You are all so cute and sweet. I mean about the “unprofitable servant” love-bomb thing.
I really don't think it's the end of the world if you ask everyone to give you strokes…we all do it and I guess it's just part of the human condition, or why would Our Lord be addressing it?
I only meant to say… what did I mean to say?
Just that the fact that I talk about cleaning or doing laundry in such a compelling way doesn't mean that those things are the basis of our self-worth.
Even though I think it makes sense from a lot of of points of view to get good at those things, they are not particularly important in the grand scheme of things — except insofar as they make it possible for us to love others better and be more patient with ourselves.
So making a nice dinner or finally getting organized really is worthy of praise, and we can hardly be blamed for seeking praise when we do them.
But I think it is good to try to see ourselves as God sees us: needing to accomplish a lot in the material world, but not doing a particularly good job at it — I mean, in the grand scheme of things. I don't know about you, but pretty much everything I do could certainly be done better. That would depress me if I didn't also see that the point is to get beyond it.
Not in the sense of leaving it all behind — “I just won't do it then!” No. In the sense of doing it, but keeping my eye on why do it.
Anyway, since I really do think it helps to clean, let's talk about another issue: dirt and kids.
For both of these things, here are your watchwords. Confine and corral.
Don't do anything yet. You are not ready, by any means. We are only thinking about cleaning, not actually cleaning!
But just think about this: pretty much all the dirt in your house comes from two sources: the outside, and food. Oh, there are others I could name: wood burning stove or fireplace, dog, miscellaneous hobbies that involve glitter and glue. But these are the biggies. The outside, and food.
And the means of spreading the dirt around your house can be summed up in one word: kids.
I do think that kids can be super helpful in cleaning. But without addressing that issue in this already fractured post, let me say that even if they aren't helpful, you need to focus on keeping them confined when they eat and corralled when they play.
One of the most important objects in your life is the table. A good, sturdy, easily cleaned kitchen (if you have room for it) table.
Children need to be taught that they must eat at the table. If you let them run around the house with food, you get what you deserve: a house that smells like old food and has a greasy film over it.
{Children are entranced by having their own child-sized table and chairs, and if you can fit them in the kitchen, it's a lovely way to help them learn the skill of concentrating on a meal.}
For some reason, a lot of moms seem to think that they have no right to make their children sit still to eat. It seems like it would be really hard — maybe just impossible. They think it's okay for their kids to graze, eating at all and any times, so it never occurs to them to make them be still to do it.
Children will do what you ask of them.
The proof of this is that when I was a child no one ever thought that you could make a child sit still in the car, and now no one thinks twice about buckling even the most active toddler in a car seat, every single time.
Yet, somehow, when I was a child, a single teacher could enforce perfect silence and stillness on a class of twenty children for hours at a time (and the Chief, who is older and went to Catholic school, had one nun for fifty young children!).
Now, twelve children can't be expected to line up without benefit of counsel.
You have to teach them to sit at the table, use a napkin, not get food on the outside of their mouth, keep their hands clean, and get up when they are excused! Just keep at it, keep it short, don't let them eat unless they are doing it, and keep cheerful. Maybe at first you have to read to them, play a story CD, or bribe them with sailboat sandwiches. It doesn't matter. It must be done!
Here is a lovely idea: a Montessori practical life place mat. If you can't sew one, draw it on heavy paper and get it laminated. I think I would do that because otherwise I would feel oppressed about having to wash a cloth one!
If they can't manage it, there is a wonderful invention called a high chair, from which no one should ever be released without a good rubdown with a warm washcloth! A one-year-old with greasy grubby hands can turn your home into a pigsty in about a week flat. Think about it. The grease doesn't magically disappear. If you are lucky, it gets rubbed off on your jeans, which can go in the washer. But a sofa, a rug, a curtain — it's all fair game, and like the proverbial frog in hot water you won't even notice until your house is filthy!
Just wash his hands and mouth before he gets down. Rinse off the washcloth, get it a little soapy, and wash down the chair.
And even a three-year-old can take a plate, scrape off the scraps into the trash, and put the dish in the dishwasher (you do know, do you not, that dishes don't have to be rinsed for the dishwasher. They just have to be free of debris).
Then they can wash their hands, because of course you have a handy stool for just that purpose, right? And a clean towel low down…
This way, the food isn't being spread, inexorably, throughout your home. Indeed, there is simply no way to keep a house clean if its inmates do not follow these simple rules.
Corral: young children will pull out their toys and strew them all around. The question is, are you letting them have the run of the house, so that nothing is beyond their reach, nothing remains in its place if they choose to pull it out?
Are the little barbarians wreaking havoc in one place as you are cleaning up another?
