When I got married, I had never heard of saving money, being frugal (although I did know about finding old furniture and fixing it up), or in any way living within one's means.
Or if I had, I certainly wasn't paying attention. And I married someone who basically couldn't say no to his little spoiled brat of a wife, and anyway, I'm not all that sure he knew anything either.
So it's not surprising that we got into debt.
For many years we struggled. I won't say it's over. Along the way I learned some lessons the tough way — like, you are in so deep it's no longer about a budget, it's about not having any money at all to buy anything. Sometimes it wasn't too bad, but sometimes it was bad, like eighteen months of no steady job starting the day after baby #6 was born…
So yes, I've regretted every dumb meal out (not the fun ones though), every shopping spree, every stupid purchase we've ever made. I've wept over some big choices too, even though at the time they might have seemed like good ideas.
I've read a lot of books, articles, and blog posts about getting out of debt, and they have been very helpful. Sometimes, though, they veer into a strange land, theologically.
They start to make it sound something like this: You'll never be happy if you are in debt; you aren't doing God's will if you are in debt; even, and not in so many words, mind you — your salvation can be gauged by whether you are solvent.
But I have to say there are worse things than being in debt. Here are a few (addressed to you, wife and mother):
1. Worse than being in debt is losing your peace.
Now, some might say that you lose your peace because you are in debt, and the good Lord knows I have been there. But today, this very moment, the situation I'm in is God's will for me when I'm doing my best and sorry for my bad choices, as the mommies at the park say.
Everyone experiences adversity. It's called being human. For some people that adversity takes the form of being in debt. The main thing is to keep your peace, to know that God is taking care of each of us, and to remember to trust Him to provide.
Do you use being in debt as an excuse not to trust God? That would be worse even than being in debt!
2. Worse than being in debt is not realizing how much good comes out of a real struggle.
We all know that St. Paul said, “My strength is made perfect in weakness” — but we don't like to think that it will work if the weakness is of our own making, or, for that matter, whatever the present challenge is.
If God sees fit to try us by the adversity of being in debt, we can't wriggle out of meeting the test by thinking that it's our own fault we're in the fight at all. Whatever. Whatever the fight is, external, internal, our own making, a bolt from heaven, we should see all the good things that come from it.
What real benefits do you have from not having enough money? I bet if you really thought about it you would see many, including, possibly, learning patience with ourselves for being idiots.
3. Worse than being in debt is not having a baby because you think you don't have enough money.
See #1, and trust in God.
There might be reasons for not getting pregnant — I think I used to think there are more than I now do.
But not having money is not one of them. If you are reading this, you have enough money.
There is only a limited amount of time in which you can have a child, no matter what you might think now that you are in the midst of it. Thirty years from now you won't be thinking about the bills you had to pay.
Do you know what the Bible calls riches?
Children.
In thirty years you will be telling yourself that you should have been willing to live in a tent and eat roots and berries to have had more children.
Using debt as an excuse to postpone a baby would be what the world calls prudent and what I would say is a lack of confidence.
I know, this makes me very bossy. But really, you can get money later, but maybe not kids.
4. Worse than being in debt is getting a job to make ends meet.
Let's be real. Let's take all the quid pro quos as read, okay?
If you can do a few heart surgeries and rescue your family from bankruptcy, do it.
If your husband is bedridden or one semester away from a doctorate in money-making, I get it.
If you are so used to working and keeping house (and your mother and maiden aunt live with you, contributing their own retirement funds to your show) that no one really notices when you are not there, go for it.
But the rest of us are needed at home with our heads in our game.
Don't fool yourself into thinking that you can contribute more by leaving for work — or, if you have more than one napping baby, even working at home. The chaos, confusion, stress, childcare, carpools, and taxes are not worth it.
All that happens is that you are so frustrated with home that the center is lost — sometimes forever. In other words, you start frustrated about money and end up feeling like no one values family life as you once envisioned it because you can't find your way to pulling it together.
It can seem like medium-aged children can be fine with this state of chaos, and for a while they will be.
But older children need very much to have order at home. By the time the need is felt, it can be too late. The habit of home making is gone, and it's often too hard to recover while coping with the demands of older children. Their locus then becomes their peer group, with all that entails.
Don't make the mistake of putting getting out of debt in a higher category than keeping home.
Don't make the mistake of having a vague idea that things will run themselves without you — that's rating yourself too low, my friend.
5. Worse than being in debt is having your husband think he's not a good provider.
Sometimes he's the one saying you should get a job. I'm telling you that in the end, he will feel like he's not doing a good job protecting his family, which is the very worst thing a man can feel — much worse than being in debt — and leading to worse problems than money.
Tell him that you will do your part to be frugal and save money (and there is so much you can do!), and that you know he will figure out a way. Tell him you know he is working as hard as he can, that you admire him for it, and that you will back him up no matter what.
Tell him you don't mind being in debt for longer if it seems there is no alternative.
It's not the worst thing in the world to be in debt. Now go wash some plastic bags.
