The River Shannon on the way to Glin, the town where my Irish ancestors are from. |
I have so many more pictures of Ireland to share with you (stop that groaning right now!). But the drama is pretty much over, so what I'm going to do is write about some other things that are on my mind and illustrate with pictures of Bridget in ruins (I mean posing in the stone ruins of some ancient castle, not suffering from any decay herself, quite the contrary), cows, pastures, hedgerows, and moody skies.
The castle in Glin. |
That way we'll kill two birds with one stone.
I'm acutely aware of some threads I haven't tied up in some series I may or may not have started.
Literally several readers are on tenterhooks waiting to find out what my deep conclusions on cleaning the rest of the house may be, if only because they like that assurance that my ineptitude gives them.
I'm not being falsely modest here — right now my house feels, apart from the windows Suzanne and Bridget cleaned, like a cross between a dorm and a honey processing plant, with all that conjures up in the way of sticky clutter.
This burial ground was in the ruins of what we think might be the abbey we were looking for early on. It's truly this cock-eyed. |
And while there is almost certainly no one who cares about my truly profound ideas on what it means to be a woman, for my own amusement I was going to work on my magnum opus (hey, for some kitchen philosophers a blog post counts as a magnum opus) during my halcyon days in my fairy-tale cottage, but that did not pan out.
I'm not giving up…I have lots to say…but for now, seeing as I am going to be a grandmother, I'd like to offer up a few thoughts here on expecting a baby. Don't get me wrong. I think Rosie is handling things very well, as far as I can tell from 3000 miles away…I only wish I could be with her to talk about all the little plans and help her spray paint baby stuff. I'm so excited…I can't believe this new phase of life is here!
But I am a little afraid of what I've noticed: That some girls succumb to what I call “the culture of freaking out.”
This is where girls today freak out when life happens. Normal life isn't the norm anymore.
I think that there's a funny combination of a lack of stability in people's personal lives and extreme consumerism that makes some women quite anxious.
If you grew up with some fundamental uncertainties (and here I'm talking about the decades-old entrenched habits of divorce, self-medication, lack of babies in everyday life, and some other stuff that you might be familiar with), and if on top of that you were exposed to the relentless practice, from a young age, of using shopping as a drug or control mechanism, you are going to be seriously off balance when you are faced with something as elementally challenging as bringing forth new life from your body.
Even if you are a person who is basically in an emotionally and physically healthy place, but are surrounded by (i.e. went to college, are friends, or roomed with) such people, you are going to feel the freakage creeping in. You are not immune to freakage.
It's depressing to see someone actually worrying, to the point of making herself sick, about what she will buy for the baby. I'm wondering at the energy used to identify the hippest stroller, which, naturally, is shockingly expensive. I'm all for getting a good stroller, but let's keep some perspective (and start honing some thrifting skills).
But I'm more concerned about two other freak-outs. First, today's girl is frantic that she won't be thin after the baby is born.
She's probably right.
That's okay. You do know what a warped body image is, right? Give yourself some mental room, because you have a new mission: nurturing your baby and your new family — narcissism will just slow you down!
You will be a different shape and full of various fluids. It takes time to process all that. Give yourself time.
Know that despite the occasional naturally skinny person, most ladies wear maternity clothes directly after giving birth.
For six weeks, assume that your body has to work back to equilibrium after being asked to provide life support for two persons in one mode, and then launch right into providing life support for two persons in a different mode.
At the holy-water fonts at Knock. Bridget was so happy to have her friend along with us for a few days. |
Fortunately, that second mode (nursing the baby) uses a vast amount of calories. Your only task will be to make sure that you are eating enough high-quality food, by which I mean simple wholesome meats, grains, vegetables, and fruits, with enough fats to supply all the nutrients you need.
Please eat some real butter. Eat real meals, three times a day. Drink a lot of water, iced tea, and cranberry juice (but no high-fructose corn syrup, please!). And you may be pleasantly surprised at how quickly the weight drops off and you are ready to get back to life as usual.
