Did you make a bunch of resolutions a few days ago; resolutions about being a wife and mother, taking care of your husband, keeping your home, and raising your children better? Do you feel a little twinge of wonder — maybe even anxiety — about whether you will keep those resolutions?
I'm going to tell you the secret to doing better this year. It won't sound like much. But it really works, and I know it does because it's how an over-intellectual, impractical, untutored person like me (not your fault, Habou!) has been able to keep house for all ten of us. Not like you see in a magazine. Not like you see on some blogs. But enough to be called housekeeping, and on a tight budget too!
And here it is, the incredible secret that no one but me will tell you (unless you call up the friend who told me; she doesn't have a blog) — and it's really amazing in its simplicity: ready?
Do better in the minimum anyone can expect from you, and you will do better in everything else.
This outrageously counter-intuitive revelation (and I haven't told you what it really is, yet) came to me one time when I was really sick. I think it was after I had had my dear Will, number 6 —
— a very difficult birth that left me recovering from major surgery and double pneumonia. And then I got the flu.
As I lay on the sofa, lamenting telephonically to my friend about my seriously miserable condition and the mountains of duties beckoning to — no, hurling themselves at — me — especially the baby and my phenomenally, epically, heroically messy, dirty house, she told me this: basically your family needs food and clean laundry from you right now.
Just think about tackling those two things. Just two little resolutions. To do the minimum.
Now, maybe you are not sick and not recovering from a major trauma, and maybe you don't have a million kids. And maybe you are sort of a perfectionist and want things really clean and nice, like a magazine. And maybe you are great at that, and should start a blog!
But just maybe you are sort of keeping things going by dint of a boom-and-bust cycle, and no one really knows where you will land today. Maybe you are the way I was and things are sort of okay, but not really the way you want them to be. They will never be perfect — you know that — but they could be better.
Maybe you are like me, and don't mind having the top of the line appliances from the last decade; maybe you don't really care about things being brand spanking new. Then I can help you!
So, when you are making your resolutions, at the top of the list do you have these two items: feeding and clothing your particular horde?
Because if you do, things will go well for you this year. And this is why: no matter what other duties you have, the two biggest challenges you will face will be — ta da! — cooking —
Conversely, if you have a handle on these two areas — if you have serenity when contemplating dinner or the washing machine — you will be rational in your approach to all other areas of your life: losing weight, saving money, cleaning up, using your time well, loving your family more, having reading time with your kids, teaching them Latin, you name it! It will all go better if you have order in these two fundamental duties. Or at least our inevitable failures in this area won't upset the peace of our family as much!
And I call these duties for a reason. First, I like using old-fashioned words. Also, some mothers really look at dinner and clean clothes as chores assigned by a particularly demanding, even cruel, parent. But in their heart of hearts they consider them optional.
They actually whine! They complain! They live with a laundry room that has piles of dirty laundry, and a master bedroom that has baskets of unsorted clean laundry! They get annoyed because their kids are hungry! They hate cooking supper!
They think that someone else will come fix all this for them! Then they spend money — their husband's hard-earned cash — on take-out dinners, or frozen dinners, or drive-through dinners, because they can't figure out what to have for supper; and on new clothes, because the old ones are dirty!
No, Love, only YOU can solve this problem, the problem of your life; and this is the year to do it! I will show you how! Now, I can't show you how to be Martha Stewart, or to make your home like a magazine. Can we all remind ourselves that she actually has no family and that a crew, perhaps several crews and a staff, make her every whim a reality?
Again I say no! Rather, if I can do it, so can you! If a girl (and I really was a girl –19 years old!) who got married without really knowing how to sweep can keep house, so can you!
If a girl who thought that Mastering the Art of French Cooking was a good manual for meal planning can keep three squares on the table within a budget, so can you! If little old me, who would rather read a novel than wash a toilet (am I alone here?), and who shorted out a whole apartment building ironing a shirt the first year of her marriage, can do it, so can you!