Anonymous says
Woman, you are reading my mind! I absoulutely agree with you. It's sooooo good to read what you write because you write from the heart and you've BTDT. A big thank you for sharing, and for encouraging me.Mom in MO
Crissie says
WOW! I am right along with you on all of these points… At the beginning of 2009, we had an almost 6 figure income, 5 beautiful children and twin daughters on the way. Now, all that remains is our 5 beautiful children…We had to say goodbye to our daughters in February and then goodbye to the really good income in March. Life was suddenly thrust into abject poverty. While I still can't profess to understand about our beloved girls, much has been learned from our job loss.Our children are healthy and fed and thank the Lord, we were able to modify our mortgage and keep our house. You can't fully appreciate the power of debt until you are sure that your home is going back to the bank. Buy a home – buy a modest home so that you can pay off that mortgage as soon as possible and know that whatever storm may come, your family will have a roof over their heads. Before my husband was laid off, our goal was to move up to a larger home in 5 years. Now, our goal is to outright own our home in 10 years.I am right there with you with regretting all of the money that I have wasted over the years. Just outright wasted! I'm not talking about going to Disneyland with the kids or other treasured experiences, I'm talking about money that was just SPENT and spent for nothing tangible. I can't even tell you where it went! I can't tell you the shame that I felt about that when I had to worry about keeping our home.Your thoughts about being away from home really touched my heart as well. One benefit of poverty is that education is FREE! I really struggled with what the Lord would have me do, but I decided to go back to school. It has been SO hard. I honestly had a melt down last week and had to take the entire week off because I really felt like my family was struggling. I'd still like to finish my education, but next semester I am committed to taking online classes that can be done after my kids are in bed for the night. I think it's important to continue to learn, but not at the expense of my family. Also, we made the decision to homeschool the children this year in order to find more time to spend together. I realized that their traditional school schedule wasn't going to allow for any family time at all, when coupled with mine and my husband's full time college schedule. It was the best decision I've ever made. The only thing I'm regretting right now is that I went with a virtual charter school program and I'm disappointed with the rigidity of it, but I don't regret a moment that I spend learning with my children.WOW. My comment got very long, very fast! I just wanted to say that I've appreciated your blog since I became a follower and these thoughts especially touched me today.Keep up the good work!xoxoxox
Anonymous says
Leila, you're amazing! How'd you become so wise?! You're very brave to say these things 'publicly' and I'm so grateful. I won't comment specifically on your marvellous points but I agree. And even if you think you sound 'bossy',(I don't and I can feel the earnestness, kindness and love in your words) we ache for more of this affirmation and wise advice. Thank you. Linda
Beth says
I found your blog a few weekds ago and I'm SO glad I returned! What an awesome post. I have been struggling w/debt and having too much month left at the end of the my money for a few years now. I chose to stay at home to be the parent (I'm single) to raise her instead of paying strangers to take care of her while I worked some crappy job just to make ends meet. I don't regret it for one minute! I always say I have the rest of my life to get a job, but I will only get one chance to raise my daughter. I'm still struggling now that she is in PreK b/c it's difficult to find a job to work around the hours that will allow me to take her to school and pick her up. I trust God. He has been so faithful through all the years and I have learned so many lessons during this time. God bless you! I left a link back to this post on my blog. Check it out if you'd like: http://meganmacymadisonsmom.blogspot.com/2009/10/im-rich.html
Tracy says
This really spoke to my heart!v We have a lot of debt and I feel like a failure – but your post made me realize there are much worse things. Thank you for your encouraging words!
window into our life says
Thank you for your words of inspiration and hope! I think a lot of people look at the circumstances around them and say woo is me and fail to see the blessings that are there too. Like you mentioned….it all leads to trust, to really trust God in helping you and knowing that He will provide a way thru.
Jan says
This is an excellent post!Thank you.
Camille says
There are so many blogs out there where the gist is that being in debt IS the worst thing in life. This post is such a breath of fresh air! We are making the choice for me to stay at home, which means our debt will being get paid down very slowly, but we believe investing in our children is so much more important! We've learned to do with one (old) vehicle; limited cable TV; without cell phones; without vacations; with hand me down and used everything… and we are so much richer for it!Right on, Leila!
Anonymous says
Thank you so much. So much. So, so, so much.
Shawna says
Thank you. It can be so hard to trust God, but when we do He does amazing things. It is good to be reminded. God bless you for sharing your hard won wisdom.
Kris says
Wow- CHOCK full of wisdom!Do you think you could write an equally inspiring post called "Five Things That are Worse Than Having A Messy House?" 🙂
Small Means says
Brilliant, wonderful, spot-on post, Leila! I'm linking to it AND I think I'll post it on my facebook page. So many people need to hear/ read every one of these things. Money is just money and debt is just debt. Letting either master us is a poor way to live life.Thank you for your wisdom! (And I agree with Kris' suggestion!) 🙂
Nicole says
Amen, sister. So true!
Elizabeth says
Dear Miss Leila,Thank you for putting your wisdom into words… I'm glad we live in the blogging era so that we can all learn from you.
Anonymous says
Oh how I needed to read this. My children are 20 and 17 but next year I plan to "come home" again. I want my home to be my "center" again. I ache for that day! God Bless you for the wonderful, inspiring post!Sherry
April says
Very wise words, Leila. I read all your posts eagerly because you have such practical wisdom. Thank you!
Bethany says
This post made me cry. Huge medical bills combined with student debt our first year out of graduate school. Needless to say, my husband and I have felt such guilt over our debt–and over my choice to continue to stay at home. Honestly, your post is the first thing I've read about debt that admits that it's not the worst thing in the world and it's not a sign of one's total moral failure. Thank you for writing this. Thank you especially for saying that debt is NOT a good reason not to have another child. Bless you!
Polly says
This is a great post. I especially appreciated #4. When my son was a year old (he's 2 now) I had been working from home practicing law for several years. He was suddenly more active, more needy, and I needed to be able to run our household more effectively. So I let go of the at-home practice. A home needs someone there to manage it, to run it, to make sure things are working. So many of my peers do not see this and it felt really counter-cultural to give up a law career in order to *just* raise a child. But there's so much more involved.
Lawler Family Stalke says
Yay Mrs. L!Thankfully, I'm not dealing with the debt-ridden stages of life yet, but point 4 is a wonderful reminder of why I want to be a stay-at-home mom, and how this is NOT a waste of my life and education and a betrayal of all that "society" has "invested" in me. And point 5 is SOOOOOO incredibly important, but I guarantee you only 2 out of 100 my peers could even begin to think of enunciating it that way…:) xoxo
Margaret says
Leila,You don't know how much I needed this post!! Everything you said, hit home! We are still struggling to recoup from my husband's unemployment a few years ago (actually, he was unemployed twice w/i 2 years). We had 4 little girls at that time and in the midst of all of that we had a miscarriage and a still born little girl. It has been especially hard for me, because we are both highly educated and were both CPA's! So I have been feeling like a failure! I chose to stay at home with our now 5 children. God Blessed us with a little boy after all those girls! I have been feeling extremely stressed lately and feel that God guided me to your post to read yesterday! What a difference it has made! Thank you, thank you, thank you! You will probably never know how many people you have touched thru your post, but please know that your words are truly a comfort to many! God Bless!!!! I am printing this post and keeping it for future reference! Thank you for taking the time to write about these things!