The foot of Patrick's mountain. |
Clew Bay, with Croagh Patrick behind us. |
Instead of dieting and worrying about weight gain, which is perfectly normal and probably simply controlled by heredity, you should start thinking about what the right way to feed a family is, because soon you won't be the baby, you'll have a baby.
Another body-related freak-out centers on labor and delivery. One reason C-section rates are so high is what I've called the medicalization of obstetrics.
But let's be honest. If there weren't a demand, there wouldn't be such a supply. I'm shocked to know that there are women who consider a C-section the “easy way out” — because it's not. Educate yourself. I had one C-section (with Bridget), necessitated by my ruptured uterus with my sixth child, William. The C-section recovery was miserable.
Yes, labor and delivery can be hard (and most of mine were very hard). They can also be not that bad or even ridiculously easy, particularly if you are reasonably fit, and I don't mean obsessing about going to the gym, which, frankly, is just a warped way of looking at life. I just mean limber and strong.
The college-girl's panacea — working out at the gym to offset binge eating or exhaustion — stinks. It's no way to live. It buys into a dualistic and mechanistic view of the body. And it will lead to poor health.
The intense mountains of Connemara. Bridget left her heart here! |
Put things in their proper balance.
Believe that your body was made by God to do this, it's not a disease to be pregnant and give birth, and chances are things will be fine. If there is a problem, we are very blessed to have modern science to step in, but we have to keep it within the bounds of common sense.
Be the person with common sense. Become a mother.
Silly sheep. |
Jessie says
Auntie Leila (because that is actually what we call you in my house), I love you so much. You always have something straight-forward, sensible, and godly to say. I know only one woman like you (a Titus 2 woman) in real life. I hope to be like you when my time for that comes.
Rebecca says
Great post! And I would add that motherhood is the perfect time to embrace (not just endure) the fact that we're not in control. Honestly, I credit a surrendered attitude with the fact that I got through first time labor/delivery unmedicated.
Hillary says
Be the person with commonsense. Become a mother.
That might become my mantra.
Blondee says
Marvelous photos. A close friend just went to Ireland this spring, and the photos are so lush and vivid.
By the time the pregnancy is closer to the due date, the last thing on her mind will be her waist line! 🙂
Mrs. Mobunny says
Being informed is the best thing in almost any given situation. Read books, watch others, ask questions, weed out what you don't like and put into practice what you do like. Research and learn. Be as prepared as you can be. It is possible. It is very rewarding, too.
freckledhen says
Such inspiring words combined with beautiful pictures, I wish I had more to read! I also wish I could have read this before I had my first child nearly 18 years ago. A time in which though I feared I didn't know what I was doing, I also felt empowered as a mother. It was hard to be surrounded by women who thought breastfeeding was outdated, and why in the world would I want to use cloth diapers? Yes, it is hard not to freak out when those around you are. Congrats to Rosie–how lucky she is to have you no matter how far the miles between. And congrats to you and your husband!
50s Housewife says
I love the way you expressed this! “The Culture of Freaking Out” is exactly what it is. I also love your pictures and the way they compliment your post.
Mrs of the Regiment says
What a wonderful post Leila. I found my way here a couple of weeks ago via Down to Earth.
I gave birth to my baby girl 18 weeks ago and 2 days before the birth (on Maunday thursday as it happens) opted, on the obstetricians advice to have an elective ceasearean. Do you know what I worried about for the two days in between, apart from definite terror at the impending procedure? What friends and relatives, who had so bluntly since learning of pregnancy, put forward their views that a natural birth was the only option, would think of me. Not, that by opting for a c-section I had significantly reduced the risks to my daughter who had showed on the pre-natal scan the cord caught around her neck.
And, a quick comment on the weight thing. I did feel slightly horrified as the pregnancy progressed at the weight I was gaining. I found the best thing was just to ignore it for a decent length of time. I waited until 12 weeks after the birth to weigh myself for the first time and, surprise, the breastfeeding calories had whittled away all the weight I had gained over the pregnancy.
What a great message 'not to freak out'.
CoffeeTeaBooks&Me says
My daughter was a brilliant scholar throughout high school and college (there are twelve years between our kids, she was in public school while we homeschooled our son).
