I have a very difficult time getting my almost-3-year-old to nap.
After I put the baby down in the afternoon, I snuggle with my toddler, Bella, and read books. I lie down with her every day after lunch until she falls asleep — sometimes I doze too, and/or pray my Rosary while lying there.
I follow the same routine. We spend time outdoors every day – swimming, parks, walks, etc. We eat mostly wholesome foods. I like the rest time and get up feeling energetic and patient. But lately, my daughter has started screaming horrifically that she doesn't want to nap. She usually ends up waking the baby and then everyone is cranky.
Lauren
Dear Lauren!
I have two practical thoughts for you, but first a quick word about the larger issues of child development and how we approach, in general, life's little problems.
Developmental Phases
When the eldest child turns three, it's a new phase for the whole family. Different folks come to this realization at different points, but basically, it's a little scary to realize that here is a person with definite likes and dislikes as well as the power, let's not kid ourselves, to turn life upside down.
Why did we let ourselves in for this?
Did you know that just as children enter new stages of development, so do parents? Why doesn't anyone give us a heads up, instead of making it sound like we should know everything already?
Why don't they call it “the terrible parents of twos” or “meltdown when the kids get into college” or “Stop spitting when you say, ‘What? What? WHERE are you going?'”?
Who says we know what's coming next or how to deal with it? Even on the front page of the New York Times there is utter cluelessness about who is responsible when your kids get mean texts (hint: you and the other parents — not the school, and not the government — and further hint: a 12-year-old doesn't need to be able to receive or send texts, but I digress).
It's like mass amnesia — no one has the faintest idea what to do next because no one knows who they are or how they got here!
We're learning as we're going, somehow the older generation lost its will to pass on wisdom, and in fact, things get more complicated as time goes on, not less.
Have you ever heard mothers wishing aloud for the time that they could solve their child's problems by changing a diaper? Well, listen to me and my friends. “I wish I could just change a diaper.” There you have it.
Things were simple back then…
And just as a child often responds negatively to the various physical and emotional stresses brought on by having to grow, so do parents have to struggle to widen their experience; and that growth process is often difficult, alas.
The reason, of course, is that we have fallen natures — we don't unfold in our development like a puppy or a vine!
Even the growth of a child, whom we think of as so innocent and untouched by the shadow of the world, is fraught with frustration and pain. How much more so do we tainted adults have challenges that are met with tears rather than the smooth perfection we seem to expect (against all experience).
Expect Imperfection
The sooner you learn that frustration is part of the process, the happier you will be. You'll come to expect that sinking-drowning-choking feeling of not knowing what to do (and needing a nap), rather than falling into the steel-toothed-razor-edged-double-whammy trap of wondering why things can't be perfect.
Do you want to know what your own worst enemy (and mine) is?
Thinking things should be perfect.
Being upset when things are not perfect, because momentarily we lost sight of the fact that we are human beings who got kicked out of Eden long ago. We're on our journey home…we are not there yet!
And little human beings, between the ages of two and three, do give up the afternoon nap.
What it took me a long time to realize (about this and other things) is that it's not like one day they nap (or use diapers) and the next day they don't. No, there is a transition where maybe four days (not in a row) they need a nap and then the other three they don't…and this lasts for weeks or months. Some days they want to be little, and other days, big. Some days are tiring, others, less so.
Little babies need naps every day, and so do moms! So what to do when the toddler is off and on?
Oh, it can be very tiring!
As I read your question I see that you have been trying the things I would suggest.
And of course I can't tell what kind of personality she has — is she generally compliant, is she actually strong-willed…you have to take what I say with what she's really like in mind.
There are two main issues:
2) Emotionally, she is trying to establish independence from you, and this is a very good thing, although it can feel like disobedience or that you are losing control.
Physically
A child who doesn't take a nap must go to bed much earlier and must eat much earlier. I found it helpful to have a 3 or 4 pm “tea” (cheese, crackers, fruit, and milk; or a bowl of oatmeal; a small plate of yesterday's leftovers; grilled cheese…something easy for you but filling for her). Let her help you put it on her own little table on a little plate.