Alice says
Hrrrrrrrrrm. Very wise, of course!I still think I'm where God wants me at the moment on this path to the PhD, but I'm always keeping myself ready to reevaluate (and reminding myself that I'm not doing it for my own glory, which, let me tell you, even in a program full of Catholics is NEVER, EVER discussed). It does remind me of one moment, in High School, when I announced that I didn't think there was anything wrong with wanting to stay home. You should have seen the looks I got from everyone else in the room, although I'm sure you can imagine.
Craig says
I must strongly disagree. This is a perfect example of American justification at its worst. Debt, more specifically the kind of debt most Americans have, is terrible, and has created a terrible situation for our country and our world. The kind of unsecured debt out there now (such as credit cards, and high overhead mortgages), coupled with an overall lack of savings, has caused our country's current economic crisis; this has, in turn, plunged the world into an even more severe economic tailspin. While for Americans the economic crunch means we have to "tighten our belts" and not eat out as much, or buy frivolous treats for ourselves less often, for much of the world it has decimated the lives they lead. Starvation is on the rise in developing countries, homelessness has taken a huge jump in such nations, and spending parity- the ability for people to pay for food, clothing, and medical care- has drastically dropped in 2/3 of the world's poorest countries. A few nations have seen their economies collapse outright. In addition, charitable giving has dropped to a small margin of what it was in wealthier countries (like the US) before the crisis, so there is less aid internationally.Christianity has always been about denying oneself in order to reduce the burden on others. You seem to be saying, "thirty years from now, I won't regret taking more of the world's resources for my family, or so I can have a larger family" while thousands children and families are suffering and dying elsewhere. It's a terrible rationalization.Sorry, our debt is terrible, and has hurt the world immeasurably. You may not be able to turn back the clock and erase the selfish choices that you have made, but you don't have to feel good about what you've done.
scmom (Barbara) says
Wonderful post, Leila. "All that happens is that you are so frustrated with home that the center is lost — sometimes forever."I so very badly wish that more women understood this. And Craig is wrong — any one can see you are not suggesting debt as a solution. But, we can not resolve the rest of the world's problems by not having children and by working 40 hours a week while our children are in day care. The majority of society's problems can be narrowed down to "family life fell apart because the family became focused on stuff that mom could buy by working a job while the kids were cared for by someone who did not have their best interest at heart."Charity is learned at home by parents who are focused on making their family better, even if it means scraping to get by, or maybe especially by scraping to get by.
entropy says
For Craig,First of all, I don't think this is true: Christianity has always been about denying oneself in order to reduce the burden on othersThe first part is true but not so the second, "denying oneself" is in order to learn to depend on God and not ourselves.Secondly, thirty years from now, I won't regret taking more of the world's resources for my family, or so I can have a larger familyI don't believe that's what Leila is saying at all. If you've read her blog for very long at all you know she's not about to give a free ride to anybody that's not willing to work. She's not saying "Go, spend to your heart's content and don't worry about it!" She's saying, "It's worthwhile to get out of debt but KEEP YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT in the meantime."And btw, having a large family doesn't mean that you're sucking up the world's resources (maybe living in America does but not just by having a large family) in fact, you will find that large families usually re-use more and spend less. Compare a family with 7 kids to a family with 2 and see how much money they spend on "activities" and clothing and vacations. You may be surprised at just how little large families can get by on–and happily!
Leila says
Craig, thanks for chiming in!A couple of points.The debt of the nation is a political issue; the debt a family is in is a personal issue. I'm not saying the personal and the political don't intersect, I'm just trying to focus the conversation.I am not okay with a family being in debt. If you read my blog, you will see that I'm all about frugality, making ends meet, and living within our means. But stuff happens and we can't lose our trust that God will provide for us, even if not necessarily in the way we envisioned. You say "Christianity has always been about denying oneself in order to reduce the burden on others."Mmmm….Not really.Following the Lord Jesus is about denying oneself (taking up your cross) and following Him. Where did he go? To the death for others — not to "reduce their burden" but to bring them into eternal life, a proposition on a different scale from the one you suggest.Children are never a burden on others. No where in the Bible will you find one word to support the idea that children are anything but a treasure, a gift, a blessing, and the patrimony of the world.I won't go into how my children will be the ones to make life bearable for crabby old men who don't like children (and please don't take that personally, I have no idea how old you are), because I believe that every child, no matter how useful to society or seemingly a burden, is a gift from God.The sooner we realize this the better off we will all be.
Anonymous says
Thank you Leila for doing this post. We are very agressively trying to get out of debt and it has been so hard. There is a lot of guilt doing it once you realize how you were ignoring what was happening before. But I have learned so much in the process and learned that I HAVE to trust God to provide because He is the only reason we have made it this far. I am coming to the end of my child bearing years and we have been debating on having one more child. My husband isn't sure if it is smart because of our debt. But I am looking down the road 3 years from now when it will be paid off and then it will be too late for me to get pregnant. I see a little regret in the future. I am not sure what we will do, but every point you made was exactly what I have been thinking. Thank you!
The Nester says
Hands down the best article I've ever read about debt. And I think I've read them all.Bravo honey.
Gina @ The Shabby Ch says
It just doesn't get any smarter than this!