She now has five children and tells me she can't find her way to the garage, hehehe. Rather than losing brain cells with each child, she likes to think it is just the distractions of motherhood affecting her brain.
Kimberly says
This was a fun post to read. It was like watching a slide show with a bunch of girlfriends, sharing great conversation!!! Your pics of Ireland have been really great and you are right on about being a mother!
Alice says
This. THIS was what I needed to hear, as an only child who grew up around so few babies she's never changed a diaper.
I was on the subway today with a young couple bringing their babe-in-arms home. I couldn't stop looking at the mother, she was so beautiful and happy every time she looked at her son.
Keri says
Yup. Just what you said. I'm going to print it and carry it around in my purse, and then hand it to the next person who asks me (as their pastor's wife) how are they going to do this?!?!
Allison says
I think a big reason modern mothers are worried about their weight after pregnancy is because they have to worry about fitting into their work/office clothes again in a mere six weeks. A point which just might lead to another post? I thank God everyday for my good husband who is willing to sacrifice so that I can stay home with our children. And be encouraged and uplifted by wisdom such as this blog. Thank you!
Elizabeth says
I would suggest she hook up with some down to earth mamas such as La Leche League or maybe a doula (sinc eI happen to be a doula, I know that we can ease the stress and anxiety).
Suzanne says
Thank you, thank you, thank you for that post! I needed to read it! Even though I am 35 years old, I have a hard time remembering sometimes that I am the mother. Our culture's way of raising young women inclines them to think only of themselves — their careers, their possessions, their bodies, their lives. Mothering truly throws me for a loop because I have become so inwardly focussed. Those of us who went to public schools and busied ourselves with activities and academics for the majority of our waking hours and then went off to college, haven't seen enough of mothering to know how to do it well. There are so few role models for us. Thank you for being one.
Your post made me think of this quote, which I read on another blog this evening:
“The cult of the body is best served by the cult of the soul. It is a by-product, not a goal; it is a fruit, not a root. That is why no one ever becomes truly beautiful until he stops trying to make himself beautiful and begins making himself good. Mary was not “full of grace” because she was beautiful; she was beautiful because she was full of grace.” Archbishop Fulton J Sheen
Rosie says
What a lovely post! If you didn't grow up a certain way, I think it is very hard to see babies as part of the natural progression. I'm 25 and pregnant with #3(at this rate I could end up with A LOT of kids). Pregnancy, birth, and being a mom are not easy, but in so many ways, they are so very rewarding. Thanks for all your posts; they are all really lovely!
Melissa says
Thank you for this post, Auntie Leila, and congratulations on the impending arrival of your first grandchild! After a crazy day with my toddler and baby today, this was exactly the reminder that I needed. Motherhood rocks.
Denise says
I love the pics – hope you have more! Part of my family was from Ireland and Scotland and England and…. I'm a mutt 😉 Very good advice you are giving too!
michelle says
Congratulations! What a wonderful next step in your life, I know you are looking forward to it. What a beautiful note and advice for your daughter, you are a very wise mother. I truly enjoy your posts and always look forward to reading them. We have just had our 4th child and first daughter, your wisdom inspires often to be a better mother, thank you.
The pictures are beautiful. Ireland is on my mental bucket list. 🙂
margo says
And the comments contribute to the wisdom! I love it.
AMEN to what you said, Auntie Leila. I freaked out with my first child to the extent that I had post partum depression and a long recovery. With the second, things were much better and although I had classic postpartum, I was much less freaked out and more capable. And now I'm dealing with my husband's looooong search for a job after he was laid off, and I'm not freaking out (often). So I feel proud of myself. But I also know it's the mercy of God, too, and the loving hands of God's people.
A note also to the cultural baby craziness: most of the safety features nowadays are ridiculous. A few of them are actually helpful (I like baby monitors, although my mother sniffs scornfully). I try to use my common sesne and not trust some device to protect my child.
MamaHen says
Amen sista! To it all.