Even older children have the tendency to seek out a quiet, orderly spot and sort of make a nest there. I am not sure why this is, but I have observed it many times. You have to make it clear to your children by whatever means — gates, fences with spikes, massed tanks at the border — that there are boundaries they will respect, whether they like it or not.
If a child can show the maturity to be in a kid-free zone without trashing it, then by all means, let him go. I'm all for it. It's a privilege to be earned, and sweet when it is!
But if you know that a mess will result, your sanity demands that the activity take place within the confines of an easily cleaned room. Where toddlers are concerned, the kitchen and the playroom/den are the only areas you should even think about letting them hang out. They are just like puppies in this respect: completely untrustworthy.
Corral.
And don't hesitate to take it a step further with a nice, spacious playpen into which said child can spend a half an hour in the morning while you do some necessary things, as well as another — yes! a whole other– half an hour in the evening before supper. It's his little den, and by six months or so he can start enjoying it. It won't last too long, but it's worth it for those maximum mobility-to-irrationality months. We're talking about an hour a day! Try it!
It's funny that as you ask the children to respect their environment and your work, and as you take the time and make the effort to teach them with love and equanimity, everyone enjoys being together more, and after a while, the big payoff isn't so much a cleaner house as a more peaceful home. It might take a while, but it will happen.
Tomorrow: outside dirt, confined: Part II — Here.
Anonymous says
Yep that's the way it was for our children. Eating at the table ONLY. Simple. Peaceful. Clean. Highly recommended.Oooh perfectly matching placemats. How did you do it? Beautiful. (Linda)
Woman of the House says
We raised our kids that way too~~food and toys had their proper places. When they got older, I'd tell them that I didn't mind if they made a mess (in an approved area) as long as they were willing to clean it up afterward to *my* standards. We also always made sure they got cleaned up after meals. I'm flabbergasted that not everyone does that! Seems like asking for trouble to me . . .
Mary says
I totally agree with what you have written. The only time we allow a change in eating venue is for picnics outside in the summer or major sporting events. For those, we bring a table into the living room and yell while eating. Not pretty, but lots of fun!
Domestic Accident says
I cannot believe you don't have a book deal.I know this stuff seems so obvious, but really, written down, it just is genius to me.
Leila says
I love eating with the kids in front of a game or movie. It's so much fun! I purposely got my big square den coffee table so we could do it.It's fun and special because it's so rare! And WOE to anyone who forgets his napkin 🙂
Leila says
And, dear Linda, I have matching place mats because Rosie gave them to me and my kids are not 3, know what I mean? That would have been a plain table, back in the day 🙂
Margo says
I agree with you about food. I am very strict about food and my friends think my children have extraordinary manners (my 20 month old uses a napkin, daintily dabbing his lips like he sees his sister and parents doing!).But the toys – well, we clean up very cleanly at the end of each day, but otherwise, I do let them play throughout our public space. They want to be near me and so many of their activities involve things that are not specifically toys (rags, twist-ties, tupperware, tape – you know, adult stuff). I don't mind toys scattered around until bedtime.
Emily (Laundry and L says
We have "on your bed, playing quietly" times twice each day. It is a sanity saver for me, and I think the kids actually enjoy it, too. For one thing, it gives them a break from each other!I was wondering when you would suggest teaching "manners" (such as chewing with mouth closed, not talking with mouth full, not talking until others have finished, etc.) at the table? My kids are (nearly)5, 3, and 16 months. The older children eat at the table, ask to be excused, and clear their places. But so far manners just seem out of their ability. Am I trying too soon, or should I be more firm?
Leila says
Dear Emily,Yes, we will talk about this at some point. It's a work in progress, and you should view it as such — not as "when do I do this" but as little by little, all the time. Even a very small child should learn right away not to stuff his mouth, not to rush, and not to talk with his mouth full. How small? As soon as they can understand! But keep up your standards while being very gentle and kind. Don't expect actual results for a while!I would say that a 5 and 3 eating at the table, asking to be excused, and clearing their places is very nice manners!
Carrien says
Yes! When we last moved we couldn't afford to rent a big truck and so left most of our furniture behind. I built our current table out of pieces of a dismantled play structure, at my in-laws house, three days before we moved into our condo, because I HAD to have a table to seat the kids at for meals. I could not imagine trying to feed everyone while they lounged on the floor in the living room.It took us a year and a half to get a couch or chair to sit on in the living room, but by golly we had a table. (I am actually pretty fond of it, rough as it is. It's the second bit of furniture I ever attempted and I did it all myself.)