An Adventurer in the says
Hello Leila,I'm here from Meredith's site.In addition to the very important point you make about children, I loved your comment about regretting 'every dumb meal out (not the fun ones, though)'. Though we were in deep debt way back when, I could never wish back the $200 French meal my dear husband bought for my birthday a couple of decades ago. We lingered for hours. Maybe we didn't get out of debt as fast because of things like that, but what a sweet memory.love your wisdom,deb meyers
Anonymous says
First, I love your blong. Second, what a well-timed post! I'm currently working 12 hours per week to pay for my 3 school-age kids to go to Catholic school. My youngest (3) goes to preschool while I work. Anyway, the job is very frustrating and I really want to be at home. I also want another baby (at 40, I feel like my time might be running out). Husband does not want another baby. I've told him if I get pregnant, I will quit my job and kids will go to public school or I'll homeschool them. I still don't know what to do but you post certainly let me know what my priorities should be. I need to trust God with my life!
Anonymous says
I'm going to write my comment now before I go back and read everyone else's, because I will probably be sobbing by then. I'm just teary-eyed now. Thanks for such an eloquent post and the reassurance that raising a family is so very important. And for reminding me to give my husband a smooch and acknowledge how hard he works too. I appreciate this timely post!Cheers,Erika
CanadianMom says
I agree that it is best not to go crazy with money and try to live within your means. I don't believe that everyone has to be at stay at home mom. I do think that both parents working full-time is too much of a strain on the whole family. I think if you can get it solutions like part-time work, family caring for children is a good way to compromise. Here in Canada we get a year of maternity leave which is so wonderful, I am still amazed how backwards and behind the States is on this. Anyway, after my first daughter I went back to work two days a week while my mom took care of my daughter, it was a wonderful mix for me, I did not have that household out of control feeling. Unfortunately once my second mat leave ends I can only get 4 days a week minimum at my job, family will still watch the kids but I can feel the stress all ready of being away from the kids and not being able to manage the household. I hope to work a few months and get my hours reduced, otherwise I do have other options with less hours and less money. It is worth losing all that money to be home most of the time with the kids. I feel lucky to be able to do that if I need too. I agree that if some people sacrificed they could stay home too. It saddens me to think of all those little ones in daycare and not with their parents or family for so many days in the week. I do think though, that some people have no choice and I bet most people feel quite sad to be away from their kids and wish they could be with them more. I also believe that some moms are better when they are working and some just can't get part-time so they make that choice. I suppose you don't want to be judged for you debt so I don't think we should be judging other moms for their choices to work and not stay at home full time. Anyway, just my two cents. Best of luck to all those families trying their best.
Mrs. K says
Oh dear. You are running over my toes! God certainly used you to speak to my heart today. Thank you!
Juanita says
Thank you! I really needed to read this. right. now.Blessings~
Anonymous says
Thank you very much.
Anonymous says
The US is not backwards as far as maternity leave goes. If a company wants to offer it more power to them. It is not the responsiblitly of the government to pay for maternity leave because we decide to have kids. The government didn't tell us to have kids we CHOSE it. Therefore they are our responsibility not the governments. Plus besides you all pay way, way more in taxes then I ever want to pay in order to pay for that maternity leave.
Kristyn says
You wrote,"But really, you can get money later, but maybe not kids."EXACTLY.My mother has said many times, "Money will pass through your fingers all your life. If money can solve your problem, it really isn't a problem."In the book _First We Have Coffee_ by Margaret Jensen she tells of a time when money was very tight and the church trustees accidentally gave her father, the pastor, his pay, instead of giving it directly to her mother to buy food with. The father had many fine qualities but was bad with money. On the way home from the church he spent it all on a pearl necklace for his wife because "you have such a beautiful throat." The mom thanked him and they ate whatever she could scrape together that week. Later the kids asked the mom why she didn't tell him to return it so they could buy food and she said "There is a time for potatoes and there is a time for pearls."My children are my pearls. 🙂
Mrs. Pickles says
Wow, Auntie Leila. Once again I am so grateful I found your blog! Thank you so much for this post. Beautiful and thought-provoking, as always. 🙂
Decadent Housewife says
You are a very wise lady.
Kari says
Auntie Leila,I love you! You wrote this just for me, I know! *wink wink* :DSo in addition to a perfectly timed dose of common sense, will you blog about all the practical little things a mommy at home can do to be frugal? (especially when you feel like you're already doing all you can and going without so much) AND letting Hubby know you're being frugal to help him, not because he can't hack it?Thanks!Kari
Leila says
Dear Kari, That is a big part of what we do here…go to the sidebar and click on "frugal" and "thrifting" and "hack" and you will get the idea ;)Also, many of the blogs we link to have great ideas for frugal living…Look through Meredith's archives at Like Merchant Ships, check out Decadent Housewife, Homespun Living, and more!XOXO
Theresa says
WOW, you are reading my mind!!! I do not think that debt is EVIL. I think it would be great to be able to avoid it, but I will not demonize anyone with debt. I am truly, inexpressibly thankful to God that I have a home we can afford, food that I can afford and every other need met. We have debt. We are consistent in paying it down….but if tomorrow the transmission goes, I will not feel I am a complete and total failure if I have to pull out the Visa. I think that we must always be aware that no matter how mcuh money you have and no matter how fast you have your mortgage paid off, things can change tomorrow. Our only hope is God, he is our provider. Corrie ten Boom once said that we should hold our possesions with an open hand. She would know, having survived the horrors of the Halocaust. Thanks for this timely post, I so appreciate it.
Tracy @Magnolia Cul- says
Thank you for this post, for your wisdom and your honesty.
Mary says
Leila, What a beautiful post! I am right there with you. Debt is tough but at times unavoidable. We have struggled with this our whole married lives, especially with a severely disabled child to care for. Thank you for pointing out what NOT to do when your in debt…especially #5.Blessings and Grace to you and your family.