Active toddlers and small children generally eat more for breakfast and lunch and less towards the end of the day, which is the opposite of how adults (in our country) eat, and they are happier that way.
Try it. (Look at the total number of calories a day, rather than eating a certain amount at a certain meal. Some young children — I have had a couple — eat two breakfasts, a big lunch, and no supper! That just feels wrong! But it works for them.)
Then comes a little playing while you get supper ready for dad, story time, a walk with the baby in a stroller, or whatever you want to do from, let's say, 4-5, then a nice long bath with plenty of play time, clean pajamas, and in bed by 7 or whatever is around an hour or so earlier than her normal bedtime. (You might have to be super on top of what's for dinner.)
She can sit with you at dinner but probably won't eat much if anything, and that's fine. Let her eat a piece of bread or anything little and just enjoy your own supper. Don't stress through dinner with a tired toddler! Don't forget that some day she'll be a different age, more able to appreciate family time.
Or try the bath first and then the small meal. The only thing is that if she gets a second wind, she'll probably need another bath 🙂
If she takes a nap on a certain day, then you can have your old regular schedule and keep her up a little later. (As you do with the food, taking into account the total amount eaten all day, look at the total number of hours of sleep in a given day. If there is nothing in the afternoon, you make it up with an early bedtime.)
If that's comfortable for both of you for you to lie down with her, then it's fine — I did that with my Suzanne — I was pregnant and had to rest while one-year-old Joseph napped. We both liked it, it worked.
Emotionally
But maybe for her, not lying down with you is her way of expressing her desire to be a bit more on her own, which is the emotional side of the problem.
But…
This is the goal, you know.
That she do what she needs to do, for herself.
Yes, there is no way she should be screaming and waking up the baby.
That is so naughty.
But in her own way she is saying, “Mommy, I'm not a baby. I want to do my own thing. I have figured out how to disrupt everything, and I would rather you didn't let me do that, but I can't let go of needing not to be a baby.”
So the solution is to affirm the bigness while clearly not allowing the naughtiness. In other words, giving her an “out” by arranging things so that it's not a power struggle — so that you both get what you need.
How to do this requires thought and prayer.
The simplest way (but I think in your question you are saying this doesn't work) is to say, “Baby's sleeping, mommy desperately needs to put her head down for a few minutes. You listen to this story CD (20 or 30 minutes), color this book, play with this playdough, look at these books on your quilt spread out on the floor, play with your dollies…and when rest time is over we'll do some other things.”
It's different to say “here's a fun thing you can do, like play with playdough, and as long as you're quiet you can have it” and “IF you are quiet for 20 minutes THEN I'll make you playdough.”
Do you see the difference?
Don't say (as I so often hear), “see, you're so tired and bad, you're going to have a nap.”
I wouldn't take a nap if someone said that to me.
Just do what you need to do to distract her for half an hour, and make naps and/or rest sound like the reward, not a punishment. And if she doesn't nap when you've put it that way, she'll feel like she beat you, rather than that she missed out on a quiet peaceful time. You — not she — will have made it into a power struggle rather than what it is, a part of your day.
Also enlist her in the care of the baby. Have fun whispering and tiptoeing. Enjoy big-girl time. The two of you are a great baby-care team. You're on the same side. She loves the baby, she just doesn't want to be a baby. Except when she does.
Even if you think she needs a nap, by removing the power struggle, you leave it up to her. If she can relax enough, she will fall asleep, but if it's about controlling the time, she won't, and you will make up for it later (not without some little bumps on the road, but that's okay).
Honestly, most three-year-olds do not nap! (It's a terrible prospect, I know!!)
If the situation is beyond this, you need to put the baby to bed and then do some work: making supper early, folding laundry, anything! — just powering on through for about an hour.
I'm assuming that the baby naps for at least 2 hours. Maybe in the second hour you can see how the rhythm and energy is going and take advantage of a quieter pace that she is setting to put your head down for a few minutes.
