholeheartedly desired that I stay at home, but to my surprise (oh, the naivete!), I found that life at home can be pretty hard if one takes it the wrong way, and your blog shows the right attitude, the right direction! (Though I still need to learn to “love” dusting… So far my idea has been to acquire bookshelves with doors – does wonders in reducing dusting duty! But the rest of my house is dreadful!)
Thank you to all your daughters, too – I've enjoyed engagement season, wedding season, and now baby season! And Bits&Pieces always has a few gems for me to enjoy. (I'm also a regular reader of CatholicCulture.org, so I feel like a friend of the family – have you counted how many of your readers have said “I wish we were neighbors”??? Put me in that list, too)
_Leila says
Mrs. B — I don't recall every suggesting that one will love dusting! However, if you love keeping your home, you might find dusting doesn't hurt so much. Think of it as wiping things off…
Leila says
Reading through these comments and just want to say, “Thank you Mrs. B for all your kind words” — I do appreciate them and wouldn’t want you to think that I didn’t, based on my short answer originally!
blessedwinter says
you are wonderful and inspiring and lovely, and so is that beautiful family of yours. That's all.
Catherine says
Oh, Auntie Leila,
You do make sense, lots of common sense! I fall in the “easily overwhelmed” camp, and your wisdom and experience are exactly what I need. Your ability to say things well can only be explained as a gift. You have it, and thus are a good person to be telling other people what to do! And, I personally think you do have expertise, and the proof is in the “pudding” (i.e. your grown children). They are still Catholic, are good citizens, and good family-makers. You had a big hand in that, and thus we can trust that what you are saying is true and works. I too love reading your posts and am always encouraged, convicted, and/or entertained. I also wish we were neighbors. Please, please never stop! I don't know what I would do if this blog ever went away.
Thank you so, so much.
Serene in Singapore says
Love your blog and seriously when I grow up I want to be just like you! It helps that I have 7 children too! Lol! What I really appreciate about your blogging is how calm, matter-of-fact and gentle you come across. I blog too but I think I often come across as rather strident and proud 🙁 So I am working on toning things down on the blog since people can't see or hear me.
Sarah @ ALT says
Oh my goodness! The plane! The book! The hoping so badly for a kindred spirit conversation to strike up about it. Yes, that's me. See, we just haven't ever ended up sitting next to one another on the plane. 🙂
(That is because I have six young children. I don't go on planes.)
Every so often I'm asked on my blog for advice on how to do laundry or housework or whatever and I always just shake my head (“no, you don't want my advice; I'm drowning here”) and tell them to visit you! And then I re-read all of your archives on laundry and housework and what not because, like I said, I'm drowning, most of the time.
But now I get to say I one-up you on *one thing*. Twins. 🙂
I would love to hear your thoughts on how a busy homeschooling mother can make more time for prayer. Or perhaps how best to spend that time of prayer? Struggling here.
_Leila says
Sarah, I don't know that the busy homeschooling mother can make more time for prayer. I'm very bad at it!
I would say, use the time you have and trust that it's what God wants from you now. Don't always be thinking that MORE is required of you.
If you can get to Mass, that is the perfect prayer. Use that time well (for me, even that is hard, because it's so early! I'm not a morning person! I wake up sometime after the consecration!).
If you can say the Rosary as a family, use that time well.
Try to make your quiet moments a conversation with God, rather than a hamster-wheel of the thoughts that constitute just… talking to ourselves (complaining? fretting? worrying? repeating mindless phrases from nursery rhymes?).
This was my best shot: http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org//2011/01/p…
Amanda says
I adore your blog, just adore it. It's helped me survive through three moves and three of our 6.5 years of marriage so far. Seriously, when I was isolated and alone in the middle of west virginia your wise advice via email on my son's bedtime issues really helped me 'get' my boy. I can happily say he's a happier boy with much more outdoor time than any of my neighbors' kids because of you. They think I'm nuts because he's outside in all weather with or without me (he's 5 now) but he's so so happy, he falls asleep well at night, and he just looks healthier than any of the other kids in our poor neighborhood.
Like others I would love to know what caused you to begin homeschooling? And convert to Catholicism?
And do constant reader e-mails get annoying (be honest!)? Because I may have another more specific question than anyone on here wants to hear about…unless someone else here has adopted an 11 year old girl recently? lol!
_Leila says
Amanda, see my reply to Mary, above, on starting homeschooling.
I love reader emails!
Amanda K. says
Auntie Leila! I have a couple of questions, if you are available to answer. They're all kind of related.