ColletteB says
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ColletteB says
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ColletteB says
Hi! This is my first visit to your blog and I've really enjoyed what you have to share and your perspectives. I am a homeschooling mom of 3 and 1-on-the-way, and I struggle sometimes with anxiousness over our debt situation – even worked part time last school year, while homeschooling! I've been praying alot these past few weeks to know God's heart about our situation, and the answer I seemed to be receiving is basically all that you have said in your post (what a beautiful confirmation!). Mainly this – God is not nearly as concerned with the "stuff" of this earth (like the condition of our finances) as He is with the stuff of eternity: the condition of our family-life and the fast-growing hearts of my children. He has always provided for our needs and I can trust Him to continue to do so – as He does for the lilies of the field. I learned exactly what you said about family life in #4 the hard way; thankfully God's grace is sufficient to overcome – and even undo – those blunders, too! Thank you for your wise, comforting words. God bless!-CollettePS – I'd like to (time permitting!)link this post from my blog @ http://artofbeingmama.blogspot.com
Karen says
Very thoughtful post, Leila. Point to Craig's concerns: Most "first-world" nations have negative birthrates. Look at what France is doing to encourage people to have larger families.As another Canadian, I have to ask how high do you think our taxes are?! Good grief. I'd rather pay taxes like we pay (many years we get small refunds and we're middle class) and not have to lose my home or savings if someone in my family gets sick or ill. Our system may not be perfect, but I don't know anyone up here or in the UK or in Australia who wants a private healthcare system. It saddens me to hear of American families suffering debt because of illness. I can't imagine.And I think that the way a society takes care of its most vulnerable says a lot. Why shouldn't a government help take care of people????
Designed with Purpos says
I just found your blog….thank you so much for writing this post about debt. You are so right on!We are starting the adoption process and one big obstacle was deciding to go through with it even though we have some debt.Thanks for your thoughts!
sue says
Leila,I think this is the best post you've ever written. You know I completely agree with you.Auntie Sue
musicmaiden says
That is very wise. As a young woman reading this, it's refreshing to hear someone else say what my mother's said all along!
Anonymous says
I enjoy your blog and appreciate your perspective. I do have to say that I find it hurtful when women aren't supportive of each other's decisions. Yes, a woman so frazzled and distracted by working outside the home probably isn't helping anyone with her paycheck. But to make a sweeping statement that "it's just not worth it" is unfair. I liken it to a women who works outside the home overgeneralizing that SAHM's are sheltered and simple, which is just ridiuclous. I have a professional career both inside AND outside our home. I am attentive to my families needs and I can guiarantee that there's no lack of quality time with them, home-cooked meals, or peace in our home.
Leila says
Dear Anonymous: I stand by what I wrote: It is indeed not worth it to take a job to make ends meet and find out that what you have is a frantic life.Many women make that choice and regret it later. There is no longer a collective memory to help her see the effects of her choices over time, and that's where my small voice comes in, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you with its sweeping generalizations, fairly unavoidable in a post of a couple of hundred words –yet incorporating the requisite nods to these objections. Given the limits of the form, I choose not to spend a lot of time qualifying my main point.Obviously, I grant anyone the freedom to do what she thinks is best, not that anyone needs that permission from me. If my points don't apply to you, then I wonder what the problem is.I must say, no one should consider herself bound to support anything she thinks is harmful, even if that harmful choice is made by a woman, and even if that lack of support leads to "hurtful" feelings.
Anonymous says
…just telling it like it is. 😉 I agree with you Leila. Great message and good dialogue.joan
Andrea says
What a great post. You know, I don't always agree with your ideas, but I do find them interesting anyway. Food for thought (and boy, have I been in debt before! Thank God that is behind me now!)
Esther says
Thanks Leila, this really struck a chord in me, although I didn't realise it immediately. Not so much about the debt (fortunately that's not our struggle) but about point No. 4 about valuing family life. It's helped me make a decision that I hadn't realised needed to be made. I've posted about this on my blog linking back to your blog.
Anonymous says
This post is wise and much-needed in our world, where "security" is seen as something that comes from a source other than God. Thank you especially for pointing out that having a baby is more important than having a perfect financial situation. Each little life is worth the sacrifice.
Anonymous says
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this post. so very encouraging and so good to read something other than "this is how we did it" and "this is how you should do it". I was/am in the same situation. I had no financial teaching, or at least not near enough, and we've had to learn the hard way. Your post makes me feel better about it all. It's okay and we'll make it with God's help.
Michelle says
Leila said: "It is indeed not worth it to take a job to make ends meet and find out that what you have is a frantic life.Many women make that choice and regret it later." Amen to that – this woman most certainly is regretting it now. I bought into the worldly notion that once my kids were in school I needed to go to work – for what? To pay off stupid debt, that's what. Hubby and I are working hard so that I can come back home to my three teens before they leave to begin their own lives. Now I'm thinking maybe we need to take another look at the budget and see how to get me home sooner.Thanks for this wonderfully encouraging post.
Kalee says
I really needed to read this post. Not because we're in debt (we have a mortgage and a car payment, but that's it), but because I've been freaking out abotu affording a baby! Both of our parents tended to struggle financially, my parents more than my husband's and so I tend to feel very very insecure if we don't have several thousand sitting in the bank not being used for anything. Even with that I feel unsure about having a baby, but I needed this. I keep reminding myself I won't regret not having all the accessories for a baby, but I will regret if I put it off for too long!
Mrs Bossy says
Right on SHISTER! *There have been very few times in our married life when we were totally debt free, but it is a continuing goal. Just like holiness and patience.April 1986, I resolved the inner conflict of my career vs. Mrs. Mommy. After returning from a medical missions trip to Guatemala, I was home for good. My husband's epiphany came much later, and we did wrassle this point. Several more children later … we are both regret-free, still wonderfully in love, and grateful. Blessings & treasures abound!* that's 'Sister' with a lot of enthusiasm 🙂 Jersey style.
Laanykidsmom says
I found you through Elizabeth Esther's. What a fantastic post. I enjoy your blunt style and was both reassured and prompted to ponder by your writing. Thank you for sharing this.