{I don't know how you nap, but I strongly encourage you to develop the ability to nap sitting up with your head back on a pillow or just partially lying down on the sofa! Somehow going to bed is repugnant to most older children, even if it's you and not they, but they are fine if you can just get it done on the sofa. And for you, the 15-20 nap is far more productive than the 2 hour under-the-covers marathon that leaves you groggy.}
Stop the Screaming
The screaming thing has to be circumvented, and maybe it will take a week of no nap for you at all before the conditioning/habit is worked out.
However, if she screams just to push your buttons and a week of trying different habits doesn't change that, you could tell her — well before the episode begins — “If you're going to scream for no reason then you will get a spanking [go here to see what I mean by spanking]. Or if you feel like screaming you can come give me a hug instead and we'll be happy.” (You could even tell her to go outside and scream if you think a spank won't help. But then you have to deal with the neighbors 😉
Give her a chance to control herself (kindly, like you know it's hard), then if not, give her the spanking and then either let her alone or give her the hug, whichever calms her down.
Certain children of my acquaintance had to be left alone for about 5 or 10 minutes before emerging from the emotional bind to accept the hug and snuggle. It didn't work to try it before the spanking worked itself out.
It seems like if you talk to the child that will help, but it doesn't. Have the insight to understand that she is indeed a person, not a machine with a reset button that's talk-activated.
But I bet you won't need to spank for this much.
Don't forget to take your iron so you can make it through! 😉
Dear, dear Lauren, don't blame your previous parenting — this struggle happens to everyone. We are all on a developmental curve — until we die!
It's part of the normal process of the change from baby to child — and from inexperienced parent to more experienced.
She has places to go and things to do you can not imagine, and she has to have some say over her basic needs. You do know best, but you have to work with her on it, not against.
Things going smoothly is not what gives us peace. Just doing what we should be doing with love is what gives us peace!
You are doing a wonderful job, being a committed mom to your little ones!
XOXO
God bless,
Auntie Leila
Lauren writes (Auntie Leila loves to know how it works out!):
Thanks, Lauren! Oh, yes, moms need naps!
Sue says
I don't know why this post made me all teary, since I am past that point, but it did. I remember those days so well! Where were you when I was going through that, Auntie Leila?! Oh, yea, you were probably busy raising a house-full of teenagers, or something. ;o)You are such a blessing, dear Leila!
Emily (Laundry and L says
I've been having a hard time, lately, with a 5 year old who has decided that screaming is the way to respond when he doesn't get his way. A different situation, but similar, and these ideas have helped me think through it. Thanks, Auntie Leila.
Michelle says
This was a very timely post! I've been going through the same thing with my almost 3 yr. old daughter. Thank you for the great advice!
Anonymous says
Auntie Leila, you really DO "get it" and this post certainly shows it. My fifth child is 3 1/2 and I'm going through the loss of nap with her. We'll continue to work on it and help her through it while at the same time encouraging her "bigness". I really enjoy your blog. Thanks for thinking of us and sharing.Mom in MO
Anonymous says
My 3yo is at the needing 4-5 naps per week and I am regretfully accepting the transition time. We have been reminding her to 'use her words' rather than crying or screaming in frustration lately. Yesterday she was in her room and I could hear her mounting frustration over some task, and then heard the sweet self talk, "don't cry" then footsteps and her sweet voice asked for some help. Victory! Until the next challenge:D Any advice for homeschooling middle school age kids and older? There isn't much advice out there, and I would love to hear more about how you homeschooled (and kept the house bearable and the younger children happy) during those years.T hanks. Love your blog.Dee
The Kampers says
I too am at the beginnings of this…last two days no nap for my Forrest, but we tried, with much wailing and gnashing of teeth, his and mine! But today he slept from 2 to 4:30! Thank you Lord! Thanks for the thoughts!