Look at it this way: if you had the profession of managing, say, a hotel, you would be darn sure that first and foremost you had a plan, a system, and a clear idea of how you would provide food, clean sheets, and a warm atmosphere for your customers. You would not whine. You would pat yourself on the back for having such a great career! If you did not do this, you would be — fired!
Oops — are we in danger of being fired from our jobs as moms? (Hmmm… while pondering our resolutions, we probably should add one to be grateful to the long-suffering good humor of our family!)
Now I know you are not like those babies I describe above, those terrible whiners. And you probably have a better work ethic than I do! But still, have you achieved clarity on these two important areas of your home keeping duties? That's where I come in. I have clarity!
Since one actually can wear dirty clothes, but one can't last long without food, I will start with meals.
In my next post. And it will be fun! I promise.
{All the rest of this series — dinner/menu planning and laundry — can be found in the menu tabs under Dinner Every Day and Reasonably Clean House, respectively.}
auntie sue says
Leila,I have a little tip about laundry and meals. If you really fall off the laundry and meal wagon. Get everyone in the house to get one complete outfit. Wash that in one load along with a shirt and underwear and socks for DH. Then figure out what you are going to have for supper the next day. It also might be beneficial to swipe the most used bathroom toilet and sink. Then you cna back on track. Sue
Auntie Sue again says
Oh I meant to tell you that this is a great entry, I feel inspired.
Leila says
Dear Auntie Sue,I'm glad you feel inspired, because you are the one who inspired me!I guess this is what it's all about — reminding each other to keep at it!xoxo
Lawler Family Stalke says
This sounds so simple! I guess in college your duties would be attending class and doing homework? That seems much simpler! And although I must confess that I have far more duties than just those two, checking off something at the top of my list every day is a little victory!
Leila says
Dear Lauren,Of course these duties are not the whole story. They are the minimum! The necessary but insufficient…So for instance, as a college student, if you can never find clean clothes, you won't leave your room. If you are always falling asleep in class, you won't learn anything.So resolve to have clean clothes and enough sleep, and watch the rest fall into place (not without effort on your part, of course :)!But to do those two simple things, you need a system…
Anne R Triolo says
well i think this post was a little bit of a tease! where is the resolution??also, not to contradict, but your house does kind of look like a magazine.
Leila says
Silly, you've been to my house, you know it doesn't look like a magazine!What magazine features a white mismatched washer and dryer from the last millenium??Anyway, I am preparing a FUN post for all you crazy moms out there, and even some ambitious forward-thinking college students who want to get a leg up on meal planning 🙂
Pippajo says
What do you mean IN YOUR NEXT POST??? You can't just leave me hanging like that!I think I may have started drooling about halfway through the second paragraph! Finally! Someone is going to tell me how to do it!I admit I have been carefully mulling over this ever since I read it. And I know you're right. My primary duties are indeed keeping the family fed and clothed. And, too much of the time, waaaaaaay too much of the time, I complain about it. But you know what? Just this past year I have begun getting over myself and realizing that duty is not a bad word (although it sounds like one–if you think like an 8-year-old like I do). I can proudly say I've stopped seeing cooking as a drudgery and more as something to be proud of. And when I think about where I was just 5 years ago…!I don't mind laundry, but sure could use some tips to streamline the process even more.Does it need to be said that I am on pins and needles waiting for the next post? I CANNOT wait!
Aleta says
I love the way you put things into words that most of us live out being of the human condition. Ive been there before, because a good mom, wife, or just a good PERSON Has to do the minimum or they (the human race)would have perished long ago, but to do that little bit more than you think possible is how we earn our brownie points that sometimes only we and God know about. Its called sacrifice, I guess. We also have more in us than we think and after a while we actually learn that we are very capable!!!
The Inept Aspirant says
Just found your blog today thanks to April Showers. Love it! You inspired me to actually PLAN my meals (this week anyway).
Christine says
Can I hug you? Seriously, this post really hit home with me… Thanks!
Jennifer @ Conversio says
This is wonderful advice, thank you!!