First, was your husband a cradle Catholic, or did he also convert? If he was a cradle Catholic, how did you learn about Catholic culture, and bring it into your home? Were there any special challenges with raising your children Catholic in regards to the non-Catholic members of your family? Do you have any advice to young, newly married Catholics? I ask all this because I converted to Catholicism in high school, and have recently married a cradle Catholic. I am learning a lot of new stuff that I never came across while studying Catholicism every day.
_Leila says
Amanda K., my husband is a cradle Catholic, Boston Irish, doesn't get more cradle than that 🙂
The road to our best effort at Catholic culture was a long one, however, still in progress. I'd say that not a whole lot was passed down from his family, although his parents were very devout in their own way. It's the loss of memory, though…
I did rely on his “Catholic horse-sense” which keeps things from sailing off into weirdo-land 🙂
My advice to all families is to live your Sundays. God will show you the way. Also, shortly I will have a more comprehensive answer to all this 🙂
Meanwhile, check out the “building the culture” posts….
_Leila says
Thanks to all the readers who said such loving things about the blog! You are all so kind. I can't tell you how much each and every comment made me happy. I would indeed love to be neighbors with all of you.
The question of my conversion is one that I will write about someday. I touched upon it here: http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org//2011/09/e…
(this post comes with my most popular recipe 🙂
I will continue to check in here and answer questions to the best of my ability!
A big hug to you all!
Kathy says
Thank you Leila! I have enjoyed reading all the answers. I also appreciated your taking the time to reply to an email I sent you last year, it meant a great deal to me. We are homeschooling our youngest children this year after all, and bringing three more home next year, with the first 3 adults now (it goes too fast).
I'm book marking this post, I love all the insight and answers.
The thing I love most about you though is that your willing to own you like giving advice, it has been kinda freeing to me to be honest about sharing what works for me and liking to talk, visit, and dive deep with people even total strangers. I truly appreciate your humility and honesty about who you are, it has been the biggest teacher to me of all.
natcu says
“Sometimes you know the truth even though you aren’t the best exemplar.”
Woof. That's a hard truth sometimes!
Tori says
I kept meaning to comment, but I was waiting until I had enough time to express what I wanted to say. But that time never seems to come! So I'll make it short and sweet. I am so very thankful for all that you and your daughters have done with this blog. I find it very encouraging for a person like me – a lot like your descriptions at the beginning of the posts about how to tackle things like housework, etc.The stuff about parenting is like a gold mine, so many great things to sift through. And everything is wrapped up in such a beautiful package. I don't know how long it will take me to ready your archives, but I am working on it! Thank you for all that you do.
chantelle says
I wonder if I ask a question now will it be too late for a response?
I recently re-read your response to the lady who was feeling guilty for not working. Part of your advice to her was to use her time to learn things, to grow and to read. My little girl is 15 months old and I'm just pregnant with baby no. 2 and I've been thinking that now would be a good time to do some reading perhaps even develop a reading list, as I do have time at the moment. However modern parenting books give me the heebeejeebees, I can't trust myself to read them as I know, even if I fundamentally disagree with what they say I will feel morally compelled to live up to their expectations. I know there must be good, beneficial books out there but I just don't know what they are. Could you perhaps recommend some titles that may be advantageous to a young mum? The older my little girl gets the more clueless I feel!
(I think you recommended The Abolition of Man by CS Lewis and I read Lewis' The problem of Pain as preparation for labour last time so I think perhaps we might have similar tastes in these matters!)
Thank you for your blog. You manage to tell people (aka me) what they probably ought to be doing without making me feel like a failure. Also you remind me that I'm not the only one, even though you all are very far away! (I'm Australian). I've been praying the God will lead me to some real life kindred spirits but in the meantime you all make me feel a little less lonely.
_Leila says
chantelle, that's a great question. Maybe I will do a post about this kind of reading — a crash course on the collective memory!
I agree about parenting books. Ugh. Instead, better to read about natural childbirth, breastfeeding and childspacing (a great book is Sheila Kippley's Breastfeeding and Natural Child Spacing http://www.amazon.com/Breastfeeding-Natural-Spaci… and books by and about Maria Montessori. If you read through my nursing and baby posts I recommend books there (also look in the “books” category).
Also, start reading through the Library Project, because the children's literature will form you well. If you are not familiar with the books and the books they organically lead you to, then you have a fun time ahead of you!
Hang out in the 600's in your local library. There you will find plenty of interesting books about gardening, cooking, home keeping, and every other thing that relates to making a home. The more well worn the book, the better! Go down the next aisle up for interesting essays and biographies.
If you love Lewis, you may also love Chesterton's Everlasting Man (edited — at first I said Abolition of Man!) and Orthodoxy. And what about Dorothy Sayers? She wrote many a good essay.