Melanie B says
Oh my! It feels like we've been in this in-between stage for about a year. My just turned four year old has quiet time on a blanket on the floor in the living room where she won't disturb her napping two year old sister with whom she shares a room. This still turns into a nap a couple of days a week. Other days it only lasts about half an hour and then she goes and plays outside in the yard. By now she knows she must either be quiet in the house while mama baby and toddler are sleeping or she can do what she wills outside. (Though sometimes we do still need reminders of this. Today we had a little tantrum and I had to order her outside for the duration because she couldn't handle being quiet inside.) Sometimes she even combines the two and takes the pile of blankets and stuffed animals and dollies outside and has a camp out or tea party. Once or twice she even fell asleep while playing camp out in the shady part of the yard. I'm dreading the day the two year old gives up her daily nap. Though I suppose I can hope they will learn to play quietly with each other and won't need to have too much mommy refereeing.
messy bessy says
None of my older five have napped past the age of two, and my sixth is rapidly approaching her second birthday. Sigh.When I have been in great need of napping but the child/ren wouldn't do it, I have sometimes resorted to videos. Frankly, a Veggie Tales movie for half an hour is a small price to pay for me to put my feet up and know that they'll stay put.As for transitioning from needing a nap to not needing one, I agree with our esteemed blogger that it happens gradually, and that when the kid doesn't nap, she's a basket case by 5 p.m. right when I'm trying to make dinner. When our oldest was doing this, I would complain to my husband (who grew up an only child but with preternatural wisdom when it comes to parenting) and his reply was, "Pay now or pay later." By this he meant, either endure the whiny clingy tantrum-throwing but awake toddler now and enjoy an early bedtime, or allow the child to fall asleep at 4:45, face down on the carpet, mid-scream, and then deal with her second wind and bedtime at 11:30.I think this little saying, "pay now or pay later," is my dh's way of saying "expect imperfection." There really is no one solution that will work all the time, and our job as parents is simply to roll with it when we can.One final thought on disobedience: I've found it helpful to try always to require obedience only where I think the child actually can achieve it. Making herself hold still and lie down because of a parental command, to me, is to expect the impossible of a 3 yr old. But where you've decided to require obedience from a kid of this age, I would do my best to help her to achieve it.
Megan says
Just wanted to let you know this is my absolutely favorite blog. I love to read about your family, look at your stuff in your pantry, and get advice from someone who knows what they are talking about. That Peace comes from doing the right things not from having things go smoothly is just what I needed to hear right now. Thank you.
Lynn B says
What a great post! I could feel my spirit just begin to relax as I read it – although I am going on my 3rd toddler and I do know some of this wise information already. The reminder is so timely. I am SUCH a tired mama and it's hard to be patient when tired. Thanks for the breath of fresh air, Leila. God bless!
GLENDA CHILDERS says
Who is this genius, Aunt Leila? That was the most well thought out and delighfully expressed parenting advise, that I have ever read.My kids are all grown, and I was still spell bound in reading this post.Thanks
kathleen says
Great post. I always approached it as "it's time for mommy to have quiet time." I just left them (verbally) out of the equation. We never used the nap word. My kids didn't know what it meant. The rule was they had to sit quietly on their bed or on the couch (each child to a separate room). We would gather a pillow and blanket for each person to make a comfy "nest" or "fort" and some quiet toys or books (sometimes I set aside books that were just for quiet time). They didn't have to sleep, just be quiet. Quiet time was for one hour after lunch absolutely. It got to be such a habit that the kids would eat lunch and then pick their favorite spot on their own.One other thing I would explain is "why mommy needs quiet time" by drawing a picture of a battery. I would label the top of the battery "nice mommy" and label the bottom "crabby mommy" and we would talk about how each of us has a little energy battery in us and when it gets low, we need to be quiet and rest so it can recharge. and mommy's battery gets low fast because mommy is a busy mommy and so mommy must have quiet time to recharge it before the afternoon so she will have energy to go outside and play and make dinner and be nice to daddy when he comes home. Then I would ask them "Do you want a nice mommy or a crabby mommy?" of course they said nice."Then we must make sure mommy gets quiet time."
Jamie says
I generally have a reward on the other side of a nap or quiet time. The reward being their favorite video. It works for me!