Morgan Iverson says
God Bless You!!! Im home from the hospital with my third son, and your post was both funny and inspiring!I am sad to say that I WAS one of those girls with the piles of laundry on the floor, and the baskets of clean (or are they dirty?) clothes hanging around the bedroom. But during my last weeks of pregnancy I vowed to do all the laundry and then do One load (two if needed) a day, Wash, Dry, and put it away!Now, I love folding and putting away laundry (go figure!) And my hubby thanks me for making sure he has clean underwear. :)Our next goal is making a Meal Plan book (hubby and I do this together, we think its fun!) So I am definatly saving this blog! I cant wait to read more.Thanks!
becomingwhoiwanttobe says
Very good advice. Laundry was actually one of my resolutions. I have no trouble washing and drying its the putting up that gets me. I read somewhere once that a wife and mother should do her "duties" as a praise to God. Thinking of you obligations as a wife and mother with this in mind makes it even more worthwhile.
~K~ says
Hello!I've actually had a system in place for over a year and never really thought about it! Since we live in an area where the water or the electricity can go off without notice, I do my laundry 3 days a week – Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I might sneak a load in on Saturday if I need to, but usually, I don't. I do 3 loads on Monday and 2 loads on the other two days. If the electricity or water is off one of those days, then I can't do it. Either I wait until the next day or the next laundry day, depending on various things.I plan meals for the week on Sunday. We don't have a car so we are at the store more than one day a week since we have to lug things home. I'm telling you, having a plan is great! I very rarely get to 530pm and not know what is for supper!I love your blog!Blessings~Karen
Lindsey in AL says
This:"But just maybe you are sort of keeping things going by dint of a boom-and-bust cycle, and no one really knows where you will land today."for some reason made me burst into tears. I wasn't even feeling teary but suddenly I was weeping all over my laptop because it describes me so perfectly. Boom-and-bust indeed. So I wept and thanked God for as many of His blessings as I could think to name off the top of my head in 30 seconds or so. Then I asked, once again, for His help in blessing my family, in showing His love to them, in serving Him through serving them. Now I have a date with my clothesline since it's supposed to get above freezing today. Thanks for the encouragement!
Michelle says
What a wonderful post! I love it. I'm so inspired. I've recently started meal planning and now I look forward to cooking and am excited for hubby to see what I've prepared when he gets home. I can't wait to see your meal ideas though – my plan can always improve. And I am that person you describe in regards to laundry LOL. tomorrow I'm going to start getting a handle on it.Thanks for sharing,Michelle
Allison says
I've been reading your blog for a few weeks now and just found this post. THANK YOU. I'm just glad I don't have to wait to read the rest of the series… ;)I am getting a handle on meals now that folks aren't bringing me some 3x a week (don't I have special friends?!) now that the baby's a month old. And laundry I actually enjoy except for the putting away part (I don't quite have a place for everything yet, especially in-between distinct seasons), but I could really use some help on the whole cleaning the bathroom thing. Really, who enjoys that?!Seriously, though, there is much wisdom here. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Mrs. Pickles says
Thank you for the gentle reminder.My curiosity is piqued. HOW did you blow out a whole apartment's power??
TwoSquareMeals says
Thanks for making it seem doable! I recently wrote a post about how the unloading or not of my dishwasher determines the spiritual, physical, and emotional well-being of my day. It is so true that being faithful in the little necessities of life is the beginning of living out any calling. (Read Kathleen Norris?)
Kimarie @ Cardamom&# says
This is great! I've been starting from scratch – reevaluating everything and getting a system in place. In thinking on it, I had determined that good meals was the first area on which to focus, because that fuels us to do everything else. Simple, yet profound. And very helpful, since I was slacking in that area trying to get all the OTHER areas done, so I could "have time" to do better meals. Silly! 🙂 This blog is a breath of fresh air – it feels like I'm sitting down at your house chatting.