Holly M. says
My mom has always had her (nine) children eat at the table only. And, for the most part, toys in specific places.The youngest people in her house are twin 3-year-old boys – if she didn't enforce the corraling rules, the house would be a disaster zone! These are definately things I will be keeping in mind when it is time for me to have children… for now, I'm gently training my husband!
Barb says
We have the food rule – only in the kitchen for breakfast, lunch and snacks, and only in the dining room for dinner. Absolutely no food in the bedrooms, though my 13 year old keeps trying to skirt around that one. :)The toy issue has not been so easily resolved in my home. We don't allow toys in the bedrooms and we generally have the kids clean up before getting new stuff out or starting a new activity. Using trays for the activity has helped. I also have certain toys on shelves in baskets or in boxes in the basement in a cabinet. But the clutter of toys is a constant issue. I'm three years away from the youngest being in kindergarten so I focus on habits like cleaning up.I made the Montessori placemat once. I took a permanent marker and drew on a plain placemat. Only one kid was interested. I'm not sure where it is now. We get lots of practice at dinnertime anyway with six people at the table. 🙂
Polly says
This cracked me up, particularly the "little barbarians" remark. Perhaps it is because my little barbarian and I have been snowbound for something like 8 days, and we're loopy. Such good advice! And all so true! My son is 2.5 and at prime mess-time. But he is, with honest effort on my part, learning the ropes: napkin in lap, put toys back (we're about 50/50 with this), etc. Our blessing-slash-curse is that our house is tiny, so we have a living room/dining room/kitchen that is essentially just one space. (then the bathrooms & bedrooms). toys are allowed in this main area and in my son's room. He keeps his paws out of my precious sewing room/guest room, and only takes one toy at a time or so into our bedroom. It works well.Love the placemat idea! I wipe down a greasy table thrice daily. I have no idea how one person can be so messy; it's phenomenal! The dog graciously takes care of the floor–gross, but true. (I do clean the floor, but I never, ever see food scraps on it.)
Stephanie says
My two girls (3 1/2 and 19 months) eat only at the table and have drinks only at the table. Sometimes they are sneaky, but usually I catch them and get things back to the table. I do wipe down the table and my youngest's hands and my oldest usually clears her plate, etc. So happy I trained them that way.However, I am one of the fortunate ones who has carpet in my WHOLE house! It was that way when we moved in. And guess what, white carpet where the table is. Even carpet in the kitchen! Anyway, any ideas on how to keep the carpet under the table clean? Very frustrating!Also, toys are all over – will have to try to figure out a way to get those corralled….And, with twins coming, I need to figure that one out fast!Love this series and your blog as a whole! Thanks for sharing your wonderful words of wisdom to those like myself, young and in need of guidance!
Peter and Nancy says
Stephanie, I'd take an old blanket and sheet and spread them out (on top of each other) beneath your table. We do that for the children's table at holidays (in our off-white carpeted living room), and it works pretty well. We leave it there for a week or so, because we have lots of company coming and going, and you can just shake off the sheet & wash it if necessary. The blanket beneath the sheet stops spills from soaking through quickly onto your carpet. In your case, if you have company coming, you can just fold up your sheet/blanket to make your house look nice again. :o)Nancy
Tamara says
Yesterday was a "case in point" kind of day with my almost 11-month-old. It was her first time with hummus. Can you just see it? Once it got on her hands-because she was trying to feed herself- it was also in her hair, in her ears, on her eyelids, all over her clothes, all over MY clothes… All I could think was "we're going straight to the bathtub!" 🙂
Shannon and Carey says
This post really hit home. You said:Where toddlers are concerned, the kitchen and the playroom/den are the only areas you should even think about letting them hang out. They are just like puppies in this respect: completely untrustworthy. Corral. LOL SO TRUE!We have 3.75 year old b/g twins. We have pretty nice furniture that we'd like to have for a long time. And it still looks brand new bc we took these exact measures. They were always made to eat in the high chairs. We wiped them down after every meal as well as the chair. I went so far as to give those seats a bath in the driveway every Saturday morning. (especially the all plastic ones that snap right onto your existing chairs…easy!)My children also have their own table/chairs. We got them off Craigslist and it works beautifully. Granted, there are times they want to get up a roam….but nope…."at the table please"…..I have friends who let their children eat while sitting on the floor or running around the house. They can't keep their kids in chairs bc they're out of control. ugh. We also have kept our bedroom off limits. Do you know what my room would look like by the end of the day? It's already a chore trying to keep the rest of the house clean. They know that this is mom and dad's room and I think they are starting to get the hint that we need our space too. lolWhat a great post. Thank you. PS: I decluttered last year and what a breath of fresh air. Shannon in Austin
Shannon and Carey says
Stephanie. hi…..I have twins. Can I suggest…if you have the funds…..There is a laminate flooring made by Shaw…..It's in our whole kitchen/dining area and hallway. It.has.saved.my.life. It's not expensive at all and will really make your life easier. You only damp mop it. Stays beautiful. Shannon in Austin
Leila says
Ha ha, Sharon…you are on top of those twins!I would like to make sure that you all understand what I'm saying here. I love remembering those precious moments and even hours cuddling in my bed with my toddlers…I'm all for exploration and sharing your world with your babies.All I'm saying is that for those long days alone with the little munchkins, don't think you can't keep them from running amok. You can.You are in control! It's your call.