Sue says
"The sooner you learn that frustration is part of the process, the happier you will be. You'll come to expect that sinking-drowning-choking feeling of not knowing what to do (and needing a nap), rather than falling into the steel-toothed-razor-edged-double-whammy trap of wondering why things can't be perfect."Excellent. I think I want to hang that on my wall!
Anonymous says
In addition to all the good advice already here, can I recommend the book "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.Bella
Anonymous says
Ah this brought back memories of my own very strong-willed little girl. She's 13 now and just as strong-willed …. we have photos of her conked out fast asleep on the tray of her high chair during dinner time because she would NOT take a nap once she discovered that her older brother no longer napped … determined ain't in it.I know TV is politically incorrect, but I used it with great success for this very issue.I, too, needed more naps than the preschoolers during this stage and got most of them by letting the children watch videos or Jay Jay the Jet Plane while I dozed in the recliner. Also, I referred to it as "Mommy's Nap" not just generic naptime — that tickled them.Alternatively, during the witching hour around 4 p.m., I let the kids watch TV while I prepped dinner. It really removed that whole whiny, hitting, eye-rubbing, screeching thing they wanted to do at that time of day. Then I could serve them some dinner, which helped, and move into the evening routine of bath/bedtime.
Anonymous says
Thank you for this post! I think I needed to hear "Expect imperfection". I'll keep that in mind when things get crazy in my house!
Margo says
well, this post is an answer tto prayer!Having a hard time with my 4.5 year old who still loves her "quiet time/Mommy's quiet time" in the afternoon, but naps about once a week. But she's been throwing hideous tantrums recently. We generally put her in a room by herself to cry/scream it out and then when she's quiet, we carry on. But I get furious at her. I needed to be reminded to expect imperfection, that I'm still learning as a parent. . .Dr. Spock says kids go through phases – sometimes 6 months of love and care followed by a few months of clash clash clash.I know I'm rambling, but thank you for sharing your wisdom with so much love. It gives me strength to forgive myself and go on.
Tracy @Magnolia Cul- says
God bless you. I agree-I just absolutely love this blog! (and I loved the garden pictures-esp. the one with the picnic blanket under the big tree)
Anonymous says
Oh yes, this is definitely my favorite blog. What a beautifully thoughtful and wise post! My sons are 17 and 14 and I still found much to relate to here. I love the advise to expect imperfection and I want to stitch the phrase about peace on a pillow! Auntie Leila, thank you. God bless you! (He already has!)Becky J
Mominapocket says
You make a valid point Leila, experiences by moms & grandmothers are not being passed down, as in a few decades ago. We need to reverse it.It is our mothers, grandmothers, aunts, etc that gives us the best advice-forget the books written by what the world deems "experts".Nancy(Mother of Adults)
Anonymous says
A very good post I thought – up to the point where spanking is suggested. Please don't and find other ways to calm her. And don't tell me, it's not possible without spanking. I know it is.Hope you find a smooth rhythm again soon!Kate
Leila says
Dear Kate,But I didn't tell you "it's not possible without spanking" and it's somewhat unfair to say I did, because I actually took some care to explain all the approaches that I would take in this situation.I am tryin here, primarily, to do my little part in maintaining the collective memory — the precept and experience of those who went before us — against the upstart lines of thought that rely on a dubious foundation, putting today's generation at serious risk.Part of the problem in today's debate — as so often — lies in failing to define terms. That is why I linked to my little essay on spanking.I would ask anyone wishing to engage me to read it first before taking me to task.http://docs.google.com/View?id=dd332vks_57dtvkc7m4I notice in the spanking wars that on one side we have hopelessly optimistic and unrealistic people who seem never to have met a three-year old, yet are surrounded by brats.On the other side we have scarily controlling people who are engaging in child abuse.I raise my voice in common sense, wishing only to do what our great- grandmas and -grandpas did, to fine effect. And I have seven well behaved happy grown children to back me up.