Anonymous says
Another post that was so timely for me! Thank you for this post!! I have been living with the guilt associated with having a lot of debt and being a SAHM with a college education that is not being used to contribute financially to the household. My husband being laid off for several months this year really tested the resolve of our decision for me to be at home. It is tough!! So, I can't thank you enough for reminding me that there are worse things than being in debt, and for all your commentors that helped me to realize that there are many others in my same boat.
Pollock Palooza says
Amen sister! I totally agree w/ ALL of it. I've got 3 kids and have been told by complete strangers 3 is plenty and I should have no more. And this when all 3 were in the shopping cart and quiet!!! What is wrong w/ people?
Jill F. says
This was just about the best article on debt I have ever read…and I have been reading them for 27 years! Your wise words of warning about leaving the home to work off debt were excellent. There ARE worse things than debt and they are children wandering away from the faith and their home!I do want to encourage everyone that when you obey the Lord in the realm He has placed you in He often does help you get out of debt in such a way that all glory goes to Him.
Anonymous says
Thank you for this excellent post. During the past 2 months I've been shocked as several of my stay-at-home mom friends and 2 ladies from my Bible study have started part-time and full-time jobs outside of their homes. Their reasoning? They want to be able to afford expensive clothing for themselves, extras, etc. What??!? It makes me so sad to see their young children placed in daycare, after-school care, etc. Blessings to you!
TheOldPostRoad says
Awesome post! Been there – stay there too often! Not trusting God was my huge problem for years.
Nina Patricia @ The says
I soooo desperately needed to read this post. I am sending it to my husband and my sister. We where blessed with a baby this year.Unfortunatelly we are doing really bad financially, and I don't mean: we-can't-afford-the-movies-bad, I mean as of Tuesday we will be homeless. Funny thing is when we got the notice neither my husband and I got crazy. We decided that our kids are worth every single struggle, every single penny, and we have each other againts the world. So much that we are considering me staying at home to take care of the baby instead of paying a daycare. And I agree that larger families spent MUCH LESS than smaller ones (I come from a family of 8). I completely trust God. He knows why we are going thru this right now. I may not know our future but he does.And yes, I'm concern about my husband for the reasons you mentioned.I can say soooo much more but I'll refrain myself.I love this post.back to reading the rest of the comments 🙂
Cathy says
What an amazing post! I am sending the link to my good friend whose family is in debt due to major medical bills. The world keeps telling her to get a job (never mind she is the taxi, cook, shopper, laundress, nurse, etc for a family of 7)– your post will bless her richly!
Terri says
Great post. It made me cry. We lived 3.5 years with only one car, 20 minutes from town. I was content being home with my two little ones. My husband kept saying, "If you went to work, we could afford another car." My choice was easy. Now, 8 years later, we find ourselves in another season of famine. With 3 kids, ages 6-13, I feel even more necessary at home. I feel like I'm in my element as I stretch our budget. But my husband wants me to go to work. I know he is frustrated in his far-lower-than-his-abilities position, so I try not to take it personally when he seems to devalue all I do. But it is hard. I am trying to hold onto peace and joy. I know the Lord has a plan. Thank you for being an encouragement to me today. I am saving this post! Blessings!
Jendi says
I came through The Nester's link to read this awesome post!I could get on my soap box about number 3 and 4, but I'll just say – Right on!
Lorie says
Wow! Such a powerful post. And so true. I am sure there are many things that we can add to the list. And some day I hope to have all of those things AND be completely out of debt! What a blessing that would be!One step at a time!
homebody0404 says
Wow Leila,I really appreciate this post. I'm going to bookmark your site because I feel I should revisit this post during the holidays. I can get carried away and buy stuff just because it's on sale. Afterwards, I feel terrible because I wasn't a good steward. It's not worth the shame I feel when my husband opens up that credit card statement in January. I'm going to use this to help me guard against unnecessary spending.
Rona's Home Pag says
I so love your post and enjoyed reading the comments. Our teen has been homeschooled since 2007. I do love being home, taking care of my family. This time around I'm being frugal. We're surviving and loving the Heavenly Father. And you know what we're so much happier.My husband told me, today, that I'm doing a terrific job!
Cindy Broaddus says
I just had to read this blog post. The title intrigued me – what could possibly be worse than being in debt. Definitely not the things I was thinking of, but definitely what I need to hear. Thank you, Leila! My husband and I have struggled with all of these points at one time or another. After almost 15 years of marriage, 3 beautiful children, one bankruptcy, a time of unemployment, piles of bills that can't be paid, living on credit cards b/c our bills are more than our income, my choice to stay home when child #1 was born, having to leave beautiful Colorado because we can't afford to live there and move back home to live next to family (free childcare), the thought of looming student loan bills after hubbie has to stop classes b/c we can afford to pay our taxes in order to file for financial aid in order for hubbie to finish less than a semester and a half of college to get his degree, (Phew! out of breath) and finally, to stand by my husband and trust in God to take a leap of faith and rely solely on God and my hubbie's knowledge and skill for income (hubbie did a career change and is now self-employed); WE STILL HAVE A ROOF OVER OUR HEADS, FOOD ON OUR TABLE, HEALTHY BODIES, EACH OTHER TO LOVE, AND THE INTERNET TO BLOG. ;)WE MAY STILL HAVE OUR DEBT, BUT WE WON'T LET IT CONTROL US AND DISRUPT OUR LIVES, OUR HOMELIFE.Thank you, again, for your wonderfully, wise post.Cindy B.SAH(HOMESCHOOLING, ETC.)M AND PROUD OF IT. 😉
Anonymous says
Maybe one point Leila is subtly making is that when we make our decision based solely on "How fast will this get us out of debt?", we make getting out of debt our idol. Our focus shifts from pleasing God to only eradicating debt. I am pleased by my children's trusting hearts, even when the "progress" is slower, than when they can get out of trouble quickly, but I wonder where their hearts are. Maybe God feels the same?I did have to go back to work (this is temporary and just for this year) this year and it is hard. Hats off to anyone who feels like they are sailing through it. I have turned down many "extra" and "special" offers at work because I want that time with my family.(read:more money, more perks)People at the job don't get it, but they aren't the mommy at my house, either. I don't feel like you are attacking me at all, and I agree with what you are saying. I hope that other moms who have to work know that you are speaking to their hearts as well. I am very encouraged by your message. Thanks for writing this!Hugs!Karise
Angie @ tomandangie. says
Wow… so good! I LOVE 3, 4, & 5! True true true! Thank u!