Sarah says
I am SO glad I found your blog today..and this post…it's what I've ALWAYS known…but need to be reminded of!And I adore you for reminding me of it!
eulogos says
Actually I think that is all I did, meals and laundry, in increasing quantities, for about 20 years. I fell down on the putting away part of laundry. At one point we had a large laundry room with two playpens in it, one for dirty laundry, and one for clean. I took my own clothes and my husband's back to the bedroom, but kids clothes mostly got picked out of the clean laundry playpen and put back on them. There always were clean ones, though. The older kids started doing their own stuff around age 10-12, but it took a while for me to notice a decrease as more kids were coming on. I went through periods when I had two in cloth diapers all the time and three at night, and when I had to hang diapers on the line because I couldn't afford bottled gas to run the dryer. I liked going out and hanging up clothes in good weather, but it is pretty awful in winter. I never had the money, or until way later on, the transportation to do anything like buying ready made food or take out. Everything was from scratch….even pizza started with making the dough. For several years I made all the bread, six loaves every other day. I was always making soup and not a bone or a meat scrap or an onion peel or a carrot top escaped my stockpot. At one point I even got free fish heads from the fish vendor (in the city they had guys in trucks who came by selling things, even some guys still with pony carts, but the fish guy had a truck.) and made fish chowder once a week. I was usually too late with dinner because I stayed out in the garden too long. But it was always good food. At one point I canned, on a wood cook stove in August. 50 quarts of beans, 40 of beats, 50 of applesauce from the old trees up on the hill (when we lived in the country.)My kids came home from school and ate thick homemade applesauce, almost like apple butter, on homemade bread. My house was messy and disorganized. I thought of myself as a total failure all the time I was doing all of this. But I sure washed a lot of laundry and made a lot of nutritious and usually good tasting food. Susan Peterson
Lauren says
Thank you for this! I am a new mom with a three-month-old baby, and I have always prided myself on my spotless house. Well, the house is still pretty darn tidy, and I am managing to get through the laundry (except for ironing my husband's shirts, which I can't seem to do), but I think I have cooked maybe two meals since our son was born. I've been beating myself up over my inability to get everything done to suit my standards, but I really want this to be the year I make sure to have some kind of meal on the table for my husband when he gets home from work. I'm new to your blog (via Conversion Diary) and looking forward to seeing how to make it happen!
Leslie says
Just read this post from Conversion diary. I have four boys 6 and under – one is newborn and I am homeschooling. yes, my master bedroom is full of unsorted clean laundry as well as a pile of dirty laundry on the floor. the hardest thing for me right now is grocery shopping. I really enjoyed this post – to get my priorities straight – get good in these two areas and the others will fall into place. I believe that probaby is true!!
Gale says
This is actually a response to your worksheet 1:"Why are shorts cluttering the world up if it’s winter?"Because I live in Texas, and it actually may have a low of 20 degrees one day and a high of 85 degrees the next. I hate laundry in winter because you can't really put anything seasonal away except the swimsuits (and not even that, because we found an indoor pool). The best thing I've found to do in winter is put half of the summer clothes away (because at very least they won't be wearing it as much as in summer). I still have the problem of needing much more shelf space in winter than in summer (since you can't put away all the summer stuff and the winter stuff is so much bulkier.)Anyways, great, great advice here!
Leila says
Gale, that is just too funny. Goes to show you that there are more issues out there with clothes than I had realized! Your solution to the wild temperature swings seems like a good one! What I think is funny too is someone just not understanding OUR climate, where there comes a day you can't just put a sweater on over a short-sleeved shirt, you have to have clothes that are simply heavier!
Gale says
Yeah, I've lived in the mountains in California, where there was enough snow and cold to need turtlenecks and long underwear. Nothing compared to winters in New England, though, I'm sure (my mom's from Massachusetts so I've heard about them).
Sarai (Ubi Spiritus) says
Just based on this one post, this slice of brilliance that just happened to catch my eye, I think… I think I love you. When I read, "No, Love, only YOU can solve this problem…" I literally welled up in tears. I have struggled with housekeeping so much. This is sheer brilliance in its simplicity and I thank you so much for sharing it. I'll be back to read more!