Breanna says
Your spanking essay was actually the reason I began following your blog, Auntie Leila. 😉 I was spanked–in a restrained, non-abusive way–and am still on happy terms with my parents and am, I think, a balanced adult. And I rarely spank my kids.Can I just say–this post helped me a lot. My oldest is 2 1/2, and now that you say it it's perfectly obvious–of course she won't just go to not needing a nap like flicking a switch. And of course an early dinner is the solution to the falling-asleep-in-her-pasta scenario that plays out on no-nap days.You've encouraged me so much! :)Breanna
Philip Turner says
Your garden looks terrific. It makes me want to live in a place and have the time to grow one of our own.
Anonymous says
Are you, or were you, ever a perfectionist? This is a fabulous post and I might be able to apply it (along with every other common sense bit of advice you've posted here) if I can get "expect imperfection" into my head. I've got the 3yo who needs naps (and mommy needs them, too) I'll have to read back through this with Emily's eye towards applying it to my 5yo screamer, but, really, it's the expectation of perfection that's got me in its jaws.stephanie
Leila says
Breanna — Thanks :)Philip — You will, and it will be terrific too! You will also have a 3-year-old who will drive your wife crazy :)Stephanie — Yes, I am a perfectionist. And when someone in my household misbehaves, all I can think of is how no one else has to put up with this, because their lives are perfect. Only mine is terribly flawed…Also, in addition to being a perfectionist, I'm always tired.So having my nap interrupted was so very very unfair.It's all so unfair and we're the only ones who suffer this way. And other people are so at fault. What's wrong with them, anyway??Right? 😉
Mom, again says
I'm at that phase, or rather my just turned 3 year old son is. We'd actually been going months already with no need for a nap, but an early bedtime. I'd fallen into this without thinking, being closer to your age, Leila, than many mothers of 3 year olds. My oldest two children were over 21 when he was born. So, collective memory still operational here.Anyway, suddenly, he became very nappish a few weeks ago. I always blame growth spurts for this sort of thing. It was very annoying as I'd become used to not having to arrange my day around naptime! I was having a time reteaching myself to do errands early in the day, and kept getting caught still out and him falling asleep in the last two blocks before home. I got better. But there are sometimes days when only rather late do I realize I need/want something from the shop or library. (Yes, I live in an Urban area, there are 6 craft stores within a 15 minute drive radius so going out for one little thing is not so unreasonable.) His need of nap indicators might seem to say no, but then, he falls asleep before we get to the first stop light! I've learned to take the book I don't have time to read, and make sure I have a drink for me. Park in a shady spot and enjoy 45 minutes of reading. (of course, I have only the one little guy, so I realize my habit is of no use to Lauren. But, there it is.)
Carrien says
This part right here "give her the spanking and then either let her alone or give her the hug, whichever calms her down.Certain children of my acquaintance had to be left alone for about 5 or 10 minutes before emerging from the emotional bind to accept the hug and snuggle. It didn't work to try it before the spanking worked itself out.It seems like if you talk to the child that will help, but it doesn't. Have the insight to understand that she is indeed a person, not a machine with a reset button that's talk-activated."THANK_YOU! My 3 yo is the first child I have encountered who is not comforted by a hug after a spanking. It's caused me some concern, and a few power struggles because I'm not sure what it comes from and I wan that reconciliation to happen.And thanks for the reminder about talking, not necessary, I needed that.
mama2a&b says
New reader, came over from Like Merchant Ships, and was really drawn to this post. I have 2 strong willed nearly 5yo twin boys and we continue to struggle with willfulness and disobedience and disturbing brother as he's falling asleep. My own mother offers advice similar to yours, and constantly reminds me to remain calm with them, but she too remarks on how disobedient (and destructive) they are. Any particular suggestions on twins? Most twin advice I have encountered seems geared to infants or older girls and doesn't seem to apply to our situation – though some of your thoughts are already helpful to me – thanks!