In terms of educating children, I highly recommend John Taylor Gatto's Underground History of American Education (mostly for his memoir of growing up in Western Pennsylvania) and the Moore's Better Late than Early.
You might choose a book and see if you can find some friends to read with. Get together to knit or patch jeans, bring yummy food, and read a chapter a month. You never know…
I will keep thinking about it!
Natasha says
Auntie Leila,
I remember you posting about what to do with toddlers while homeschooling but right now I have an 8th grader, 5th grader, soon to be 4 year old, 2 year old, and a 4 month old. The soon to be 4 year old is really no longer a toddler and I'd like to know what to do with her during the school day (sort of pre-school type work). Right now I try to read to her every day, do some counting, and just let her play. She's a ball of energy so without something structured all day, she descends into mischief. My command of “go play” usually comes back to bite me in the form of ridiculous messes, injuries, and whining for a movie….which I rarely acquiesce to. Any thoughts?
_Leila says
Natasha, I do have some posts on schooling with littles, and of course there are also the “Reasonably Clean” posts which talk about what children should do to help around the house (under “we're in it together” in the categories).
A 4 yo is starting to be able to do more, but also needs some structure. She may be able to do a few worksheets on her own, as well as supervise the 2 yo (under your eye, of course). You may have to invest in a fenced-off area of your yard and a big sand pit or other fun thing to do outside.
I suggest looking at Montessori-style blogs to see all the things a 4 yo could do. Once you create a place in your home, even a corner, where she can do her work, she will be absorbed and you won't be so stressed. I talk about all this in this post:
http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org//2012/09/a…
elizabethe says
I love the Auntie Leila parts of the blog, but to my eternal shame (and recognizing that this is entirely a fault within me), find the other parts — the crafty picture-y beautiful family closeness parts — the opposite of inspiring, they make me feel resentful and jealous that I do not have what you all have.
So I just read Auntie Leila, though if could adopt myself into your family, I would. Thank you so much!
_Leila says
elizabethe — Well, I'm glad you come at all! I would just say that I hope you or anyone else who might feel put off by anything here understands that it's all offered in the spirit of “If I can do any of this, so can you.” Beauty is everywhere, and also suffering.
If you didn't know what Auntie Leila has to work with (especially in the way of weeds and piles of unfinished crafts), you wouldn't listen to her 🙂 Try to see the unspoken bits too… or just pop in when you can! You are most welcome.
Meghan says
I like to know how it came to be that your mother lives with you and for how long she's lived with you. Did she live with you when you had lots of little ones still at home? I know my mother and I would clash if we lived together, but you seem to have a beautiful and close relationship. How do you make that work?
I'm also curious about how far apart your children are in age. If they are sensitive about their ages perhaps you could just state when the youngest was 1 you also had a 3 year old, 4 year old, 7 year old, etc.
What's your favorite flavor of ice cream?
Do you have a guilty pleasure?
What's your favorite holiday memory?
Will you start doing more vlog posts? I've been reading the archives and you did a couple and it was so nice to hear your voice, but you didn't show your face at the same time. I want to put a face with the voice.
_Leila says
Meghan, my mother came to live with us when Joseph was born and we lived in Indiana. So we did have four littles at home! Mothers and daughters can clash, but we try to make it work!
Our kids 2, 2, 1 1/2, 2, 3, and 6 years apart! Oldest to littlest. So when Bridget was 1, Will was 7, Deirdre was 10, Joseph was 12, Sukie was 13, Rosie was 15, and Nick was 17. More or less, depending on what time of year it was 🙂
My favorite flavor of ice cream is obviously chocolate chip. Brigham's, which is a regional brand here, and that means I will have to live here forever, no matter how cold I feel. Second would be Haagan Daz caramel cone, I think. But in the end I just want the chocolate chip.
Ice cream is my guilty pleasure 🙂 Followed by ice tea. Basically, I would like to be able to eat ice cream and drink ice tea all day, every day.
Holiday memory… I dunno. That's hard. But I do have a wonderful memory of our first Christmas tree together, the two of us and our very new baby. If it hadn't been for a new baby, we wouldn't have stayed home for Christmas. No lights, no decorations — just a tree. Must have seemed quite odd to others (although we were fairly alone, so I don't know that anyone other than my mother, who is used to my oddness, saw it). But to me it was beautiful and stark and fragrant and a promise. It was Jesus in the manger to me, poor and cold and loved.
Aw, thanks about the videos! I would like to make some — it would be fun! I think Bridget is a good film-maker, because she and I laugh together. I'd like to post about the Norwegian purl technique (not that I know that much about knitting but the only video about it is hard to figure out) and about making bread. Thanks for the encouragement!