FoxFire says
Great post! I am enjoying your blog very much. Have a great day
Tammy Bush-White says
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your wisdom with those of us in the “cyber” world! I am Blessed to have a mother with much the same wisdom and that keeps me from “freaking out” about issues created by modern society most of the time.. but I'm sure God led me to your blog – for back-up – I believe : ) !! My children are 22 and 19, and every day with them from conception to today has been a Blessing (yes, even the difficult times) and I also teach high school where countless parents trust me with the nurturing of their teenagers on a daily basis. These words seem to come to me at just the right time reminding me that as I begin this new school year I want to model strong values to my students that will also combat the “culture of freaking out” whether it be about body image, materialistic pressures of their society or life in-general!
emily says
auntie leila, i loved this post. and really look forward to your continued thoughts on what it means to be a woman. thank you for doing your part to help restore the “collective memory” in your corner of the world. i am finding this whole process (marriage, motherhood, schooling, etc. my own children after divorce, bottles, private school, etc. during my own childhood) to be a edifying, beautifying, rewarding, REDEMPTIVE, and yet difficult process. (as another wise mother once asked me: doesn't everything that's difficult require much work?) thank you. emily
emily says
of course i meant to type doesn't everything that's worth doing require much work? but i think you all knew what i meant. 🙂 cheers. emily
charug211 says
We hear talk of ‘strong family bonds and or ‘blood being thicker than water, yet we also hear of family or so-and-so being ‘the black sheep of the family’. So, exactly what does constitute the ideal family and family experience then? To get a real understanding of how family changes and influences our lives, do visit the blog at http://oneworldacademy.wordpress.com/
Also what is your thought on http://bit.ly/bX1YRi
Jenny says
Synonym suggestions for “freak out”:
agonize, complicate, discommode, distress, fluster, perturb, ruffle, unnerve, vex…
These seem to be the closest I'm finding (thanks, Roget!)
Mama Bean says
Oh Aunty, you always seem to post the thing that is talking TO ME right when it is talking TO ME. I have lately been struggling (?) with baby culture and consumer culture, and having friends with more money, and feeling that undermine the authenticity of our friendship, and isn't that strange? But this made me feel all better, and that my friendships are just fine and real and true, no matter what strollers we have 🙂
Bethany says
I read this post while rocking my 2 1/2 month old baby to sleep (for the third time tonight). She's my second baby, and I love being a mother. I can truly say that I didn't really freak out when faced with being a mother, but lots of my peers freaked out for me. Their panicky response to my motherhood was hard for me, and I didn't even know why–I didn't realize that they were expressing what you correctly call a culture of freaking out. On the bright side, after my first daughter was born, I made several new friends (not mothers) who possessed lots of common sense and were not of the freaking out culture. I also began to read the blogs of other common sense moms–and I'm so glad to be reading yours now! Thanks for this post.
Natasha says
An inspiring post–I do know many girls who freak out about all the “stuff” they need. I for one will refuse to buy hoards of plastic stuff when the time comes… also, I just caught up on all of your Ireland posts. Your pictures are stunning! I think you should blow a few of them up and frame them. The lighting is so spectacular!
JaneC says
I guess I am a little late to this post, but I wanted to thank you for writing it. I am not pregnant yet, but God willing I hope to be within the next year. I was raised as an only child (I had half siblings, but they were much older), and so was my husband. Neither of us has ever changed a diaper, and I never babysat a child younger than 6 years old. My mother was, by her own admission, pretty freaked out about the reality of a baby, and didn't know what to do with me. She had never been around babies either. I am really longing for a baby–seeing all the babies and pregnant women at church makes me want my own even more–but I am also afraid of pregnancy and birth and the early days of motherhood because it's a process I've only observed from a big distance.
Fortunately, with the introduction of the internet, I can get sensible advice from Auntie Leila and others. Reading posts like this does help to quell the anxiety.
miriam says
Oh, oh, OH, I needed to read this today, needed to know I'm not nuts for *not* freakingeth outeth, as my girlfriends and I like to say. My youngest is 3 months (yesterday!) and my oldest is 11. We are blessed with five children but challenged by our families' opinions, voiced loudly, about how big our family is becoming. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your writing.