Leila says
Dear mama2–I have no twin advice to give you, but I will say this (never at a loss for advice 😉 –I'm guessing that you might be seriously underestimating the amount of physical activity boys need. I'm not clear on if you have the 2 boys and they are disturbing each other, or you have a younger child as well who is getting disrupted by the two older ones.Either way, you need to get those boys moving woodpiles, falling into streams, and breaking horses. Swimming lessons are a must. If they are not seriously dirty and ravenously hungry every day you are not quite on the right track yet.Go read Little Britches by Ralph Moody to re-adjust your view of what a little boy can do.When quiet time comes around (and it won't be a long quiet time), you need to separate them, that's my opinion. Remember that a new routine takes about a week. Don't expect much at first — keep your expectations low. If you get 20 minutes of peace you will have had a success!You can email me if you like with more details if you think that would help. Don't worry — it wasn't meant to be easy! If you care you are doing a great job!
Anonymous says
Auntie Leila,I know that you oftentimes give advice about parenting or housekeeping, and although I'm not yet at a stage where I need that particular advice, I enjoy reading your words of wisdom and cataloguing in away for future reference.I was wondering if you might be able to give me a little bit of counsel.You see, I'm twenty-years-old. I live in a small, isolated town, and I'm very happy here. However, it is my greatest desire to be married and start a family. I'm praying for my future husband and trying my best to be patient. What are some of the best things that you think I might be able to do to prepare myself to be married and raise a family? What advice would you give me if I told you that sometimes I feel hopeless, like maybe there's nobody out there for me?Thank you for reading this and for all that you write on your blog. You have a truly beautiful family!Regards,Hannah F.
Leila says
Dear Hannah,We would love to give you a little bit of counsel (Suzanne says that having had experience as an unmarried 20-year old she thinks she'd have more to say than me! Hmph!! Just because I got married at 19, she thinks SHE's the expert around here ;)…Mainly I would say what I say to all my children — that God has an amazing plan for you that you simply can NOT imagine at this point. That I can say from direct experience. So no losing hope!And you are right — you have to pray and prepare yourself. Learning to keep a home is only part of the process. Not only do I wish I had known how to sweep a floor, I wish I had known how to think of others and be kind to them — I wish I had prepared myself by working on that! Why don't you email me at leilamarielawler at gmail dot com?
katw says
Dear Hannah,I've never commented on this (or any, for that matter) blog before, and I've got to admit, I was a little hesitant to do so! But I really wanted to respond to your comment, because I am a nineteen-year-old who also feels called to marriage, and I think I'm in a very similar situation to you. I also live in a small, very isolated town (in Alaska, and you can only get in and out by boat or plane!) with my family, and while I adore living here, you can imagine that it can be a bit stifling. It's been very hard for me lately, because so many of my friends are in good, steady relationships, and it certainly feels like there's nobody left for me. I'm sure I couldn't give any advice as good as Auntie Leila's or Suzanne's would be, but I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone, even though (if you're like me, anyway) it can be so easy to feel that you are alone and as though nobody else in the world is as alone as you are! I'll certainly keep you in my prayers.Dear Auntie Leila,I've been lurking around on this blog since my dear friend told me about it, and since I'm plucking up the courage to write a comment, I may as well say thank you for taking the time to write here! I always look forward to reading this blog. You are really an inspiration to me, as are all of your lovely daughters!Whew! It feels kind of liberating to come out of the shadows and comment. :)Kimberly
Suki says
Hannah and Kim,You are not alone! My main advice would be to please not worry about your situation. Like my mom said, God has a plan for you (and me!). Also, I know that nobody likes to hear this, but you are young! I would encourage you to keep yourself in the mode of viewing this period–however long it ends up being–as an opportunity, and a part of God's plan, not as a delay in it.That being said, I have been in your shoes (and am still unmarried at twenty-five, though I now live in the city–and I never lived on an island!), and I know it can be lonely and difficult. I have a lot to say about all this! You are both welcome to email me– suzanneelizabeth at gmail dot com.Finally, I'm so glad you both commented! I have been thinking about posts to do that are not quite so family- or marriage-oriented. I like to know that there are other single girls reading!
Leila says
Well, I would like to see a face-off between Hannah and Kimberly as to who is the most isolated! Because Kimberly sounds pretty darned isolated to me! But God is amazing. I think sometimes He likes to give us a good story to tell, because after all, He's a good storyteller Himself ;)I look forward to hearing all about how He makes this happen…and meanwhile, after I finish up some stuff I've promised (at least I've promised myself), we'll get going on some posts about these topics. Getting off the island and meeting someone.Courting.Marriage.Pregnancy.Birth.Nursing.Toilet training…Teenagers…and getting them off the island.Oof. We have a lot to do!