Jessica says
Stephanie, we had carpet in our dining room too – with (at one point), four kids four and under. Go to an office store and get those heavy-duty, clear plastic mats they sell for under office desks. They are smooth on top and grippy on the bottom. They're for making it easy to roll your office chair around, but they're great for under a dining room table on carpet. You can still see the color of the carpet, but you can just wipe up the mess.And this is my first comment here, I think, so I must add: Auntie Leila, I love your blog. There are corners of my house that now make me smile because you encouraged me that I could clean them. What a blessing you are!
Z Mom says
THis is my house and it's the only way to preserve the sanity of mommy, and daddy and visitors.
Anonymous says
I've experienced YEARS of frustration in this regard: kids getting up from the table, making a beeline for the sofa and plopping their greasy hands down, or smearing yogurt on the sofa cover, which is a beast to wash. The grandparents have an ironclad rule that hands are washed immediately after rising from the table. Anyway, in our house, my complaint is that my kids are the world's messiest eaters. After each meal I have to about bulldoze, then powerwash the floor and table. Do you have any suggestions to address this/ train them to eat more neatly, in a more civilized way?! Also, it bugs me to no end to see them peel an orange at the table, and walk away, leaving the table covered with peels. One of my big pet peeves!Colby
Nil Zed says
For those with carpets in the dining area, or kitchen (for the love of Pete, WHY???) one solution is: more carpet. Go to wherever sells inexpensive acrylic area rugs and get enough to cover as much area as you think will save your carpet. We only had the one son at the time so one 6×9 covered from well under the table back to the wall behind him and a good margin either side. If you have more than one child, go to the big hardware store and buy enough indoor/outdoor carpet off the big roll to cover the whole area! Or, be like my brother and obsess about vacuuming and spot cleaning a whole house of cream carpet every day. EVERY day. You would never guess that 3 middle school kids and 1 large dog had all been infants on that carpet.
Michelle says
I’ve been following you here, Auntie Leila, for about a year now, but am only just now finding some time to sit down and sift through all of this awesome wisdom in your archives! I smiled while reading this because honestly, play pens and gates are the only things keeping my sanity in check with a 3 year old and one year old twins!! I hope more people rediscover them and their usefulness… it’s such a help, like you said!
Laura S. says
I see the sense in this — but my husband and I are terrible about eating in other rooms besides the kitchen or dining room, and therefore set no example whatsoever in this area. Should we enforce this rule for ourselves, too? Or do you exempt the adults?
Leila says
Dear Laura,
Yes, you must all learn to eat at the table! If you read the post and the comments, you will see that I’m all for breaking the rules when you want to — movie night in the den, whatever. But to do that and have it be fun and enjoyable, there need to be rules! And the rules need to be observed!
Life is made liveable by rituals. Rituals start in the home. Eating together, courteously, mindfully, gratefully (i. e. saying grace and being grateful), convivially — this is the delight of life.
Best start now…
Here’s why: http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org/2012/02/destruction-proofing-your-family/
(there are other links imbedded in the post that you might find helpful)
Eat together, make the effort, light a candle, sit and enjoy — you will reap the benefits later and they will far, far outweigh any pleasure you find now in wandering around with a pizza slice in hand.
Moriah says
This has been one of my favorite posts. I do many of these things and had to by necessity since my eldest is highly spirited 😉. She is a little tornado that climbs like a monkey if left to her own devises.
I think the most refreshing thing about your views on children is that you present it as a given that they will be naughty. It isn’t a failure of their moms(or dads); it is their sin nature that has yet to be conformed into righteousness. We are responsible to instruct them in that righteousness, but we aren’t failures just because they act up. But you present this with a love for children that is sorely lacking from most articles about raising children. Not merely a love for your own children, but a love for children in general. I am honestly not someone who enjoys interacting with children by and large. Yet I do have a great love and protectiveness for all children in general. I believe that as the end times draws ever nearer and people’s love grows cold it is evidenced most clearly in the attitudes towards children and the family.