Leila says
Thanks, Karise!You are right. Every family has to pray and think through what works for them. And if you keep the priorities straight you can get through a lot — including mom working. The big question, as you point out, is — working for what? As I said in the post, sometimes it's staving off disaster. Other times, it's simply getting on the world's treadmill for no apparent reason other than 'getting'. So I can't answer the question for others, and I'm not here to judge, just to tell you what I've lived through and seen all these years.Karise, you are a thoughtful person, obviously with your priorities straight, and I appreciate your comment very much! God bless.
Tracey says
I'm so glad The Nester sent me over here to read this insightful post. I had to laugh at myself as I read "Their locus then becomes their peer group, with all that entails." I thought it said "all their entrails…" which might be true too!We have 2 little ones age 1 & 3 and I think it is easy for families to think once the kids are in school it's okay for mom to return to work. Thank you for pointing out the importance and strong need of our older children (and husbands) to have mom at home.
Julianna says
Awesome
Jennifer says
This is my first visit to your blog and what a wonderful post as an introduction! It really struck the heart of what so many moms are feeling these days. Thank you for putting it all in perspective!
Sarah says
WOW, first let me say I have no idea how I stumbled upon your blog, but I'm so glad I did! Second I want to thank you for this post. FABULOUS, absolutely fabulous. You are speaking the truth. Nothing will ever be worse than having a mom who can't prioritize her home… even debt! God's blessings on your sweet family, Sarah 😀
Kelleigh Ratzlaff De says
Beautiful post. Thank you for speaking truth!
Sarah Parham says
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.Sarah Parham
Abbie says
Thanks for sharing your heart. I too find that being present for my kids is more important than whatever I might earn working. I also know each family has to do what's best for them.But what really breaks my heart is when people think they have to be "settled" or whatever to have kids. I have a friend who's husband made her wait way too long to start a family (despite her health issues that made getting pregnant less likely with each passing year) because they didn't have enough money, or a big enough house … then infertility almost killed her. Was it worth it? No.
Anonymous says
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I don't read any of the get out of debt articles anymore because they make me feel so guilty about being in debt… I don't need the guilt, I just need to keep pushing along on my journey of getting out (which may take awhile). I appreciate your encouragement to have children despite debts and budgets, I don't think that there has ever been a point in my life where it was affordable to have a baby. I also appreciate your words about a husband's feelings, I found myself getting caught up in that and it adversely affected my marriage, which is not something any of us needs. Thank you, thank you.
Leslie says
wonderfully put!!LOVE #4! 🙂
The Scooper says
Rarely do I read a post and within moments begin to tear up…but this was one of those times. You gave voice to so many of the thoughts I haven't been able to lasso or feel confident enough to voice myself. Thank you, thank you for this. God knew I needed to read this TODAY. {I came over from The Nester.} It's a post I'll be revisiting. Again, thank you.
Ray says
I grew up hearing my dad say, "There are three things you will never have enough money for: getting married, having children and having the mother stay home w/ the children. However, they are the most important things you can do in this world." I whole heartedly agree w/ you. This is an amazing post, thank you. May God be w/you.
Anonymous says
Ray, I wish your dad were my dad! After the birth of child #3, mine said, "You have a nice family; stop right there." This is because we had huge student loans and a tiny two-bedroom condo. Thankfully, we disregarded his advice and have had three more kids so far. The condo became a townhouse, followed by three other houses, within three years! God has provided through other people who have just given us playpens, clothes, car seats, dressers, desks, etc. There really is no right time to have a kid. They aren't convenient, but they are so worth it! Wish more people wouldn't worry so much about an expensive, lavish ceremony and just have a simple wedding and enjoy the babies that come!
ThriceBlessed says
I agreed with 99% of what you said, however, as a homeschooling mom who HAS to work in order to be able to afford to put food on the table and buy books for the homeschooling, I felt a little judged at the last comment. We recently got out of debt, and are working now to save a fund of money in case of emergency, after which I will cut my work schedule back to once a week. I serve the Lord with my whole heart, and don't love or cherish my children any less now that I work. It is hard, and I have to push myself and pray daily for strength. I disagree with the notion that every Christian mother has to be SAHM, there are women in third world countries who love the Lord but who, if they did not work in the fields all day every day would watch their children starve.I know a woman whose husband backslid, had an affair, got on meth, and eventually landed in jail, was she wrong to support her children? Mind you this woman is a dedicated Christian, head of children's ministries at our church, someone who I look up to. But she had no control over what her husband did, she prayed and tried counseling and got him into rehab, and he fell again and then he filed for divorce because he didn't want the responsibility of a family or the conviction of a godly wife.I would love to stay home full time, but I can't. My kids need to eat, and my son needs to have his special needs taken care of, and that costs money.Just my thoughts, not angry, but just wishing you would keep in mind that the Bible doesn't actually teach that women have to stay home full time. The proverbs 31 woman had a cottage industry, and the majority of women at that time worked hard in the fields or at the loom. It did not make them any less followers of God.
alwayslearning says
yes, yes, yes!
Anonymous says
I love your wise heart and willingness to speak truth. Thank you!
Lynn says
wonderful post, I needed to read this. will past on to friends.