Rochelle says
As to three year olds and napping/not-napping…that's us over here! Thanks so much for the encouraging and kind words. My nearly 3 year old is 50/50 on naps right now…some days it's a 3 hour nap and then the next it's an hour of rolling about and whispering/singing. 🙂 Thankfully all this time is in her bed and I try to spend at least part of it in a horizontal position (while the baby is also sleeping) or at least reading and praying. Just a great reminded that they do grow up 🙁 and that they need lots of exercise!! As to boys and exercise?!? oh dear. I think I'll need more words on that in a year or two when my busy boy is actually walking. Perhaps we should move to the country!
katw says
I suppose this is a little belated (maybe around four months or so… time certainly flies!) but I wanted to thank both Suzanne and Auntie Leila for responding to my post. You had such lovely, encouraging things to say! I really did read and appreciate them when you posted them.I'm still around! I'm just not all that prompt with the responses!God bless you, and merry Christmas. 🙂
Ashley says
I love your blog and have been using your advice with my almost 3 year old with great success — he falls asleep during his "quiet time" on days when he needs a nap, and plays for a good bit "quietly" on days when he doesn't. Thank you! So helpful to see that this is a chance to give him a bit more independence and not end up with a battle of wills! I would love to hear your thoughts on another 3 year old issue I have been trying to figure out — Prompt obedience. My 3YO is now potty trained and has a good sense of humor. Sometimes, his humor is not so humorous to me, such as when he decides to take a nude dash around our apartment after using the potty rather than putting his underwear back on. I have tried using a "Prompt Obedience Chart" to encourage good behavior, but feel like this is encouraging him only to behave when he'll get something like a treat in return. Time outs and other things are options as well. What did you do in these types of situations? Am I expecting too much of a 3YO by requesting that he promptly let me put his coat on when asked? Thanks for your insight!!!Ashley
Leila says
Hi Ashley,Enjoy him running around the house after the potty, because, well, it's awfully fun. It won't last that long. Then when you ask him to get his coat, he'll take you more seriously, because you are not just a party pooper :)And for a while you'll have to help him with that, occasionally, telling him all the while that prompt obedience is what good boys do.
Mary says
Hi Auntie Leila! This post has helped me so much with my 22-month-old. He's suddenly been refusing to sleep at all, but laying down together for stories and snuggle time has helped amazingly! Thank you! I linked back to this post on my blog, too.
Katie says
This is such an old post by now, but I'm just reading it for the first time. I'm about two weeks on the no-nap side of this transition with my precious, storing-willed 3-year-old girl. Your response was reassuring to me as she has been really receptive to a quiet reading time in her bed. We have also moved her bedtime up by half an hour. I will be making a better point of feeding her well at "tea time" and not stressing dinner so much. All your wisdom shared here is so precious to me as I lost my Mama when I was 20. God bless you and your beautiful family 🙂
Victoria says
Thank you so much for validating that I need a nap too! I was just talking to my husband today about this, and I feared that naps for me were simply over. Of course, I probably shouldn’t stay up until midnight cleaning and writing emails and reading blogs I can’t find time for during the day… 😉
Thank you for your thoughts on spanking as well. I grew up in a household that spanked but my husband did not. It’s been something that keeps coming up in discussions about disciplining our two little boys.
Alexis says
I’m only about a decade late to the conversation, but this post has greatly helped my husband and I reevaluate our frustrations with our active and curious little 9 month old boy, and his lack of desire to nap. We are interested in reading your essay on spanking, too, however the link takes us to a Google Docs “Page not found” type of error. Is there anywhere else we can read this essay? Thank you!
Leila says
The spanking essay is in my book, Volume 1. I’ve always had trouble with this link, and I don’t know why, because it’s set to public! Try this (and I will go and update the link again!)