Hi Kooky says
I have raked myself over the coals for years because I was not taught any kitchen management skills growing up, and I couldn't for the life of me seem to figure it out myself. I have felt like a complete failure, and have nearly given up trying. (Trying hard to no avail is completely demoralizing.) Some of us fail in the food department but it's not for lack of desire or attempt.On the other hand, I rock at laundry (a much simpler task for me)! So I'm 50% there! Excellent!I love your idea of having the entire family contribute to the menu. I'm going to start there. Thank you for sharing your simplified, effective approach. I so wish I had learned growing up!
Leila says
No raking over coals!Just know that you can do this little bit — give your family their meals and clean laundry — and you will be doing a lot! And like you said, you're halfway there!
Talitha says
IMNSHO, one of the biggest crimes of feminism is the notion that house work is "something that servants do." Talk about classist and sexist! [I know that abortion is much worse, but THAT started with eugenics, and most early feminists were (shockingly!)pro-life.]That may have worked in 1920… but not for um, normal people today. Works awfully well for 'kids' who always have parents to fall back on, too. Fortunately, you come to the rescue!
Emily (Laundry and L says
I have had hyperemesis and severe anemia during this pregnancy, and over the course of the last 6 months have come to realize the truth of this! Everything, no matter how crucial we think it is, can be pared down to just these two basics. These two must be done, but they CAN be done, sometimes with help from children or husband or even a friend. We may not have anything else managed, but with clean clothes and food…we will be ok! (And eventually this baby will come and mama won't be horribly sick and life will get back to a semblance of normal!) 🙂
Katie Olthoff says
I'm a few years late to this party, but I'm loving it anyway! I read this and it really resonated with me. So I blogged about it. http://www.onthebanksofsquawcreek.com/2013/08/how…
Rita says
This is a very old post I know but I just have to tell you how comforting your words have been. I first read this post back before I got married, I was engaged (and muddling my way through wedding plans with husband to be 2 1/2 hours away,) stressed out, had little idea how to cook or properly maintain a house, and was scared that I was going to make a mess of it all. I read a lot of good advice here but the thing that keeps coming back to me, through these first 7 months of marriage and more so now at 11 weeks pregnant, is simply your crisis advice: food and laundry I tell myself. (Sometimes I admit food is frozen pizza but but I’m working on that. ) it’s a great comfort to know that as long as I find something for my husband to eat and to wear then I’m not completely failing, even though I don’t quite have the hang of everything else yet. You keep me calm Aunt Leila
Katherine says
Dear Rita, I only just read this as well. It’s great advice and wondrously simple! Just want to wish you well in your pregnancy. Blessings 🙂
Donna L. says
How lovely that a 10-year old post is still going strong and inspiring me! I am sending a few of my very favorite posts to a lovely Mom I met at church who needs some encouragement and ideas for her darling horde of 10 kiddos~
Thank you so much for having shared your wisdom with such wit and inspiration!
Leila says
Thank you, dear Donna!
Ania says
This is a lovely oust and so encouraging. I’ve read it more than once in my vocation as wife and mother. I was wondering how I get to the next post in the sequence?
Leila says
Thank you, Ania. If you go to the menu bar up on the top of the blog, you will see the categories “Dinner Every Day” and “The Reasonably Clean House” (under which is “Laundry”). And those will be the posts that come next.
Alternately, you can go to the year and month of that post in the archives and read in order, going forward.
And soon there will be a book!
Llynn says
I’m back, Auntie, and as thankful for your blog today as I was over a decade ago when I discovered it as a mom of a 3 year old and an autistic new baby (read: could not put him down, ever, but he didn’t stop crying when held, just cried slightly less loudly. He didn’t sleep either. That I survived that first year – and the slightly less difficult next 2 years – was a miracle. But we had food and laundry because you told me that’s all I had to focus on.
Today, I am recovering from all the weird health things and finally beginning to feel human again, but I manage laundry and food in a boom and bust cycle. I’m excited to reread and relearn so I can get back to relative peace. And be ready for homeschool to start again. 🙂
Leila says
Welcome back!