Miss G says
I like the sentiment of this post: don't let debt ruin your life, cherish family and persevere through struggle. However, I do think that having a child is pause for consideration if one is in debt/unemployed/financially struggling. Even with insurance, the extra costs of having a baby in a hospital can mean a couple thousand in bills alone. Also, not everyone has an extensive network to help with costs of things for a baby. There are no babies in my immediate family (due to generations of only children, there is no extended family). That means, no hand-me-downs and I would not be able to nor want to rely on my parents to buy expensive items like cribs, high chairs, strollers, etc. I have many good friends, but again, how much can one rely on other people to buy things for baby? I realize that a certain amount of resourcefulness would be required and one doesn't need the top of the line everything for baby. But when you have nothing, providing and the guilt of not being able to provide, can be stressful. I think there's room to be both eager and responsible financially in planning family and deciding when to have children.
Theresa Bruno says
I loved your prospective on children. We live in a two bedroom home, have one income, one child and another on the way. Some people think we're crazy, but as you said, "you can make money later, but maybe not the kids."
shuaRx says
This is Brilliant! With a capital "B." We've been in a wrestling match with debt/homemaking for 30 years, and this is SPOT ON. Better to struggle for what's best and endure the trouble than trade your family's welfare for a cleaner balance sheet.
Carrien says
"Don't make the mistake of having a vague idea that things will run themselves without you — that's rating yourself too low, my friend."This. I keep being shocked by this reality this week when I'm busier than usual with other things. I know it, but they, laundry, house, school and children, really don't run right without me being fully present to them.
McEwen Family Colora says
What a great Article about debt. I see debt as a national crisis and one of the top reasons leading to the other symptoms that cause divorce. I don't see many guys part of your blog, but I like the insight and am always seeking great advice to remind my stubborn and very prideful brain of the right things to do. Thanks for this. I look forward to reading what you have to say on your blog.
M.K. says
Yippee!! I get to be commenter #100! Goodness, how do some of you bloggers GET so much readership?! 🙂 Loved this post. Am sharing it with all my Dave Ramsey friends on FB who annoy the rest of the world. This is excellent stuff. Been there. Working on that last one.
Amy {One Day Closer} says
Oh – such perfect timing to read this. Just last night we had a talk about how life is hard now for stupid choices we made so long ago.One way debt affects how many children you have is if you are infertile and adopting is how you grow your family. Many agencies look closely at finances, and many countries require a certain amount of net worth.And so we have two babies, and a mountain of debt. And we keep attacking it with all we got. Even if it's just spoons. Because hopefully someday those spoons will turn into shovels… and shovels into bull dozers… and one day that mountain will be moved! (Matthew 17:20)
Sarah R. says
not sure how i found this, but so thankful i did. our family has worked hard to pay off our debt and are committed to staying that way. but, there are ways that i have felt beaten down, lost my focus, and lost my trust in god's provision as we follow the "steps to financial peace" that are so popular now. i might add one thing that also saddens me. when people use being in debt, or working out of debt, or building up their emergency fund as a way NOT to give to other people.
Laura Angelika says
Thank you for this list! I've been caught quite a few times recently not trusting in God to get us through. Great reminder!!!
Wife, Mother, Garden says
Thank you for sharing your godly perspectives on supporting your husband, no matter what. My marriage has had a long trip through low-income living, and I have seen the Lord answer my prayers for Him to provide through my husband… and especially as I have stepped away from even the smallest money-making opportunities that I have been offered. All of my eggs are in his basket, as they say. Thank you for sharing!!Julie
Beverley says
I've only just found you and i think this post is cool.When my marriage broke down and i ended up with 4 small children and no where to live i was grateful to a friend that took me, a coucil that rehoused me and the fact that in the uk benefit money is worth having even if you cant buy a mansion with it. I stayed at home with my children for 6 years and now in september my youngest child will go off to university. I'm grateful for that too. Whats worse then debt – not having a good friend that will be there even at 3am, – my niece died 17 months ago in a car accident she will be forever 21, – knowing that the man you loved and trusted broke all the rules, – not knowing that a simple heart felt plea to God can bring comfort untold.
Cherished Keeper says
Great article! Thanks for the reminders!
Christina Wong says
Thank you SO MUCH for posting this! My husband was just a medical discharge from the Army and we have not figured out his new job situation yet. He is an awesome provider and I know he is having a hard time going from providing more than enough money for us to pay all the bills, save and pay off my student loan. I don't doubt his ability to provide for me, I know he's a hard worker. I don't actually have to pay off my student load right now, and after reading this I feel a lot better about not being able to make the payments right now. If it means my husband feels like a better provider, then the student loan payment is a VERY small price to pay!
Suzette says
WoW! Thanks for this! I never thought that there could be worse things, but gosh your five points make me realize how foolish and naive I am as a momma of two at just 24 yrs old! I think I have made my husband feel like he isn't a good provider when i freak out about our budget.
RCG says
A few years late to the party, but *this*:
“a doctorate in money-making”
Still working on that Money-Making part 25 years in and 3 degrees late….
LOVE.
Shellie aka RubberChickenGirl
E says
I had never read this post until I saw it mentioned in the comments from this week’s…I have to say that the concepts also strongly apply to being extremely poor even if not particularly debt-laden. We made some difficult choices to get my husband through school and some of them (like having kids) were almost certainly thought of as irresponsible by those looking on. We lived paycheck to paycheck, a single decrepit vehicle, old crummy tiny house… definitely not your American-dream-have-all-your-ducks-in-a-row-before-having-kids life! It was important to us to not take on significant debt besides our mortgage but it was also important to my husband that I stay home with the kids. Occasionally I would feel that maybe I should try to make a little extra somehow to supplement his (pathetic for a family) grad student stipend, but every time I would bring it up he would remind me that my place was at home, to take care of him and the kids, and to save money by frugality rather than making money. I didn’t really fully realize what the financial struggles meant to him as the man and provider until I took all the quarters out of a childhood coin collection of mine and used them to buy needed kids clothes and household items at garage sales in town…and he sobbed his eyes out when I told him about how I bargained down to the last quarter for the things we needed. (I have only seen him cry a handful of times in our life together.)
So yes, I heartily agree with this post. And I think it could even be expanded to include poverty level poorness.